Ever been jealous of your SO's coworker?

[misssmithviii]

My bf works around 60+ hours a week and his new coworker is pretty damn hot. His office was all men before she got hired to the location and they all act like horny men in jail gawking at the female reporter who comes in regularly, if you will. My bf even told me once that a creepy old guy asked him, "How do you work with that girl strutting around you all day?!" And his response was dismissive and along the lines of "it doesn't affect me I just work." He told me he doesn't find her very attractive, and I think it's sweet that he would say that but I highly doubt he lets himself be the odd man out with his male peers commenting about her.

 

Well I saw her today at the end of his lunch break since I spent lunch with him on my day off and yeah, I can admit she's attractive. She likes to wear these high fashion skirts and tall heels with her dress shirt and she looks good.

 

Thing is, she's exactly the original type my bf had in the past - he hasn't had a gf in the past before me, but as I stated in another post, he's always had this type that doesn't really look like me. She's tall, white with long light brown hair, and apparently she's "sweet and innocent" as my bf described.

 

I'm wrought with jealousy about how attractive she is. I've always had more male friends than female ones and I know their group-dude-mentality... I know they can be pretty vulgar and I know they more often than not, tend to find a girl hotter when their friends think she's hot.

 

Now, I don't think I'm ugly by any means, but it's difficult when he can't help but spend more time with her than he does with me because well, he works from 7am-7pm with her nearly every day. I get this irrational fear sometimes that he, being notably the most attractive man at that branch, and she, being the hot girl at that branch, are going to get together and I'll be left in the dust.

 

How do I manage this jealousy? He's never given me reason to distrust him and he's more than supportive of my needs. I have my insecurities, that's no secret. What I'm looking for is how to get over it. People say "just get over it, he chose you, he loves you" etc etc... but I'm asking about the day-to-day psychological management.

 

Ideally I'd like to find something to think about that will help me not dwell on this irrationality so much.

 

Any tips on managing this stress? He sometimes catches me looking off into space, thinking about it and he can sniff out a lie when I try and make up another reason to be deep in thought.

 

What do I tell him when he asks me what's wrong? I don't want to be whining about something that can't be fixed, and there's really nothing he can do about it so I don't think it's fair to place stress on him.

 

Any thoughts would be nice.

[sleepingdonut]

It's completely normal for people in a relationship to be attracted to other people. It's going to happen, and that's OK. It's how a person chooses to handle that attraction that will make or break the relationship. If your boyfriend is a good guy, he'll acknowledge the attraction in his mind, but he'll know that attraction is only that--attraction. And what he has with you is not only attraction, but deep and real love.

 

For your part, you shouldn't be ashamed to admit your jealousy to him. Secrets tear apart relationships, lack of communication is what builds divides, and all you have to do to keep things open and good is just calmly mention your concerns to him. Say anything like, "Baby, I know you love me, but I have to admit I'm jealous of the girl you work with. She's really attractive and I feel ".

 

You won't be placing stress on him by being honest, as long as your rational about it (and everything you've written above shows that you are). In fact, you'll be doing the opposite by being open and discussing it. Because if you don't, it will inevitably affect your mood and demeanor, even in small ways you won't notice yourself, but that he will, and he'll wonder what exactly is making you seem emotionally distant from him.

 

Just my two cents.

[Lala5001]

Truthfully,not all men have that atttitude. Even around other men. It comes down to maturity.

From what his reaction to that man was 'it doesnt affect me,i just work' he sounds like the type of man who wouldnt be a sleezebag about it. Honestly,it sounds like his not even bothered.

So what,the girls pretty and dresses nice but not all men think with there male parts. Especially when they have a lovely girlfriend. Youre assuming he is looking at her 'in that way'.. But it may not be true.

 

The amount of time he has to spend with her,yeah that would bother me too. But i reckon you'll find some cracks come out the woodwork soon and you'll be laughing. Whether it be an annoying part of her personality,or taking the piss out of her attitude.. Either way,they will get bored soon. If not irritated!

 

If i were you,i would be honest with my boyfriend. It'll be a weight of your shoulders and he may even be able to offer some relief and ease your mind. Im sure he'd understand,too.

 

Also, many men seem to have 'a type' but currently,that type is you. He's your man,he doesnt need to look elsewhere!

[happpybear]

Why are you so insecure about your partnership when he has never given you any reason to distrust him? Why do you feel that you are not good enough? I think that is where you can start, what happened to you that made you feel that you are not good enough, attractive enough etc. Maybe you need to think about seeing a therapist to help find the root of these issues and guide you back out to the other side.

 

It's insecurities like this at come from within--that cause you to distrust your partner--that will totally undermine your RS. This stuff will create a huge divide, resentment on his part that you can't trust him. Eventually he will get tired of having to reassure you and he will get tired of the "what's wrong?" routine...basically these fears will cause exactly what you fear--him leaving you for another women.

 

I was in a RS with a man that was a lot like you I think. Very insecure, didn't think he was good enough for me. Suspicious of any man that looked my way. I never did anything to make him distrust me or feel this way, I'm a good girl, this all came from within him, in hindsight it is apparent to me that he was full of self-loathing. His insecurities caused him to bug my phone and computer in order to monitor me. This act of distrust caused the end of our relationship. While this is an extreme example and I'm not suggesting that you would stoop to this level, it all stems from the same feelings--insecurity, jealousy, low self-esteem etc.

[SooSad33]

"He's never given me reason to distrust him and he's more than supportive of my needs"

- Then sit with that fact. Not ALL men are that crude. Some do actually 'respect' women. If you see him as a respectful, decent man, then I suggest you not let it get to you.

 

1), yes, he's with you/

2) He will most likely want to risk his position at his work place, over a female co-worker. Some guys do actually have some inner strength.

 

Do your best to enjoy HIM, and put her aside.

IF you find you can't.. maybe consider some help.. therapy?

[CeeLambrini]

Is there anyway you can get to know her, so you can see her as another human being rather than put her on this pedestal these guys seem to have done? You have become almost as bad as these men that leer at her, you've taken her looks and decided that looks alone are important enough to ruin your relationship. We can't keep doing this to each other, where we see another woman's beauty as something to fear. At the end of the day it only reflects our own insecurities - not solid fact. It isn't a fact that he prefers caucasian women, he prefers you.

 

Thing is, she's exactly the original type my bf had in the past - he hasn't had a gf in the past before me, but as I stated in another post, he's always had this type that doesn't really look like me. She's tall, white with long light brown hair, and apparently she's "sweet and innocent" as my bf described.

 

Well, if he hasn't had a girlfriend of that 'type', then it clearly isn't his 'type'. If you are the first woman he has chosen to commit to, then I would argue that you are more his type.

 

Look, like I said in the beginning. Find some way of getting to know her. Introduce yourself next time you find yourself in a position to - such as when you spend lunch with him. That way you can talk to her for 5 minutes and perhaps get to know that she is a real person and probably more interested in proving herself in a dominantly male workplace (where she is seen as an object of affection rather than a hard working woman, serious about her job) rather than getting a reputation and becoming the office bike.

We can't control others thoughts and feelings. We can't control our boyfriends thoughts and feelings about another woman, it is hard to think of them imagining her in that way but there's nothing we can do about it. All we can do is stop making enemies in our minds of women who we feel are more attractive than us.

 

Have some empathy for her. She's going to be picking up on the leering and the judging while she tries hard to be taken seriously. It won't surprise me if she does lean more towards a friendship with your boyfriend, if he does show her respect and indifference when it comes to her looks. It will be better to know her, or have at least spoken to her a couple of times for when this time comes.

You have to ask yourself what you would do if the worst was to happen. Would the world end? No... if a woman in a nice skirt is all it takes to steal your boyfriend away - is he really worth worrying about? Heart break is, yes. The feelings of being left for someone else especially. But finding out at a young age that the person you wanted to spend your life with is a snake, rather than after a decade of investment has got to be worth something.

Saying that - that's the worst that can happen. It most likely isn't true. All she has done so far is existed - you haven't found any incriminating texts or emails indicating an affair, you have simply made a judgement and decided that she is his 'type'. Imagine if you were the woman being judged like this by another mans girlfriend, when all you wanted was to do your job and be taken seriously. Empathy and understanding and getting to know her a little seem to be the way forward in getting over this insecurity.

[misssmithviii]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

I feel like I can't wait until he leaves this job as he has been trying to do for awhile now. But the fact of the matter is, it's not the job or the coworker it's in me... It's an insecurity that will follow me wherever he or we decide to go.

 

I'm trying to manage it all - the stress... It's so darn hard...

[Fudgie]

But the fact of the matter is, it's not the job or the coworker it's in me... It's an insecurity that will follow me wherever he or we decide to go.

 

You are absolutely right. There will always be another coworker who may make you nervous. This is a problem that lies within you. Have you considered getting a self-book for working on your insecurity if you can't afford therapy? Just a thought. Time to tackle this.

[misssmithviii]

You are absolutely right. There will always be another coworker who may make you nervous. This is a problem that lies within you. Have you considered getting a self-book for working on your insecurity if you can't afford therapy? Just a thought. Time to tackle this.

 

 

I haven't gotten any self help books, no. But in terms of therapy, I do have someone I refer to as my therapist - he's a phone call away and he's always helped me get through things logically.

 

He helps me organize my thoughts like a therapist (whom I have seen before regarding my abusive past) despite him being a chemical engineer.

 

I guess what I want to figure out how to do is not care. I want to readjust my brain and not much of "tell yourself this" or "tell yourself that" has been working. I still have this horrible green monster of jealousy as well as the learned-fear of abandonment.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if they have already become friends and he just hasn't mentioned it as to not worry me. However I would love if he did.

 

I'm sincerely trying...

[misssmithviii]

He knows I feel a bit insecure, about her as well. When he told me his coworkers found after her like meat I remarked "well she must be pretty hot" - he didn't really refute it. I mean he said he doesn't find her attractive beforehand but as I said earlier, I know he does - she's a carbon copy of the girls he's found attractive in the past.

 

I don't like to be a nag, and I feel that since he knows I feel a bit insecure about her already, talking about it, being honest when he asks me why I'm feeling down - will only annoy after awhile.

 

I feel men tend to want to fix things, and there's nothing he needs to do to fix this. There's nothing he can do that he doesn't already do. He's supportive and sweet. I just don't want to annoy my bf into finding me unattractive while I feel subpar... and inferior.

 

 

I'm also going back to college to finish my last year for my Physics degree so I'll be even busier besides work. This means not only does he spend time with her at work, but when the coworkers invite him to do happy hours and I'm busy with homework - he'll be spending even more time, dare I say "drunk time" with her around too.

 

I fear that the most... I don't want to impede his friendships with his male coworkers so you can see the dilemma there for me as well.

 

Thoughts?

[sleepingdonut]

I just don't want to annoy my bf into finding me unattractive while I feel subpar... and inferior.

 

Have you both ever had a conversation in general about finding other people attractive? I think it's important for two people in a relationship to be able to share that and understand it's normal and OK. Your bf says he doesn't find her attractive--maybe that's true. But you say you know he does--maybe that's true. I don't know which. All I know is the best relationships have beautiful flowing lovingly honest lines of communication, where both people feel safe to share anything and everything. It's an ideal to some degree, but I think it's one to strive for.

 

I'm also going back to college to finish my last year for my Physics degree so I'll be even busier besides work. This means not only does he spend time with her at work, but when the coworkers invite him to do happy hours and I'm busy with homework - he'll be spending even more time, dare I say "drunk time" with her around too.

 

I fear that the most... I don't want to impede his friendships with his male coworkers so you can see the dilemma there for me as well.

 

Thoughts?

 

This is one of those times you just have to trust him. And trust is easier when people communicate well. I don't know exactly how good your lines of communication are, but you can always try to improve areas you perceive as weak. That may help. But in the end, it's a leap of faith in trusting that he's the good loving bf you believe he is. You just put one foot forward, close your eyes, and let yourself be vulnerable. Sure, you could get hurt bad, but putting your bare heart in someone's hands requires that risk, and I'm sure you know it's worth the risk--there's no other way to really live.

[misssmithviii]

Have you both ever had a conversation in general about finding other people attractive? I think it's important for two people in a relationship to be able to share that and understand it's normal and OK. Your bf says he doesn't find her attractive--maybe that's true. But you say you know he does--maybe that's true. I don't know which. All I know is the best relationships have beautiful flowing lovingly honest lines of communication, where both people feel safe to share anything and everything. It's an ideal to some degree, but I think it's one to strive for.

 

I feel like we're very open with who we find attractive. We both openly watch pornography if for some reason we can't have sex one night but need that release. We will comment on somebody we find beautiful and I'll say things like, "wow babe, look - isn't she gorgeous?" And he'll either agree or won't.

 

I love having that. And I feel like that goes out the window when it comes to people in real life that we know. He told me once he had a huge crush on this friend that I actually put my foot down and said I wasn't comfortable with them talking anymore (she was very immature and attacked him for spending so much time with me, she kind of pulled the "I've known you for years and you've always wanted me and now you love this girl?!" card)

 

I mentioned another reason I was uncomfortable from the get go was the fact that she's his original type. But it was only when she exhibited disrespectful behavior that I decided to put my foot down.

Ever since mentioning that, he has been wary of commenting on girls he knows or is in contact with.

 

I would almost rather him acknowledge that she's hot, and then support my insecurities. I feel like I'm more comfortable with that rather than almost knowing for sure he does, but just doesn't tell me.

 

 

As for trusting him? I believe he's a good man - but I believe alcohol can turn gentlemen into swine and ladies into

[itsallgrand]

If it's abandonment and insecurity issues of yours at the root, then there are things you can do to actively manage and change that.

 

I went through a lot of therapy a some years ago. It was specifically for PTSD. I had a very high level of insecurity, fear, and abandonment issues to deal with.

 

The essence really is in learning how to be 100% ok and to feel safe on your own within yourself. There aren't any magical easy answers to it; it's a hell of a lot of hard work, over years sometimes. But it is 100% achievable.

 

At the core really of these types of feelings is a fear of being alone and not being able to deal with it. So say, if something bad were to happen of this situation, worse case scenario...you lose him and are alone and hurt.

 

I have learned this can only have control over you if you do not know that you could handle that. I'll be honest, what finally got me to therapy's doors and to get serious about it was desperation. The end of a long term relationship because he had cheated. I was devastated and felt like I couldn't cope with life anymore, and was finally open to the help that was out there and to solve the real problem.

 

When you build on your inner resilience and face the demons, the scary stuff becomes manageable. And then, simply less scary. Til one day you will find yourself looking at situations like this and your sense of security is no longer on the line. You can look at it calmly and know "Ok, I can choose to trust or not trust, but either way, there is a certain element of control I can not always have. Regardless of what happens, I'll be ok".

 

And once you get there, it's peace.

 

You need to do that work so that your security is not wrapped up in what other people do or are. She's pretty...that's nice, for her. It doesn't impact who you are one bit.

 

By the way, you are a knock out. So there have probably been other girls/women who have worried similarly when you were around!

[sleepingdonut]

We will comment on somebody we find beautiful and I'll say things like, "wow babe, look - isn't she gorgeous?" And he'll either agree or won't.

 

I love having that. And I feel like that goes out the window when it comes to people in real life that we know.

 

Yes, commenting on physical attraction to celebrities is quite different than dealing with real-life attraction, which often can have mental and emotional components, even if they're small.

 

In any case, if he's a good guy, he's not going to get drunk and use that as an excuse to do something. Neither would you, I would hope. If someone loves you, it shows in all aspects of their life, including not putting themselves into careless situations where bad things can happen that can negatively affect the person they love. You've just got to trust what you believe about him. If you don't, then that's another conversation entirely.

[JGintheOC]

I think what it comes down to it, in order to get over the jealousy is to really think hard about the worst case scenario.

 

Most people get jealousy becuase they are afraid they'll lose the person they were with. But if he happened to date her, you two would break up right?

 

Then it will happen. That would go to show he truly didn't love you in the first place if he was going to let you go for some carbon copy. You have to remind yourself that if he wants someone else then he isn't right FOR you.

 

Ultimately people need to be in a relationship with someone who only has eyes for them and is happy with them.

 

As far as psychological techniques? I guess jealousy is the psychological creation of avoiding what they don't want to lose/ or have happen.

 

I guess you jsut have to accept that IT COULD happen and that you can't really do anything about it.