Moving forward after his breakdown turned out lives upside down

[jane4221]

I don't know Ms Darcy.

 

At first I felt a lot better. He stated several times that he had absolute clarity that he loved me as much as I loved him the whole relationship, that I was "his whole world" that at the moment of his proposal he was as happy as anyone could be etc.

 

And obviously after 10 months of wondering if he never loved me the same way that was something I needed to hear.

 

He also made clear that HE has hope of reconciliation. I told him at the time that would not be on the cards, but I think deep down it's what I've prayed for.

 

On the other hand the ex wife stuff was incredibly difficult to make sense of. Why is he thinking about HER when he just split up with ME?

 

I am doubtful there IS a way through all this mess or how I would ever trust him again. I also would not want to go through all of that to be someone's second choice.

[mhowe]

He is thinking about the ex wife because he shoved all of the emotions around that break up under the rug and never dealt with them, so as he deals with the break from you and the aftermath ---- it has come out as well.

 

He did love you ---- as much as he was capable. It sounds like he is still processing a lot of stuff ----

 

And I don't think you could ever trust him again. He is the man you see before you ----- the other guy was just a pressure cooker, waiting to explode.

 

You have seen the explosion and the aftermath. I wouldn't suggest signing up for it again.

[jane4221]

So the person I love was essentially the person pre-this. The person who didn't do all this? That's the person I want back?

 

And what I would actually GET back is someone completely diferrent. Some aspects the same, but some major fundamentals diferrent?

[jane4221]

And him thinking about her doesn't mean he loved her more? I KNOW none of this seems relevant, but it feels relevant. I've only been engaged once, only lived with a man and kid ONCE and would not want it to have been a case of me not being as good as someone else. I know how childish that sounds. It just feels important to me.

 

Especially given that this woman has not gives a rats ass that he has been sick. She lives 5 minutes away and could not give less of a crap. When she heard I was gone she said "good, better be permanent". I mean...????????

[mhowe]

So the person I love was essentially the person pre-this. The person who didn't do all this? That's the person I want back?

 

And what I would actually GET back is someone completely diferrent. Some aspects the same, but some major fundamentals diferrent?

 

Essentially, yes. His reaction to your stress and anxiety was to try and be superman until he couldn't. And had a breakdown.

 

And the person he is now is the person who now admits he cannot "please" everyone and has taken that as license to act selfishly.

[mhowe]

And him thinking about her doesn't mean he loved her more? I KNOW none of this seems relevant, but it feels relevant. I've only been engaged once, only lived with a man and kid ONCE and would not want it to have been a case of me not being as good as someone else. I know how childish that sounds. It just feels important to me.

 

Especially given that this woman has not gives a rats ass that he has been sick. She lives 5 minutes away and could not give less of a crap. When she heard I was gone she said "good, better be permanent". I mean...????????

 

No ---- it doesn't mean he loved her more. It means he never processed the grief of the loss of her/the family unit. She left him. ....but she sounds like she doesn't want him to be happy with another woman.

[jane4221]

I don't think it's that. She hated him being with another CHILD.

 

In terms of him, she was delighted to be rid of him and made that clear.

[mhowe]

OK, she didn't want to see him with another child.

 

Regardless, he didn't love her more than you ----

[Ms Darcy]

I think he has always been who he is. It's just with varying levels of clarity. Having different feelings doesn't change who he is. He just has to think about how he processes emotions and deals with adversity.

 

I'm glad that he confirmed that he loved you. If it were me I would not want to be with a man who so clearly still loves his ex.

[catfeeder]

How long after his divorce was finalized did he start seeing you?

[jane4221]

How long after his divorce was finalized did he start seeing you?

 

A year after he started seeing me.

 

I know that sounds bad (and it was) but at the time he pointed out to me that....

 

They had been in counselling / with problems for 5 years so their marriage had been in crisis a long time.

 

They had been in separate bedrooms, with no contact aside from a "hello" here and there for 3 years. Not even hugs or kisses and they led completely separate lives all that time.

 

They had not had sex for four years.

 

For at least two years that he knows about she was having an affair with his friend who was a neighbour

 

But no, they weren't yet divorced when we met.

 

Actually to be fair we went to school together so we "met" aged 9, but we got together about two weeks after they had verbally agreed the marriage was dead and to aim for divorce, but at that point I knew (we mixed in the same group) that the divorce had been a long time coming.

 

So VERY soon - but to be honest, despite the circumstances above he was still hoping it would be resolved when we got together and he was sad about it. Falling in love with me took his mind off it. Also bad, but you can't control these things.

 

He did have SOME time to adjust because, we were 1700 miles apart for the first six months, but unfortunately due to finances etc. they remained separated but under the same room for most of that time.

 

He moved out into a new place with me - so there was no period of living alone. She moved directly in with her boyfriend a few months later.

 

His divorce came through a year after we got together.

 

Yes, I know, all of this was much too soon. I regret it now obviously.

 

I just took his word that he had done his grieving during the marriage that he was over it. It made perfect sense. He told me the only reason he stayed so long was for his kid. Certainly the whole time we were together he never showed a single sing of any feeling for her. They had zero intimacy. It was more like polite strangers. Very amicable but really, really cold.

[catfeeder]

A year after he started seeing me.

 

I know that sounds bad (and it was) but at the time he pointed out to me that....

 

This question wasn't asked through a moral lens, so 'bad' or 'wrong' isn't a productive characterization. It's about viewing this through the best lens to answer all of the questions you're asking about the ex.

 

And I do mean ALL of them.

You have all the answers--right there.

 

All the 'stuff' he 'told' you is irrelevant in the face of your own discretion. Nobody going through a breakup is capable of diagnosing and declaring themselves healed and 'ready' for a new relationship. This guy was not relationship material at the time, regardless of what he 'said,'--he was a time bomb. While the degree of his breakdown may not have been predictable, the demise of this relationship in one form or another was a foreseeable outcome.

 

The term 'rebound' is overused enough to sound trite, but the consequences of involvement with anyone who has not fully processed and taken a year or longer to stabilize after a divorce is ~finalized~ are researchable and common enough to explain why ex is rolling both breakups into one giant mess--and why he can't make reasonable distinctions between his feelings for you versus his ex.

 

You might find it helpful to do this research and teach yourself what an objective Psyche101 student can see. This isn't about morality or blame, it's purely about human psychology and what happens when someone shelves a natural and painful grieving process that is critical to healing into stability.

 

My heart goes out to you, and write more if it helps.

[Ms Darcy]

But no, they weren't yet divorced when we met.

 

You probably would have saved yourself a lot of heartache if you had insisted that he had to be divorced for at least a year before dating him.

 

Sounds like he transferred feelings from her to you.

 

Well, that explains everything to me. Yeah, he was dating too soon. And you were a bit of a rebound.

[jane4221]

Hindsight is a beautiful thing.

 

But at the time, I made a judgement call that if a person is in a separate room for many years, has not had sex or physical contact of any sort for years (I know this is true not from him but also from her) a large part of their detachment and emotional moving on would probably have been done. It made logical sense to me.

 

Looking back though, I should have insisted on longer.

[jane4221]

He was VERY convincing!!!!! This is what he sent me when I said it was too soon:

 

 

I know you feel it’s too soon but I have had time to get over my divorce - *** and I have been over for years. There are still a few milestones left but, to be honest, they would be there even after a year. I was in a loveless marriage for a very long time, the grieving is done now. Make the jump and come to me. It is the right thing to do and the best thing to do and you will never have any regrets - I promise. I could never lead you along, take you for a ride or do anything that would hurt you or upset you. Yes, it will be strange at first - new country, cold weather, new house, new school. All of that. But it will be worth it. I know I have been through a tough marriage, but you are so far from a consolation prize or picking up the ashes of a emotionally burnt out man. You are the ONE for me, I just wish I could get you to understand this. I want to be with you and only you. I want to share the future with you, I am not concerned with the past and have no regrets . I want to be with you. I want us to grow old together. I want to build a house and a home together and have both our boys be the happiest in the world. If WE decide that we should have a baby together, then that would be a wonderful thing. I had wanted at least two kids, possibly four but would completely understand if you felt we were too old now or whatever. I am ready to move on. I am ready to share my life and my love with the one and only person in the world that I honestly and truly want to spend the rest of my life with. That person is you, please accept this and embrace it because you are the most beautiful person I have ever met and I want to be with you through thick and thin

 

This was what he was like ALL the time. HE was like that with me until the day he left, which I think is why this has been impossible to adjust to. It's like being told the sky is purple.

 

I am getting there slowly though. All this talking and analysing sometimes feels like self-abuse but I think it gets it out of the system and helps me clarify thoughts.

 

Maybe we were just set up to fail from the beginning.

 

I am quite close to a decision to go genuinely no contact and put this in my past.