Help Around the House

[jul-els]

Based on what you said, it sounds to me like a point the two of you will never be able to come together on. Good news is it leaves you with three options, move out, keep cleaning up by yourself, or hire a maid.

[Ms Darcy]

When confronting him and asking him to please contribute, he says, "I never clean, babe. You know that. I've never cleaned since the beginning. I just don't." The concept of stepping up and changing that is so foreign to him. He refuses to believe he CAN help, and that he SHOULD help.

 

HELP ME.

 

STOP. JUST STOP. You cannot change this guy. He's lazy and entitled.

 

If you start off acting like a maid, a man will treat you like a maid.

 

What would I do? Move out and break up with him ... because I could NEVER live with such a selfish ba-tard.

[Fudgie]

As others have said, you have 3 options: move out, pay for a maid (somehow), or do it yourself. He has outright refused, in your words to help. He doesn't believe that he even SHOULD help. I personally couldn't put up with that at all. You know, someday, I probably will pay for maid to come in once a week or so and clean but I don't have that money right now so I do it myself. It's completely unfair that it should all fall to you.

 

As a side note, I hope you're not putting up with this sort of nonsense because he's older. I've been in a few age gap relationships (15 years older, 38 years older) and it can be very easy to make excuses for someone who shrugs and says "Well, I'm set in my ways!" or "Oh, I've just been this way so long, it's what I'm used to" or "I'm just too old, I can't change". It's nonsense. He's older, not dead. He is capable of change but only if he desires.

 

My suggestion, if you really want to stay with this guy and not live in a sty, you need to SHOW him that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. The reason why he refuses to clean and won't do it is because he knows he can get away with it. You'll ultimately get grossed out and do it. He knows this.

 

I would sit him down and say outright "This is unacceptable. This is disgusting. I don't want to marry you if you are going to do this. Until you start putting forth an effort, I will not be putting in any myself in this relationship. This needs to be a joint effort and until you step it up, you're on your own." Stop cooking for him, cook only for yourself. Don't clean. Don't do laundry. Don't put anything away. Don't have relations with him. Stay out of the house if you need to and even go to a friend's if you have to.

 

He needs to get the message that this is unacceptable and you're not going to stand by and take this sort of nonsense.

[charity]

oh god... this is a sensitive topic for me. i can't stand this situation and have experienced it in EVERY relationship i've been in.

 

first mistake is asking him to HELP. Help implies that you are the cleaning person and he needs to assist sometimes. NO NO NO. he needs to behave like an adult and run his home like an adult.

 

second mistake is that you had no problem doing ALL the chores when you were at home and he was at work. it is a mistake that many people make. that makes him lazy. no one should get away with not looking after their home okay. people who are employed still have to look after their home. just because you have a husband or wife at home doesn't mean that you never do household chores. its just part of life. and you know what ..its BIG part of life, takes a lot of time and effort and also.. ITS NOT FUN. So if you have 2 adults living in a house together the chores have to be split in a way that is fair.

 

now its at a point where this is really bothering you and hurting you. you need to communicate that to him very seriously. you guys need to work out how this can be resolved.

there are only 3 possible outcomes.

 

1 he starts acting like a clean adult....this will make you happy

2 he doesn't and you accept that.......this will make you happy(ish)

3 he doesn't and you can't accept it but you'll still be with him.......this will make you miserable- basically this is the one you're in now.

 

sigh.... i don't know if i will ever be in a relationship for this reason alone. i have 2 kids and i just could not tolerate a grown man acting like i'm his mother.

[Katrinagirl]

OMG, absolutely this^^!! Fudgie, you are awesome!