Seducing a close friend who's interested but anxious

[Lonewing]

Just remember, at the back of all of this, how he prefers his relationships. As I said earlier, as long as you are happy with a partnership or a long term companionship, I think he'll be happy. But as soon as you try to put a ring on it or pop one out, I dare say he'll be turned quicker than quicksand at the thought.

 

Whatever happens, happens...no pressure, right?

[tigerlily94]

what exactly are you looking for again....I am still unsure? a boy toy? hook ups..idk?

 

In this case, I've been looking to add sexual intimacy to what is already an emotionally + physically intimate situation... in the past, I'd held back with him and he had admitted to "exercising a lot of self-control" around me, and I just think it's foolish NOT to try this given the situation and the multiple times it's come up in the past.

 

I get the "scared of things going wrong/being awkward" etc., but frankly it's a lot more awkward when both people are attracted to each other yet keep doing this "oh maybe we shouldn't do this" dance despite it being a recurring theme that is never fully explored. We're both single and have been since we've known each other, but we've both dated other people since then.

 

In my case, I dated a guy last summer but wasn't in contact with this current guy at the time. I have made no special effort to hide that information and have in fact shared a few (appropriate!) anecdotes with him. This guy, on the other hand, doesn't bring up other women around me - i.e., he doesn't share it and seems to hide it, if anything. I have other guy friends in my life who talk about this stuff openly with me, which makes me question how truly "platonic" our own relationship truly is.

[tigerlily94]

Just remember, at the back of all of this, how he prefers his relationships. As I said earlier, as long as you are happy with a partnership or a long term companionship, I think he'll be happy. But as soon as you try to put a ring on it or pop one out, I dare say he'll be turned quicker than quicksand at the thought.

 

Whatever happens, happens...no pressure, right?

 

Lonewing - Yes! Right on. Basically, I'm sick of the gray area and I've gotten up the guts - and the rationale - to move us right on out of it. I am open to what (positive) changes could occur as a result. I am not tied to OMGWEREGETTINGMARRIED!!!111one or any outcome of the sort. I am NOT eager to have children anytime soon (if ever - I'd prefer one or none) - but my clock isn't ticking quite so loudly as his peers (he is 35, nearly 7 years older than me).

 

Nearly all of his peers, long-time friends, and cousins have gotten married or engaged. He has wondered aloud about his life + future in that regard, has made many remarks to imply that he still considers he'd have children someday, but has also said that "I feel like I am going to blink and I'll be 40." But that's all for him to figure out, not me.

 

I'm all about exploring the current situation and not trying to anticipate or solve long-range problems or expect worst-case scenarios. Actually, the worst case scenario to me would be this whole question never coming up or happening (or getting postponed indefinitely). Enough! ;-)

[HeartGoesOn]

He was laughing + smiling afterwards and seemed a bit in disbelief.. but then he hopped in the shower to get ready for work. When he got out, he walked up to me and gave me a big grin + a kiss. Hmmm.

 

As they say, "sex sells," yet on the other hand, be careful what you wish for. Is this mission accomplished, or are you looking for Prince charming, and that white picket fence?

[Doc Blaze]

if you are tying to move out of the grey area with a BJ, this might backfire badly...

[PaintWithLight]

if you are tying to move out of the grey area with a BJ, this might backfire badly...

 

Yes. ^^^^. Believe it or not, you have changed things in this guy's mind. You are now the girl who is temporarily living with him that just gave him oral sex. This is like putting a child behind the wheel of a char and pushing it out into traffic to see how well things go.

 

The tension, the flirtiness, the will she or wont she....is all gone now. She will. And she did. Without some kind of understanding or agreement of where this is headed. Plus, he will not be able to escape from you to have his own space since you both live together. He could not turn down free chocolate but does he want it daily?

 

Housemates going sexual with each just because of tension and attraction is rarely a good idea. There is nothing there to support any of these new feelings and doubt, misunderstandings and unspoken resentment can flood in now that the barrier has been breached. You will know in a few days how is he handling this.

[tigerlily94]

The tension, the flirtiness, the will she or wont she....is all gone now. She will. And she did. Without some kind of understanding or agreement of where this is headed.

 

You will know in a few days how is he handling this.

 

With regard to the first paragraph - I'm okay with that. Because that had been hanging in the air for about two years now. And tension for that long is excruciating.

 

And to your last line - thank God. Because there has been a "I like where we're at...blah blah...affectionate cuddle buddy emotional intimacy but I'm too chicken (he did once say this) to take it further" thing happening for too long. This is maybe the third time over the last year and a half that he initiates and stirs things up and then gets scared. Enough!

[tigerlily94]

Ok, here's an update...

 

Things haven't escalated. But things are good.

 

I haven't initiated anything since the end of last week, nor has he. We haven't brought it up, but things haven't been at all awkward between us. He is quite chatty and happy and other times quiet when he's tired, the normal stuff. A few things, though:

 

1) Saturday night, I hung out with a guy I used to see last summer - we're both well past that situation now, it was never super-serious, and we get along nicely/were friends first anyway. So we got a casual dinner that night, walked around, and ended up chatting on the front steps here. Roommate guy gets home from friend's birthday party while we're still chatting and they meet briefly. Last summer guy is younger + very very attractive. When he'd left and roommate guy + I were getting ready for bed not long after, I'd mentioned who last summer guy was - I suppose a slight dangle, but more importantly, I was hoping the hint was "See? it's possible to date people and have things be happy + all right later even if it doesn't work out."

 

2) The next morning, I get up and leave the house early but get a text: "Sorry I was so restless last night. I think I ate too much sugar during the day." I didn't really notice this, but I said it was all okay. When I got home midday, he came up to me and hugged me and said he was sorry for tossing + turning so much, again. (this is a strange action on his part) - and I said again, it was okay.

 

3) This same day, he checks the fridge + returns home from the grocery store with lots of food "so we can make real dinners for ourselves this week." I was surprised and overwhelmed, but it was nice and said I was happy to cook.

 

4) Later in the afternoon, he says he was thinking of going to a pool for a bit and would I want to join? He hasn't asked me if I've wanted to go out + hang out anywhere in quite a while. I said that'd be fun, and is there anyone else you want to join too? He dismissed that. We ended up going swimming, having a couple drinks, and then getting pizza.

 

5) Instead of curling up away from me in bed, he was way more huggy + cuddly last night. No outright kissing or anything sexual, but he was sweet + affectionate and put his arms around me.

 

I'm kind of mystified by this guy + his actions. Is this simply a "romantic friendship"? What gives? (Sigh.)

[Lonewing]

It's whatever comes of it is what it is...he may just have no idea how to be in a relationship...

[blackgnat]

So hang on, do you guys share a bed every night?

 

I don't get the nature of this situation at all.

 

I think he really has all the power here and you are overanalyzing his every syllable. You are much keener to have this evolve than he is. Of course he's going to be chatty and happy-he wants to have a good relationship with his roomie (or whatever you are) and now he's getting a bj into the bargain!

 

Making dinners and going to the pool together doesn't mean much more than he enjoys your company, I think. Be careful you don't get used.

 

And don't fool yourself-it's going to end in tears if you invest too much time in interpreting his feelings...

[regular joe]

I am confused here too. So you two sleep together and you give him head. If this is the case he already has a good situation here, why ruin a good thing at least for him.

[tigerlily94]

Yes, we share a bed. I'm living with him temporarily (likely for the rest of this month). We have never had sex; he seems to have no problem having casual sex with other women though. But it seems like those situations are on + off; sometimes months apart. I gave him head for the first time last week because I was tired of his on+off flirtiness with me and felt like...hey, this could be good, let's go for it. I haven't tried it again since. I think he couldn't really believe it was happening.

 

Tonight I'm going to stay with another friend, I think. And probably the night after that. Give him - and me - some space.

 

It's just really strange to me. All I can think is that he's scared + doesn't want to mess things up, but in my opinion this IS messed up and silly and I wish he'd just chill and try it and have fun with me.

 

I also think he has zero idea of how to have a real relationship. He is 35. It's vexing. I'm going to pull back on everything. It's just really odd...

[mhowe]

He isn't scared --- he doesn't want to make a commitment to a relationship. That is his choice.

 

it isn't confusing --- you want to have sex and a relationship with him, and he toys with you like a cat toys with a mouse.

He doesn't want to have fun with you.

 

You don't seem to want to hear that.

 

What is odd is thinking he must be "odd" because he isn't jumping at the chance to jump you.

[tigerlily94]

I used to "toy with him," so perhaps it's just what goes around comes around...? I think if he felt he had nothing to lose, it'd be fine, but I think he just doesn't want things to go sour.

 

He has expressed all kinds of longing for a relationship "someday" but says he just wants "fun" in the meantime. Yet he has also shared his anxiety about watching all his childhood friends + cousins getting married and having babies and wondering "what the universe wants for me." I told him that it's up to him too - the world doesn't just decide things for you. If you play passive in life, you have to live with the results (or lack thereof).

 

I much rather be brave + live than be overly cautious and wonder. And I suppose that's where we differ.

[mhowe]

A relationship someday --- good for him. Clearly, not one with you.

 

He just hasn't met the right woman....he will. He wants to be single.....why does that bother you so much?

 

Apparently in YOUR universe --- you decide for others! LOL.

[abitbroken]

Ok. You have zero respect for yourself I see. And you think you "know better" for him, too. You want sex so bad with this guy that you are still parading yourself around as the daily special. You dated the guy JUST to see what your roomie would do about it. You are basically showing him that you are "paying" him to stay with him through backrubs and blow jobs. You have to believe you are worth more than that. The girls that guys choose for a long term relationship, for the most part, they choose because they are NOT easy at first. They have some self respect. They aren't just willing to open their legs, which is what you are doing. You look terribly desperate, I am afraid, and he is not going to have much respect for you.

 

Guess what? You are going to be fall back girl - the girl he knows that he can cuddle, get a bj from, etc, when he doesn't have other offers. You never know, he might just tell his friends to look you up, too. Are you proud of that, now?

[tigerlily94]

A relationship someday --- good for him. Clearly, not one with you.

 

He just hasn't met the right woman....he will. He wants to be single.....why does that bother you so much?

 

Apparently in YOUR universe --- you decide for others! LOL.

 

Well, because he told me - in words + actions - multiple times - since we've met - that he was interested in me and I was different to him. But that I "deserved a thinner version of him" or "I want to be a better man for you" or "I need to make more money before I can have a relationship," etc.

 

He's never met the right woman. Even if the right woman ISN'T me - which I can accept - he's met plenty of women who he can have casual sex with. But he'll be sweet and kiss me, and kiss my stomach, touch me, etc - all of which HE initiates - but then he backpedals. And when he hints at taking things further? If I call his bluff, he gets nervous.

 

If I'm his friend, I want to be his friend. If I'm more than that, I want to be allowed to be more than that. I'm tired of the back + forth. In THIS universe...I want things to be straightforward. Because this is silly. Life isn't a dress rehearsal.

[tigerlily94]

Uh. Okay. No, I feel fine about myself. All that you wrote isn't exactly what's going on, at all. I've been the opposite of easy for years and was thinking that was a problem for a guy who has his own insecurities, too. I don't think I'm the fall back girl. I would've been by now. And his friends are all married or in long-term relationships, thanks - I'm friends with a number of them as well.

[abitbroken]

I used to "toy with him," so perhaps it's just what goes around comes around...? I think if he felt he had nothing to lose, it'd be fine, but I think he just doesn't want things to go sour.

 

He has expressed all kinds of longing for a relationship "someday" but says he just wants "fun" in the meantime. Yet he has also shared his anxiety about watching all his childhood friends + cousins getting married and having babies and wondering "what the universe wants for me." I told him that it's up to him too - the world doesn't just decide things for you. If you play passive in life, you have to live with the results (or lack thereof).

 

I much rather be brave + live than be overly cautious and wonder. And I suppose that's where we differ.

 

He may say these things because YOU want to hear them.

 

And he is NOT playing passive. he has NOT met the right woman yet. he is far from passive. He is out there enjoying the single life. right now, he doesn't have to go far for a bj. Convenient, huh?

 

The problem is that you think anything other than wanting YOU as a girlfriend and possibly fiancee is "passive".

 

He is not seeing you as the girl to take home to mom and dad. He is seeing you as someone who is willing to open her legs if he wants. if you really want a solid, long term relationship, show some substance and move out and find a guy who wants a long term relationship. Breaking a guy down to try to seduce him is not a foundation to build a relationship on - because when your boobs and tummy sags and he grows a beer gut, there is going to be nothing holding your relationship together at all.

 

Also, when someone is not doing what you want, do you hammer them until you get your way??

[mhowe]

He hints --- he never, ever executes.

 

There is no back and forth --- there is just a serious lack of boundaries.

 

You are a walk on player in this play --- and the director (him/his life) doesn't have a part for you.

 

My brother dated for 20 years --- got engaged once and it lasted a year. He is getting married to his long time (10 yr) gf in Nov. At 54.

 

Your friend hasn't found the right woman. And he makes excuses to you because your desperation to have him is so apparent.

[abitbroken]

Uh. Okay. No, I feel fine about myself. All that you wrote isn't exactly what's going on, at all. I've been the opposite of easy for years and was thinking that was a problem for a guy who has his own insecurities, too. I don't think I'm the fall back girl. I would've been by now. And his friends are all married or in long-term relationships, thanks - I'm friends with a number of them as well.

 

You are the fall back girl. You are sleeping in bed with this guy right off the bat. He doesn't have to earn you. he doesn't have to court you. he doesn't have to respect you. He is not insecure - he just doesn't want a relationship with you and is not ready for anything long term right now. Everyone matures at their own pace. I have a cousin who finally wanted to be in a relationship at 40. He played the field for YEARS. Stop trying to fix this guy and have some respect for yourself and for him. Laying around naked or passing out bjs is not the way to get a boyfriend

[tigerlily94]

He actually already has a beer gut. I'm petite. And I'm the only girl he has brought home to family - his sister has admitted this to me. He invited me to Thanksgiving a couple years ago, and he just invited me to a family BBQ this past weekend. I'm sorry if I didn't explain that we have a substantial history as close friends.

[abitbroken]

He actually already has a beer gut. I'm petite. And I'm the only girl he has brought home to family - his sister has admitted this to me. He invited me to Thanksgiving a couple years ago, and he just invited me to a family BBQ this past weekend. I'm sorry if I didn't explain that we have a substantial history as close friends.

 

Small boobs can still sag, sweetie, or flatten like pancakes instead of remaining perky. And you can still gain weight.

 

He invited you to the BBQ because you are around.

 

No matter what - he DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU and the way you are going about this will insure that. if you want a relationship move out and date him in a respectful way. If he wants to date you. You can't just sneak into one. Believe me, I have seen situations like this and a girl like you hangs on for years, and when he is ready to marry, meets the mother of his children and things move quickly.

 

You are his FWB or getting there. That is all. If you want to be more, you have to bring some respect into it. And you have none for him and little for yourself.

[tigerlily94]

Actually, he does want a relationship with me - a friendship, at least. Otherwise I think he'd have gone for it. I think he doesn't want to spoil things even though they're a bit odd now.

 

All he's ever had are FWBs from what I understand. I've been the friend first, benefits much later - and hardly any, at that. I'm not the one who's been "easy." The other girls have. I think he's had some fun, sexy times with them. But I think they're more readily replaced. He's opened up more to me and has always joked about me being the mother of his children, which always freaked me out and he thought it was hilarious. I think he doesn't want to "mess things up" because it's more difficult to lose someone you're emotionally close to/have that history with than one of your FWBs who are easy come, easy go.

 

And I'm beginning to feel a bit silly if that is indeed the case.

[mhowe]

He invites you because you are a long time friend --- not because he is romantically interested in you.

 

It is hard to fathom how blind you are to all of this in the all out pursuit of YOUR agenda.