Attracted to coworker & need advice

[chewy21]

I'm really at a loss for ideas here, and I feel like something needs to happen soon. So here's what's going on:

 

I work at the technical support center for a state university as full time staff. We don't have a whole lot going on during the summer semesters, so most of our time until fall starts is spent playing board games and helping the few people who come in or call with a problem. It's also the time we try to hire new student workers and get them trained up.

 

About a month ago we hired a few new student workers, and one among them was a really cute girl named Toni. I was instantly attracted, but I was willing to leave it at that because she's a coworker.

 

So in the process of helping train her, I got to know her a lot better, and we share a ton of common interests. We both play an inordinate amount of video games. We both like chess and Magic: The Gathering. We enjoy the same types of games and have actually played a lot of the same games. We have very similar tastes in music and movies. In short, we're both big nerds about the same things. We also have similar worldviews, and we tend to make each other laugh a lot.

 

So after one particular day at work (we played a game of Magic during which there was a lot of smiling and prolonged eye contact) my attraction to her kinda kicked into overdrive, and I started to suspect that she might be attracted to me. I scoured the university ethics policy for any sign that there might be some violation for a full time staff member dating a student, and was relieved to find that wasn't the case.

 

This past week is when things started moving more quickly.

 

Since last Sunday night (which is a week ago today), I've been staying up until the early AM hours with her, playing games on Steam and voice chatting on Skype. Sometimes we were playing team games, and there would be other people join. But she and I always stayed until after everyone else had gone to bed. Sometimes we would play more games together, but other times we would just sit there and talk as though we were on the phone. Each night got later than the last, and the eye contact at work started happening from accross the room, when we weren't sitting accross from one another playing a game.

 

I finally decided that I needed to see if she'd be willing to spend time with me in person away from work. So I had my buddy set up a small cookout last night and invited her to go with me. Now, she usually spends all day Saturday writing code for her Java class, so I knew she'd have an excuse not to come, which is what I wanted. But she accepted, and we had a great time last night. When I was driving her home this morning at about 1:30, she asked if I was too tired to play some games when I got home. I told her I'd be there, and we played a couple of games. But after about an hour and a half, she suggested we take a break, and we spent the morning just talking until about 7.

 

At some point, I asked her if keeping these hours was normal for her. She said it wasn't, but that we really didn't have any other time to play (even though we weren't playing about half the time, just talking to each other).

 

So my issue is that she may not know that I like her. I feel like that needs to change fast, because she may just give up and start viewing me as just a friend (if she hasn't already), and I don't wanna miss my shot with such an amazing girl.

 

But there are two things keeping me from just coming out and asking.

 

1) She's my coworker, and I don't want it to be awkward when we work together if it doesn't end up being a mutual thing.

2) She's quite a bit younger than I am. We've discussed it a little, and we both agree age is pretty meaningless, but I still wonder if maybe that could be keeping her from viewing me in a romantic way, or at least a concern for her.

 

So what do I do here?

 

Am I seeing this the right way? You don't stay up talking with someone until 5, 6, 7 in the morning unless you have a thing for them, right?

 

Is there a way I can let her know how I feel without potentially making things awkward?

 

Any and all responses are greatly appreciated.

[PaintWithLight]

This is a bad idea. Forget reviewing the ethics policy, review the common-sense policy. Getting involved with a younger co-worker who was recently hired and is being trained by your unit has a high chance of disaster.

 

Keep your love life separate from your work life. This woman appeared in your life by chance. If you like her type and do not want to miss your chance with a woman like that, go out into life and FIND one. You should not let her know you have a crush on her. You should keep it professional.

 

Take a look at your life life and dating game. Have you gotten lazy and complacent so that you think now it is a good idea to fish off the the end of the company pier? Unfortunately, the workplace is filled with guys who see every new female hire as a new potential romance. Don't be that guy. This woman is there to work. Please respect that.

 

Edit: didn't you just break up with someone a few weeks ago? Perhaps those feelings of loss are fueling this into a rebound situation. Even more reason to cool your jets.

[chewy21]

I appreciate the words of caution.

 

I don't appreciate the accusation of disrespect. I know she's there to work. As am I. Hence the careful way I'm approaching this. If I didn't care, I would just ask her and be done with it.

 

ALL people appear in your life by chance. If there's a connection, you seize it if you can. I'm just trying to figure out how to seize this one.

 

Also, what makes you think I've gotten lazy and complacent? Because I'm attracted to someone I work with? I work with several women, and some of them I find physically attractive, but I'm well aware of how to keep it professional. This is the most involved I've ever gotten with a woman from work, and I'm not sure how to handle it. That's why I'm here: for advice on how to proceed, not to be berated as though I'm some horndog who hits on everything with a pair of .

 

Yes, I recently broke up with a girl I dated for a year. However, if you read those posts, it's pretty clear that I hadn't really been a part of that relationship for quite some time. I came here to make sure I was doing the right thing to cause her as little pain as possible. My feelings of loss lasted for a few days until I realized that what I was missing was more the companionship, less the person. My head's on straight, and I don't think that has much to do with what's going on here, if anything.

[PaintWithLight]

No disrespect intended and I never meant to paint you as a horndog. But you are the guy who felt an instant attraction with this woman, I mean, work colleague. And despite your assurances of caution, things have moved pretty quickly this last week. You have have initiated extensive contact outside of work via gaming and Skype and you engineered a barbecue so you could invite her along. All this would be fine if she was a neutral woman you had met in the frozen food section at the market. But you work with her and your internal dialog is already saying: don't miss your shot with this amazing girl.

 

What you interpret as berating is strong caution because according to your previous posts, you have a history of falling too fast and too hard. Sorry I cannot give you any advice on how to proceed. My advice is to cease all this immediately and instead meet and date 10 other women. Would that be hard, heck yeah. It is so much easier to ride in under the trust and acceptance from a work colleague instead. There are women equal or surpassing to this girl out there. It would be cleaner and less complicated to keep work and romance separate. Good luck!

[SooSad33]

"ALL people appear in your life by chance. If there's a connection, you seize it if you can. I'm just trying to figure out how to seize this one."

- No, You weren't asking 'how', you were asking 'if' you should approach her.

See? >> "She's my coworker, and I don't want it to be awkward when we work together if it doesn't end up being a mutual thing."

 

And i agree, no you shouldn't do this.

Yes, I think she is already aware you fancy her. But, yes she is a co worker and if those don't work out, most often it becomes VERY uncomfortable setting at the workplace.

Yes, it is common for someone to have a 'crush' on someone within such a short time, but I do suggest you ease off and let her continue to get comfortable there and not meddle in her personal life at this time.

Slow yourself down and respect her work interest.

As for your idea of 'If there's a conection, you seize it if you can'? Not always, some aren't always the right time etc.

 

Anyways, you'll do as you please, but you have been cautioned was to YOUR position here and her being a 'new' coworker.

[chewy21]

- No, You weren't asking 'how', you were asking 'if' you should approach her.

 

Very last question from my OP: "Is there a way I can let her know how I feel without potentially making things awkward?" I've already decided that I should. And yes, I was coming here looking for advice on how. I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish by telling me what my own motives are.

 

And i agree, no you shouldn't do this.

 

I respect your opinion, but respectfully disagree, and that's fine. My issue with the first response (which prompted the response you quoted) was the insinuation that I somehow lacked respect for her. That's not the case at all.

 

Yes, I think she is already aware you fancy her. But, yes she is a co worker and if those don't work out, most often it becomes VERY uncomfortable setting at the workplace.

Yes, it is common for someone to have a 'crush' on someone within such a short time, but I do suggest you ease off and let her continue to get comfortable there and not meddle in her personal life at this time.

 

Again, I appreciate the cautionary words. But again (and perhaps this is my fault for poor wording, I'm not sure), you seem to think that I'm the one initiating this. I didn't, and have not been. I'm not doing anything unwelcome or otherwise intrusive. I've been responding to her in ways that fit how I feel.

 

She contacted me outside of work first. She's been the initiator of at least 80% of the contact we've had since then. And while at work, it's been nothing but friendly and professional.

 

Slow yourself down and respect her work interest.

 

See my response to the first reply. It covers respect.

 

Anyways, you'll do as you please, but you have been cautioned was to YOUR position here and her being a 'new' coworker.

 

Look, I appreciate your response, really. I don't mean to get argumentative, and I certainly wouldn't want to get into it about your opinion. That's what I want, opinions, and I appreciate the time you took to give me yours, even if I disagree with it.

 

The only issue I have is the character attacks that seem to come with it, as though I'm forcing myself on some unwilling victim. Not the case. I'm treating this as carefully as I can *precisely because* I respect both of our work interests. And yes, a way to guarantee those interests remain immaculate is to ignore my feelings and her feelings, suddenly back off without giving her a reason, and forego what is, quite frankly, one of the most promising relationship prospects I've ever met. But that seems wasteful and unnecessary. Which is why I'm here, to learn how I might do this in a way that would make working together less awkward if it turns out that I'm getting the signals crossed somehow (unlikely at this point, but nobody's perfect, least of all me).

 

Thanks again for your post.

[GreenDragon35]

Hey there,

 

I think she may be interested. Maybe you can ask her out on a date, so that you both can spent some time alone and away from the games? Go to dinner with her, and let things develop. The age difference should not be a problem if you have enough in common, and it seems like you have. If you decide to tell her that you like her, but you don't want to get things awkward at work, just tell her as well, your both adults and it should be possible to deal with that issue in a reasonable way. It may get more tricky when you've been in a realtionship with a coworker for quite a while and then break-up. One side will always be more emotinally involved than the other and this might cause some awkwardness which should be accepted then, as wounds take time to heal.

[chewy21]

Thanks for your post, GreenDragon.

 

In fact, this is exactly what ended up happening. I told her honestly that I had started to like her over the past several weeks, but made sure to tell her that it was still new enough to be aborted and remain friends instead if that's what she'd prefer. Told her that I didn't want to make things awkward since we work together, and that normally I'd have just asked her out already if work wasn't a factor.

 

Turns out, she felt the same way I did. We'd both been a little confused because our signals were mixed with attempts to keep things work appropriate. But we both agreed to proceed with extreme caution, as neither of us has dated anybody we work with before. We laid down some ground rules and agreed that this was nobody's business but our own, at least for now.

 

The age thing doesn't seem to be a problem, either. She's incredibly smart, mature, and seems to know what she wants. In fact, if anything, our differing experiences due to age tend to liven up our discussions.

 

All in all, I'm pretty darn happy with how it turned out. We'll see where it goes from here. Thanks again to everyone who offered their advice and opinions.

[abitbroken]

I think before you do anything, you need to cool off a little bit and achieve some balance to see if this has staying power. You need to go to sleep at a reasonable hour so you don't burn up at work and you need to start having a balance. Sometimes don't be available to play games because you are out with your buddies or watching your favorite show (and actually be doing those things.) Also, be places to meet other women so she is not your SOLE option, but someone you choose. Also keep in mind, summer is slow. You put someone in a room with a member of the opposite sex who is attractive to them for hours on end during the day all summer and attraction is sure to start.

 

Also, if she skips studying or homework for playing games with you, or is just too darn available all the time - her life lacks balance. It may be attractive in the beginning for her to be so available, but as things go on, that can get a little clingy if the person is available 24/7. ANd heavy gaming comes with its own caveats.

 

I would not confess feelings. I would not ask for a date. I would dial back and see if there is still something there once the fall semester starts in full swings and her friends come back to campus. Will she cease being your coworker after summer semester?

 

If after the fall semester is really in swing and as time goes on, you will get to know more about her or see if you were just a summer thing. And see if she starts being unavailable sometimes because of studying, etc. If she is still freely available and ditches studying for you - its a bad sign. If everything is in balance, she starts going to bed earlier to get up for class and her priorities are class, etc, then that's better.

 

yes, even if she is "mature", i would proceed with caution, esp if you are in a position of power compared to her. ANd as long as she works with you, she is off limits

[junebug123]

 

I told her honestly that I had started to like her over the past several weeks, but made sure to tell her that it was still new enough to be aborted and remain friends instead if that's what she'd prefer. Told her that I didn't want to make things awkward since we work together, and that normally I'd have just asked her out already if work wasn't a factor.

 

Turns out, she felt the same way I did.

 

No, i think you wanted to be more than friends and she was fine with just being friends. If she had felt differently she would have told you or at least you might have had a chance if you made a move earlier but seems like your friend zoned yourself. Either way, i think its for the best i had a similar experience and i didn't work out, at least you can avoid the drama that comes after hooking up and having to deal with someone for eight hours a day.

[Ginger1]

Hey Chewy, wanted to chime in here. Yeah, yall definitely have a connection. I had a similar situation that I'll share. I was a grad student and the fellow who worked there full time had a VERY similar attraction. I love this guy, I still do and I'm pretty sure he was in love with me...might still be. BUT he was 20yrs older than me and he worked at the university and I was a student... So it never went anywhere and the subject was never broached.

However, depending on your age difference and considering she is just a student part time/intern. i don't think its that out of the realm of possibilities to talk about it with her. And yes, she DOES like u or she wouldnt be hanging out with you.

 

Now on the terms of dating co-workers. Kind o the story of my life and the struggle of my life! LOL. I'm 25 and work 6 or 7 days a week usually 13 hours a day. It really doesn't leave me any time to meet guys outside of work. And I work in construction so its ALL guys! I get hit on and asked out frequently. Most of the time I shrug it off because I can't be interested or I'm not interested. However, occasionally I will come accross a guy I do like and it's terrible because I want to go out with him, but then the other half of me is saying NO, you have to be professional.

But in the end, you have to live YOUR life and sometimes take "chances". Just to back you up, this guy I'm working with has been trying to get me to go out with him for weeks. He's got a crush on me I know it. Today I finally said ok and I'm happy about it I have to sometime just say F it and not care what other say or think

[Natasha24]

While I understand some of your replies and "people appear in your life by chance" etc ... This has bad idea written all over it.

 

She's younger.

She's a student at the school where you work.

She's a new hire.

She's under your command/training.

 

This is a recipe for disaster. Are you willing to lose your job for this?

[chewy21]

No, i think you wanted to be more than friends and she was fine with just being friends. If she had felt differently she would have told you or at least you might have had a chance if you made a move earlier but seems like your friend zoned yourself. Either way, i think its for the best i had a similar experience and i didn't work out, at least you can avoid the drama that comes after hooking up and having to deal with someone for eight hours a day.

 

Happy to report that this isn't the case at all. She does feel the same way I do. She wrote me a really sweet poem the other day and when I didn't respond right away (I wasn't near my phone for about 30 minutes) she got worried she had freaked me out. I assured her when I responded that she didn't, and offhandedly called her "sweetie" in the text. I caught it right afterward and apologized if I had made her feel uncomfortable. She said that she didn't mind, and actually called me "babe" in her next text. So things are going well, and I'm not friend-zoned at all, thankfully.

[chewy21]

I appreciate the similarities between our stories. And yeah, I understand why people will say that it's a bad idea in general to date someone you work with. But I think we're going about this the right way. We both discussed it, we're not telling anyone at work until we're comfortable, we stay professional during office hours and spend time together when we're not at work. School and work come first, always. If we didn't agree to these terms, it'd be a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Thanks Ginger, and good luck with your crush!

[chewy21]

While I understand some of your replies and "people appear in your life by chance" etc ... This has bad idea written all over it.

 

1. She's younger.

2. She's a student at the school where you work.

3. She's a new hire.

4. She's under your command/training.

 

This is a recipe for disaster. Are you willing to lose your job for this?

 

I added the numbering to make responding easier.

 

1. Yes, she is nine years younger than I am. However, even with that age gap, we have a ton in common. And when I talk to her, I don't feel older than her, and she doesn't seem younger than me. It just never really enters into it, if that makes sense. We're just us.

 

2. This really doesn't matter. There are lots of people in this town who are students: my age, younger, and older. The university doesn't have any policy about faculty and/or staff dating students. I suppose they assume the parties involved are all adults and can make their own decisions.

 

3. Again, I don't see the issue. It was almost a month after she was hired before we started talking and hanging out (she initiated our first contact outside of work, by the way), and it's been about a month since then. And nobody at work knows we're dating because of the ground rules we agreed upon. So I really don't see how her being a new hire rather than an old one has anything to do with us.

 

4. Somewhat fair to say, and somewhat not. Yes, I help train her, but I'm not her boss in any way. I don't tell her when to do what, when to take breaks or lunch, she doesn't have to ask me for time off or anything like that. That's something that was stressed when I was hired: I'm not in charge of the student workers. Me, the other full-timers, and the students all answer to the same manager, without any steps in between. Also, the more experienced student workers are training her as much as I am. Training here is not a strict assignment, it's more of a watch-and-learn-then-do-and-learn approach. So I don't have any managerial power over her at work.

 

No, I'm not willing to lose my job over this. And I won't, regardless of what happens. I made sure of that before I ever started pursuing anything with Toni.

 

But thank you for the caution, I do appreciate it.

[JGintheOC]

It's one thing to be a coworker, although I'm not above reproach...the fact that she's younger AND a student there is like danger written all over it.

 

But who am I to talk. I do things on WHIMS

[GreenDragon35]

It's one thing to be a coworker, although I'm not above reproach...the fact that she's younger AND a student there is like danger written all over it.

 

There is nothing dangerous about it. I had a realtionship like that that lasted for almost eight years. My ex was my coworker, I had student status at the beginning of the realtionship and he was 12 years older. This works if you are in love and very similar in character. This constellation is also not uncommon at universities, and I think is is fully ok when both are single and in love. It becomes only dangerous when married professors start having affairs with younger students. That's the only no go.