pfbsurf Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Well, 6 weeks since breakup - she texted weekly at first, i would respond with short msgs but asked her to stop (called her) 3 weeks ago... then, Sunday night, after 21 days, she texted a picture and "hi"... She was, i'm sure, lonely and missed me/what we had. (only 10 months, i fell hard, she lied/cheated, i left) Anyway, breadcrumbs from her of course, but they had an effect on me -I have had a very hard time with all of this, extremely depressed wk 1-2, slow improvement since then. But every night had been thinking about her and wondering why she lied, visualized her and the other guy etc etc. I was a mess. I missed her, I rationalized, I beat myself up and have lost any interest or hope in meeting anyone else. Anger, depression etc. The typical stages... Until this morning. I woke up and was very sad - but not depressed. Just. Sad. It was like i was seeing the big picture - the fun we had and the pain i had, the mistakes we both made, the reality that it was just not meant to be and the unique connection we had. I have been angry at her lately, for lying to me of course. but i didn't feel that either. Just pure sadness - not tied to anything but the idea that this is how life goes some times. Most of the time. I think that I had skipped the acceptance in the sequence, and this sadness is just the reality of the end of the relationship. It is hard to explain, but it feels like some sort of closure. I haven't responded to her text from the other night, and I think that in a crazy way, her reaching out - showing that she was still thinking of me - changed the way I was dealing with it all... So in a strange way, if this is the beginning of my moving on, it starts with a very negative emotion... The idea that I would wake up one day and be "happy" and know that I've moved on may be the wrong way to think about getting past your ex... Can anyone relate to this? Link to comment
freewill1234 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I can relate all to well to your situation. It's been almost 2 years of NC on my part (a few bread crumbs here and there on her part) and I'm pretty much over it. It takes time and strength. Stay the course of NC and day by day, week by week, you will find yourself feeling much better. You'll still go through stages of loneliness, anger, sadness, etc...but you'll stop feeling like this less and less as time goes by. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I can relate all to well to your situation. It's been almost 2 years of NC on my part (a few bread crumbs here and there on her part) and I'm pretty much over it. It takes time and strength. Stay the course of NC and day by day, week by week, you will find yourself feeling much better. You'll still go through stages of loneliness, anger, sadness, etc...but you'll stop feeling like this less and less as time goes by. Sorry to get off topic, but who was the dumper ? Interested in what a man goes through emotionally after a break up he initiated or the way around .. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I actually think 6-8 weeks is the turning point for many in NC....and by 10-12 weeks, even more clarity is found....and the sadness is just a remnant and you can actually begin to "restart" your life looking forward instead of back. Good work! Link to comment
hurtinheart Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I'm in the dreaded 9 week area. Krazy is as krazy does. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 Sorry to get off topic, but who was the dumper ? Interested in what a man goes through emotionally after a break up he initiated or the way around .. I was the dumper. The relationship was going along pretty well, - lots of fun when we got together, which was generally only 1-2 days a week. She was/is very social and very attractive, 44 never been married. (I'm divorced, 3 kids, have dated a lot) Anyway, she started texting a guy 15 years younger (yes, i snooped. not proud of it but at least i found out) and most likely hooked up - at the very least she allowed him to keep sending selfies and then lied to me about even knowing him. I never told her I knew or saw the texts. Just called her up, said it wasn't workign bc i couldnt trust her, and that was that. It was very hard, bc I wanted to trust her, and we liked each other alot. Love? Not sure... We are very different. So. as far as what i've gone through I can say I feel pretty good about having the courage to let her go. I could have easily played it cool, and had a summer full of great s*x. But turns out thats not me, as much as i love great s*x BUT otoh, I feel terrible about the rest of it. MIss her daily, feel like an idiot for trusting her, feel a bit of a failure that i couldn't keep her interest at 100%. So as far as dumper/dumpee, not sure it matters much at this point. It comes down to why the relationship ended, and in this case, it is due to her not having the self control/decency to tell the truth or say no to some 30 y/o alpha male, and my tripping up somewhere along the way to allow her to get to that point.. Does that help? Now you can tell me why a woman would lie to a guy that she actually likes and thought she may have a future with? Just about the attention/infatuation? I'm a decent looking guy but will be the first to admit I could not compete with the guy who was texting her. Bit of an ego blow... Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Thanks for your reply, I can relate, my ex was busy with someone else while we were still together, unfortunately I only thought about that once he dumped me in a very cruel manner. I don't have evidence there's someone else, but you feel that ... Like you got suspicious ... A lot of woman like the attention and can't live without it. They jump from guys to guys, but they do need someone to give that attention to her, my ex met someone like that, she said she would break it off because she was seeing someone else then too and wanted to leave him for my ex she said (which was never her intention anyways) but it seems they feed off attention. That's all I can tell you, if it was genuine love why would she have done that ? Attention I think ... Link to comment
freewill1234 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Sorry to get off topic, but who was the dumper ? Interested in what a man goes through emotionally after a break up he initiated or the way around .. She was the dumper. It was after I went NC that I found out their were other men (yes, plural) that she was involved with. Link to comment
autumnsun Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Sending lots of positive thoughts your way. The daily realizations - and the back and forth between these so-called stages - are rough. You can feel so good one day and then like utter crap the next. It's a confusing place to be in, isn't it? I'm a few weeks ahead of you and while I felt good the last two weeks or so, today has been very emotional. Why? No idea. I think that the longer we all exist in these new realities of ours, we have to expect that there will be bumps and hiccups and we shouldn't anticipate feeling a certain way in any sort of time frame. Just be gentle with yourself and take each day at a time. It sounds like you're processing everything in a very healthy way so far (minus the drinking! - but I'm glad to see you're still actively trying to get that under control) and you'll only get better the more time that passes. You're going to be just fine. We all will. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 She was the dumper. It was after I went NC that I found out their were other men (yes, plural) that she was involved with. Jesus, what is up with people having to cheat ??? It's the first time I am going through this, I can't understand it ... People are disgusting ... Link to comment
janut1 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 pfbsurf I am NC for 7 weeks now and feel much better. Of course still sad like you at times. Now I forget about him some times during the day and then think Oh Yea! I remember when he was here and then miss his company and the text, etc. I thought he broke up with me, but when telling the story to my therapist, she said that I am the dumper. It was a weird ending and not really clear. I did have a dream about him last night, we were arguing over who dumped who and then I kept trying to tell him I love him, but never did. LOL! I rarely dream of him any longer. I think this timeframe is about right for me here: I actually think 6-8 weeks is the turning point for many in NC....and by 10-12 weeks, even more clarity is found....and the sadness is just a remnant and you can actually begin to "restart" your life looking forward instead of back. Sounds like you are healing! Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 thanks! Yes - day 10 no booze. Couple of triggered urges but its actually been pretty easy. so far. I think her texting me again Sunday just kicked my emotions into a different gear. Like I said, there is a part of me that feels good about her "missing" me - which I can guarantee she does. I brought very little drama into her life - she used to say that time with me was "like going on vacation"... But "new reality" is a good term. That is sort of how I see my life and it isn't easy. Illusion can be very healthy in the moment. Reality. Not so much. Anyway, thanks for the support.. its much appreciated Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 pfbsurf I am NC for 7 weeks now and feel much better. Of course still sad like you at times. Now I forget about him some times during the day and then think Oh Yea! I remember when he was here and then miss his company and the text, etc. I thought he broke up with me, but when telling the story to my therapist, she said that I am the dumper. It was a weird ending and not really clear. I did have a dream about him last night, we were arguing over who dumped who and then I kept trying to tell him I love him, but never did. LOL! I rarely dream of him any longer. I think this timeframe is about right for me here: Sounds like you are healing! That is funny. The one conversation I had with her after the b/u i had to remind her that I was the one that dumped her. She mentioned that she "wasn't sure if it was the right thing (to break up) and that maybe i was "her guy" after all". In her mind, she broke up with me i think - and that probably was how she rationalized the cheating.. who knows... And I have dreams about her, but they are fuzzy. The point of my original post is that i am sad that i am actually moving on from her, that her memory is fading. The memories are 98% good, 2% Bad. I've been so focused on the 2% lately, but that doesn't change the fun we had. I almost wish we stayed together longer for me to accumulate more headaches and fights My 10 year marriage breaking up was easier in many ways because of this. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 Jesus, what is up with people having to cheat ??? It's the first time I am going through this, I can't understand it ... People are disgusting ... I can understand the psychology of cheating. The thrill of attention and secrecy, the rationalizatioin of "deserving" some fun and excitement, YOLO etc. In her case, I know she felt "bad" - she cried a couple of times "for no reason" toward the end of the r while we were together. But honestly, lying and cheating are part of her nature, and i think, for her, it is simply a lack of self control and a constant need for attention from men. As much as she liked me, she didn't like me enough to tell me the truth. She was weak. Link to comment
autumnsun Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 thanks! Yes - day 10 no booze. Couple of triggered urges but its actually been pretty easy. so far. I think her texting me again Sunday just kicked my emotions into a different gear. Like I said, there is a part of me that feels good about her "missing" me - which I can guarantee she does. I brought very little drama into her life - she used to say that time with me was "like going on vacation"... But "new reality" is a good term. That is sort of how I see my life and it isn't easy. Illusion can be very healthy in the moment. Reality. Not so much. Anyway, thanks for the support.. its much appreciated 10 days? That's great! Of course you'll have some slip ups, but you're doing really well so far. Don't let something like this dominate an otherwise great life. Plus, it must feel great to fight those urges? A sense of accomplishment in any little thing this early on in a break up is a good thing, so keep that up! Contact of any kind will definitely play with your emotions, even if you aren't initiating and/or responding. I have some text messages saved that my ex sent me ages ago and sometimes when I accidentally flip to them when deleting other things, seeing his name on my screen feels like it can literally stop my heart. So, I totally understand the sudden shift, and subsequent lingering emotions, Sunday must have presented for you. I think we all can only focus on this "new reality", ya know? What else do we have? Sooner or later we are bound to become more comfortable in these empty, lonely spaces (full of growth and other positivity too, though!). The longer we sit with ourselves and the truth of the situation, we're really just allowing our minds and hearts the time to adjust and thus heal. It will never be an easy transition, but unfortunately, it is the only hand any of us has to play right now. I allow myself a little hope to get through the really dark moments, but always try to keep myself with one foot fully grounded in this new reality. Not a problem! This forum has been super helpful for me, even just in my reading and replying. I'm trying to pay it forward! Feel free to PM me if ya ever need to vent. I know I have those urges often. Link to comment
pfbsurf Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 thanks. My only addiction now is this silly website Seriously, i have had mildly addictive ways of handling stress - beer and a girlfriend over the last year or so - that really became the framework of my day/week. Work/kids on one hand, a bit stressful and definite adult responsibilities, were balanced by long happy hours and late nights and/or dinner/date/s*x... In both cases I was avoiding the truth, beer was just a poor stress coping mechanism, and Steph was in her way as well. I certainly was happy when we were together, but when we werent, i was a bit of a mess. More beer please... And now, i have neither really. So here I am, dumping my thoughts out on the internet and trying to figure stuff out. It should feel better, but most of the time it doesn't. I'm trusting that it will at some point. This forum is great. But i do hope I"m not on it in a month... But thanks for the encouragement. I get the 4:30 urge every day but just went and got a smoothie instead. Urge gone. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Good job! You just gotta take it one day at a time. Link to comment
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