Boyfriend weirdly jealous about EVERYTHING?

[breakherlegs]

Hi, I just joined so I hope this is the correct place to post this.

 

I'll give a bit of back-story for relevancy. So, me and my boyfriend have been together around 4 years, and we've been living together for about three and a half of those (fast, I know).

Anyway, about seven months ago, he cheated on me for the third time, so we broke it off.

Almost a month back, I caved in and decided to take him back. He had always been honest straight away when it happened, and it only happened when he was very drunk. I know he never made sober plans to do that, but I told him if we got back together, it would be on one condition - that he stopped drinking. Before this third time, I've asked him to just moderate his drinking, then not to drink when I'm not around when that failed, however, he's the kind of guy who, once he starts, he just can't stop and saying NO full stop seemed the only way I could stop myself from become insecure every time he started drinking. Also, it wasn't just cheating that was a problem with his drinking - he'd become verbally abusive towards me, physically violent (NOT towards me) and suicidal.

 

Anyway, so far, so good, he hasn't touched a drink at all.

 

However, he's been like, ridiculously insecure. We haven't been very physical yet since we decided to get back together, I am still a bit reserved, and when I say 'yes, we'll give it another shot' I did tell him that he had to decide if he could be patient about that, because it may take me a little bit to get comfortable again. I'm aware that his insecurities probably have something to do with this, but I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to force myself, or it might kill all progress in rebuilding and send us back to square one, you know?

 

He's been jealous about EVERYTHING. Not just understandable things, like me hanging out with male friends (which I haven't done when he hasn't been present, for his security and all that). He gets jealous of me and my girlfriend watching a movie together, in the house! He gets jealous if I play videogames for more than a few hours, or if I go see my sister & mother, or when I socialize with any friend or housemate for too long. He has to read EVERY one of my Facebook messages, even before I have. If I don't tell him about some conversation I had earlier in the day, and then mention in it passing, he gets all weird like 'why didn't you tell me about that?' when it is of no importance, and has nothing to do with him, and I honestly didn't feel needed to be mentioned.

 

Last night, he even got jealous of my cat! My cat came up onto the bed where we were watching a movie and curled up between my legs and I said something like 'Oh, look who's come to gets some cuddles!' and he says 'Wow. Chichi (my cat) gets more affection than me'. Now, I thought he was joking (because that's a pretty absurd thing to say) and said 'Yes, Chichi is my boyfriend' - clearly a joke! And he got SO upset! He wasn't joking at all! He was actually jealous of my cat!

 

And he knows how important my cats are to me, that I see them like children almost. He has the same philosophy with his dogs, after all (which I don't recall ever bothering me D: ), and since neither of us want human children our furbabies fill that gap for us. So it makes NO sense to me why, all of a sudden, he'd be so insecure about my cat curling up with me. Never before have I seen him react like that to my babies - he knows how much I love them.

 

... I say it makes no sense, but I'm assuming it's because I haven't exactly been ALL over him, but I don't know what to do about it! It might sound kind of petty, but it's just constant and I don't feel I can do ANYTHING without him badgering me about it, all insecure like.

 

I've tried to involve him more, all 'hey, this game is two-player', 'do you wanna take the dogs for a walk?', 'wanna watch this film with me? Do you wanna pick a movie?' and he turns me down most of the time. So I'm like 'what do you wanna do then?' and he's like 'just be together'. And so I start conversing with him, and he gets bored of the chat and tells me it's too much to think about, that it's too much to take in or something (regardless of what the conversation is, could be about any topic at all). So I'm like 'do you mean be together physically?', because I'm running out of ideas here, and he's like 'NO! I don't mean that! Stop thinking that's what I'm all about!'

 

I really don't know what to do???

 

I would love for this to work, but man, I feel like he's pushing me further away every time he behaves like this. >.

[bulletproof]

There's nothing you can do. You can't change or control someone. He sounds like he needs help. Did he get any support when he quit drinking?

 

I think that with the cheating, abuse, drinking, etc., you would have to stay away from him for a very long time in order for him to get his act together.

 

I also think that you should look into counseling yourself to find out why you felt it was okay for a guy to treat you this way.

[Snny]

He's been jealous about EVERYTHING. Not just understandable things, like me hanging out with male friends... He gets jealous of me and my girlfriend watching a movie together, in the house! He gets jealous if I play videogames for more than a few hours, or if I go see my sister & mother, or when I socialize with any friend or housemate for too long. He has to read EVERY one of my Facebook messages, even before I have. If I don't tell him about some conversation I had earlier in the day, and then mention in it passing, he gets all weird like 'why didn't you tell me about that?' when it is of no importance, and has nothing to do with him, and I honestly didn't feel needed to be mentioned.

 

Last night, he even got jealous of my cat!

This is the behavior of a classic cheater. They project their insecurities onto their partners out of guilt of cheating. It doesn't go away.

 

You were a fool to bring him back into you life. He cheated on you three times, is a very deceitful person and an alcoholic. You don't need someone like this in your life. Have some high standards for yourself and drop this dude.

[ParisPaulette]

So he gets violent, has a temper, a drinking problem and is now controlling and jealous of you in contact with any other person out there? Read this then ask yourself why you want to give him a chance to hurt or do worse to you on the day he drinks again and/or loses his temper and can't control his fists. link removed

 

And that'll usually happen after he's driven you away from anyone who could help you including your friends, family, work and so forth. If you want to sign up for an abusive relationship then understand this is what you're already in. He's just a time bomb waiting to go off if he isn't in therapy right this very second and from now until the end of time.

 

You need to listen to your gut and instincts, which are telling you to run before he hurts you because yes that day is coming. I predict you'll be back on here soon enough with something that reads, "My boyfrend is threatening to kill me if I leave him and he's hit me, I don't know what to do...." Why would you wait for that day to come? Why not just get out now and never look back before things escalate, because yes they will. They already have. He's just in the phase of acting nice now to get you back under his control until the need to hurt you outweighs his promises and he does it again. And again and again until the day you can't or don't get up and leave him in a body bag.

 

And I'm sorry I'm not sugarcoating this for you, but I worked in a women's shelter for years and volunteered on abuse hotlines. your story is as old as time and this is not the exception to the rule-- there never is when they're abusive and that weird jealousy isn't jealousy at all. It's him trying to get you to cut everyone out of your life so you have nowhere left to run when he really lays into you.

[breakherlegs]

But he has stopped drinking, even when he's been at social events and people have offered him booze. I know he wants this to work too.

 

And yes, he's been physically violent when he drinks, but NOT towards me or any other female. I had a look at that web page, Paris, and he's certainly never threatened me or the pets with violence against us. He did use to threaten suicide when I wanted to leave in the past, but that's why I've been encouraging him to seek counselling.

 

And in many ways, he's very good to me. He earns more than me, and he always gets me special things when I have a bad day. And we have heaps in common, and he knows all the details about me. It's been such a long time, it's not so easy to just break away from someone you've built a life with. We have a house and pets together. D:

 

And when he isn't drinking, he's a completely different person. Gentle, quiet, kind to every person/animal and is completely non-violent. I figure if the drinking stops, and he seeks out that counselling, then there won't be so many problems. Like I said, the cheating/violence/suicidal pretty much only happens when he's drinking.

 

Now it's just this jealousy thing, but I think that's because I'm not being physical with him. I think he isn't sure if I still love him. And he seems to need physical affirmation of that. I was more wondering how I can reassure him so he stops being so insecure, and/or how to speed up the process of me getting comfortable physically with him again.

 

Thank you, guys, but I really don't think it's as extreme as you think it is.

[Unreasonable]

All I gotta say is I'm sorry. My wife acts the exact same way, and she doesn't even drink! Jealous of anything that is not her. It comes and goes at least thank god.

[bulletproof]

Now it's just this jealousy thing, but I think that's because I'm not being physical with him. I think he isn't sure if I still love him. And he seems to need physical affirmation of that. I was more wondering how I can reassure him so he stops being so insecure, and/or how to speed up the process of me getting comfortable physically with him again.

 

You can't reassure someone enough to change him. It doesn't work that way. And someone who needs physical affirmation has a very big problem, in my opinion. He needs to feel secure on his own. And that takes a long time to build.

 

I also think the attribute of "he earns more than me" is completely irrelevant. You've put up with an awful lot of stuff over the years, and the fact that he earns more than you and gets you special things is probably not a good enough reason to stay with someone. It's the first thing you mentioned in terms of his positive traits. I think that's very sad.

[breakherlegs]

Oh, I could go on and on about his positive traits, that was far from the first thing that came to my mind, I just thought it would get awful sappy up in here. >.

 

I often mention that first because other people seem to think finances are very important, less important than the fact he took me to see a Poe opera or that he calls me kitten or that we both sing 'set it on fire' for no apparent reason at the same time. I was just trying to state the things other people care about.

 

I mean, he's also very supportive of my studies and even though he gets jealous when I spend time with my family and friends, he actually works really hard to repair bonds when they get damaged. So I'm not sure he's trying to drive everyone away so I'll have no one to run to - that wouldn't make sense. Why else would he convince a shopkeeper to 'loan' him a gift I wanted to get for my mother when I was broke (and asleep, with no knowledge this was happening?) I could go on with examples like that.

 

I feel everybody always wants to assume the worst. And yes, his drinking is a problem, but he has stopped. He's shown great willpower there. Yes, cheating on me was pretty horrible, but that wouldn't of happened if he wasn't so drunk; I truly believe this.

 

Sure, I wish he'd take the fact I've forgiven him for the cheating as I sign I loved him, rather than needing me to be physical, but everybody expresses love differently, right? I wasn't asking whether or not I should be with the guy, I thought about it for a long time, and for better or worse, I've made a decision. I hope I am right, and this is not the early stages of an abusive relationship, but in the sober, gentle, romantic version I don't see anything even remotely abusive, other than the jealousy and outbursts of his depression.

 

I hope he'll seek therapy, and I hope he'll stay sober. If he doesn't, that will be a deal-breaker. But right now, I'm holding faith and would like advice on how to make it work. That's all. ^.^

[SooSad33]

"Anyway, about seven months ago, he cheated on me for the third time, so we broke it off.

Almost a month back, I caved in and decided to take him back. He had always been honest straight away when it happened, and it only happened when he was very drunk."

- Constant Red Flags here.

He's cheated 3 times... but ONLY when drunk. BUT, he's always been 'honest' when it happens? (he's a cheater).

Plus his extreme jealousy. Another bad thing.

 

YOU are letting him walk all over you. I have SEEN many guys drunk and they know very much, who they're with.

 

"He's been jealous about EVERYTHING. Not just understandable things, like me hanging out with male friends (which I haven't done when he hasn't been present, for his security and all that). He gets jealous of me and my girlfriend watching a movie together, in the house! He gets jealous if I play videogames for more than a few hours, or if I go see my sister & mother, or when I socialize with any friend or housemate for too long."

- He has issues! He is controlling.

 

"He has to read EVERY one of my Facebook messages, even before I have. If I don't tell him about some conversation I had earlier in the day, and then mention in it passing, he gets all weird like 'why didn't you tell me about that?' when it is of no importance, and has nothing to do with him, and I honestly didn't feel needed to be mentioned. "

- Again.. under HIS control.

WHY is he reading YOUR FB stuff anyways?

NO respect

NO trust

Cheating.

 

Get OUT.

[Longview01]

Classic case of projection

 

He thinks you are going to do to him what he had no problem doing to you 3 times.

 

BTW 3 times? Are you kidding me? You should of got rid of him after the first time.

[bulletproof]

I think you are in a lot of denial. He has been sober for one month, and that issue was immediately replaced with irrational jealousy and controlling behaviors.

 

I truly feel he needs more help than you can ever give him, and it's really not your place to give it to him, anyway.

 

Keep in mind also that there are many people who have drinking problems but those people don't necessarily cheat. He chose to do that, drunk or not. I think you are having some trouble accepting that.

[nutbrownhare]

There are so many red flags here that it looks like a row of bunting!

 

He has real issues around alcohol - whether he's actively drinking or not. If he ceased his drinking to please you, and for the sake of the relationship, YOU will be the reason he takes it up again, with all the predictable behaviour. One month's sobriety is nothing in the general scheme of things; the fact that he can't just take one or two drinks and then stop is a major warning sign.

 

The ridiculous, intrusive behaviour, and jealousy, too... even without the drinking, most of the posters on here would be telling you to run. This sort of thing doesn't get better. It isn't understandable that he doesn't want you to hang out with male friends - it's controlling. He's trying to isolate you from everything and everyone who would be a threat to his monopoly over you, hence the jealousy over seeing your friends and family.

 

And you waited until the third time he cheated before splitting up with him?

 

Get this loser out of your life as soon as you possibly can!

[Ms Darcy]

You were a fool to bring him back into you life. He cheated on you three times, is a very deceitful person and an alcoholic. You don't need someone like this in your life. Have some high standards for yourself and drop this dude.

 

AMEN! I really don't know of a nice way to say this ... but this is the truth.

[Ms Darcy]

This is one of the sickest, most co-dependent posts I have ever seen.

 

I think you need to go to al-anon for family groups.

[ParisPaulette]

I feel everybody always wants to assume the worst.

 

We can only give you advice based on what you tell us. I'm finding it really ridiculous that you logged onto here posting all the bad things about him then when you get advice based on the bad things that you posted about him you get upset. I gave the advice I gave, because you told me he was violent, that he had an alcohol problem, that he has cheated on you not once, not twice, but three times, that you are now so uneasy with him that you won't even have sex with him and that he displays signs of being over-controlling and unnaturally jealous in a manner consistent with every single case of abuse I witnessed in 16 years at a women's clinic helping people escape abusive relationships.

 

You want to make it work? Then either learn to put up with his behaviors or go to therapy with him and the two of you work everything out. There's no way you can act or anything you can say that will suddenly erase all of his bad behaviors, he has to be the one to want to do that, not you. All you can do is accept the person in front of you, try to get them and you to change through counseling and therapy in a way that is healthy for both of you, or walk away. It's the same choice we all given regardless of the trouble in our relationships.

 

My original advice stills stands however and I wish you would be asking yourself why you are complaining about some very legit things then getting mad at others and suddenly doing a 180 defending him. Are you trying to convince us or yourself?

 

And all that aside I really do hope you'll find peace and happiness one way or another. I truly believe everyone deserves that regardless of the circumstances.

[Snny]

He did use to threaten suicide when I wanted to leave in the past, but that's why I've been encouraging him to seek counselling.

There's a reason why he is doing this: to keep you from leaving him. Plain and simple. He knows that you will stay and tolerate his behavior through threats and jealousy. The next time he does this, tell him that you will be contacting police to assist him. That will put a HUGE end to him saying stuff like this.

 

He is controlling and he has shown you ZERO change. Three strikes and you're out... And he has exceeded that. He is not learning from his mistakes because you keep taking him back.

 

Seriously let him go.

[hellokhaleesi]

I think you need to stop making excuses for this guy and realize that he's no good. Nothing he can say or do should be able to make up for him cheating multiple times and acting crazy like this. I've never heard of someone acting so horribly and someone staying with them!!