Looking for Friendly Advice!

[Nate92]

Hello everyone.

 

I've been reading posts from this site, and for the most part everyone seems very helpful, so I thought I would make a thread of my own! I'm looking for some insight and advice into my 'relationship'.

 

I won't bother everyone with a long history, since the now is more important. In college I dated this woman for a year and a half. We were so happy together that we both thought for sure we would get married one day, and we both meant it. Then, she broke up with me. It was very sudden, and she couldn't give me a reason as to why. Her main reason as that the 'spark' had died in our relationship. Long story short, I tried to reason with her for a week or so, and she wouldn't budge. Then I stopped all contact with her, and after a few weeks she wanted me back. At that point, I was already moving on.

 

This past year was a half-dating limbo. I didn't take her back because truthfully, I held resentment towards her for breaking up with me for no reason. We did essentially date though without actually dating. BAD IDEA.

 

Towards the end of this year things got very messy, especially since college was coming to an end. I didn't treat as well as I could and neither did she for the last few months. Also a note worth mentioning: she was upset of friends that I had that were girls, and one of the girls got very close to me as her and I furthered apart. At the end of the year, she found another man. She knew him for a month and then started dating him. They've been together about five weeks now. It was quite the shock for me, and a shock I needed actually. I realized how we were taking each other for granted and how much I love her. Regretfully, I pleaded for her to come back for a few weeks, and she declined. She tells me that we had the same problems before we broke up the first time, and that she is happy seeing where things go with this man. I'm head over heels for her though, and always have been. It's just unfortunate that the message got lost in translation; also, my telling her so immediately probably appeared desperate despite being that it is the truth. I will do anything for this woman. She is who I want to be with and spend the rest of my life with. I won't move on. However, now we are graduates and don't know where we will be a year from now.

 

Moving on... Reasons why I'm questioning her new relationship.

 

(1) She knew him for one month before she started dating him.

(2) He lives about two hours away from her.

(3) He is two years younger than him. He is going to be a senior in college next year. That doesn't seem a good foundation to start a relationship.

(4) TWICE while they were getting closer to dating and I was trying to reason with her, she said she would consider getting back together with me. She refused, however still, who would even consider that if they were infatuated with a new person? I know I would not.

 

So... here is where I stand... I love this girl. She is now with this new man. I have tried to convince her to see the light and she hasn't. She is happy with this man of five weeks, even though they are obviously still in the 'honeymoon stage'. The (5) reason I question her new relationship though, is she wants to be "best friends" and still texts me occasionally! That seems very sketchy to me since she has supposedly 'moved on'. I should mention though, she generally is a very genuine, sensitive woman. This isn't me talking whilst looking through rose-colored glasses either. So that makes it hard to say what is going one exactly.

 

This all begs the question... What do I do from here!? I started stopping all contact two days ago, and I'm going to try to keep it up. I guess that it is the best course of action I can take. Then what though!? Should I cease contact until her new relationship ends? Should I start contacting her lightly after a month? Should I meet up with her after a certain amount of time? Any insight would be much appreciated! Thanks!

[SpottiOtti]

Hi, welcome to ENA!

 

I noticed that you mentioned this but didn't follow up with it:

 

Also a note worth mentioning: she was upset of friends that I had that were girls, and one of the girls got very close to me as her and I furthered apart.

 

Did you date the girl? Did your GF know that another girl was spending time with and getting "very close" to her boyfriend while you two were still dating?

 

I've been in a situation like this one. It took us eight months to break up - we kept getting back together, and then fighting and breaking up, and then seeing other people, but still talking and texting, then we always got sucked back in. I can't even tell you the number of times we said, "Okay, this is it, we're gonna do whatever it takes to make this work," and then two days later we'd be at it again. Did we love each other? Hell yes. Did either of us have the patience or maturity or selflessness it takes to make a relationship work for a long time? Nope. Were we a good fit, besides loving the hell out of each other? Nope. From reading your post, I get the feeling the same ideas apply here, to you and your ex.

 

The best thing you can do is stay single for awhile, and ask yourself honestly what you did that contributed to this not working out, and learn from it. Ask yourself what incompatibilities were there that led to the breakup, and figure out what kind of girl you'll be compatible with in the long run. Then, when someone else comes along, you'll be ready, and in a healthy place to start a lasting relationship. And maybe you'll heal and realize you have no desire to be in a relationship for awhile, maybe you want to play the field and date casually and have fun, and that's okay too!

 

The important thing is distance. You won't gain any perspective on this unless you can achieve distance from it. So that means strict NC for at least a few months.

[nutbrownhare]

You hit the nail on the head when you said

However, now we are graduates and don't know where we will be a year from now.

 

Unless you're going back into academia, it's a huge leap from being an undergraduate to starting a career - and that's where your energy needs to be focused right now. Many people want to consolidate the relationship that they had in college, because that's something which is familiar and grounding, and where it's a relationship with very good foundations this is probably a good idea.

 

However, yours was not. She had broken up with you once already, and until she started seeing this other guy you don't sound that interested or committed to her, and it doesn't sound as though she treated you that well either.

 

She's seeing someone else, has consistently resisted all your efforts to make her 'see the light', and that's all you need to know. Many people want to be 'best friends' because they feel guilty about hurting the other person, or just want to keep them on the back burner, and going along with this when you're still deeply attached to her will cause you heartache in the longer term. Don't be that guy!

 

You're judging her actions by what YOU'D do, or feel, in her situation, and it's important to remember that she's not you - and clearly reacts differently. Sadly, telling yourself that her new relationship is going nowhere is clutching at straws; though I do appreciate it will be painful to admit to yourself that it's all over between you.

 

Keep up your 'No Contact'; block her on social media and resist any temptation to get in touch. You've many things to think about in life, and you've a very exciting journey ahead of you, potentially. Look forwards rather than backwards, and hopefully there will come a time when you look back on all this and it just seems like a bad dream.

 

Good luck with all this!

[BigKK]

Reasons why I'm questioning her new relationship.

 

(1) She knew him for one month before she started dating him.

(2) He lives about two hours away from her.

(3) He is two years younger than him. He is going to be a senior in college next year. That doesn't seem a good foundation to start a relationship.

(4) TWICE while they were getting closer to dating and I was trying to reason with her, she said she would consider getting back together with me. She refused, however still, who would even consider that if they were infatuated with a new person? I know I would not.

 

I will answer your questions

 

1. I met my girlfriend on our first date, and we're happy together...So yeah, it doesn't matter

2. doesn't matter, it's not convenient but that's for the two of them to deal with

3. sounds like a perfectly fine age-gap to me

4. Key word, "they were getting closer to dating" she gets to play the field, she wasn't committed yet

 

 

What do you do? You move on, she dumped you, wanted you back, you didn't want her back, she moves on, now you want her back. Now she's with someone else. Too late! You blew it, she blew it, start fresh my friend. No contact, NO CONTACT, now this yeah let me sprinkle in some light contact, stir it, bring it to a boil and voila you have a girl interested again. The right way to do it is no contact, don't be her friend, move on and learn from your mistakes. If you do it right, you will have moved on. Let her have her relationship and stop questioning it. If she breaks up, don't go back...it's going to a mess regardless

[SooSad33]

"I realized how we were taking each other for granted and how much I love her. Regretfully, I pleaded for her to come back for a few weeks, and she declined. She tells me that we had the same problems before we broke up the first time, and that she is happy seeing where things go with this man. I'm head over heels for her though, and always have been. It's just unfortunate that the message got lost in translation; also, my telling her so immediately probably appeared desperate despite being that it is the truth"

- At this time, I feel you fail to accept the reality of this failed relationship.

I know you're totally lost, confused, etc and that happen's when this happens.

 

Whatever is going on with her now has nothing to do with you.

 

You say you've tried to get her to see the light? What light? Have you done anything to work on improving what went wrong? Any therapy? Any proper time apart to work on the issues?

 

I say NO to agreeing to be 'friends'. You can NOT be friends with an Ex as you still have 'feelings' for them.

You will NEVER be able to work on healing with any contact or reminders.

 

"Should I cease contact until her new relationship ends? "

- At that point you probably won't want to contact her anymore.

 

"Should I start contacting her lightly after a month?"

- If you've gone a month no contact- keep going.

 

The best way to do this is remain No contact and let her do as she chooses. I know it stings. Been there.

But, really nothing else you can do, sadly.

 

Accept, work on taking care of YOU. Work on accepting & healing from this now. It will take a while and it will be painful but it can be done.

What it takes is time. Time to work on the pains of it all. Time to get over this and time to accept & move on.

 

One day at a time.

[Nate92]

Firstly, thanks for all the responses!

 

Hi, welcome to ENA!

 

I noticed that you mentioned this but didn't follow up with it:

 

Did you date the girl? Did your GF know that another girl was spending time with and getting "very close" to her boyfriend while you two were still dating?

 

I did not date this girl. She was a friend, or so I thought at the time. When I was dating my girlfriend, I didn't know this girl, we only met afterwards while my girlfriend and I were "talking".

 

I've been in a situation like this one. It took us eight months to break up - we kept getting back together, and then fighting and breaking up, and then seeing other people, but still talking and texting, then we always got sucked back in. I can't even tell you the number of times we said, "Okay, this is it, we're gonna do whatever it takes to make this work," and then two days later we'd be at it again. Did we love each other? Hell yes. Did either of us have the patience or maturity or selflessness it takes to make a relationship work for a long time? Nope. Were we a good fit, besides loving the hell out of each other? Nope. From reading your post, I get the feeling the same ideas apply here, to you and your ex.

 

Sure is a tough situation, huh? The strange part is, we did work well together; however, we worked together well for that year and a half, not past that point. Ironically, I believe she thought we worked well together too, but she panicked and ended the relationship from her own insecurities. I gave her everything I had, and I know I was a fantastic boyfriend to her. I think she came back to me after that initial breakup so quickly because she realized that. It's funny... I don't want to blame either of us, but if I had to, I think it's on her. Instead of addressing issues like she wanted to later on, she made a move she regretted. Everything just couldn't go back to the way they were after that, you know?

 

The best thing you can do is stay single for awhile, and ask yourself honestly what you did that contributed to this not working out, and learn from it. Ask yourself what incompatibilities were there that led to the breakup, and figure out what kind of girl you'll be compatible with in the long run. Then, when someone else comes along, you'll be ready, and in a healthy place to start a lasting relationship. And maybe you'll heal and realize you have no desire to be in a relationship for awhile, maybe you want to play the field and date casually and have fun, and that's okay too!

 

The important thing is distance. You won't gain any perspective on this unless you can achieve distance from it. So that means strict NC for at least a few months.

 

I will keep your advice in mind, thank you. I think I'm already starting to see our relationship from more of a neutral perspective. I'm starting to not longer take blame for everything. I don't think I will want to be in a relationship for some time now. I think I need to establish myself right now.

[Nate92]

You hit the nail on the head when you said

 

Unless you're going back into academia, it's a huge leap from being an undergraduate to starting a career - and that's where your energy needs to be focused right now. Many people want to consolidate the relationship that they had in college, because that's something which is familiar and grounding, and where it's a relationship with very good foundations this is probably a good idea.

 

I think this is one of those dilemmas when life gets in the way and it's truly unfortunate. I think deep down I haven't been considering this obstacle in relation to any potential relationship we might or might not have in the future, but I know I need to. I need to get on the right track right now unswayed by anyone.

 

However, yours was not. She had broken up with you once already, and until she started seeing this other guy you don't sound that interested or committed to her, and it doesn't sound as though she treated you that well either.

 

She's seeing someone else, has consistently resisted all your efforts to make her 'see the light', and that's all you need to know. Many people want to be 'best friends' because they feel guilty about hurting the other person, or just want to keep them on the back burner, and going along with this when you're still deeply attached to her will cause you heartache in the longer term. Don't be that guy!

 

Excuse my language but that. I won't let myself be that guy. Sure I begged for her back because I love her, but I refuse to be kept around as a friend or a backup. I know that a lot of girls do that to keep guys around as a security blanket, and that need I will never fulfill. What kind of relationship would that even be if we got back together? No way.

 

You're judging her actions by what YOU'D do, or feel, in her situation, and it's important to remember that she's not you - and clearly reacts differently. Sadly, telling yourself that her new relationship is going nowhere is clutching at straws; though I do appreciate it will be painful to admit to yourself that it's all over between you.

 

You're right. It is clutching at straws. I know chances are that it's a rebound relationship, but rebound relationship or not, she chose to be in it, and that isn't right.

 

Keep up your 'No Contact'; block her on social media and resist any temptation to get in touch. You've many things to think about in life, and you've a very exciting journey ahead of you, potentially. Look forwards rather than backwards, and hopefully there will come a time when you look back on all this and it just seems like a bad dream.

 

Good luck with all this!

 

Thank you!

[Nate92]

I will answer your questions

 

1. I met my girlfriend on our first date, and we're happy together...So yeah, it doesn't matter

2. doesn't matter, it's not convenient but that's for the two of them to deal with

3. sounds like a perfectly fine age-gap to me

4. Key word, "they were getting closer to dating" she gets to play the field, she wasn't committed yet

 

I should have mentioned that I meant those points with the idea that it is a potential rebound relationship in mind. Of course, in a normal situation none of these points don't apply, but that's not the case when her new relationship was immediately after mine, or so I think.

 

What do you do? You move on, she dumped you, wanted you back, you didn't want her back, she moves on, now you want her back. Now she's with someone else. Too late! You blew it, she blew it, start fresh my friend. No contact, NO CONTACT, now this yeah let me sprinkle in some light contact, stir it, bring it to a boil and voila you have a girl interested again. The right way to do it is no contact, don't be her friend, move on and learn from your mistakes. If you do it right, you will have moved on. Let her have her relationship and stop questioning it. If she breaks up, don't go back...it's going to a mess regardless

[Nate92]

"I realized how we were taking each other for granted and how much I love her. Regretfully, I pleaded for her to come back for a few weeks, and she declined. She tells me that we had the same problems before we broke up the first time, and that she is happy seeing where things go with this man. I'm head over heels for her though, and always have been. It's just unfortunate that the message got lost in translation; also, my telling her so immediately probably appeared desperate despite being that it is the truth"

- At this time, I feel you fail to accept the reality of this failed relationship.

I know you're totally lost, confused, etc and that happen's when this happens.

 

I think I fail to accept it too, and I wish there was something I could do about it right now. I'm trying to come to terms.

 

Whatever is going on with her now has nothing to do with you.

 

You say you've tried to get her to see the light? What light? Have you done anything to work on improving what went wrong? Any therapy? Any proper time apart to work on the issues?

 

Yes I have gone to therapy. I'm very serious about it. And nope! No time yet...well I've started giving her time.

 

I say NO to agreeing to be 'friends'. You can NOT be friends with an Ex as you still have 'feelings' for them.

You will NEVER be able to work on healing with any contact or reminders.

 

I think I'm starting to realize this. It's so funny how these small little things that your ex can do can ripple through you and remind you of much larger things you have lost, tearing that metaphorical wound wide open.

 

"Should I cease contact until her new relationship ends? "

- At that point you probably won't want to contact her anymore.

 

"Should I start contacting her lightly after a month?"

- If you've gone a month no contact- keep going.

 

The best way to do this is remain No contact and let her do as she chooses. I know it stings. Been there.

But, really nothing else you can do, sadly.

 

Accept, work on taking care of YOU. Work on accepting & healing from this now. It will take a while and it will be painful but it can be done.

What it takes is time. Time to work on the pains of it all. Time to get over this and time to accept & move on.

 

One day at a time.

[Nate92]

AS FAR AS NO CONTACT AND MOVING ON IS CONCERNED...I thought I would address all four of you at once since you all suggested it. For the past week I have had very limited contact with her, and as you can hopefully tell from my posts, I'm already starting to think more clearly. A couple days ago, I sent her a very honest goodbye note to cease contact. I told her that I think we needed to stop talking and if the time was ever right in the future that she gave me a call. I also wished her and her new relationship the best. I'm going to do my best to move on now. I wonder if she will come back? Who knows. Right now it's still so hard to really put out all hope. I'm trying, but I still find myself fixated on this idea that down the road we will get back together. I don't know what to do about that.

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like a little bit of wanting what you can't have. As soon as competition entered the picture, you realize you love her.

[Nate92]

It sounds like a little bit of wanting what you can't have. As soon as competition entered the picture, you realize you love her.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure. I've thought about it before. I would like to think that isn't the case at all, but who is to say? To me though it at least seems like it was more of a reality check. That and leaving school. When things began to change I really took stock in what was important in my life, and she was at the top of the list. I do know regardless that I love her a lot though.