Continuing Sadness over Man 16 Years Older Than Me

[romantic sweetheart]

Hello. I have known Peter for six years. I met him when I was 23 and he was 39, and although it seemed like an unlikely connection, we became good friends. He always indicated that he felt more for me, but I was felt the age difference was too great to invite romance. I am now 29, and he is 44.

 

My feelings started to change when he moved to the same town I was living in. Before, he was in Colordo, and we mostly communicated through email, and we only saw each other once in a great while.

 

But now that he was near me, we began spending a lot of time together, going to movies, eating out, taking walks, seeing plays, taking a few trips......

 

It was a very chaste, close friendship, filled with mutual understanding and respect, and a quiet affection.

 

Then, in April of this year, Peter kissed me for the first time. It was then that I realised how much I really did love him. Right away, I felt we would be so happy and close, but when I saw him the next day, he was very cold and distant. I was so utterly confused. I told him how I felt, and that I was very glad to be in his life. Although he continued to display romantic interest in me, he usually became very stiff and formal toward me afterwards.

 

When I told him how this hurt me, he became irritated. This continued on through the year until last week I told him I couldn't take the sorrow his behaviours were causing me. I asked him why he even wanted to kiss me back in April in the first place, and he said, "To break the dream."

 

He told me that he liked his "safe" life and felt like he wasn't ready for marriage. He spent more and more time at his job, getting to his office at 7 am and not leaving until 9:30 pm. He ignored my requests to have more time for me, and told me that I should be happy he had a job.

 

There is a lot more hurt to tell, but the basic point is that he seemed to turn on me when I told him how much he meant to me. I was so heartbroken, I moved away and now am living in a new town. He was going to visit me for Christmas, but he couldn't get away from work long enough to spend more than about 12 hours with me, so I told him not to come. I hated saying that, but I couldn't stand feeling unimportant and rejected again and again.

 

Now we are not talking, and I don't know what to do. I feel so hurt and heartbroken. I just wanted to feel like I was important to him...What happeneed? Was I wrong to say how I felt? I don't understand......

[BellaDonna]

I am so sorry to hear about your heartache.

 

His behavior sounds bizarre and misleading. Was he ever married before? From the way you described him he sounded like the classic case of the married or recently divorced man who meets a younger woman , and when the relationship starts getting more serious, runs away because he wants a single "carefree" lifestyle.

 

Either that or he can just be the kind of individual that likes a chase, and then when he finally catches the prize, he loses interest.

 

These would all be faults in HIM, and nothing that you did wrong.

 

Also, somehting sounds a little fishy to me. I don't want to give you bad painful thoughts, but I have to say what pops right out to me... are you SURE this job of his really has him work all those hours or is he seeing (chasing) someone else. It almost sounds like he's leading a double life, especially with the holiday scenerio.....

 

Regardless, just know that you did nothing wrong. I think you did a very smart thing by telling him to stay home if you were not going to be a priority for his time.

 

I think you can find someone who feels mutual feelings for you, instead of this confused man, with his mysterious/questionable bahavior. You should not have to convince someone to spend time with you and love you.

 

It's probably going to be hard for you to let go of him because it was a friendship first and you had a lot of history, but you simply won't be able to open yourself up to the wonderful possibilities of life until you let him go. The more time you spend dedicating to him, the more likely you are to miss the "right one" when he comes along.

 

Warm wishes to you and I hope your broken heart heals quickly,

 

BellaDonna

[DragonGirl724]

"He told me that he liked his "safe" life and felt like he wasn't ready for marriage"

 

he is afraid of fallin in love with you. he has a fear of commitment & a fear of love that he gets irritated w/ himself b/c he wants it but hes afraid to have it.

 

we seem to create what we fear the most. as humans we try so hard to avoid sumthing when in reality we are creating it....for example: he is so fearful of being hurt from love that he instead is creating the pain himself. (by withholding himself from love & creating & having to deal with the self inflicted pain he bestowed upon himself, instead of just going with the flow...)

 

i think hes keeping his distance b/c like he said himself its the "safe way". im sorry but some people never get broken into the thought of being in love. you may just have to try to reconsile with him & say "listen i dont want to lose your friendship, lets go back to the way we were. i miss having you around. youre one of my best friends."

 

b/c he is more than likely NOT going to make the first move...but as much as it sucks for you, i wouldnt look at him in a romantic way anymore. you dont want a man who is afraid to love. you will NEVER be satisfied in a relationship with someone like him.

 

-DG724

[Yorkrose23]

I totally empathize.

He is probably really afraid of his feelings for you. Maybe he's never been in love before and it freaks him out. I think he really loves you but maybe is too afraid of the age difference. Alot of times older men are afraid of the way people will judge them when they say they have a younger woman.(my bf was scared of this-he's 14yrs. older)

I agree with the poster who said he's in conflict with himself.

It sounds like he really wants you but is scared for some reason.

You have done nothing wrong! Try to talk to him and tell him how you feel.

Also reassure him that if he's scared, you'll be there to help him.

If this does not work, he's probably just not ready and you'll have to consider moving on.

[AllTheMoonLong]

I'm new here, and frankly I had been a little discouraged at the level of maturity of a lot of the discussions -- they felt a bit like those horrible Cosmo covers, you know: "Seven Signs Your Guy Wants to Kiss", and "How to Tell if HE Likes You!". Then, I read your eloquent, heartfelt post, and I'm so glad I joined.

 

It's obvious that you are grieving, both for the loss of the connection that you had with Peter and also, what may be harder, for the loss of the possibility of more. I thought it was a telling phrase, when he said "To break the dream." I think there is something sadly self-destructive about that, and about (as you said) the fact that he started to turn on you, and be angry with you, and stiff and distant. We could speculate all day about what's behind his contradictory "Come close, come closer... Go away, go (far) away!" behavior, but the truth is that you are the one who has been vulnerable, and courageous in standing up for yourself by saying (in words and deeds) "I am not going to let you hurt me again."

 

I love the image of Cupid and Psyche on your signature -- seeing it reminded me of being in front of that sculpture in the Louvre last year, and watching couples walk by it. It was interesting that for the couples I saw who were obviously "paired", I remember that the women looked longest, and the guys moved ahead sometimes or stayed behind. I was ending a relationship at the time, and found that it was hard also for me to look at such a tender, soft, and dreamy sculpture when I was so sad. I think it takes strength to be tender, and frankly it doesn't sound like he has that strength, or the willingness to be tender and connected and close to you. (Forgive the cheesy metaphor, but...) He looks for a second or two, feels uncomfortable, and moves away, stiff and distant. Meanwhile, you're grieving not just the actual loss, but the loss of all the tenderness that young romance is supposed to have... That is sad, but I think the longing for beauty, and intimacy that you have is a sign of strength, as is your willingness to write about what you're feeling now.

 

I'm wishing you well for the New Year, and urging you to appreciate the strength you have -- even though you are much younger than Peter, I think you are much wiser.

[TrueHeart]

I am so sorry for the heartache you're enduring now. Especially when something felt so right. I will agree with what the other posts have said, for truly-- you did nothing wrong If he wasn't ready for that, maybe he has issues with commitment, or possibly has a problem with the age-gap, or doesn't want to lose you as a friend...

 

In either case, he owns the problem, not you-- do not ever think that by you sharing your feelings that you were in the wrong. It is possible that some people just cannot handle things like that... so they remain alone by their own choice...

 

I hope things get better, just remember you have friends here!!!