Lolitaaa Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Hi everyone, So I'm really sad and confused, I really could use some help to understand what is going on here ... I've been dating for 1 year 8 months, I used to be the dominant one in the Relationship, last I was sick in bed when I saw a checkin of my boyfriend and a guy I hate having dinner in a restaurant ... I got mad, and since it went wrong ... He started getting aggressive, changed pictures of us everywhere, and says he love me but "in his own way" and that he doesn't feel in a Relationship, also he wants space ... Today when I asked for a second chance he told me that I treated him the same way when I once almost dumped him (also changed pictures of us, ect, he's basically copying everything I did) and that he's hurt by things from my past (doesn't make any sense, he knew all those things a long time ago) ... And he's not sure about the Relationship. BUT he sends me texts everyday, calles me everyday as if nothing is going on, maybe a little colder ...But still calling me by my petnames. I honestly think he is trying to teach me how it feels to feel the way he did, if he wanted to break up he could have done it a long time ago, and he would not call me to let me know what he's up to, ect ... Right ? Any input would be greatly appreciated Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I'd say consider these 'headgames' and your choice to continue playing them. Yes, with what you did to him previously is just as childish. Removing pics etc.. as he has done now. It's all done by choice. YOUR choice to continue talking with him. YOUR choice to remain involved with him. YOUR choice to remove pics etc. YOUR choice to play these games. Good luck tho with how things are ina a year from now. Will probably get progressively worse, IF you two don't stop the games and grow up. and deal with your problems in a more mature manner? Link to comment
Snny Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 You're analyzing his behavior and picking fights with him over things he does on his social media account? Seriously? How old are you guys? There a couple friends that my fiancé has whom I do not like or want to be around. I even let him know it too. However I cannot pick and choose his friends and let him go on a guys night with them. To be the bigger person means being civil. By selecting your boyfriends friends, you become the crazy controlling girlfriend that nobody likes, and the one your boyfriend is pressured to choose a side. And if he has known this friend longer than you, he will choose the friend over you. A year and 8 months isn't long enough to build a rapport and his friends may have a higher influence on him than you do at this point. Pick your battles very carefully. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Ummm ... I never forbid him to hang out with that friend, I don't like the guy cause it's a druggy, and cause he has a faul mouth, but otherwise I'm decent to him, I was just talking about me getting mad cause he was ignoring me while he was having dinner with that friend when I was sick ... difference. He took it the wrong way and he started the childishness to change ALL of his profile pictures of US ... I also had a reason to dump him 1 year ago and changed only my FB profile picture since I didn't even wanted to see his face, but he's worse, it was just anger ... My question here was he keeps calling and texting and calling me petnames, not about the friends he can not see, cause I would never do that, he sees who the hell he wants, and he might KNOW the guy longer then me, but started to HANG OUT with him when we were together ... I didn't here to be attacked, just wanted an opinion about his way of acting towards me when he says he's not sure about us, but that yet he calls, texts, buys things I like and calls me pet names. I give him his space him and his friends, friends go home after a while, and he will have to go to bed alone, I'm not worried about that, it's no other women ... Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 He has told you point blank that he is unsure of the relationship. And you thin because he has shown concern and care to you after the miscarriage and calla you.pet names that this negates that statement? It doesn't. It just means he is not a complete moron. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 He has told you point blank that he is unsure of the relationship. And you thin because he has shown concern and care to you after the miscarriage and calla you.pet names that this negates that statement? It doesn't. It just means he is not a complete moron. WOW, I thought this forum was to get some clearness and support ... I'm not saying that he only showns concerns and calls me and call me a pet name time to time ... I'm saying he calls me 3 a 2 times everyday, not only to check up on me but to tell me what is is up to, petnames like "my heart" "my love " ect are kinda weird to me on the verge of breaking up And buying stuff to put in the villa he got for us is also werid if he was to really break it off. He says he needs time, yet he keeps initiating contact, so yeah, he's no moron, but I've never experienced a guy who wants to break up like this Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 He is unsure. And that means he hasn't completely "broken" the relationship. I think a better question is --- what do you want? A guy who is committed to you and your future? Or a guy that doesn't know what he wants? Link to comment
BigKK Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I think Lolitaaa wants to hear her relationship is definitely not over...well...your relationship is definitely not over. What some of the members are trying to point out is, relationships are a two way street and you're a part of it as well. Do you want a partner that immaturely "teaches you a lesson." I wouldn't, granted you behaved the same way, perhaps you learned (or will learn) to not drag your partner's face through the mud and then continue a relationship...because guess what? It's hurtful and they remember it, so when things go wrong now you're getting a taste. I think a rational person with self-esteem wouldn't allow themselves to be treated like this but sometimes emotions take over and you will tolerate whatever just so you're not alone. My advice is look at his behavior and decide if you are actually happy with that. If so then carry on, and enjoy the hell of limbo. If you have some self-respect you DON'T have to play his games and just let him know you're not doing this anymore, and that you two are through. Then you become single, and learn from your actions and grow from there...and prepare yourself for a healthy relationship. Cheers Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Thank you, BijKK, and I get that, but it's no way for him to be acting like that now, right after a miscarriage when I need him ... So I don't get why he is acting like that right now when I need him the most. Granted, he is here to take me to the doctor, ect ... But I love him and don't want to lose him this way, i've been a total in the past, and I admit it, but I'm very emotional now, and he is acting cool with me... It hurts more then anything. I just keep hoping he'll see that it's not right what he is doing to me ... Maybe I should better start ignoring him from now on, wait until he contacts me first ... Maybe he'll realise he misses me and stop his foolish game. It's my only option. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Maybe I should better start ignoring him from now on, wait until he contacts me first ... Maybe he'll realise he misses me and stop his foolish game. Maybe. Try it. Don't even bother asking him to be your shoulder. Show him that you're an independent woman that can take care of herself. A woman that has options other then him and if he can't see the value in you that you're better off without him.. which you would be if he's not giving you want you want. So yea... try that but don't do it as a manipulation ploy into getting what you want. Do it because you are better off doing it. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 I think the no contact is better, now he has just sent me "already up ? xx" which again is messeng with my mind, cause why would he even care ... I can't give up, not just yet ... Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Instead of reading into his signals, why not just ask him where he feels this is going? We can offer opinions, but the true answer lies within the both of you. Link to comment
Snny Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Ummm ... I never forbid him to hang out with that friend, I don't like the guy cause it's a druggy, and cause he has a faul mouth, but otherwise I'm decent to him, I was just talking about me getting mad cause he was ignoring me while he was having dinner with that friend when I was sick ... difference. Oh cry me a river. Unless you are dying, are in a hospital and require consistent medical attention, why was it absolutely necessary to start a fight over him going out for at least an hour to have lunch with his buddy? Why does he need to pay attention to you when he is out with a friend? If his friend is a druggie, then why are you taking out your frustration on your boyfriend? If he's an adult I'm sure he is capable of making better choices by not doing drugs? I'm sorry, but that part does appear controlling. Link to comment
Lolitaaa Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 Oh cry me a river. Unless you are dying, are in a hospital and require consistent medical attention, why was it absolutely necessary to start a fight over him going out for at least an hour to have lunch with his buddy? Why does he need to pay attention to you when he is out with a friend? If his friend is a druggie, then why are you taking out your frustration on your boyfriend? If he's an adult I'm sure he is capable of making better choices by not doing drugs? I'm sorry, but that part does appear controlling. Do you have any idea of what it feels like to be all ALONE after a miscarriage, bleeding, hurting and crying while your boyfriend that is supposed to be by your side leaves you alone and ignores your textmessages ????? Who are you to judge anyways ??? I have no problem with him going out, but not when he should be by my side, keep your BS to yourself. Link to comment
Snny Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Do you have any idea of what it feels like to be all ALONE after a miscarriage, bleeding, hurting and crying while your boyfriend that is supposed to be by your side leaves you alone and ignores your textmessages ????? Well, no you didn't mention any of this. But this still doesn't excuse the fact that he can't have lunch with a friend. What do you realistically expect him to do? He is not your caregiver. Who are you to judge anyways ??? About your behavior and attitude being controlling? Your thread topic "teaching me a lesson" already indicates a power struggle, and lo and behold... Your entire situation is about power. You are fighting for control by picking petty fights from social media usage and him visiting a friend for a very short time. If you both are fighting for power within a relationship, then there is your problem. keep your BS to yourself. Oh really now? You came to a third party website to ask for third part advice and I gave it to you straight up, no sugar coating. Sorry you can't take the truth. Perhaps with all the drama in your life,therapy should be the next step to sort your issues out. Good luck with your life. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Do you have any idea of what it feels like to be all ALONE after a miscarriage, bleeding, hurting and crying while your boyfriend that is supposed to be by your side leaves you alone and ignores your textmessages ????? Who are you to judge anyways ??? I have no problem with him going out, but not when he should be by my side, keep your BS to yourself. You are not ALL ALONE. He keeps checking on you. And you are at your dad's, right? You are not laying in a gutter somewhere! You have PEOPLE AROUND. You want him to sit with you, wait on you and pat your head while you cry? This is not going to happen and its unfair to expect it. You lost the baby. he was disappointed. You were disappointed. But after that fact - the bleeding part, etc, is now the issue of you recovering physically. He is not a nurse. he can't "help you" do that. Even a nurse would say you need bed rest, etc. I have never had a miscarriage, but i imagine if the baby was not far along, it wouldn't require months of bedrest or anything like that and your emotions of being upset about your bf not "being there" is making it worse. You CAN do things for yourself. You are not in bed dying of cancer where people need to keep vigil. What exactly do you want him to do? You have to figure out what exactly you want in concrete terms and not be passive aggressive or controlling or mean when he doesn't read your mind. Not "to be there" in vague terms - but what exactly does that mean?? Right now, you are pushing him away because nothing he does is right and he is probably sick of it. I think you should tell your mom or somebody about the miscarriage so that you have someone else to sympathize you, as you are expecting him to carry 100% of the burden of "being there" for you, which is not fair. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Actually, its not a bad idea for you to go back to your doctor and tell him that you're depressed over the miscarriage. At this point you may need someone professional to talk to, to help you with your left over feelings of loss. Your bf clearly does not care to be your emotional tampon. Time to face that fact now, don't you think, Lolitaaa? I don't think you'll ever be able to get back the emotional connection now that you are so resentful of him and his apparent indifference to the miscarriage and your emotional state. How are you feeling today? Any better? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Actually, its not a bad idea for you to go back to your doctor and tell him that you're depressed over the miscarriage. At this point you may need someone professional to talk to, to help you with your left over feelings of loss. Your bf clearly does not care to be your emotional tampon. Time to face that fact now, don't you think, Lolitaaa? That is a good idea. Counseling is important. I know that you don't want to let anyone else in, but you really should let mom or a sister or an aunt that has been a second mother to you in on this. I know you are against that, but that is one of the best things you can do. They want the best for you and they would rather know why you are suffering and help you. Maybe one has been though a miscarriage and has never talked about it. Also, your boyfriend did not go through this with his body, so will not and cannot feel the exact same over this that you do. Even a husband who is grieving the loss of a much planned for baby is not going to go through the same things as the wife. Just because someone is not "grieving as much as you", etc, doesn't mean they are uncaring. Link to comment
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