How to get past the next two months living with my 61 yo mother?

[Thisisstrange]

Hi,

So I'm 21 and I live with my mother who is 61 in a tiny unit. She's moving out in two months to move in with her partner, so I need to move out too. I'll then need to find a job, finish my degree, and I'm planning on moving in with my boyfriend.

My mother and I have seemingly always had a weird relationship. In some ways, we are very similar and we get along very well, and in a sense I feel like I'm too close/reliant on her and it makes me feel icky. If we're in a good place, I'll tell her everything going on with my life and she does the same. When we're not, we sort of stay out of each other's way. Generally when we're not close, its because she's working full time and is basically constantly stressed. She will spend her spare time with her boyfriend or on the phone to friends and we drift because she doesn't really make the effort to stay close.

So when she's stressed out and working a lot, she relies on me a lot to keep the house clean, doing basic jobs like taking the bins out and doing the dishes and she also generally wants me to cook to make things easier on her, which I understand. But I'm also at uni full time and I also volunteer. So we have a cleaner and she does the little jobs I would usually be doing. Its a small place, but my mum has A LOT of stuff, and feels the need to decorate the place. She's also decided to start packing up her things so we have random boxes around the house and its always messy and packed because her stuff is just all over the place.

 

The point is, if I don't do the dishes by the time she gets home from work, or have the bins in, or if I've already eaten and Im not looking to cook, she will not just remind me to do it, she will kind of barge into my room and do this passive aggressive stuff. She will say things like, "Oh, so, um, are you on strike or something?" "We need to sit down and have a chat soon about all this" and ask me for my "story" (my excuses.) She will then go around the house sighing constantly and ranting about the saucepan in the fridge and this and that and the other thing. She will give me this big speech about how mess makes her mind foggy and it makes her anxious and she doesn't like coming home to a 'dirty' house and so, basically, gives me all the reasons why I need to do all these chores. It would be fine if we still maintained our relationship in its 'good' phase. But as soon as she's stressed, I'm busy, the house gets messier, she will give me the cold shoulder and say I act like I'm a queen and all this stuff. She will go on rants about how no-one ever helps her (essentially go on about how she's a victim) and will, in general, be angry towards me. She doesn't even come home, say hello, how are you, or do any of the normal small talk. She will just come home and the FIRST thing she will do is go through a list of things I'll forget to do.

 

She also doesn't like to thank me. She thinks because these things are expected of me, that she shouldn't have to be appreciative or thank me for it. She went away for four months and I lived by myself for four months and I looked after myself. I can be independent and cook, clean, study and work. But still she thinks because I neglect to do these things within the time frame she gives me, I'm incapable and I shouldn't be thanked and its just all expected.

If I keep up all the chores, that's when she'll be nice to me and talkative. If I try to have a conversation with her while the dishes are dirty, she will do that Marge Simpson-esque 'mmmm' and then ask about why the chores aren't done. Its like she'll only have a relationship with me if I do all the things she asks within the certain time frame, which seems ridiculous to me.

It infuriates me. It makes me not want to have a relationship with her.

 

It is so much like living with a teenager here. She's moody and demanding and if I want to talk to her, I have to wait through phone calls to her sisters, her relatives, her friends, her boyfriend etc etc. She's constantly anxious and so she can't have a conversation if its not about the things driving her crazy.

 

SO, how do I get through these next few months? We've been to counselling and the counsellor has told me its sort of my problem, and that she's never going to change, and so my only option is to do the chores within the time frame she wants, regardless of what's going on with me. It would be fine if she actually was nice towards me not on condition of this and this and this.

It has gotten to the point that when she goes on these rants, I can't even muster up any words to say because I just find it so ridiculous and insane. I can't just say 'I will do them later' or 'I will do them tomorrow' because she will just nag me until its done. THEN she'll be nice.

I don't even want to talk to her anymore. It drives me crazy.

[lavenderdove]

Ok, you're 21, adult. but still living with your mother. And does she pay for the apartment or assist in paying for your school? If so, when you are living in her apt. and she is paying, you need to pull your weight and help out around the house.

 

And doing volunteer work is your choice, and shouldn't take precedence over keeping your apt. clean and assisting your mother. So you probably need to stop that until you are thru school and independent enough to have the time and luxury to do that volunteer work.

 

Remember she's your mother. And if you're living in her place and slacking on your chores, then she is going to want to correct you and make you take responsibility. If you move out and have your own place, you can keep that place any way you want and let the dishes sit around for a week if you choose, but while you're living with her in her place with her paying for it, you need to respect her wishes in terms of doing chores around the house. If you are going to take on full adult responsibilities and pay for yourself and your own place, then you can have any freedom you want from your mother. But as long as you're living at home and she's picking up the tab, you need to follow her rules.

 

So stop fighting with her. And stop doing volunteer work while you're living with her so that you have time to do the chores around the house. You can start up again as soon as you move out, but you don't have the luxury to do volunteer work if that means shorting your mother and not doing the chores at home while she is paying to put a roof over your head and food on the table and assist with your school.

 

Your other alternative if you don't like how she is behaving is to move out right now. Get a job now, and find some other students who are willing to share a house with you. But if you take that route, then you'll have a boss yelling at you to scrape the grill at McDonald's rather than your mother asking you to wash the dishes.

 

Welcome to the adult world of responsibility. You don't get to just do whatever you choose and not be responsible to try to please the person who is paying the bills (whether that is your mother or a boss at work).

[greta96]

Keep this one thing in mind: when she's gone, you will be missing these two months of living with her and you will be wishing you had them back...

[sunnz]

Have some respect and do the chores that everyone needs to do to keep the house cleaned, this is a typical parent and child complaint,

 

If the 'dirt' was picked up and done at the same time as making the mess, then there would be no stress about having to do the dishes or rubbish to take out, it wouldn't build up. That is, clean up as you go, use one plate, one cup and clean and reuse etc and how hard is it to do the dishes and bin and tidy up after yourself for your mother ?? It just goes to show that people are not thoughtful enough to help out with the small stuff

 

It looks like all your mum wants is to come home to a refreshed house so that is one less stress on her, doesn't seem she is asking a lot from you does it ?!!

[Thisisstrange]

Yeah, and that's all fine, all I really wanted from her was her to just come home and say 'hello' once in a while. All I want is a relationship with her, rather than getting the cold shoulder and her moodiness and her being angry at me and not talking to me. I just wanted to be able to talk to her and have a conversation with her. I didn't really think that was much either..

I didn't live with her from when I was 13-18, I lived with my dad. We never got along when I was younger because all she did was work and then spend all weekend dating and I resented her for it. It felt like she was never home. So I suppose I thought we could make up for lost time or something, but then everyone just tells me to get over it because this is how things are. I have tried to talk to her about it many times but she thinks I'm overreacting.

So yeah. Guess I will just have to get over it.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm going to offer you some hope here in that after she moves out and doesn't see you every day things may very well change. You already know your mom and you don't see eye to eye on some things given your childhood issues. It is, unfortunately, what it is so yeah just do the best you can, roll your eyes and think, "That's Mom," when she starts. And realize that time will quite possibly be a great healer in that being apart can likely make both of you appreciate the other one more. That's what happened with me and my parents who frankly put I and my siblings through some major crap earlier in our lives. At the age of 21 I remember being so irritated by them I wanted to scream at times if I was even in the same room with them. I would not have been able to live with them when I was that age, so my hat is off to you for even trying.

 

Time and distance mellowed all of that out. Somewhere along the way we became friends and then better friends. And now that my elderly mother has Alzheimer's she's living with me. And it's all good, I love her, she loves me back and we bond with the time and limitations we have left to us. So hang in there. Tell your mom you love her, develop a wry sense of humor, do the chores, expect nothing in return and realize time will heal this too.