Repost from another thread

[davekin]

See my original thread if it matters. I cannot post urls for some reason. It dealt with her giving mixed signals about a break and getting back together.

 

 

I'm here to rant about what has become of this situation. It's been almost 2 months since the break up and I ran into a close friend of hers which is her co-worker and the person who "hooked" us up might I add. And she had no clue of the break up. I've read the "manuals" and heard all the generic advices of "work on yourself" etc. But this lack of any communication has driven me insane.

 

After 5 weeks of no contact, I did the worst thing possible and went to her house which she never answered the door. Later that night she texted about how upset that made her. I told her I had no option since she refused any contact in other forms. She told me she doesn't love me anymore, but wrote again the next day to give it another month for her to figure out her emotions. How do people actually think this is ok to do with someone else's heart. Just a rant, I know let it go etc. but it is hard. Extremely hard.

[SooSad33]

Yup, it is hard! I know... BUT you need to respect her choice.

And you cannot just show up there and later say something like you had 'no other option, since she refused contact in other forms'.

that's silly. If she refused to talk to you, that's her choice & her right.

 

You cannot be hounding her, that makes things worse. She asked to be left alone for a while.

You have to try harder to accomplish this.

Will power.. get it.

[davekin]

I understand what I did was wrong. My rant is her way of leaving me with a hint of hope.

[Capricorn3]

If you don't want your heart stomped on, then you shouldn't have gone past her house and trying to contact her. She broke up with you. She has told you she doesn't love you anymore. She's not interested in being with you etc etc. Time for you to learn to accept that it's OVER and leave her be. You need to go full NC and move on.

[Man with Dog]

I understand what I did was wrong. My rant is her way of leaving me with a hint of hope.

 

It is more likely that it's her way of letting you down gently but it WAS wrong of her to give mixed signals.

[nutbrownhare]

You really need to leave her alone and move on.

 

Comments like: "I told her I had no option since she refused any contact in other forms." are very worrying in that they imply some kind of entitlement to her. Actually, you did have another option which would have been much more useful to both you and her - that of cutting off all contact and getting on with your own life. Leaving her in the past, where she belongs.

 

If you do anything like this again she could potentially report you for harassment - and you really don't need to add that to your current heartbreak.

[bakadesuka]

Anger is good, means your starting to heal but don't take it out on the poor girl she is just being honest with you she still wants to be friends but obviously doesnt think you can handle that right now and shes right .

 

i think you might be going through steps of grief they normally used for death /loss but can be suitable for this link removed

 

next step is bargining so you will think well what if we gave it another chance we can work it out what if i change , what if you ignore your feelings and try again, and this is a hard step even more so than anger but please dont torture the poor girl with what ifs she doesn't deserve it

[bakadesuka]

your rant is you acting like an idiot and upsetting her, nothing more

[davekin]

I understand all of your opinions. But up to that incident, she had been hiding her intentions and feelings to her friends, family, and myself. Weeks of "let me think about it". Then after all that chaos of me going over. I had some form of closure, and she messages me days later to say give her more time. That was the rant.

[davekin]

your rant is you acting like an idiot and upsetting her, nothing more

 

Thanks for the insightful post. Why are you on this forum? What is this forum for. To put down each other or offer support.

[sharky988]

Based on your last thread, it sounded as if you were going to focus on quitting drinking and getting yourself together.

 

How are you doing on that front?

 

Remember you can't control your ex or how she feels or what she does.... you can only control yourself and your own actions. Your ex is using you as a backup plan -- which is a common Dumper move -- and right now you're falling for it and making yourself a doormat for her and going through the ringer while she gets to feel comforted knowing you're still right there on the backburner.

 

Put the focus back where it belongs: on YOU. On YOUR life and healing yourself and getting a handle on your drinking issue.

[Realitynut]

Thankyou Sharky! Something I needed to hear!!! After my friend runs hot and cold with me...going on 3 months, he told me it was over. He was starting to 'click' with this new girl.

 

So...2 weeks later..NC. Longest in over 10 months. He calls last thurs. night. I missed the call. I call him next day. Talk. Asked why he left me. Said he'd have to tell me in person...not while he was at work. I asked if he could tell me in 2 sentences. He said no. That night i had him come over.

 

He asked if i was a 'negative' person...and told me that i had criticized his daughter for getting pregnant and moving in with her bf after only a few months...and that had made him mad.

Second...while we were in bed....lol...he said that i am 'over-whelming', cuz for an example he said one morning i was going to make him a big breakfast of sausage and eggs...and he only wanted 'oatmeal'....but i made the big breakfast anyway.

 

Those were the two things that he thought of that i did wrong i guess.

 

Then he went on and on AGAIN, about how he has no chemistry with this girl...like he does with me. And he's still thinking things over. And the night before when he called me, he was outside looking at the stars and thinking of ME...not HER.

 

Those were his exact words. This guy is 56. Said he never was between 2 women in his life. He has only given this new girl pecks and hugs. He said he wished he'd never gotten himself in this situation. I asked "what situation? Having sex with me...or starting to see this new girl??" He said starting to see her.

 

Kissed me a passionate kiss goodbye...not on forehead...lol. Went out of town with a meetup group...with 'her'. And never heard from him again. Oh yeah...i called to say "happy Father's day" asked what he is doing. Told me. I said, well you can come over afterwards. He said it would be around 9. I said that's ok. Said he'd call after he dropped his daughter off.

 

He never called. He never came.

 

I caved and txted yesterday. I miss you.

 

I was wanting to go to his house tomorrow and say, Hey, you gotta make a choice...so i can either see YOU and only you...or i move on!

 

This is what i was thinking last night. After reading all this....i realize...and i really did know it in my head....but didn't want to....that he HAS moved on. I am only getting breadcrumbs. Of course he wass thinking of me after 2 weeks. We saw each other EVERY DAY for 10 months.

 

I do believe it's like a drug. You get a txt...or a call...or sex...or any little thing...and you're all excited.

 

He told me he never felt passion like he does with me. When he left, he said he hadn't had an erection in two weeks, until he heard my voice on the phone.

 

I guess with him, I'm just sexual. After going 10 months with NO sex....and pursuing me...to now sex for over 2 months...and now what? I'm just a booty call? aargh

 

Sorry for hijacking thread again. Venting too. Just needed to hear all this. If a guy WANTS you ...he will be there for you. He use to BE HERE all the time...and call ALL the time.

 

Now he's not...and i'm doing the chasing. After breadcrumbs. Hurts. Why do they do this?

 

I was the back up plan with the ex fiance up in Wisconsin...but at least i KNEW it! This guy keeps telling me there is NO CHEMISTRY with her, like there is with me!!! Why doesn't he choose me then?

 

Sorry again. I just need to be slapped.

[sharky988]

Oh sweetie.... he's using you for sex.

 

Nothing wrong with that -- IF he loves you and is committing to you! But this guy isn't, he's got a girlfriend and you've become the person he CHEATS WITH.

 

Ewwwww. Honey, you're better than that. You wouldn't want this man EVEN IF HE DUMPS HIS GIRLFRIEND. Because he's a liar and a cheater and a player. And if he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you.

 

Walk away. BLOCK HIM so he can't keep using you as his Plan B. Even if you're not strong enough to do this -- PRETEND that you are! Change your cell number if you have to. Stop offering yourself on a silver platter to someone who's USING YOU.

[Realitynut]

I know i need to hear that....but it hurts so damn bad. I hurt for 2 years after fiance cheated on me. I told my mom last Oct. that i was finally happy again. That was with 'this' guy. When i told him we could only be friends. But i became emotionally attached...big time. Then the sex. Only made me hurt worse....

 

I just don't get it. We never fought. We got each other's humor. We WERE BEST FRIENDS...he said he was going to look for someone he could become 'intimate' with. So I didn't want to lose him, we had sex...after he had only seen this other girl 3 times. I know her too...we all belong to the same kayak club. I said before he got exclusive with her...i would put myself 'out there'. The minute he had sex with me...and i mean the MINUTE...he acted all weird, and said...maybe we shouldn't txt or call tomorrow. I was in shock! After all...this is a guy who had pursued me since LAST MAY....and once he got it...it freaked out! ugh. I cried. It's been like that ever since. HOT....and the next day...cold as ice. Never in all my years have i ever witnessed anything like it!

 

I give up.

 

My mom and sister were shocked that he would do such a thing. My mom told me she thought that he was 'the one'...ugh

[davekin]

Hi Sharky, I am doing good with the "fixing" myself plan. Haven't had a drink in 7 weeks and getting plenty of therapy. I admit it has not got any easier.

 

Up to that point when I tried talking to her in person, I was in denial. The relationship was still alive. So now I have just started go through the actual break up all over. No sleep, no appetite, etc. When I had the closure of her not loving me, I actually felt good for those few days. Until she wrote again saying she needs time to figure out her emotions and "let the dust settle".

[davekin]

Realitynut, no worries post here as much as you want, we're here to help each other. That guy has moved on and is using you for sex. He knows you will always be there and make him feel good when he is down, for whatever reason that it. But when he gets what he wants, he goes away and leaves you unhappy. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Heartbreak and getting your emotions played with are hard to deal with.

[sharky988]

Hi Sharky, I am doing good with the "fixing" myself plan. Haven't had a drink in 7 weeks and getting plenty of therapy. I admit it has not got any easier.

 

Up to that point when I tried talking to her in person, I was in denial. The relationship was still alive. So now I have just started go through the actual break up all over. No sleep, no appetite, etc. When I had the closure of her not loving me, I actually felt good for those few days. Until she wrote again saying she needs time to figure out her emotions and "let the dust settle".

 

Dude, she can't write you with breadcrumbs IF YOU BLOCK HER ACCESS TO YOU.

 

Google the "5 stages of grief" model. You will see that a period of Denial -- and then Bargaining, trying to negotiate your way back into a dead relationship -- are perfectly normal.

 

What else is normal? Not eating, not sleeping, total obsession and misery. Everyone who's been through a bad breakup has been where you are right now.

 

I hope you're checking out AA and not just white-knuckling it through weeks of sobriety on your own!

[sharky988]

In the immortal words of Allie Sheedy in "St. Elmo's Fire".... SEX ISN'T LOVE.

[davekin]

Yes I am getting help. My issues dealt more with depression and a very strong history of it. Social drinking didn't help the situation. That was the extent of the drinking. But I am still getting help for it.

 

Its so upsetting that she never talked to me in person or the phone for so many weeks. No real "break up" just a slow disappearance. Just refused to ever contact me again. And hid everything from her friends. As hard as it is to stop obsessing, she's having a great life according to social media. I stop looking for days, but always go back to it. Its hard to block people out since everyone is so accessible. I tried deleting her number and it reappears, icloud back up. I don't know.

[sharky988]

Yes I am getting help. My issues dealt more with depression and a very strong history of it. Social drinking didn't help the situation. That was the extent of the drinking. But I am still getting help for it.

 

Its so upsetting that she never talked to me in person or the phone for so many weeks. No real "break up" just a slow disappearance. Just refused to ever contact me again. And hid everything from her friends. As hard as it is to stop obsessing, she's having a great life according to social media. I stop looking for days, but always go back to it. Its hard to block people out since everyone is so accessible. I tried deleting her number and it reappears, icloud back up. I don't know.

 

What kind of help are you getting? Because you seem to be more focused on the breakup than on sobriety.

 

It's easy to block people when you change your cell number. Go ahead and do it, I've changed mine twice in the past year for different reasons, no big deal.

 

MANY dumpers prefer the "slow fade" method for a breakup -- or even just disappearing. But as long as you continue to leave her UNBLOCKED on your phone and computer then you're not a victim anymore, you're an active participant in creating your own suffering!

[davekin]

I have both a therapist, and a psychiatrist. And attend alanon meetings.

 

And yes all my energy and time has been focused on the break up. I went through a divorce years ago that was never this hard. We both met young and agreed to end the marriage. Still very close friends to this day. My other relationship ended when I was cheated on by her, I had anger after that one. This is the first time I have been dumped and had my heart broken. I have never gone through this type of sadness.

[sharky988]

Al-anon isn't the same as AA.

 

You identified yourself as having a drinking problem, so AA would be the place for you.

[davekin]

I understand the difference between the two. I don't have a problem of not being able to stop drinking. I have depression do to history of alcohol.

[nutbrownhare]

I understand the difference between the two. I don't have a problem of not being able to stop drinking. I have depression do to history of alcohol.

 

AA's the place for you, even if you don't have a problem with being able to stop drinking (many AA members have been sober for years) - Alanon is for people who have a problem with alcoholism in a relative or friend and much of the spirituality of the program is about not unwittingly enabling someone else's addiction. In AA you won't be the only one with depression caused by alcohol; the behaviour you describe in your original post is also typical of addicts - though in this instance it's addiction to a relationship rather than a substance.

 

Any behaviour which you know is bad for you, and will cause you pain - yet you find it very, very difficult to stop and carry on doing it anyway, is a form of addiction. You will likely find much more appropriate support in AA.

 

Good luck with all this!

[davekin]

Thank you for the insight. I never saw the relationship as an addiction, but it all makes sense. It is hard to stop trying to contact, stop looking at photos, stop reading old messages. All it is doing is causing pain and difficult to stop.

 

Thank you