dealing with depression when your family is denial?

[bluemoon]

The title is pretty self-explanatory.

I have mental health problems and they have become progressively worse since I was young.

I can't support myself financially at the moment due to university studies. I have failed a year in university due to this and will have to repeat.

 

Whenever I try to have a conversation with my mother about this I am faced with endless statements such as

'Other people are getting on just fine, I have seen students that look more depressed than you and they get their stuff together'

'You're using your health as an excuse!'

'You're lazy'

'You don't have a problem'

'There are other people who have it worse than you'

'A psychologist/therapist won't help you. I don't think anyone can help you. You alone have to help yourself'

 

We bounce from- her acknowledging I have depression but comparing me to other people who have it far worse, to denying it completely and telling my that seeking help won't help me at all.

 

These statements in turn put me back in square 1 and affect my recovery. I begin to self-pity, tell myself I'm useless or then doubt that I even have depression.

 

Has anyone else lived in an unsupportive home?

How did you cope when you were alone and depression slowly stripped you of all motivation, took away your enjoyment out of life.. but you still had to function (i.e. college/job) ?

[chitown9]

I don't know where you live, but if you live in the United States and are going to college here there is help for you at the health services department at your school. Counseling is available on campus for issues such as yours. This is something that you pay for with your tuition. Please look into it. You will get support from these services. You can ask the counselor how to deal with your unsuporting family.

[Man with Dog]

TBH, I never really understood depression until I had it. Looking back, I had it in my teens but it hardest when my first marriage broke up.

 

The only way I function is through taking meds. I'm probably not typical here because I am in my late 50s and am married with a grown-up daughter. Nevertheless I suffer from it because of financial problems and unfulfilled career dreams.

 

Most people don't like meds but they can help you get through things. Knowing that other people are worse does not help one bit. Tell your mum that if she wants you to pull yourself together, she should make you into a pair of curtains. There's a lot of ignorance about it.

 

Good luck and courage to fight ot.

[Seraphim]

The vast majority of people have very little to no understanding of mental illness. Our families are also not trained therapists either. Unfortunately sometimes out of ignorance and fear and lack of education they can minimize or not validate feelings. And with parents there is guilt there too ,that they have done something wrong to cause their child pain so they try to deny that there is a problem.

 

Like Chi mentioned if you're going to a university there is a vast network of resources that you can tap into there. You can get the help you need if you look for it and we all have to be responsible and caring for our own health.

[Seraphim]

Also two there are different types of depression. And some types of depression are chemical imbalances. Those types of depression will never be cured with just therapy alone there has to be medication involved.

 

Treating the mind is just like treating a broken leg or treating cancer. And I know a lot of people get wigged out when it's about treating the mind. Because our mind is the essence of who we are. So there is a lot of ignorance and stigma around mental illness. But really it is just the same as treating illnesses of any kind within the body. But nobody would think twice about treating a broken leg because it is a leg and therefore even though we are attached to the leg we can have a measure of detachment as well.

 

The mind affects the body and an unhappy mind eventually causes problems within the body and causes other physical ailments.

 

So rise to the occasion and help yourself get better by seeking treatment. And then in seeking treatment hopefully you can help your family understand what mental illnesses is about and teach them how to validate your feelings.

 

I have PTSD and through treatment I have taught my family how to respond to me and how not to respond to me. I have taught them how to validate how I feel and how to stop minimizing my experience. Mind you this takes time . It took me about a year and a half to even get through to the people who love me the most. It takes time for people to learn to adjust and respond in different ways. Now those relationships are way better. I have taught the people I know how I want to be treated and to understand my mental illness. And it is not that my family did not care it was the fact that they had no education in mental illness and were not trained in how to help me. But my counselor taught me how to teach them how to help me. We can't expect our family to have the skills necessary to help with mental illness when they've had no training whatsoever. But we can help our families learn how to help us.

[lavenderdove]

Most universities have student mental health and health clinics or resources associated with them. If you have long standing depression, then at a minimum you probably need to get on medication of some kind. If you are over 18, you may be able to get doctor's visits free or low cost from the university services. And if you are still on your parent's insurance, your parents do not have to approve your medical care and you can go as an adult on their plan on your own without their approval. So if you have an insurance plan thru your parents you just need to find out he insurance plan numbers to use it. And most likely it is free or low cost thru your school, so investigate that.

 

Next, you say you are 'unable to work' because you are in school. Most people do work now some during school, whether that is part time work, or a full time job where they go to school via online problems, on nights, weekends etc. and via school loans. So if you truly decide you want to be independent, you can be. You are not reliant on your parents unless you choose to take that path and stay at home and rely on their financial resources rather than investigating ways to pay for school on your own.

 

Unfortunately, many people not only do not understand things like depression (they are not educated in it), but parents may also resent having to take care of what they consider adult children and just want you to get on with it and out of the house rather than depending on them financially. Legally, they absolutely do not have to support you past age 18, so anything after that is gravy. Unfortunately parenting doesn't require a license, and there are many parents who did it due to biological events and may have discovered they don't enjoy parenting or the responsibility and want their kids to move out at 18 and to become independent. And if you are still lingering at home after 18, and they are not educated about depression, then they are going to get very impatient for you to get out of the house and become an adult rather than depending on them with the expectation that you will live at home and drain their resources for many years of school while not actually graduating.

 

So this is a conflict of interest, and they may not be supportive, but the reality is you are indeed over 18 so in the end you are responsible for you rather than them. After 18, it is their choice to support your or not legally. And if they don't understand depression and in fact resent the fact that you are what they see as dawdling in school and not supporting yourself, this will create a point of friction.

 

So what do you do about it? First, you recognize you are now an adult, and as such you are responsible for your mental health issues and your parents are not. So if you have insurance, use it and go to the doctor and get medication and treatment. If you do not have insurance thru your parents, then you go to the mental health resources offered by the university. If you are already on meds and they are not working, then you have to work with your doctor and tell them it is not working so they can switch you to a different kind. It is sometimes tricky finding the right meds and they have to try them for a month or so to see if a particular kind is working, and switch you to something else it it's not until the find the one that works for you.

 

Next, once you feel a bit better, start investigating resources to get out of the house and on your own, whether that is a part time job, a full time job where you can go to school off hours, or student loans. You might also consider moving out to live with roommates rather than your parents if your parents are hindering your mental health.

 

But sadly, it is not a realistic expectation to just stay at home, fail out of school, and expect your parents to be totally sympathetic to your plight. It would be NICE if they were more helpful, but they are not going to mutate into people they are not, and may resent you lingering at home rather than taking adult responsibility for yourself. If you get a counselor perhaps you could have them come in for a session to discuss ways to work this out, but it really is up to you to assume responsibility for your mental health at your age and take the steps you need to become healthy without the expectation that your parents will behave a certain way just because you want them to. They are who they are, and you need to accept that at this point in your life you need to take the reins and start getting help for yourself rather than expecting them to do it.

[lavenderdove]

btw, one really important thing: depression is eminently fixable these days if you are willing to work with a doctor and step thru different medications until you find one that works with you. So you don't need to continue to suffer, and the root problem is you need to fix the depression, not fix your parents to accept that your depression. If you fix the depression, then both problems go away.

 

So all roads lead to the solution at this point being you get to the doctor and start a program to step thru various medications and treatments until you find one that works for you. and if your parents refuse to be supportive, then as an adult, you probably need to quit trying to talk to your parents about it and instead get to the doctor to discuss a plan. If you have flunked a year and your parents are getting stressed that you'll never leave home and get out on your own, you probably need to also make plans to move out and into a house/apt. with some other students who have similar issues and goals that you do. Your parent's goal right now is probably to launch you out of their house and into being an adult, while you are trying to stay in a 'protected' state living off them and their resources, and that is going to cause conflict. So you need to get with a doctor and come up with a plan to resolve the depression, then also work on a plan to get out of your house ASAP and at a minimum get a part time job and start earning income so that you can move out and not be dependent on them.

 

I've known many young adults who have very conflicted relationships with parents from trying to live in their parents house and be supported past when they turn adults, and as soon as they move out and stop draining the parental resources, the parents are much more supportive of them because the resentments and stress fades. Parents of college aged children are starting to worry very much about how they are going to support themselves in retirement, and every month you spend at home with them continuing to have to provide money to support you rather than you getting out and supporting yourself, fills them with fear and anxiety about their own old age ability to support themselves sufficiently in retirement when they get too old to work.

 

So you need to also think about them as people rather than just as parents, and see that they have concerns for themselves of their own. So it is really time for you to start framing yourself mentally as an adult rather than as their child, and assume responsibility for your mental health by talking to a medical professional about it rather than talking to your parents about it and expecting them to 'do something' about it and to continue to support you 100% financially while you flunk out of school.

 

As an adult, most of your emotional support and connections will be from people who are NOT your parents, but are friends and partners/spouses. So it is time to start transferring your expectations for emotional support from your parents to other people, and you need to get out of the house and start forming those bonds in order to do so. And time to start transferring your expectations for financial support from your parents to yourself, whether that is working jobs or getting student loans (or both) to support yourself.

[Man with Dog]

I don't know about the USA but in the UK even part-time minimum wage jobs are at a premium. Some people need to study harder than others because of the course they are doing or other reasons. I'm very glad I did not need to work during term-time at uni but in those days I got a near-full grant.

 

At least in some societies, many parents don't want to kick their kids out at 18 and are prepared to help them financially until they finish their studies. Yes, I miss having money for holidays and hobbies but even though our daughter is over 18, we wouldn't have it any other way.

[SooSad33]

Awww, that's sad I am sorry for her response this way... and she so needs to read up on depression.

This does not help you!

 

Yes, getting some professional help can help you. I've been there numerous times. So, don't listen to someone who's being too stubborn to understand it.

 

If you haven't seen a professional, I suggest you do get in to one, soon. So you can work on dealing with it and coping with it.

Then you can also have them 'back you up' and be able to 'prove' it's depression you've got and hopefully mom will back off.

 

You need to try and understand, those that do not have it, cannot always understand what it's like having it. No, it is not easy and so very low at times. A constant battle.

 

We cannot just 'wish it away'. If we could, we would!, right?

 

So, first things first, get in to see someone. Counsellor, psychiatrist, etc. Go from there.

As mentioned, won't hurt to try and get mom to read up on depression.

 

Good luck

[lavenderdove]

^^At least in some societies, many parents don't want to kick their kids out at 18 and are prepared to help them financially until they finish their studies.

 

But the reality is you are not her parent, and many parents have a very different attitude, even within cultures as to how much 'help' or support they are willing to provide adult children.

 

Part of being successful in life is really observing the world and looking at the particular realities that affect your own life, and making choices and decisions that pertain to you and not to unrealistic expectations based on what happens for OTHER people and not yourself or what you think SHOULD happen based on cultural norms.

 

So in this case, if she looks at her life and knows she has long standing depression, and her parents refuse to acknowledge that as the source of the problem and refuse to be supportive, then she is going to have to get help for herself rather than expecting her parents to do it. And if she is over 18, she is well able to reach out and get that help for herself. And why keep crying to her parents about it when that won't fix her depression, but a trip to the doctor and medications and therapies will?

 

She's trying to drink from a dry well there which is a waste of time, and in her particular case, since her parents are unsupportive, rather than spending more time crying about that or banging the table and insisting they should be better parents and more supportive, she needs to recognize that won't work (and hasn't worked) so she needs to reach out on her own as an adult and visit the doctor and get treatment from professionals rather than expecting her parents to understand or 'fix' her or this situation.

 

So everyone can argue for years that her parents 'should' want to support her thru school and 'should' accept her depression as a valid reason why why she flunked and 'should' continue to support her for life if necessary, but the reality is these particular parents are just not going to do that. And the real source of her problem is fixing her depression and not trying to fix her parents to accept her depression.

 

So the shortest and most effective solution here is for her to actively pursue treatment and assume responsibility for herself, and also to actively look for ways to get out of her parents house as soon as possible and to form bonds with other people for emotional support since her parents are a dry well on that subject.

 

You can stand over a dry well screaming forever about how thirsty you are and how awful it is the well has run dry, but it won't provide you with water or quench your thirst. Nor as an adult is it realistic to stand over the well screaming you're thirsty and expect someone else to go find you water and lug the bucket over to where you are standing. And a parent standing there patting your hand and saying, 'so sorry you are thirsty honey, let's all just stand here until you feel better' won't fix the problem either. The solution is to recognize that you need to abandon the dry well and find the water you need elsewhere. And the water this OP needs now will be found with professional doctors/therapies rather than continuing to cry to her parents about how depressed she is.

[PeopleOfTheSun]

This hasn't been mentioned but if you have depression you can get on a disability pension or benefits in most 1st world countries. You will need to fill out a lot of forms and have a psychologist/psychiatrist sign of on those forms and you will have to have a interview with your countries social security.

 

Its a lot of work but does give you some financial independence. I think it's worth investigating just for the fact you will have a little bit of money that is yours not your parents.

 

Good luck and I wish you well with your mental health

[Man with Dog]

I think the level of support from the medical profession is different in different countries. For one thing in the UK counselling is very expensive and the NHS gives you so few sessions that you never get close to sorting out the problem.

 

To the OP, yes, if there are facilities at your place of study, PLEASE use them.

 

I don't know whether your parents are actually toxic or just unhelpful. If they are toxic then look at some way of living somewhere else. I have to admit that as someone with depression and a wife who has, being helpful isn't always the right thing. When my wife sufferred, I just picked up the jobs that she didn't do and our daughter asked me whenever she wanted anything. So all I was doing was exhausting myself while all I was doing for my wife was papering over the cracks.

 

Maybe it is best not to engage your family in discussions if they can't offer anything constructive. Friends aren't always tolerant, either.

 

Honestly, I find forums like this very helpful as there's loads of us that are there or been there. If you rant on too much, we can always page down. If you rant on to people in your life, you may try their patience. I've discovered the hard way that people in general are not as patient as I am.

[lavenderdove]

>>For one thing in the UK counselling is very expensive and the NHS gives you so few sessions that you never get close to sorting out the problem.

 

The majority of lingering and long lasting depressions such as she describes are biochemical and need medication rather than talk therapy, which the NHS can and will easily prescribe for her.

[bluemoon]

Hi thank you for your lengthy reply, I have become independent before but due to personal reasons had to move back into the house. It was not through my own choice.

My university course is very high pressured and demanding and with the depression on top of that I have not been able to perform to my best abilities. With this course, we are recommended to not take on more than 10 hours work a week- and that is assuming you are able to function normally. I work 5 hours a week and that alone is not enough to support me financially. My parents do not pay anything for me- other than allowing me to live under their roof, we live in a big house where space is not the option. I pay for my medication, most meals, college supplies and transportation on my own. Luckily enough, the government here covers most of the university costs and luckily enough the university provides free healthcare that I have been utilising.

 

Failing out of college is not a realistic solution, but rather a reality at the moment due to my poor performance and decline and mental health.

Money is a big deal in my family, so much that the quality of life is reduced in exchange for a lesser, a seeming 'bargain'. We are middle class. I don't expect my parents to hug me and shower me with love and grand gestures, but I expect what one should expect from a family and that is basic support and to stop trying to sweep things under a rock, because right now there is only so much I can do to help myself.

[bluemoon]

I don't know about the USA but in the UK even part-time minimum wage jobs are at a premium. Some people need to study harder than others because of the course they are doing or other reasons. I'm very glad I did not need to work during term-time at uni but in those days I got a near-full grant.

 

At least in some societies, many parents don't want to kick their kids out at 18 and are prepared to help them financially until they finish their studies. Yes, I miss having money for holidays and hobbies but even though our daughter is over 18, we wouldn't have it any other way.

 

thank you for your post I hope your daughter is getting on well! I'm only a year older than her and have lived away from home for a year and had to move back home against my own choice. I moved cities and there's a drastic difference in rent so I could not afford it.

 

I wanted to take out a student loan, but my parents insisted I would not get myself into that. Living with my parent would not be that bad if my mother wasn't emotionally unstable. Most of my life I have received the other end of the stick of this as she does not take responsibility for her emotions. It is just completely tiring and draining.

[bluemoon]

another response, i am actively pursuing my recovery. I have made trips to the doctors, and made avail of counselling at my university.

Doctor has been helpful, counselling not so much. I have been prescribed medication, but due to my financial situation at the moment have not been able to re-purchase them as I had other to prioritise transport costs and food. I have also discovered another health issue that explains my constant lethargy and why I am easily worn out. It's little baby steps one by one and I'm making progress.

Counselling is not the right medium for tackling my cognitive thinking pattern, however it might be good in suggesting ways I could cope at home.

 

 

You are absolutely right in everything that you have said and I really do appreciate your input. Though I did not go into much detail in my post.

I have learned to not 'cry' to my parents any more when it comes to my depression. I don't talk to them about any of my feelings - or any advice I need because it backfires on me.

 

I can not afford therapy, or to move out from home unless I drop out of college and seek full-time employment. Then I would loose the gov university aid for when I was to continue my studies. A loan is not an option because alone for 1 year it would cost approx £5000 in just rent alone.

 

I'm stuck at home, the environment is toxic and since I can't do the two things that would help me most I have learn to deal otherwise.. so I would really just like to learn how to toughen up and get my together and learn if there was any other way I could regain some strength and motivation for the things I used to love doing without having to spend any money.

[bluemoon]

This hasn't been mentioned but if you have depression you can get on a disability pension or benefits in most 1st world countries. You will need to fill out a lot of forms and have a psychologist/psychiatrist sign of on those forms and you will have to have a interview with your countries social security.

 

Its a lot of work but does give you some financial independence. I think it's worth investigating just for the fact you will have a little bit of money that is yours not your parents.

 

Good luck and I wish you well with your mental health

 

Ah that's a very good idea! Thank you for suggesting that, I shall look into it

[bluemoon]

This forum is great! I am at a point where I try to minimize these discussions offline and this platform has helped a lot.

I think one of the fundamentals of recovery is having some sort of support. Even if the other person doesn't understand just knowing that they are there and they are trying to understand to their best ability helps. I think I am lucky to be self-aware and introspective (maybe this is also a bit of a curse) and that I have recognised early that I was unhappy, and figured out what was making me unhappy and why. My mother suffered from a very traumatic childhood and I think she is still suffering it's vices. Her coping mechanism is denial and believing it was 'all for the best'. This has made her emotionally distant from dealing with a similar situation that could involves her re-living this past memory she is trying to suppress for example when I try to explain to her calmly how and why her actions upset me. Her moods change from hour to hour and it's literally like walking on eggshells.

I just want to avoid conflict at home because it's not good for me and I'm sure my mum doesn't enjoy it either. Have you any advice?

[chitown9]

Bluemoon, I do have some advice for you. My mother also had emotional issues and this is my suggestion to you: love her. Listen to her and learn to understand her. Put your own issues aside ant take the time to do this. Like you, she needs someone to support her and understand her.​ You will be surprised at the results. chi

[bluemoon]

Bluemoon, I do have some advice for you. My mother also had emotional issues and this is my suggestion to you: love her. Listen to her and learn to understand her. Put your own issues aside ant take the time to do this. Like you, she needs someone to support her and understand her.​ You will be surprised at the results. chi

 

thank you chi, that was helpful