Friendship problems with T

[renaissancewoman101]

It's been quite awhile since I've posted about friendship issues with T and his bf. For a little background, I've been close friends with T since college (we've been close friends for almost 20 years now). I dated T in college but things didn't work out because he was gay. He has bf who I have a tenuous friendship with too. He has been with his bf since he and I stopped dating. T asked me to stay in his life even after he came out. His bf and I have always had a rocky understanding. I've been more of the understanding one. I let him run the show on occasions and I do try to smooth things over by treating him out and such if the situation calls for it. We hang out together as a group most weekends, but there have been times when his bf gets jealous about the whole thing.

 

T and I have a close friendship. We talk on the phone daily and I spend weekends with him and his bf. I do have my own hobbies (skydiving, traveling, etc), so I have friends there too (and I do things with those friends too). I also work full time but I try not to have close work friendships (since I've been burned by that in the past).

 

For the last few years, things were ok. T's bf had issues about his friendship with me, but then T's bf decided to rekindle a close friendship with an ex-relationship of his. That meant that he would be on the phone long hours, texting and chatting with his old flame. He also went to visit his old flame on occasions. T and I spent more time with each other and I would stay over on weekends, as usual. We also talk on the phone for an hour or so when he walks the dog. T stayed with his bf (even though he was emotionally cheating with an ex on the side). When the bf was around, we would hang out as a group. There was always an uneasy "truce" between his bf and I. There were a few times that it exploded into major arguments but T has always wanted me to stay in his life and has stood up to his bf about that. His bf, on the other hand, has cheated on him numerous times.

 

Now to the present. I'm not sure if this may have been something that caused major issue. T has been busy with work lately and his parents came to visit a while back (which caused some issues between him and his bf). My brother got married this past May and I took T as my date. We did clear it with his bf and he was ok with it (although looking back at this, he may have been extremely jealous, I dunno). T's bf was also have an emotional affair with an ex-relationship of his, that ended recently because the ex bf found a new guy and got married to him, thus ending his ties to T's bf. T's bf was hurt by that.

 

Things seem to have changed since I took T to my brother's wedding (although changes were starting before that). T's bf's parents are staying with them for a few months, and that usually upsets the routine of me staying over. I've also been trying to not come over ever weekend since we all don't do much except go out to dinner and hang out, and I fall asleep there. After the wedding, T's bf decided to have a major blowup and now I haven't been allowed to come back over to visit or to stay over. T and I still talk on the phone daily but he has cut down our phone time. He has also stopped walking the dog for long hours (he was telling me that he liked walking the dog for hours because it got him out of the house and out of his bf's angry moods). T says nothing has changed (we do talk on the phone) and he says I will be able to come hang out again once the parents leave. We did work out that maybe it wasn't a good idea that I stay overnight there for a while.

 

I'm not sure what to believe. I don't want to lose my friendship with T and he promises that that won't happen. He is my confidante and I trust him more than I trust my parents. There have been other things that worry me. For one thing, T finally got a FB page (I know his bf helped him put it together). For a while there, he was using my FB to look up old friends and such, but I got sick of him doing. I know T uses his FB page to keep in tough with his sister and to see his sister's pics of his nephew. His bf has stopped communicating with me, even to acknowledge me. I sent him an FYI today since I ordered them dog food for the dog, since they are running low. I usually buy the dog food for the dog since he is partly my dog too.

 

T says things will get back to normal once his bf's parents leave. I hope so. Also, T says part of this is caused by my inabilty to get along with his bf. I try my darndest to get along with his bf, to the point I treat him out on occasion, etc. He likes to stir up trouble and blame me.

 

I just want things to get back to normal as before where we hung out on weekends (even if I don't stay over), and I want to be able to still talk to T on the phone on a daily basis. I worry that if something happens to me and I need him, he won't be there for me. The last few years, he's actually been there for me, when I had problems with my parents, and when I broke my leg and needed his help to keep the truth from my parents.

 

I want to trust T that things will get back to normal sooner or later. We've been in each other's lives for almost 20 years. It would hurt a lot if that were to end.

[petite]

The whole relationship dynamic between the three of you seems dysfunctional. I think you spend way too much time with them on the weekends and it would stir up problems in any relationship, especially if you are also sleeping over.

 

It's just so much codependency you and T have. You need to step away from him, and he needs to step away from you, but also away from his boyfriend. The whole cheating thing, the ex's that stuff is just too much.

Maybe his boyfriend doesn't want you over most weekends, maybe he wants the freedom of spending weekends alone with T, because that's what couples do without having T's ex (you) around.

 

 

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[renaissancewoman101]

Actually, I wouldn't mind NOT staying overnight there any more. As I grow older, I tend to like to sleep in my own place more. There were times recently that I would want to leave at night and T would beg me to stay overnight, so I would. No, I do not share a bed with them. I sleep downstairs on the couch. Tim sleeps either upstairs in his room or downstairs in the easy chair in front of the TV. His bf has his own room.

 

I know it is a weird friendship that we have. I do have my life too where I have friends and do stuff on weekends during the day.

[itsallgrand]

I'm sorry, Ren, I agree with Petite.

 

It's really hard to change something that has gone on so long. Very true. But what if you did? What might happen? You needn't cut T totally out of your life completely. You could actually end up with a stronger, better version of the friendship at the end.

 

It's almost like T is partially filling in for boyfriend/husband for you in your life. Nothing sexual, but the other bits. The companion and best friend who you see and spend time with virtually every day. Who warms up a house for you. Who you share every day details with - like say, dog food for the dog.

 

On a very practical note, sorry if this makes me sound like my mind is always in the gutter but, if you are there almost every week end staying over - - no passionate loud over the house sex for them ever in their own home on weekends?? I'd get cranky with a bfs friend over that one alone. Ok, that's a side thought, but what Petite said ; it's understandable where Ts bf is coming from on this.

[renaissancewoman101]

Itsallgrand, I am afraid of change. I guess that is a big part of it. Yes, T fills the "bf/husband" role for me in the emotional sense, and has been for awhile. I do know I can meet people and have relationships. I've done it in the past (even with T in the background as friend), but change scares me a lot.

 

Your sex thought brought a chuckle to me. I do see his bf's POV and I'm ok with the "not staying overnight" anymore, since there were times I wanted to go home to my own bed, but T would beg me to stay over.

 

It is a very confusing and (codependent) relationship as Petite said.

[mhowe]

Sounds like "Will and Grace".

[petite]

Change is scary for most people. And we all enjoy the comforts we are used to better than flipping a switch. But you need to do this for yourself.

 

T has the best of both worlds a bf and you. You know how he has treated you in the past when you wanted to do your own thing, he is selfish and self centered. Everything is about him and his bf.

 

You must set boundaries. Doesn't matter how much he begs or whatever you go home, you don't see them often, you act like a normal friend without all that codependency and being all up in each others business.

 

You have to look after YOURSELF, before anyone else.

 

And if he knows your Facebook passwords and such, change it! He isn't your husband, he doesn't need to have access to anything that is personal to you.

 

 

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[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, T has treated me badly in the past. But he has gotten better. He doesn't take advantage of me monetarily as much, any more. If I do buy hime something, it's something small like a cookie or chocolate or maybe some food. He was A LOT worse when he was in college and in the years before he met his bf. Just a few weeks ago, he actually treated my uncle and I out to dinner when we all met up the day after my brother's wedding.

 

I'm not sure what I want. I do NOT want T's bf to be out of his life. He keeps T on an even keel. Before T met his bf, T could be a real jerk. His bf helps to even him out. I just don't understand, why after almost 15 years of T's bf knowing me and having me in their lives, that he now wants a change.

 

I'm not sure if I do know how to have a friendship with them without all the codependent stuff (since it has been so built in since the beginning). T still calls me every day and we chat on and off for about an hour.

 

I dunno. I DO know I don't want all of him for myself because he can be a real butthead at times. I just don't want him to leave my life. Not sure if people can understand that.