Any singles ever feel this way?

[Blue Spiral]

I've always felt the opposite...I'm overwhelmed by the number of hot single women out there. The marriage postponement rate and divorce rate create a nigh-endless supply of them! When I see married women, they tend to be women that I would...not be attracted to. I think a lot of women start getting back in shape after a breakup/divorce.

 

Now, obviously, I'd never have a long-term chance with these women, given how many options they have...but I wasn't looking for anything long-term, so it was all good.

[Throwaway999]

I've always felt the opposite...I'm overwhelmed by the number of hot single women out there. The marriage postponement rate and divorce rate create a nigh-endless supply of them! When I see married women, they tend to be women that I would...not be attracted to. I think a lot of women start getting back in shape after a breakup/divorce.

 

Now, obviously, I'd never have a long-term chance with these women, given how many options they have...but I wasn't looking for anything long-term, so it was all good.

 

It isn't really the same. If you are going purely by physical attractiveness, sure, there are plenty of good-looking women out there. But if you start narrowing it down to physically attractive women who would ALSO be attracted to you (ie: that you have a chance with), and who ALSO have qualities x, y, and z that you are looking for in a relationship, then the field narrows considerably.

 

It's like when you travel to another city or country and you think "Whoah, the women here are GORGEOUS!" I don't think it's necessarily that there are really more good-looking women there than where you came from, it's just that they are a blank slate and you don't have any preconceived ideas about them or your chances with them. I mean, I could probably go to a number of places in my town right now where there are going to be a lot of good-looking women around, but I also know that those places aren't "my scene" and while the women there may be physically attractive I'm not going to have anything in common with them, and they probably wouldn't be interested from their end, either.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, one is recently divorced and wants nothing serious at all. The others we keep it casual and don't go out that often but it's very casual with them, both ways. If they showed more effort I would talk with them but I know for a fact they all date other men also.

 

That statement about taking them away may give the wrong impression to them, meaning I don't want to take the chance at having them think I am looking for more.

 

Ah, I understand. Thanks for the clarification. Why date these women casually if you aren't interested in them long-term?

 

I'm trying to reconcile that. Back when I dated, I only dated for long-term potential. I felt like being in something casual didn't give me the emotional availability to meet someone more seriously.

[Blue Spiral]

It isn't really the same. If you are going purely by physical attractiveness, sure, there are plenty of good-looking women out there. But if you start narrowing it down to physically attractive women who would ALSO be attracted to you (ie: that you have a chance with), and who ALSO have qualities x, y, and z that you are looking for in a relationship, then the field narrows considerably.

 

I found a lot of physically attractive women that were attracted to me. Obviously, I skipped the relationship part, so none of that was a concern. It just seemed easier that way...call me a pragmatist.

[DerekJason]

Why does this challenge your perception of yourself?

 

I've always found this notion of instant connection interesting but personally not required. The times I have felt an "instant connection" it's between torturous and disastrous. Friends first and/or slow growth attraction has always worked best for me. My fiance and I didn't have an instant connection when we first met. But it's grown exponentially and I can't imagine my life with anyone else.

 

Eh I guess I phrased it wrong, it's more of a "should have known that was coming" every time i meet someone that I really really like (which doesn't happen often).

 

Quick example, last Saturday I ran into a girl for the third time, not coincidence as my band was playing at a venue by where she lives an hour away in Philadelphia. She's married, and I knew that the first two times I saw her. I straight up asked her if she had someone the very first time we met, and of course she said yes. No biggie, then I ran into her again, and again was just head over heels for this girl, and it took longer to get her out of my head. This last time, her husband wasn't there, so she was talking to me a little more, all smiles, telling me how she liked specific parts that I play in certain songs. For a guitar player it really is nice when someone (especially a girl that you're very fond of) compliments you on particular parts that you play.

 

It's much more than just looks with her tho. I mean I do find her classically beautiful, like she needs zero make up to achieve beauty. Just a really sweet woman, BUT she's married to some dude with a big gross beard. Blah.

[Ms Darcy]

What is it about her that so intrigues you. Can you expand on that?

[DerekJason]

What is it about her that so intrigues you. Can you expand on that?

 

Well after only being in her presence three times, she just carries herself like she's a very positive person, has always been super friendly to me, supportive to the band by buying a lot of merch (not that it's important, but she likes the music), the thing I mentioned before about her not only liking what i do on guitar, but pointing out very specific things.

 

At the risk of sounding cliche, she has a smile that can light up the room, the whole "eyes are the window to the soul" thing, they're big and beautiful. I seriously shut everything out when I see her, and hear a choir of angels singing. Just so sweet, unlike many (not all) girls I've been with. She just makes me heart melt. Last time this happened, was 3 years ago, and this other girl was also married. Took two years to get over that one.

[Ms Darcy]

A couple of thoughts. I get hit on much more when I am in a relationship. I suspect it's probably because I am much more smiley, comfortable with, and complimentary towards men in general. It may not occur/matter to me that the other might grow feelings.

[Fudgie]

I have been hit on, both when single and in a relationship, when I am feeling good about myself and life. It had very little to do with my relationship status and more about my attitude. Positivity is infectious and everyone wants that.

 

It's best to not let yourself think of attached people in such romantic terms. They aren't attainable. Don't torture yourself with these thoughts and fantasies.

 

Sent from Tapatalk

[Ms Darcy]

Personally, my point isn't that my relationship status impacts my happiness. Rather it impacts the tone of my interaction with potentially single men. For example I dole out compliments to guy friends at work often and don't worry about that being seen as interest since they have met my fiance or at least know about him. If I were single I probably would not compliment so much so as not to be viewed as flirting.

[DerekJason]

Interesting points.

 

It's best to not let yourself think of attached people in such romantic terms. They aren't attainable. Don't torture yourself with these thoughts and fantasies.

 

I know, my stupid brain sometimes goes haywire with fantasies.

[xb0x]

I totally understand what DerekJason is going through, I also like a girl who is attached. But for me that means it's a NO GO no matter what. She's taken buddy, and would you really want to be number #2? That guy who sleeps with taken women. I think not.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Feeling this way. Yes. Just turned 40 last week. When I turned 30, everyone said "the 30's are the best!", and they were for the most part. But when i turned 40, everyone said "Getting old sucks. There's no going back now!" Plus, everyone is married. Or divorced with children. Really, can't see myself raising some other man's kids. Sorry ladies. So the pool of mates is more like a puddle evaporating in the mid day sun. Friends all married and gone, for all intents and purposes (unless of course I go to their houses and stand around talking about their kids, their home renovations, their wives, etc (shoot me in the face please).

 

I ask people if they know any single ladies, they always say "No", but I know that they probably do, but just don't care enough to help make the connection. Indeed, married people don't give a damn about single people. They forget, or have no idea how hard it is to find someone, so they just blow it off.

[wsim]

I totally feel the same sentiments. After a lifetime of failure in the dating game, the reality is that the good ones are usually taken (no surprise) or women that are great catches will get snatched up pretty quickly. The pool of available single women is decreasing rapidly, and it is very rare that I come accross a single women around my age. Most are engaged, married, have children or are in long-term relationships. The main reason why my social group has dwindled to almost nothing is because most have settled down and moved on in their lives. The truth is that I need to meet new people and find like-minded singles.

 

Very rarely would someone introduce me to a single friend of theirs. They are just not that many around within their social groups when you reach your late 20s. It is best not to think about it and try to make the most out of life, single or not.

 

It is relatively easy for me to accept that dating/relationships are not for me. I have never been hit on or had any women actually want to get to know me better.

[Rosti87]

There is nothing wrong in expanding ones social circle to include people who live the same lifestyle as you. There are plenty of people that live this way.

 

If most of your friends are married why not add some variety by socializing with others like yourself. You probably feel less down plus it opens up more possibilities of meeting singles that fit your criteria.

[Dazed Confused1607309477]

If you haven't, do a youtube search for 29/31 by garfunkel and oates. Very relevant.

 

It makes sense. By the you are 40 if you are at all interested in marriage or a marriage like state and have the sense to pick right and the ability to hold a relationship together odds are you are in one and off the market. If you are not married yet, odds are there is a very good reason for it.

 

Take 100 people. Lets say 80 are married by 40 [perhaps more]

1 will be asexual

Let us say another 2 will be females who won't date because of past abuse/baggage

Another 2 who never leave the house and you will never meet them.

Of the remaining 15, half lets say will be involved

Of the last 7 or 8, take out those who will get married and divorced over and over [always the other person's fault]

Those who are just too nuts to get involved with

Those with 5 kids from 5 different fathers.

The truly hideous or annoying or whatever.

Those who don't like you.

Those who don't like anyone who isn't George Clooney or Brad Pit or whatever

etc

 

I know a guy in his mid 40's. Has all the boxed ticked off. Self Employed, Owns home, Artistic. reasonable looking, social etc. He gave up after his last girlfriend.

[BirthInReverse]

I always wonder how so many women in relationships got there, as many are not really beautiful (not necessarily ugly, but nothing extraordinary) and they often are really naggy. Their personalities don't strike me as anything special either, rather, they often conform to negative female cliches. I simply assume they didn't show that side initially.

 

I suspect taken women may still seem more attractive because

1. Taken women have no pressure to impress. They are in a relationship already, so they may relax around other men. A result of this is being more friendly, not having sexual tension make them awkward. Women can be intimated by men too, feel shy, and clam up, which can make us seem less approachable or just less attractive (as our personalities are not shining through). But when dating someone, we may lose the awkwardness, and all of a sudden our natural charm is on display and men notice us. When I have had boyfriends, I notice I get MORE male attention than when I was single. I think it's because I feel more secure & confident & that's obviously more attractive.

 

2. Demonstration of value by being taken - someone wants her, so she must be good! But if she is single, then what is wrong with her? Consciously and intellectually we may reject this, but I think it is an emotional response that occurs. A person is seen as desirable when there is proof they are currently desired. In a more literal way, you also get to see them in the significant other role in action, even if it's not towards you.

 

3. Taken women are in relationships because they were good at attracting someone & getting them to commit, not because they are necessarily better at a relationship. This explains the unextraordinary nags... Some people may not be good at attracting or selling themselves for commitment, but may make excellent partners. The taken people are attractive to you because they are good at that, but that doesn't mean they are necessarily better partners (the stuff that goes on in private that you don't see).

 

Personally, I do not find myself attracted more to taken men (almost never so). I do tend to choose "unavailable" people. They are single men, but there is some hurdle that makes them an unrealistic and even improbable or impossible choice for a partner. I suspect I do this to avoid the pains of a real relationship....I choose someone for a fantasy, basically.

 

That may also be what you are doing - focusing on taken people as a way of avoiding a real relationship. Again, this may not be conscious, but a sort of emotional sabotage because of deep fears about yourself or others.

[sonicfan287]

A couple of thoughts. I get hit on much more when I am in a relationship. I suspect it's probably because I am much more smiley, comfortable with, and complimentary towards men in general. It may not occur/matter to me that the other might grow feelings.

 

That's an interesting paradox you brought up, Ms. Darcy and I just thought it needed further discussion. I never thought about it that way and you followed up with a later comment so I'll use that as well. Assuming that the general rules of attraction are similar in women and men (which I know they're not, I know there are differences for what we each look for in a mate), a lot of people who display open confidence or even just comfortability in who they are, are people in relationships or married people (assuming their marriage is going well). I very rarely put that together but much like this poster, I've met a handful of women whom I've had some or more interest in and in every case they were taken. Otherwise, they were completely different people with different personalities but without knowing they were taken, they each possessed something I somehow found attractive. It's not to say I've never fallen for a single woman because I have but lately, it seems more common to be the latter, which is of course, ironic.

 

Even in my own life, the few times I've been taken, I've felt this way. In general, I'm always nervous talking to women, but when I had a relationship, i was so much less nervous because, as mentioned, I didn't feel pressure or a need to flirt with someone. I was never hit on while taken (or single for that matter) but I felt a lot more chemistry conversationally speaking because I was just a lot more loose and not worried about "impressing" someone. I wish I could feel that way even without a girlfriend =/

[treesandbees]

Whenever you meet someone that you really like, they're taken?

 

I've been single for 3 years, dating a little here and there in the interim, and it seems every year or so i meet some fascinating lady and it turns out she's married, or has a dude. These are not girls i meet in passing, on a subway, in a store, or anything like that.

 

I'm totally over online dating, it is just not my thing.

 

Anybody?

 

Yeps, happens plenty to me too. I usually don't follow it up because I know by now there will be something so I just wait for the something to be known instead of going forward. Most of my dates are friend fix ups now, never used online dating.