Not sure about my boyfriend and I's future (graduating college soon)

[tygerwolf]

Hello everyone. I have had a lot on my mind lately about my relationship and I feel that a lot of it has to do with the fact that im graduating college soon and am hoping to move on to a new area in my life. (out of my parents house and towards having a family of my own!) But anyways, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. The way things seem, I will be graduating college before him. He still has about 2 years left and he is 30 years old.

 

But my problem has nothing to do with our age difference but of our expectations of the future and our stance on love. Im sort of a care-free openly loving person. However, I struggle to say it (even to my own family). I show it though and I am very affectionate and caring. I think I struggle with saying it mainly because my own family does not say it to each other. I have told my boyfriend I loved him once (I was the first to say it 6 months into our relationship) and it was very difficult for me. He still has never returned the sentiment. And I feel very insecure about saying it again. I sign my cards to him, "Love, Holly" And he sometimes does the same but we are still at this "love" standstill. I think he struggles with it too. In fact we had a conversation about what love means to us. And he told me honestly that he has only loved one woman before. (his ex-wife). He explained that he feels like he loves a woman when he takes care of her. He feels like he cant take care of or provide for anyone right now. (hes had to move back in with his parents for financial reasons.) I told him that love in my opinion is putting someone elses happiness, wants and needs before yourself is love to me. That was the last time we talked about it. 3 years later I find myself at an emotional bridge. My life is about to go in a new direction. Im thinking about the future now. By not telling me how he feels I feel that he is making it quite clear that he cannot care for me or put me before himself. Thats at least how I feel. And I feel like he is not making too much of an effort to get himself to a point when he can "love" me the way he says. He spends his money quite often (new computer, new car, new game system, ect) and he keeps putting off taking his entrance exams to nursing school... I dont know. I feel like he lives so much in the here and now.

 

Has anyone else ever had this struggle? Please? I want to share my life with him but I feel like hes not ready and doesn't know when he will be.

[Lovelavie]

3 years into a relationship and he says he doesn't love you yet? I'm sorry but this looks like it's not going to change... If he doesn't exactly love you by now, I don't think he will. He has already made it clear that he cannot care for you and he's probably not in a moment in his life to commit and take the relationship to the next stage, whereas you look forward to starting your own family.

 

I think it's time for you to move on and find someone who can make you truly happy and devote all his love to you.

[byanilla]

Hi tygerwolf. I appreciate your story regarding the situation between you and your boyfriend. What is important to you about "putting someone elses happiness, wants and needs" before yours? Has your boyfriend ever shown instances demonstrating this?

 

Also, I am concerned with the statement that he has honestly expressed his unmoved romantic feelings towards his ex-wife. Could you ask him what he values about "taking care of someone"? It's interesting that he defines love that way and how it could possibly mold into your definition of "putting someone else's happiness, etc" before yours. If he really "cares" about you--and caring is such an ambiguous term--then why has he not demonstrated such love to you?

 

In addition, you stated that he lives more in the "here and now" by delaying his nursing school exams. Perhaps you could ask him what the matter is? He may be feeling lost and unmotivated.

 

From what you're describing this situation, it sounds like you want a stable, sure man who can stick by your side. You want steady commitment, and your boyfriend's flakiness on the exams worry you because you see this flakiness carrying over to your future and your relationship.

 

Also, you mention a lack of honest communication: "By not telling me how he feels I feel that he is making it quite clear that he cannot care for me or put me before himself" --> What do you mean he doesn't tell you how he feels? Do you feel like he's holding something from you?

[catfeeder]

He's been married already, so he's probably not likely to walk that road again any time soon. Regardless of whether that's what you want from him right away, you're moving into the age range to consider things like marriage and your fertility while he's starting all over again after already getting burned.

 

This relationship sounds stiff and stifling rather than liberating and inspiring. I think I'd consider moving forward. Don't you deserve someone who's crazy about you and shows it? Even says it?

 

Head high, and congrats on your graduation.

[christwowheels]

Yeah, six months or so is about the point where if you both can't say "I love you," then maybe you should be saying "what are we doing here exactly?" I mean obviously he had a divorce quite young if he's been with you three years and is only 30, but still. If he can't figure out if he loves you after three years, his demons are holding him back.

 

At minimum, you should have a talk with him to figure out where exactly he sees himself in five years. What does he want with life? Is he happy living with his parents and his new video game system?

[tygerwolf]

Your absolutely right. I guess I am at the age now where I want to stable and sure man. My boyfriend just seems so unsure about a lot of things. His career, when he plans to move out, when he will be ready to marry again, when he wants kids, ect. I have asked him and he always says something like: "I dont know..." But sometimes he will refer to how he will be as a parent with his "future children" or his expectations in his next marriage. So obviously hes not closed off to the idea. I just feel liked hes not making any steps forward in a way that suggests that he sees me in his future other than our discussions about future vacations and Christmas's.

 

I have also asked him about why he puts off his exams. He has told me that he feels like he may not be good enough to get accepted and that he will be rejected. I have told him time and time again that he will make a very good nurse and that I have no doubt that he will be get accepted somewhere. I believe in him. But all the same, even if he doesnt not get in, I will believe in him just as much and love him all the same. I have even offered to help him study by giving him the time he needs to do so and have even helped him make a list of schools to apply to. He has not applied himself however.

 

Im starting to wonder if hes concerned I will get a job or internship out of state. Im getting my bachelors in animation. Most of my friends who have graduated often move to California and other states and get a job there. I have told him that if that happens that I want him to come with me. That I didn't want to leave him behind. He has said that is just depends on whats going on with his schooling... Out of state tuition for him would be expensive. And he just leaves it at that. But he has also mentioned to me that he wants to move away from our state.

 

He always gives me unsure answers about the future. I guess that on top of him never proclaiming his love makes me feel so unsure. I feel like the biggest decisions of my life will happen within the next 5 years or so. I know what I want. Hes just so unclear about where he stands... And as far as he feels? I feel like hes demonstrated that he loves me with his actions but I do feel like he is guarding his heart. He never talks about feelings in any way. With anyone.

 

Also, my boyfriend did get married very young. He was divorced at my age. They married when he was in the Air Force and were only married for about a year but together for 5. She cheated on him while he was deployed and took a lot of money from him.

[Ms Darcy]

In fact we had a conversation about what love means to us. And he told me honestly that he has only loved one woman before. (his ex-wife). He explained that he feels like he loves a woman when he takes care of her. He feels like he cant take care of or provide for anyone right now. (hes had to move back in with his parents for financial reasons.)

 

You know what, hon, you need to leave this relationship. What you are describing is not someone who struggles with saying that he loves you even though he feels it. He DOESN'T FEEL IT with you. It frankly doesn't matter WHY he doesn't feel it after THREE YEARS. Three years is well beyond enough time for him to have worked out his demons on his own.

 

I think you need to stop making excuses for him. He's not focused in his life (which is probably why he's dating a younger person to begin with because an older woman would be more marriage-minded and expect more of a focused man). That's not your issue and not your concern as to why. It's his deliberate choice.

 

You want more. The longer you stay the less you will get. I feel for you. Just walk out the door.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, six months or so is about the point where if you both can't say "I love you," then maybe you should be saying "what are we doing here exactly?" I mean obviously he had a divorce quite young if he's been with you three years and is only 30, but still. If he can't figure out if he loves you after three years, his demons are holding him back.

 

At minimum, you should have a talk with him to figure out where exactly he sees himself in five years. What does he want with life? Is he happy living with his parents and his new video game system?

 

Normally, I'd even give a guy up to a year. But honestly, I think he's just coasting and she's Ms Right Now. Talking to him about where he sees himself again is pointless.