Not enjoying being single

[maccerz]

So myself and my ex boyfriend broke up back in December, and my goal after all that was to be single of awhile and really enjoy myself but recently I'm just finding the whole thing quite miserable. Everyone around me seems to be so in love and I just really miss having that person who I can share everything with. I also have a massive fear that I'm never going to find anyone who loved me as much as my ex did, or who I will love as much as I used to love my ex. Or that I'll never find anyone at all. I'm just finding the whole experience very lonely. I know this is probably a fairly common feeling among single people but I'm just wondering how others deal with it? What do you do to make yourself feel better?

[Man with Dog]

Firstly be patient with yourself. 5 months is a very short time after a break-up and one person who I consider wise once told me it look 5 years. In some ways, I don't think everyone always gets over it completely, even if you go on to have a better and longer relationship with someone else.

 

Secondly, it IS difficult to enjoy being single after being in a relationship. You may find it strange coming from a bloke but casual sex isn't everyone's cup to tea, although I have to admit I missed sex a lot after a split. Neither is taking a holiday trip alone for everyone either. If you have friends in another place you can visit, now's the time to do it. Also it's a good time to explore new hobbies and revisit old ones.

 

At least these days, if there's really nothing better to do, you can always chat to us lot on the internet.

 

Good luck and take care.

[1a1a]

What meaningful, platonic connections do you share with people?

[Batya33]

What I did was make sure my life was filled with people I was close to and/or had fun/interesting times with, I kept busy with work, volunteer work, other activities, and I never told myself to be happy (long term) being single -I knew my goal was marriage and family so I worked hard on making sure I was meeting people who were either single, available men or the people who might know them. Because I had a fun, fulfilling life I was not desperate and didn't come accross that way when I met people (I know that because in my early-mid 20s I was far more so and had to get over that because that's the worst mindset to be in as far as being attractive to others).

[Man with Dog]

Switch the gender reference and I can second that. I also had a hobby that I could do on my own.

[maccerz]

What meaningful, platonic connections do you share with people?

I'm very close to my family and have a lot of really good friends, so I'm surrounded by a lot of good people. The problem is that the majority of my friends are in relationships so I just find myself thinking about it all a lot. And I find myself really missing my ex even though the relationship had gone very stale by the time we broke up and I was no longer happy. I suppose it's just a case of giving myself more time but I really thought I'd be loving single life by this point.

[maccerz]

What I did was make sure my life was filled with people I was close to and/or had fun/interesting times with, I kept busy with work, volunteer work, other activities, and I never told myself to be happy (long term) being single -I knew my goal was marriage and family so I worked hard on making sure I was meeting people who were either single, available men or the people who might know them. Because I had a fun, fulfilling life I was not desperate and didn't come accross that way when I met people (I know that because in my early-mid 20s I was far more so and had to get over that because that's the worst mindset to be in as far as being attractive to others).

Yeah I'm worried im in that mindset at the moment, that I'd go for any guy who shows me attention even if he's not particularly nice etc. I was never like this before but then I think when you've never had a relationship and you're single you don't know any different, but when you're single after a lovely relationship you know what you're missing out on. I do a lot of activities etc with my friends and family but it's all just a distraction and when I'm on my own I get sad again. I used to love just having time to myself and now I'm terrified of it. I'm hoping it's just a phase and I'll snap out of it soon!

[nutbrownhare]

I'm very close to my family and have a lot of really good friends, so I'm surrounded by a lot of good people. The problem is that the majority of my friends are in relationships so I just find myself thinking about it all a lot. And I find myself really missing my ex even though the relationship had gone very stale by the time we broke up and I was no longer happy. I suppose it's just a case of giving myself more time but I really thought I'd be loving single life by this point.

 

Five months really isn't very long - if you concentrate on developing the positive things in life then it will, slowly but surely, get better. Though even some of us who've been happily single for ages will have odd days when we'd like to have a partner; just as people who are in long-term, committed relationships may well have days when they envy single people their freedom.

 

Good luck! xxx

[Rosti87]

I'm very close to my family and have a lot of really good friends, so I'm surrounded by a lot of good people. The problem is that the majority of my friends are in relationships so I just find myself thinking about it all a lot. And I find myself really missing my ex even though the relationship had gone very stale by the time we broke up and I was no longer happy. I suppose it's just a case of giving myself more time but I really thought I'd be loving single life by this point.

 

Make new friends that are in the same situation as you are. Join Meetups with people that share your interests. I have developed a couple of friendships from doing this.

[Blueeyedgirl]

You haven't been single for that long. I didn't really enjoy being single at first, but then I LOVED it!

 

I learned so much about myself - what I wanted and didn't want - during this time. I've been single for about a year and a half and am now just getting back into seriously dating.

 

Of course it is not fun going from basically having sex/cuddles/kissing whenever you wanted to not, but you'll be ok

 

Just take my word for it - It gets better! I got to the point where I was so happy not having to deal with any type of relationship drama, doing what I wanted and not having to worry about anyone else.

 

Just be patient

[Sportster2005]

So myself and my ex boyfriend broke up back in December, and my goal after all that was to be single of awhile and really enjoy myself but recently I'm just finding the whole thing quite miserable. Everyone around me seems to be so in love and I just really miss having that person who I can share everything with. I also have a massive fear that I'm never going to find anyone who loved me as much as my ex did, or who I will love as much as I used to love my ex. Or that I'll never find anyone at all. I'm just finding the whole experience very lonely. I know this is probably a fairly common feeling among single people but I'm just wondering how others deal with it? What do you do to make yourself feel better?

 

I think one of the most dangerous things we can tell ourselves is that we will never find it again. This alone will ensure your existence is lonely and sad. The first thing I would do is refuse the idea this was 'the one'. There will be others. Not right now. It's been recent and you need time to heal and move on.

 

And yes it is difficult to fill the void in your life. You will have to lean on friends and family until you're back on your two feet. Then concentrate on being a happy single. And when that happens your entire perspective will change.

[maccerz]

Thanks for all your advice guys! It's all so helpful and has genuinely made me feel a lot better! I need to just give myself time and try to enjoy myself and my life! I'm hoping the time will come where I can look back at this thread and laugh at how silly I was being worrying about all this stuff!

[1a1a]

Seconding the advice to find some single friends. Stay friends with the partnered ones for sure but you need some people in the same boat as you as well and the process of doing social things that will lead to making friends will probably be fun too

[radiohead20]

So myself and my ex boyfriend broke up back in December, and my goal after all that was to be single of awhile and really enjoy myself but recently I'm just finding the whole thing quite miserable. Everyone around me seems to be so in love and I just really miss having that person who I can share everything with. I also have a massive fear that I'm never going to find anyone who loved me as much as my ex did, or who I will love as much as I used to love my ex. Or that I'll never find anyone at all. I'm just finding the whole experience very lonely. I know this is probably a fairly common feeling among single people but I'm just wondering how others deal with it? What do you do to make yourself feel better?

 

I totally understand that fear - happened to me too. however you have to realize that you are still coping with the loss of what you have, and that you what you had with him seems like the best now, but someone better could come by and completely change things, it HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. you are emotionally attached to the experience of him.

 

I don't know old you are but if you are in your 20's and fairly attractive then get out there and meet new people - it should help a little, although it takes time. Also, you are at a huge huge advantage just by virtue of being a women, if you want a brief fling or start dating to get the mind off him (it works) just dress up a little with your friends and go places.

[maccerz]

I'm just looking back on old posts and I wanted to once again thank everyone in here so much for all the advice. I'm in a much happier place now! I'm really enjoying being single and focusing on myself. For anyone reading this who might be feeling how I was a few months ago all I can say is keep going, these feelings come in waves (i think that might be a song haha but its true!) and you may have a period of hours/days/weeks/months where u feel sad and lonely but they will pass! and it'll probably happen again, and again, but everytime it happens the feelings last for a shorter amount of time until eventually these sad feelings pop into your mind for a minute or 2 and then they're gone again.. give yourself time lovely people x

[hodgeheg]

I'm glad you're starting to feel happy single. It's a hard road but definitely worth it for the amount you learn about yourself and the amount of self-respect you gain

[Rosti87]

OP.

 

I'm just curious. How often in your adult life have you been single? And when you were how long? Sometimes if a person has not been single and has always had some one it can be doubly hard to adjust.

[Jean-Luc]

So myself and my ex boyfriend broke up back in December, and my goal after all that was to be single of awhile and really enjoy myself but recently I'm just finding the whole thing quite miserable. Everyone around me seems to be so in love and I just really miss having that person who I can share everything with. I also have a massive fear that I'm never going to find anyone who loved me as much as my ex did, or who I will love as much as I used to love my ex. Or that I'll never find anyone at all. I'm just finding the whole experience very lonely. I know this is probably a fairly common feeling among single people but I'm just wondering how others deal with it? What do you do to make yourself feel better?

 

I've been single my whole life so I definitely know your pain. I've found that it can definitely be hard to stay single and only concentrate on yourself when it seems that everybody else around you is living some great life with another person so you want that too. Know that everything is temporary never permanent and that patience really is key here even though that might be easier said then done. Your ex left a mark on you and its normal to think that nobody else out there will ever be as potentially good as what they were but you WILL find someone who is just as good if not better. Put yourself out there while concentrating on yourself such as going out to places like bookstores or local events that you enjoy. Go out with friends to places and have a good time with them surrounded by other people who you can interact with. Continue to live your life and make the most out of it as possible and I guarantee that someone will come around that will be just as amazing probably more so then what you've had before. Take your experience with you and make it so that you have a better relationship with yourself and with your future significant other.

 

Good luck stay happy and have fun.

[Jean-Luc]

I think one of the most dangerous things we can tell ourselves is that we will never find it again. This alone will ensure your existence is lonely and sad. The first thing I would do is refuse the idea this was 'the one'. There will be others. Not right now. It's been recent and you need time to heal and move on.

 

And yes it is difficult to fill the void in your life. You will have to lean on friends and family until you're back on your two feet. Then concentrate on being a happy single. And when that happens your entire perspective will change.

 

I would agree with this. I've never believed in the idea of soul mates as I think there are multiple people for everybody(though not a ton). Billions of people on the planet there is no way that just one person out there is the only one who can make you truly happy.

[eskimobobseal]

I completely relate to, and understand your situation. I recently became single again after a 3 and a half year relationship. It sucks. I miss the sex (it was amazing), the constant affection, the love, having someone there for you all the time, the dates, all of it. I feel lonely. I feel like nobody may ever love me the way she did. I feel like I'll never get to experience anything like that again.

 

But I will. And you will too.

 

Life is full of ups and downs, you start a relationship with someone and you're on an "up", everything goes great, and you can't imagine a better partner. Then, after some time passes and the honeymoon period comes to an end, you either stick together for the long haul or break up. If the second option occurred, you were not meant to be together anyway and probably would have ended up as a miserable married couple. Whenever you find yourself missing your ex (which you probably do, a lot, but mostly due to loneliness), keep remembering that you broke up for a reason and you would have ended up much worse off. Concentrate on bettering yourself as a human being, get a gym membership, join a meetup group, MEET new people and establish new connections. Start a new chapter of your life, and put the old one away.

 

Its going to take a lot of time, and its not always going to be easy. But if you try and move on, one day you'll meet someone who ends up completing you better than your ex ever did. Having experienced a relationship that was once happy and healthy, it really does suck to be back in the "single" life again. But it doesn't NEED to. Think of this as a "regroup" phase - a time where you're grieving/saying goodbye to the past and starting over on a fresh/clean slate. Life is very long and there are billions on this planet, you'll meet another person again and it'll probably happen when you least expect it.

[John John]

OP, I can totally relate to your original post (not sure where you're at now, you seemed to be doing better a few posts later). It's been just over a year and a half after getting out of a 5 year relationship. I still think about her quite a bit, and sometimes find myself idealizing her and our relationship...but time has given me the wisdom to know that this is simply because she was my only long-term relationship (I just turned 30). So for me, it's a matter of knowing that I don't have any other frames of reference. That, and given my age, everyone around me is married/starting families, etc. So that makes it rough at times. However, the problem at the moment is me, and I know this. I have some stuff that I need to take care of first before I can really get out there and let my walls down.

 

But as lonely as I may get, I know that it's not forever. The sweet would never be as sweet without the sour

[notalady]

But as lonely as I may get, I know that it's not forever. The sweet would never be as sweet without the sour

 

Not often do you see a Vanilla Sky reference around, but that is definitely a good one.