Cherry009 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 How do you learn to love being on your own and be happy on your own? in the last few years I have realised that my happiness is dependent on my relationship status, when I am with someone I feel happy, as soon as I am single again I feel sad and alone . I HATE that I am like this but I just can not break this personality within me. I have an amazing family who I am close to, I have many close friends that I see regularly, I have hobbies, keep busy etc but I just still feel sad and lonely until I am dating someone or in a relationship with someone. Sadly I am in a loop where I constantly get dumped after a few months, I can not understand why this happens, I don't change after getting to know the guy, I am not clingy, i like to take it slowly when dating and really feel that it is going well and at a good speed and then boom out of the blue they are gone. I am realising that i need to feel happiness on my own within me otherwise i am going to spend my life dating to just feel happiness deep down, i want to find it on my own and have dating/relationships as an added bonus but not something that my happiness depends on, Where do i start? Link to comment
Twidom Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Some people just can't. It's simple as that. Everyone is different. Everyone has their own way of being happy. Some can't stand being alone, some can't stand being with another person. For quite sometime, I used to be like you. I needed to be in a relationship to be happy. Sometimes I still think I need it. However my last relationship broke me up inside a bit too much, to the extend that I just don't want to get involved anymore. It's not by choice. Something inside me changed. I miss the kisses and the cuddles and the "I love you *cute name*", but I just don't want to be left again. So I just don't go after it anymore. Link to comment
jemoeder Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 trying to figure that one out myself. if you have the answer PM me in the mean time spend time with the people you love and do the things you love. the rest will develop by itself Link to comment
jemoeder Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 oi twidom mora onde no brasil>? Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 jemoeder I will let you know if I ever figure it out! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 >>Sadly I am in a loop where I constantly get dumped after a few months, I can not understand why this happens, If you are only happy in a relationship, part of your problem is your expectations of your partner may be too high, i.e., you expect too much of them and want them to fill all the holes in your soul because you are needy or clingy. The best relationships happen between two people who are happy with themselves and the world AND with each other. If you are chronically unhappy if you don't have a BF, then it could be a sign of low-grade but constant depression, where you need the 'high' of new-love hormones to make you feel good. when people fall in love, their brain biochemistry gets a boost from biochemical changes. Having a partner and connecting with them does stimulate the production of certain hormones that can lift moods and make you feel content, almost a high, so perhaps you have a low-grade depression that needs treatment where you are substituting new love hormones for needing medication and/or therapy to lift your mood. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I never lied to myself that I could be happy being on my own long term but I made sure that I had a fun and busy life with social stuff, travel, volunteer work, book club, networking groups, etc etc - that helped me meet more people plus I think it made me a more interesting person when I did meet someone I wanted to date. Please don't pressure yourself to be happy being alone - just find a way to feel happy/content/comfortable with a life you create that will allow someone else to enhance it or share it in the future but not make it. Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Improve your appearance. It's so shallow and so simple and so true. Link to comment
Twidom Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Improve your appearance. It's so shallow and so simple and so true. Care to elaborate? oi twidom mora onde no brasil>? Rio Grande do Sul. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Oh goodness, this sounds like it could be me, perhaps I need to talk to someone, I hate the fact I am like this. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I never lied to myself that I could be happy being on my own long term but I made sure that I had a fun and busy life with social stuff, travel, volunteer work, book club, networking groups, etc etc - that helped me meet more people plus I think it made me a more interesting person when I did meet someone I wanted to date. Please don't pressure yourself to be happy being alone - just find a way to feel happy/content/comfortable with a life you create that will allow someone else to enhance it or share it in the future but not make it. The trouble is I cant find a way to feel happy and content, I throw myself into doing stuff with family and friends, holidays etc but at the end of the day they are just a temporary distraction from feeling lonely. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 The trouble is I cant find a way to feel happy and content, I throw myself into doing stuff with family and friends, holidays etc but at the end of the day they are just a temporary distraction from feeling lonely. How much and how often do you do cardio type exercise? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 In the last few years I have realised that my happiness is dependent on my relationship status, when I am with someone I feel happy, as soon as I am single again I feel sad and alone . Sadly I am in a loop where I constantly get dumped after a few months, I can not understand why this happens, I don't change after getting to know the guy, I am not clingy, i like to take it slowly when dating and really feel that it is going well and at a good speed and then boom out of the blue they are gone. I think the two are connected: getting dumped and being unhappy alone. There is something inside of you that is unfulfilled and trying to get that from the other person. Trust me, men KNOW the difference between an independent girl who doesn't need him and one who does. Needy is a frame of mind and isn't necessarily about you calling him 6 times a day. I think therapy is a great thing. Having some deep conversations about how you feel about yourself, if you love yourself, how to improve your ability to self-love, can be very helpful to you. Don't let anyone let you think you continuing to date while you feel this way is the best way to go. Of course, do what you choose. But I strongly suggest the folks who take some time being single and working on yourself so you can focus on becoming more whole and approaching finding a life partner with a better mindset. Link to comment
villagehero Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 I am on month 7 of a 9 year breakup. Old habits die hard, especially with the history me and my ex have. Right now I am not where I want to be financially and feel as if I don't have the mindset to date anyone and am not really putting myself out there. But I do understand the loneliness aspect of it all. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone to come home and talk to and share certain things. Having roommates helps but it won't completely fill in the void. My suggestion: Read read read, self help books, watch youtube videos on motivation, listen to music that inspires you, stay consistent on your exercise regimen. Now is the time to have and complete all of the goals you want in life. That's what I'm telling myself. I do this for me. For my daughter. For my family. And for the person that will one day come into my life and if they are truly worth it, they will share in all of my success. When you find yourself feeling these thoughts of loneliness and sadness, feel them out. Don't try to avoid them. Admit that they are there. It's a wave that will pass. Meditation helps in learning to see the cycles you go through on a daily basis. I'm not really hanging out with too many friends right now but I know that once I reach the goal that I am working extremely hard to achieve (3 jobs, 7 days a week, changing careers, while raising a daughter) life will reward me in full. And that's something that no partner can give you. Your own feeling of merit and accomplishment. Honestly, if you feel lonely and depressed then you aren't busy enough. Don't settle for mediocrity. There is enough of that to go around. Be Blessed. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted May 16, 2014 Author Share Posted May 16, 2014 How much and how often do you do cardio type exercise? Never really cardio, i do a lot of walking, but exercise is the last thing i feel like doing after a break up. Does cardio help? Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted May 16, 2014 Author Share Posted May 16, 2014 Perhaps i do need therapy, however i can't afford to do that privately and to get a councillor in the UK on the NHS takes months on a waiting list until they will give you an appointment. I have taken time out of dating in the past, for a year or more at a time and yes i am generally fine but there is always a niggling feeling deep down of wanting to find someone, i just don't know how to overcome the feeling. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Improve your appearance.. And that will make her happy being on her own?? .... Can you explain that please? Link to comment
snapple Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 And that will make her happy being on her own?? .... Can you explain that please? Probably a self-confidence boost Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 16, 2014 Share Posted May 16, 2014 Perhaps i do need therapy, however i can't afford to do that privately and to get a councillor in the UK on the NHS takes months on a waiting list until they will give you an appointment. I have taken time out of dating in the past, for a year or more at a time and yes i am generally fine but there is always a niggling feeling deep down of wanting to find someone, i just don't know how to overcome the feeling. Never overcome that feeling! Just overcome how you react to that feeling. (and anyway we can't control how we feel). If your reaction is to act in a desperate way or a passive way about making a life you like (while knowing your goal is marriage and family) then that reaction is problematic. Choose a different way to react especially since you have to be out there, active, positive, carrying yourself positively, good body language, healthy -to meet someone. It's a ton of work but so worth it. Work on yourself while you are out there looking for a potentially good match. If you find you're creeping back into acting desperate take a deep breath and figure out what tools you have to stop that kind of behavior or at least decrease it. Link to comment
NightSky939 Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Never overcome that feeling! Just overcome how you react to that feeling. (and anyway we can't control how we feel). If your reaction is to act in a desperate way or a passive way about making a life you like (while knowing your goal is marriage and family) then that reaction is problematic. Choose a different way to react especially since you have to be out there, active, positive, carrying yourself positively, good body language, healthy -to meet someone. It's a ton of work but so worth it. Work on yourself while you are out there looking for a potentially good match. If you find you're creeping back into acting desperate take a deep breath and figure out what tools you have to stop that kind of behavior or at least decrease it. I like this post. You can still want what you want but it should be in a healthy way and if you find your feelings becoming negative "needs" that are affecting your happiness, it is time to stop and take a step back while you reevaluate how to turn those feelings around into more beneficial feelings. Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Probably a self-confidence boost As well as the fact that it improves her chances of attracting a new mate. Since her low self esteem is mainly because she's single it's kind of a win win to just look better, lol. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 As well as the fact that it improves her chances of attracting a new mate. Since her low self esteem is mainly because she's single it's kind of a win win to just look better, lol. well i had my hair cut the other day and i felta bit better, for like an afternoon or something lol Link to comment
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