Fiances ex dating an abuse guy

[Cidmercury]

My fiancé and his ex separated because she was cheating on him, she continued to see the guy and he started to beat her. My fiancé knows this as does his ex's family.. Time passed like over a year or so and turns out "Susan" is still seeing "Bryan" and Bryan still beats her... BUT my fiancé doesn't really know to what extent, for awhile now he's been under the impression Susan isn't seeing Bryan because Susan lies to him and she's gets their daughter to lie to him about where they are going or who Sudan is hanging out with. But their daughter being my step daughter talks to me all the time about it and tells me when she sees Bryan (she's 5). Susan has been told that Bryan is not aloud around "Jessica" (step daughter). He has countless times talked to Susan and made it clear that they are not to be together as has Susan's family but she lies about it. My fiancé has threatened to have a restraining order in place so Bryan is not to be around Jessica. And it turns out actually that Bryan has a restraining order against Susan and my fiancé but of course that doesn't mean because Bryan and Susan are still sleeping together and he still beats her... Sorry I'm getting off track but I thought some back story was necessary to get an idea of the situation

My question is (because Jessica always tells me when her and her mom are around Bryan and when they hang out and have sleep overs etc) my fiancé thinks he's out of the picture constantly.. At what point do I tell him? I have before in the past mentioned Jessica has said something and he flips. Is it my job to tell him? Is it even my place? Do I ignore it or do I do something?

[mhowe]

Why aren't you telling him?

Of curse he should know.

[Cidmercury]

I have told him before, I never hesitated too but now it's at the point where I tell him and he blows up at Susan threatens her with restraining orders and what not and she lies or makes something up says ok ok I'll stop seeing him.. But then she still does... So I just feel like I can't do anything maybe? It doesn't get anybody anywhere or do any good really because she just disregards what he says..

[Cidmercury]

If that makes sense.. I'm just at a point where I'm questioning what I'm doing and what I should or shouldn't be doing

[HeartGoesOn]

I think the lesser of two evils would be to tell him, and let the chips fall where they may.

[ParisPaulette]

I think your fiancee would be wise to sue for sole custody of his daughter before this guy beats her too. A five-year-old wouldn't stand a chance against a grown man, so yes tell your fiancee what his daughter is saying to you. Be an advocate for that child, she needs adults that are looking out for her and keeping her safe from someone who is abusive and/or letting her be around someone who is abusive.

[lukeb]

Doesn't look like you have any proof besides gossip that Bryan beats Susan, Susan doesn't seem to want to leave Bryan. You can tell Susan that Bryan isn't allowed around Jessica, but I don't think there is anything you can do legally. I can't see how you could get a restraining order against people that the ex is interested in seeing. You can talk to a lawyer I suppose and see what your options are. It is a tough call but I think you should tell your fiance what his daughter is telling you, but I don't think it would do much good. It is something that concerns his daughter and he has a right to know.

[lukeb]

When it comes right down to it this is essentially not your concern besides the fact that you are a concerned citizen. The best interest of the child is really something for your fiance and his ex and I guess the courts to hammer out.

[abitbroken]

If the child is confessing violence then that should be taken seriously. If the child is uncomfortable with the situation, then maybe the court or counselor or advocate will take things into account even if there is no other "proof". Your fiance may not get sole custody, but there can be a better arrangement that Bryan can't see the child or the situation is monitored.

 

I think you should encourage Jessica to tell her father about these things. And also telling your fiance that sometimes she confides in you because you are another girl. But it is important she say something herself because then it doesn't look like you are encouraging it.

[lukeb]

I have told him before, I never hesitated too but now it's at the point where I tell him and he blows up at Susan threatens her with restraining orders and what not and she lies or makes something up says ok ok I'll stop seeing him.. But then she still does... So I just feel like I can't do anything maybe? It doesn't get anybody anywhere or do any good really because she just disregards what he says..

 

Your fiance has no right to tell his ex who she can or can not see, and it actually sounds like he is being abusive towards her. If he has evidence of any wrong doing he needs to take that to the authorities but not to her. He has no right to "blow up" or make any threats, they broke up and as much as possible they get to live their own lives. If your fiance wants any change in the arrangement concerning his child he needs to go through the courts for that, not to try to handle it on his own.

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm a CASA volunteer. I'm an advocate for children. This had to be reported to the authorities. This cools safety is at risk. If the mom chooses to see an abusive boyfriend then she should not have custody of her daughter.

 

Your fiance needs to know. If this child is witnessing the violence and others (the mother's family) also knows about the violence, this needs to be reported.

 

No one can stop the mom from seeing an abusive man. But this five year old child needs to be given a voice.

[CeeLambrini]

This little girl clearly looks up to you and trusts you enough to confide this to you. Perhaps she is also scared of telling her father for the same reasons you are. I suggest the three of you sit down together so she can tell him herself, with you there supporting her.

When a child is being abused, or in an abusive situation, even the smallest cry for help should be listened to, as they fear they will get into trouble (particularly if he flips out and gets angry after hearing the news). Not all details are usually told immediately, as they test the water to see how much damage they 'cause' when telling. This could very be the tip of the iceberg and she needs to know that she is safe telling you and your fiance the truth without the repercussions of Bryan getting angry/violent because of it.

Your fiance needs to know the truth, and he also needs to know that his daughter needs him to calmly react to what she is saying so that he does not scare her into keeping her mouth shut.

[lukeb]

I disagree it is a bad idea to do this on your own, to get the story from a 5 year old is a good way to "taint" the evidence if there is any. The situation has been very poorly handled up to now and as it stands now it is the OP and her fiance who look like the bad guys. The evidence is stacked against you, Brian and Susan have been forced to get a restraining order against the OP and her fiance because the fiance is not able to control himself has been threatening and telling her who she can or can not date. You have a strong agenda here, you are not the ones to gather the evidence and to see if there is any truth to it. There is really only one option here and to do what t1lersm0m1 suggested, go to the authorities and tell them what you know.

[CeeLambrini]

Then stick to your opinion and I'll stick to mine, it is the OP's choice on whether or not the advice given here is of any value, and I am not looking for a debate. There was nothing I said about not going to the authorities, the OP asked whether or not she should tell her fiance or not. I say yes - she should. If the little girl in question ends up getting hurt, and it comes out that the OP knew about the situation all along yet didn't tell anybody, how do you think fiance is going to feel about that

[ParisPaulette]

No one can stop the mom from seeing an abusive man. But this five year old child needs to be given a voice.

 

This, this is the crux of the matter. Take what the CASA children's advocate says. This is a matter for the courts and the legal/justice system. It's not just a "your fiancee doesn't like his ex's boyfriend" matter. And if it does turn out to be just that again the legal/justice system would sort that out.

 

One way or another all you have to do is open a newspaper or turn on your TV or computer to see we do not, as a nation and as a civilization, do enough to protect the vulnerable and those most needing protection. You are always safer to act and gather facts and make sure someone is safe, before shrugging it off as "kids just lie or imagine things" or "I don't want to raise a fuss." More people need to raise a fuss and anyone I am friends with who had an abusive childhood has said that to me in more or less words--I wish others had done something to help.

[lukeb]

This, this is the crux of the matter. Take what the CASA children's advocate says. This is a matter for the courts and the legal/justice system. It's not just a "your fiancee doesn't like his ex's boyfriend" matter. And if it does turn out to be just that again the legal/justice system would sort that out.

 

I totally agree.

[Cidmercury]

It's not that my fiancé is trying to control who his ex sees.. He doesn't care... It's the fact that he knows this guy has beat her and he's around his daughter. Susan can do whatever she wants and date whoever she wants my fiancé doesn't care in the slightest. There has been an incident awhile back like over a year ago (that we know of) where this guy has been physical infront of Jessica.

[lukeb]

It's not that my fiancé is trying to control who his ex sees.. He doesn't care... It's the fact that he knows this guy has beat her and he's around his daughter. Susan can do whatever she wants and date whoever she wants my fiancé doesn't care in the slightest. There has been an incident awhile back like over a year ago (that we know of) where this guy has been physical infront of Jessica.

 

Imagine yourself a person on the outside looking in, like an investigator and ask yourself what you would believe. You have to admit the optics look really bad for you guys, and your fiance has been sabotaging his own case by the way he handled it. It doesn't look like Brian and Susan took out a restraining order to make you look bad, (that sometimes happens) by your own admission they needed to get one. Your fiance made himself look bad through his own actions. I actually do believe your fiance cares and doesn't want the guy who f*cked his wife around his back around his daughter. This only matters of course if you don't have any hard evidence. Good luck.

[Cidmercury]

Imagine yourself a person on the outside looking in, like an investigator and ask yourself what you would believe. You have to admit the optics look really bad for you guys, and your fiance has been sabotaging his own case by the way he handled it. It doesn't look like Brian and Susan took out a restraining order to make you look bad, (that sometimes happens) by your own admission they needed to get one. Your fiance made himself look bad through his own actions. I actually do believe your fiance cares and doesn't want the guy who f*cked his wife around his back around his daughter. This only matters of course if you don't have any hard evidence. Good luck.

 

Sorry I'm just confused, what looks bad for us? Also I might have caused some confused, Bryan has a restraining order against Susan and my fiancé not against myself or Susan against my fiancé