Therapy?....

[oitnb]

Lately I've been toying with the idea of seeing a therapist. I've normally been kinda emotionally cold, in the fact that serious issues that would really hurt a normal persons mental health don't really phase me. But part of me wonders if that's the truth or if I'm just burying these issues deep inside.

 

I guess to help give some perspective I'll give a timeline of things that have happened

 

Young (2-10) - I have very few memories from my childhood. I just don't remember it. However, I do have a couple. When I was very young, I suffered from horrible UTI's, and one of my earliest memories is a doctor checking everything out down there while I'm crying bloody murder, and my mom is standing by telling me "it's okay baby he's just a doctor". I find it weird this is my earliest memory. I told my mom about it and she thinks I was probably 2 at the time.

 

Another memory. My mom is a prescription pill addict, and as far as I know, has been since before I was born. I was young, I think probably 5-6? And I remember my dad coming down the stairs screaming with a pill bottle in his hand. I kept trying to intervene and tell him it's just mommys medicine.

 

Another one - my parents were having a screaming match. I was idk how young but old enough to use the house phone and call my grandpa. I was sitting on the kitchen floor crying while they were fighting. My grandpa comes in, scoops me up in his arms, and scolds my parents telling them they'll lose me if they don't stop the fighting.

 

Those are literally the only three major memories I have of my childhood. I just plain can't remember anything else.

 

Adolescence (11-13) when I was 12 my dad confessed he had been having an affair with my moms best friend, who was like a big sister to me, she was basically family to us.

 

I remember the night he confessed it so clearly. They had been fighting a lot the months leading up to it, and I was taking a bath as I heard another argument break out. I remember laying in the bathtub looking at the shower curtain, and imagined hanging myself with it. That was the only time in my life I've ever entertained the idea of suicide.

 

The next day my parents sat me down and did something I don't think I'll ever forgive them for. They asked me what they should do, what do I want them to do - work it out or get divorced. Of course as a young kid with no idea of marriage or cheating, I said stay together. And they did. And it was hell.

 

From the ages of 11-14 I started having really bad sleep paralysis episodes. I think it was from the stress of there constant fighting. It was such a terrifying thing to go through. I also developed insomnia which I still struggle through to do this day.

 

My mom thought the solution to these sleep issues was to give me copious amounts of NyQuil, and I blame her for my sleep problems now. I think it seriously messed me up.

 

Anyways, they continued fighting my whole adolescence/teenage years.

 

Sometimes it got physical. Mostly my mom hitting or smacking my dad. (She never stopped doing pills) they fought a lot over her drug abuse.

 

My mom would often falsely accuse my dad of beating her. There was a few times when he would restrain her when she was attacking him, and in his anger he might've been to rough with it, but that's about it. But my mom would come up with ludicrous stories - "your dad threw me into the wall and beat me with a frying pan!" Okay where's the bruises? There's always was none. My moms tiny. 4'10 85 lbs. if my dad was beating her there would be damage. She also has osteoporosis so her bones very easily break and she never had a broken bone. I honestly don't think my dad ever beat her, as most times she accused him only when she was being called out on her drug abuse, but who knows.

 

When I was 14 I started dating a 20 year old. I hid it from my parents. Looking back now I cannot imagine being attracted to a 14 year old kid at age 20. I have no respect for this guy. We were on/off for a year, and in that time we did everything besides sex. In the end, I found out he had a fiancé. And she was pregnant. And I felt horrible. After all I was out through with my dad's cheating, here I am and I'm the other "woman". I felt so low. I broke up with him immediately.

 

I was 15 when I started dating the guy I eventually lost my virginity to. He was pretty trashy tbh. I think at the time I subconsciously picked him just to piss my parents off. He lived in a drug house basically. It was disgusting. But, he gave me an escape from my parents. After a few months of dating, I figured "why not?" And had sex with him. He started to get controlling and didn't like my parents. He refused to come to my house, only wanted me to come to his, knowing I was a teenager and most of the time my parents would say no.

 

I helped him get a job, because a family friend was the manager there. One day, he calls me from work, and says he NEEDS to talk to me.

 

He was venting to the family friend about my parents and she told him my mom wasn't my real mom. My dad had knocked up a stripper when my mom and dad were on a break. I asked my parents. They confessed. I was so confused and stressed out I peed the bed that night. At age 16. I've never peed the bed before or since.

 

Anyways, said boyfriend ends up sleeping with manager, I find out, and break it off.

 

I'm single for awhile until I meet this seemingly nice French guy on Facebook. He went to a school near my house and was new to America. He asked me out on a date, and I agreed. The first date went okay, except he wanted me to be his girlfriend at the end of it. Um, no, let's get to know each other more I said. I thought he was just lonely in a new country so I didn't take this as a red flag and instead gave him the benefit of he doubt.

 

Second date, we're walking around the mall, start play fighting, and he slaps me. On my face. He sees my hurt look and apologizes, saying that's how guys in France play fight and he didn't know it was rude. My dumb self believed him.

 

Third date. I told myself this was this guys last chance to not screw it up. We go to a movie, get to his car, and he pulls into the parking lot behind the movie theater. At this point I'm kinda nervous, and kicking myself for trusting him when I barely knew him. He basically tells me I can't leave the car unless I give him a blowjob. Minutes go by, he has the doors locked, and were alone. So I eventually do it. He smiles and says "American girls are so freaky". I almost puke in disgust. I never call him again after that.

 

For the next few years I'm single, all the while my parents are still going through the cycle of fighting, breaking up, back together, ect. When I'm 18 I meet my ex and we start dating. After four months of dating when I graduated highschool, I move in with him. He was abusive. Controlling. Anger issues. Sexual issues - ED. He never hit me but he would hold me down and throw things at me. He abused our animals.

 

I still harbor so much guilt for letting him abuse our pets and not saying anything. We had a puppy and he scarred it so bad it became extremely violent, and had to be put down. Sometimes I still cry when I think of that.

 

Anyways, after many false attempts at. Breaking up, after a year and a few months, I end it.

 

Now were to right now. My parents are finally divorced. My dad moved in with the woman he had an affair with, and it turns out two of her children are biologically my fathers, products of the affair.

 

My mom is doing alright but I never know with her. She could be clean as a whistle one day, then gone the next.

 

Should I seek therapy? If anyone is still reading at this point, thank you!

[mhowe]

Therapy would be a good idea.

[t1lersm0m1]

I didn't read your whole story. I got about 1/3 of the way in. That said, I don't think therapy can hurt anyone. I think everyone can benefit from therapy. I don't know anyone who's had a life similar to that of the Donna Reed show. Even people who by all outward appearances have a perfect life, have demons buried inside.

 

I was molested as a child. My Mom took me to the doctor because I was having irritation down there. The doctor chalked it up to the bubble bath I was using. But when I remembered what happened to me later in life and tried to peg the timeline, my Mom said it coincided with the time she took me to the doctor for the irritation. My grandmotehr also said I always looked lost, I wasn't a happy child. Growing up the daughter of an alcoholic didn't help at all I'm sure.

 

So without reading your whole story, with just reading the first few paragraphs, I highly suggest you get into therapy. I also find it highly beneficial reading self-help books. The books I have read have literally saved my life.

[oitnb]

It's just the fact that all of these issues don't really bother me. But I think they might and I'm just suppressing them without realizing it. I think I'm going to try to find a therapist today. Thank you guys

[t1lersm0m1]

If you are on a message board asking for advice, then something is eating at you. It would bother me if I didnt' have my memories. There is something you may be suppressing. I'm not a shrink, so maybe nothing happened, maybe you were just a happy child and there was no reason to remember your memories. But truly, I don't think therapy can hurt. Even if it's just someone to talk to about your life today. You can start simple, and then start digging deep. It took me 4-5 appointments with my therapist to finally at the end of one therapy session tell her what happened in my past. I would literally waste the hour chit chatting about daily life instead of talking about the reason I went there.

[oitnb]

Yes I do sometimes wonder why I have so few memories from my childhood.

[MisUnderstood9]

You would definitely benefit from therapy. What you have created for yourself over the years is a defence tactic to sheild yourself from pain (emotionally). Since you have suffered quite a bit of it in different ways, it's almost like you have told yourself -- it is easier not to care because no one really cares therefore, you just don't. You shug things off as if it's not a big deal because its easier then dealing with it.

 

Definitely look for a good therapist - not a counsellor but a Pyschologist.

[oitnb]

Thank you misunderstood - I will. I'm glad I have insurance because I'm pretty sure without it they'd be expensive.

[MisUnderstood9]

Thank you misunderstood - I will. I'm glad I have insurance because I'm pretty sure without it they'd be expensive.

 

You're welcome and yes Pyschologist's can be expensive but they are better educated in the practices of therapy then a counsellor is. Counsellors only need Bacholars and Masters in pyschology and social services. You need a doctorite to be a Pyschologist.. they know more way to get down the route of why these shields exsist as well as tests and practices to help break down these shields over time. GL, it's not going to be an easy road, its going to be a rollercoaster and a lot of deep underlining emotions that you've been burrying are going to surface so prepare yourself -- but once you start, you will feel almost like huge chucks of weight that have been holding you down are going to fall off to help yourself move forward!

[t1lersm0m1]

Do you have a full time job? Contact your HR department to see if your company has an Employee Assistance Program. I'm not sure if it's only larger employers, but if they do they may offer therapy for free. I get 8 therapy sessions a year from my EAP. I just had to call a toll free number and explain why I need therapy, and they give me an authorization number and a list of therapists in my area that accept my EAP. Anything over 8 I'll have to pay for.

[itsallgrand]

I think you should go for it - try the therapy. It seems to me you are in a period of growth for yourself as a person. Wanting and working on quitting smoking, taking stock of yourself and what is holding you back. And anything at all that can move you forward to being and having the life you want - go for it.

 

Sometimes we just get so used to living with something that we start to forget or even imagine what it could be like if things were different. I get that. I always used to think of myself as emotionally cold as well, but after working on some things to do with my past and ways that had been impacting me for so many years, I found a different side of me. A side I always knew was there, but it felt hard to tap, if that makes sense to you?

 

You've been through a lot. I think it really could be beneficial to you to have someone to talk to about these things and bounce off of . It'll help you sort through what is what, and what you want to carry forward with you in yourself and for your future.

[Honeysuckle13]

Wow, that's a whole lot for someone to have to go through.

I think therapy is a good idea for many people who have not gone through the things you have had to, so I definitely think it would be a good idea.

I also want to say that you should be proud of what seems like a very good head on your shoulders. You are able to clearly see that the situation with your parents is not healthy, and you also had the strength to break it off with those boyfriends who were no good for you. Not many people that grew up with that kind of turbulence and violence know or have the strength to get out.

I think you're a very strong person, but could definitely benefit from talking about this with someone.

[abitbroken]

I wouldn't go to therapy because things that happened in your life don't bother you so much. To start, I would go to work through current issues with your mom, dad, boyfriend - why you go through having mom help you with school apps and then want her out of your life, and how to set HEALTHY boundaries with your family and maybe parts of your history that are helpful in healing and not just random stuff dug up. I wouldn't start off with "i don't remember much when I was two years old...let's dig deep and see what we dig up" as the premise for therapy. Not all things that we don't remember are things we "block"- but merely they were unremarkable.

[ParisPaulette]

If you can find someone to just talk things out with, to process and go over things in the past that have bothered you it's a great idea. Journaling is another very healthy thing to do with this. Both these things can help you process the hurts of the past and work out ways to heal and move on with your life. Yes, you had some rough times growing up. I think perhaps more people do than anyone probably cares to admit and having a parent with an alcohol or drug problem and/or cheating between parents just really can do a number on the head. As I know well from my own personal experiences along that line.

 

I will also point out that as far as I recall you are still very much kind of in the middle of your parents drama and at some point you are going to likely have to figure a way to distance yourself by physical location if you can. That alone is its own therapy many times, because time and space away from someone or situations that are toxic helps us see things in a new light and again process those past experiences in a much healthier, happier way. Right now you can see a therapist and you should, but I am going to caution you that if you still come home to Mom and Dad having their little melodramas and putting you in the middle of them, as I recall from your other posts, a therapist will only be able to do so much. And most good ones are likely going to tell you the same thing--get some distance from your family.

 

Many times I think there's a reason why it's better if offspring push out and live on their own away from their families for awhile. Doesn't mean you would stay gone forever, but right now is the time for you to be going out into the world and carving your own path. Later on you could come back home and help out, but that's a whole lot easier to do when you have sort of conquered past childhood/family demons.

 

Just my thoughts, but yes therapy can help if it's with a good compassionate therapist who gets you and is there to help you process everything that happened.