Any Recovered Fallback Girls?

[Silverbirch]

I have been hurting Badly AGAIN, and at my age, it is oat good look. I hope that not only am I learning what I do wrong, but that I can change. In a nutshell, I stay in relationships that go bad because I allow myself to remain in the fantasy of the early part of the relationship and who I thought the person to be when really I didn't get to know them well enough before I gave my heart. the last man was a "friend" for quite some time before we got together so I told myself that was different. I have told myself so many lies. My head and self-esteem are meads because I could not accept that I would never have a genuine relationship with this person who I had believed to be my soulmate. I made lots of excuses, but at the end of the day, I am the one hurt and sad.

 

I have been reading that book, "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" and I am her.

 

Are there people here who have been able to sop being fallback girls. I would love to read some success stories. Thank you.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, I was a fallback girl in my last relationship for six years. I finally just got fed up with it, with the toxic mess my life had become and I stopped telling myself lies. That made a huge difference and it gave me the strength to break up for good, cut toxic people out of my life and learn who I could or could not trust. I didn't find the book you refer to, her excellent website or this website until after I'd mostly healed from the ex. But it did interest me why I had gotten myself to that position, so I stuck around and read the book, read people's forum posts and gave advice based on my own experiences.

 

Bottom line my ex still periodically tries to get me back and I refuse to let him into my life, because it's a toxic relationship for both of us. Yes, I had a part in it too. It's never all just one of you is the bad guy, even if it's just that you chose to stay when you knew you should have walked away. You still did that to yourself and yes to some degree to the ex as well. You aren't doing anyone any favors by staying, so learn to walk away at the first red flag, not the five-thousandth one. It takes guts to tell someone, "No, I don't want a second date with you, you're obviously way too hung up on your ex/disrespectful/not what I'm looking for etc." and then to walk away and cut them out of your life no matter how good their arguments sound or how high your attraction is. But after a while the pain just isn't worth it and I got to that point.

 

As a result I now have fewer people in my life, but the friends I do have are real ones. The SO I have now is a real guy who is sane and normal and we get along great better than 99.99 percent of the time and when we don't we're able to resolve any issues with a minimum of drama. And I can honestly say I'm happy just being me. And that is vital to you breaking this cycle--you have to learn to be happy within yourself, to make your own goals and accomplishments and dump the idea/fantasy/hope that someone else will take 100 percent responsibility for your happiness. No one can do that, it's your job, not theirs. Realize that, accept it, do the work to make that true and you'll find yourself not being a fallback girl, because when you respect and value yourself it's really easy to not put up with anyone else who doesn't.

[Silverbirch]

Hey Big Than You ParisPaulette.

 

The book is hard for me to read in parts, but I read it - it hurts -

[Silverbirch]

I dont think I want him to take 100per cent responsibility for my happiness and I am independent and have goals! but I have clung to the fantasy of who I thought he was at the beginning if the relationship, and held onto things he said to me early on which drew me to him. he probably didn't mean any of that anyway, but I made lots of excuses for him. there is a message from him on my phone tonight, and I reminded myself that what he is really thinking to himself - "Just checking in to see if she still wants me . . . . Because I still don't want her."

[ParisPaulette]

Don't be so hard on yourself. We have all made the mistake of thinking what is said and/or done in the honeymoon stage of a relationship is what it really is and will always be like. And then when we find that's not the case we try to ignore that and what's currently happening and keep focusing on those first magical weeks/months instead. I think most people do mean what they said in the honeymoon phase, the real trick is whether they will still continue to mean what they say and say the same things or even better as time moves forward and real life sets in. I was very guilty of this with my last ex. I kept focusing on how amazing it all been at the beginning and the wonderful, romantic things he said in the beginning. And I totally ignored the red flags/ horrible things he said later on down the line, because some part of me desperately wanted the first part of the relationship and how he had acted to be the real thing instead of after he dropped the mask.

 

All you can do is understand that you will grieve the end of a relationship and the end of a dream, but that the dream is over so to speak. Keep moving forward and keep yourself busy and let time and NC help heal you. Stay busy with your life, find new things to try and things that make you feel happy or even just smile and you'll find yourself able to move on more and more.

[Silverbirch]

Thank You Paulette. That is EXACTLY was I have been in this relationship. I do think the person who ai thought he was in the honeymoon stage is the sort of person I could easily and happily spend my life with. H e turned opposite to how he was, and I have known for a long time that a permanent breakup was inevitable.

 

I applied for a promotion in the country and was successful so over the next couple of weeks I have 2 major life changes coming up. I will be more than a 5 hour drive from where he lives so that will make it easier. I greatly appreciate what you share because I feel very understood. THANK YOU.

[quirky]

I also think it's normal to cling on to how things were at the beginning. This is the part that is difficult, how everything seems great at the beginning and then deteriorates. I wonder what happened in your case if you want to share..? To answer your original question I am not the fallback girl as such but I am often immature about my happiness, it seems like I take relationships seriously and then suddenly I don't, I am inconsistent because I sometimes want to live in the now rather than look seriously how compatible I am with a person. I am also attracted to weirdness and complexities sadly and I understand/excuse a lot of things if someone is troubled

[Silverbirch]

He is commitmentphobes by his own admission Quirky - to an extreme Quirky - not just about marriage (I don't want to marry), but abut making any sort of plans unless it relates to his work.

[t1lersm0m1]

I can relate to this, although I never heard of the book or the term "fallback girl."

 

I dated a man last year who was separated from his wife. I didn't realize it when we began dating, but he had just tried reconciling with her before Christmas 2012, and we began dating right after Valentine's Day 2013. If I knew he had JUST tried reconciling, I would have stayed clear.

 

Our relationship was great in the beginning because he was caught up in the newness and excitement of it. But after that wore off, he began complaining about his wife a lot. I mean A LOT. I always told him it bothered me and he apologized. I said she is still on your mind. I should have ended the relationship. After that, our relationship was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. But unfortunately, by that time I was in love with him, even though he was incapable of loving me.

 

He also had severe self esteem issues. Anytime we had a problem, I wanted to talk about it and he ignored me. Wouldn't pick up his phone, wouldn't reply to texts. I didn't realize it at that time but I had severe abandonment issues. When he ignored me I went batty crazy. Like totally insane, uncontrollable crazy. Not dangerous, but out of my mind obsessed with getting him to talk to me.

 

Right before Labor Day I finally had enough and acted like a total B all day Sunday. I had myself convinced I was going to break up with him. The next day I changed my mind and we had a great day. He broke up with me later that week because he said the way I acted Sunday reminded him of his wife and he's not willing to go down that road.

 

Although the relationship was horrible, I was DEVASTATED. That's the break up in September that brought me to ENA (I lurked a while then joined in October). In hindsight he did me a favor, but I honestly thought at the time that after he healed from his marriage, I could marry that man and spend the rest of my life with him.

 

I've dealt with my abandonment issues. I'm back here because I'm going through another break up that is no fault of my (ex)boyfriends or my own. I still have issues to deal with, but yeah, I think I might fit your description of a fall back girl.

[Wafils]

I'm here with you, not recovered but I guess recognition is the first (big) step. I was with my ex for 6 years too and all those times we were on and off I have now realized he was with me or this other girl. I mean we wouldn't talk for a couple months then he'd be back but I'm sure it's because she said something or broke up with him and he didn't want to be alone. Whatever. It no longer matters but it feels cruddy in that I didn't recognize it then, I was so thrilled whenever he came back and had my self convinced it was a regular fairy tale over here.

 

Anyway like I said, the first step is recognizing it and from there you can make the changes necessary. I know for instance I would never take my ex back, I am completely turned off by him and even the good, sweet memories are now colored more bleakly because I wonder if he was talking to someone else at the same time. I wonder how he could have been so convincing that he was totally in love with me and promised me forever and he would always love me, stuff he said until the very last week. Crazy how they turn on the dime like that. As long as we know that they are only sincere in a given moment and what's most important to them is feeling desired and never being alone, I think we can overcome the threat of always being the fallback. We all deserve to be loved unconditionally and of course, these guys can't do it. We have proof now, so we can move forward to others who can.

[Silverbirch]

Hi I am sorry! I hadn't seen these last 2 posts until now and I have to head off to work, but will post later. Wishing you all well.