Support group for scapegoat children

[Kattie]

I recognized early in my life that my blood relatives (I cannot in good conscience call them my family) used me as their scapegoat (since I was a toddler) to blame their toxic disfunctionality on. I did manage to survive, but it left me empty and broken inside.

 

If you see my other posts, you will see that I still play the role of an unappreciated, doormat and have a very difficult time getting anyone's respect (except at work). I will still do just about anything to be loved and to not be alone. I need to find a support group comprised of other people like me to help me find strength and who can give me strategies for dealing with the loneliness and isolation. It is a huge emptiness to never have been loved by anyone, ever!

 

Does anyone know of any support groups for scapegoat children.

 

I have to say, it is amazing how much a person can be hated for doing nothing. I used to get locked in my room for days just because my mother considered me too ugly and an embarrassment to the family. This started when I was about 5. I never got to go out with the rest of the family. I am partially paralyzed on my left arm from all the blows she delivered to the back of my head. My father molested me at 12 just so that I would never have any pleasure from intimacy (which is the case still). He would beat me and call me a w-hore just for doing homework assignments with other boys. The two worked together to blame me for everything, including the dog dying (heartworm). I am why the family cannot function better. I am why my sister-in-law cheated on my brother. I am why my father spent the family in debt. My brothers used me like a toy and treated me with such contempt. I was booted to the streets by 20. I have been left out of every family dinner, vacation.... Even to this day there is not one drop of compassion, empathy or understanding on their part. So weird. How can people be so blind to their ways and so distorted in their minds?

[t1lersm0m1]

Stop being a scapegoat. Eliminate the people that do not support you. You even said you can't call them family. Get rid of them. Surround yourself with loving supportive people.

 

My Dad passed away in 2011. My brother lives in California. I have very little contact with extended family. My mother is mentally ill. I surround myself with great friends. THEY are my support system.

[Kattie]

You have shared an important strategy for scapegoat children. I agree that is important to do. However, it isn't about being an actual scapegoat anymore. For people like me it is like living life with a handicap. If I had no arms or legs I would adapt and learn to cope, but these challenges would always be present, no matter how good a support system I had. This very much feels the same. Thus, I would like to connect with people living with this same handicap to grow from their courage, experience and coping skills. It is a major set back to have had no one to parent, love or protect me as a child and to be the bad guy/outcast for my entire life. That void and shame gets managed, but it is not without its deep scares.

 

Anyone knowing of an online support group that could help PLEASE share. Many thanks.

[t1lersm0m1]

I really don't think there is a support group for that. It's called therapy. And there's no shame in therapy. Maybe you can join group therapy. Where people in the group get to talk about their issues (which will vary from individual to individual). I would do a search for group therapy in your area.

 

We all have our crosses to bear. I am the adult child of an alcoholic. I never knew how deeply that affected me. I grew up way before my time. I felt emotionally responsible for my mother. I'm 37 and still finding my way through the world. I'm learning and growing every day.

 

This site is a good support. If you struggle with alcohol or drugs, you can join an AA or NA meeting. If you struggle with food, you can join an OA meeting. But I really don't think, aside from one on one therapy, you are going to find a support group specific to what you need.

[Kattie]

It's a real shame that there aren't any support groups for such an affliction. Al Anon exists for children like you and you can easily find others who have lived through the same experience to connect with. Therapy is not at all what I am after. I need to know others who live with the same circumstances to not feel alone and so different. It is like people that return from war who cannot share their experiences knowing that others cannot relate or would not believe them. These people feel most at ease with other war vets and need to keep that social aspect alive to feel like they fit in somewhere.

[ThatwasThen]

Does anyone know of any support groups for scapegoat children.

Yes, it's called Codependents Anonymous and there is a chapter near you.

 

Google it and find a meeting. I think they even have online meetings if there isn't a chapter near you.

 

You might even try Alanon or Alateen or Adult Children of Alcoholics if any of that applied to your situation

 

Here is a link on nutururing your inner child which you apparently need to do as your family wasn't there to nuture you when you WERE a child.

 

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Good luck.

 

Adding another link: link removed

[ThatwasThen]

I'm adding that I do hope that you've had some psycho therapy to help you get beyond what you say you've had to endure. Support is one thing... understanding why you are the way you are and having the tools to get over those negative learned traits takes more then support. You need to tools to get you past your past like how to set and maintain personal boundaries without feeling guilt. How to be assertive without being aggressive, how to learn how to love yourself, how to build up your self-confidence/self worth.

 

Have you had any therapy, Kattie?

[t1lersm0m1]

I never read your first post in its entirety. I apologize. Although you are calling it being a scapegoat, you were abused and neglected. Your father sexually abused you. He didn't do that to tramatize you the rest of your life. He wasn't thinking about your future. He was (is) sick and was thinking about his needs at the time.

 

Your mom was psychologically abusive, making you feel to ugly to be out in public and locking you in your room for days at a time.

 

Your sister in law blaming you for her infidelity is just ludicrous. Take the info for codependants anonymous. But you also need therapy. Eliminate your toxic family from your life. My mother is toxic, and I'm working on eliminating her from my life. If she can't change, then she will forever be removed from my life. Get into therapy, find support groups, and work on YOU.

 

You were a victim, but that doesn't have to define you. It took me a long time to graduate from victim to survivor. I played the victim a good chunk of my life. You can do it. You can put you first, and heal. It's not going to be easy. But the life you will enjoy afterward will be much easier than if you do nothing.

[Kattie]

Cool. These are great suggestions. I will do some Google searches to see what is in my area. Thanks a bunch. Being raised without any love is a strange thing. I wouldn't know where to begin to describe the emptiness.

 

Growing up, I often wished I could say that "it was the alcohol or the drugs, or the way my parents were raised/had to endure" that was the root cause, but it wasn't the case at all. They both came from very loving, middleclass homes and were well respected, seemingly well-adjusted members of the community. They had oodles of friends, plenty of money and not a single hardship. When I was sad or wearing rags or at school each day with no lunch (and not having had any breakfast either) mooching food, people thought I was being difficult and eccentric. I was beaten up at school plenty because they would see me living in this odd way and compare me to this really great family. Adults had the opinion that I was a sourpuss. I was even called autistic by a teacher.

 

Trust me that no one is on your side when there is no obvious dysfunction - not one person. Sometimes not even therapists. That is why people like me need each other - we have been misjudged for far too long. I want there to be much more awareness around this issue. Plenty of children die or commit suicide because of it. Like war vets we are our own special breed.

 

I don't have contact with my relatives... not for many years. When my daughter was ill and in the hospital I wished I had a mother or a father or a sibling to lend some moral support... at least a prayer. Same with all the important moments. That longing never goes away. I've never had any support. I cannot even fathom it.

[Kattie]

I do fit the codependency profile. I will follow up on that suggestion.

[ThatwasThen]

You know one of my childhood friends came from a (by all accounts) a

They both came from very loving, middleclass homes and were well respected, seemingly well-adjusted members of the community.

Her father was even an Elder in the Baptist Church that at the time I attended. I stopped going (haven't been back to a church for other then a wedding or funeral since and that would be for at least 40 years) after the hateful, unloving things I saw their so called religious well respected seemingly well-adjusted father did to my friend and her three siblings. I told my parents about it but in those days, people kept to themselves and minded their own biz if the children were well fed and didn't show any physical signs. Mental abuse wasn't considered I guess.

 

Anyway, she ended up moving thousands of miles away to live with an Aunt on the Prairies so that she'd be out of the turmoil. So... don't think that outside appearances are what they seem. Your parents were very likely abused in some way to learn that what they were doing was normal.

 

Anyway: Time to forego the victimhood concentrate on your goal of overcoming it all with the help of Coda/alanon/Adult children of Alcoholics/nurturing your inner child and professional therapy. Good luck with your own recovery.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, I don't think OP should assume his/her parents came from a loving/warm background. Growing up I thought my grandmother was a loving warm woman. I didn't know that before my grandfather died when my Mom was 11, he was physically abusive to my grandmother. My mother said her father was a wonderful father, but a terrible husband to her mother. He beat her. He got drunk and spent all of their money.

 

We are all victims raised by victims. But we have to stop the cycle of being a victim and graduate to survivor. I've been to therapy, but the best thing that helped me was self-help books. I read and read and read for three months to find the answers. And I found them. I found the strength to stop living the life of a victim. Before I did this, I had extremely low self-esteem. I was so insecure. I held onto grudges. I had my feelings hurt very easily. I was very jealous of people that had more physical things than me, or a better relationship than I had. I was such an unhappy person, and I never realized it. My life could be so much different today if I realized and dealt with this years ago. But my life is different now because I dealt with it two years ago, instead of letting it go on.

 

My heart goes out to you for what you've been through. I'm not trying to hurt you with what I'm about to say, but you need to stop pitying yourself. No one would want the life you had, but you have to deal with it and let go of the past. You have to learn to forgive. Not for them, for you. Forgiveness is VERY powerful. You can eliminate these people from your life, forgive them, close the door on your past, and have a bright and beautiful future. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I promise you, if I could do it, you can do it.

[t1lersm0m1]

I wanted to let you know, your thread helped me. I've been through things in life that pale in comparison to what you've been through. I've tossed the word Codependent around before in my head, or in conversations, but never really researched it like I wish I did. I'm codependent with my mother. She's mentally unstable, and is a recovered alcoholic and prescription pill popper. She treats me terribly and I put up with it.

 

I went to therapy yesterday, and I feel like I'm on a good track. I'm getting my life in order. Finding a place to live so my mother has no influence in my life, getting into therapy, I'm trying to be the best person I can be.

 

Someone helped me figure out previously, in the fall, that I have abandonment issues. But if you research codependency, abandonment is tied to it. So I never realized how much my mother affects my life.

 

I'm taking back my life.

 

I hope you get on the right track too to deal with your issues.

[meoww]

There is actually a community on Reddit that is pretty much what you're looking for.

 

Google "reddit--raised by narcissists"

It's pretty active, people post daily, do some digging and you'll probably find a lot of good stuff in there.

 

NPD families tend to abuse in this manner, having a scapegoat to absorb all the toxicity in the dysfunctional family dynamic.

 

I learned a lot of the terminology too, if you aren't familiar with these terms I'd look these up:

 

Gaslighting, triangulation, mirroring, projection, crazy making, shaming, scapegoat/goldenchild, idealization/devaluation, parentifying

 

Some acronyms for ya:

 

DARVO--stands for deny, attack, reverse victim and defender, something abusers often do

 

FOG--but victims are trapped by Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

 

For me the NPD label opened up a whole new world and community for me. I found literally thousands of posts, comments and forums where people share their pain from being raised in these kinds of environments.

 

I think it's very healing to identify as a victim, among millions of others who have suffered in very similar ways. We're all gonna make it! Maybe someday we'll even get our own parade...haha. I hope someday soon this kind of stuff is more out in the open. I've seen a huge surge in the number of websites dedicated to scapegoating and harder to detect kinds of abuse in the last 2-3 years.

 

On a more personal note, I keep the story of Genie, a feral child who was removed from her parent's care in the 1970's, close to my heart. Some parents take their scapegoating to such an extreme that there is no possibility for recovery. So sometimes I think about how I want to live my life to the fullest in honor of the people who will never get that chance.

[Kattie]

"On a more personal note, I keep the story of Genie, a feral child who was removed from her parent's care in the 1970's, close to my heart. Some parents take their scapegoating to such an extreme that there is no possibility for recovery. So sometimes I think about how I want to live my life to the fullest in honor of the people who will never get that chance. "

 

Thank you Meoww for such a beautiful and informative post!