Well, Didn't Snoop But Didn't Confront, Either

[WeeToad]

I've been posting this month about how my boyfriend (been exclusive for a few months now) has been withdrawing more and more when it comes to physical affection and intimacy. It has gone from me having to try to initiate everything with little reciprocation to where it stands lately, with my attempts getting no response at all. This past weekend I was planning to not snoop through his phone (I don't have a history of snooping but have been really tempted lately) and to ask him what the deal is with him hardly ever touching me anymore and ignoring all my attempts to be flirty or seductive.

 

Well I succeeded in resisting the urge to snoop on his phone, so I still have no idea what's on it, but I also couldn't bring myself to ask him what the heck is going on. It was just too awkward, and I really don't like making a fuss. My last relationship (the bad 3 year long one) had a lot of fighting in it, because I'd try to talk to him about our problems and he'd just stonewall me and act like I was melodramatic, until I actually got upset. I'd end up feeling stupid, wounded and embarrassed every time. So this past weekend I just didn't find myself over that baggage enough to be assertive with my current guy.

 

Instead the weekend went the way it always does lately, with all of my attempts getting completely ignored (trying to cuddle, walking around half-naked at night, giving him a massage, being verbally very flirty, etc). The last chunk of hours we spent together, there wasn't much to do in the moment, and we used to cuddle and watch movies/shows on the bed just automatically. So I sat on the bed in front of the TV and tried to look inviting as well as bored. He chose to sit in the corner at his desk for a solid two hours texting someone. He would read their text and then lock his phone, wait about 30 seconds and check it again, text them back if they had responded and then lock his phone again. In the meanwhile he worked on a class project half-heartedly.

 

He didn't say anything to me or even look at me for the longest time, and I just felt so ridiculously awkward. So I finally just pulled out my laptop to entertain myself. I got up and left the room for a little while, and when I came back, he was texting somebody. I glanced and it looked like a long conversation. He quickly closed the screen on his phone and just sat there. When we started talking about our shared hobby (he randomly started the topic) I tried to sound nonchalant but frankly I just felt terrible and awkward. I let him know he could take me home early and packed up my stuff.

 

On the drive back to my place I just had this sinking feeling like I really need to end this thing, because whether he's pursuing another woman from one of his classes or not, something is just not right here. I was staring out the window and mulling all of this over in silence, and he suddenly reached over and held my hand, which surprised me since he usually wouldn't do something like that these days. Felt like his car was full of a sense of doom and he seemed worried, too. I had also made a joke over the weekend about how I still wanted to be in the hobby group we're both in if he decides to break up with me someday. I was totally fishing for his response, admittedly, and he said in a rather straightforward manner that he didn't want to break up.

 

Anyway he dropped me off, gave me a peck kiss and we both said see ya. We're supposed to go to that hobby group together tomorrow night. I don't want to a ruin a fun night out with friends and fellow hobbyists, but I'm not sure I can just keep playing it cool beyond that. Starting to ponder how I might be able to ease the two of us into just a friendship . Blah.

[mhowe]

Why would you want to be friends with someone who treats you with such disrespect?

[WeeToad]

Why would you want to be friends with someone who treats you with such disrespect?

 

Well because we get along great in all other regards. I feel like we're already good friends, but that is a problem when we're supposed to be a couple. And a relatively new couple at that. Maybe I just have my own preconceived notions, but I was very excited to have a new romantic thing going months ago. I was excited about the cuddling, kissing, romantic tinge to conversations, being flirty, fooling around, all of it really. Instead I feel like I have another good friend but am still searching for a relationship. We met on a dating site, so when I contacted him for the first time, it was because I was looking for a boyfriend, and I assumed given the circumstance that he was also looking for some romance. I'd still enjoy his friendship if he was interested, but I also still feel the same sort of loneliness I did months ago. I feel that I've made another good friend, which is great and I'd like to keep this new friend, but I also want to keep looking for romance because that is still something I want.

[mhowe]

Ummm....then TALK to him!

[WeeToad]

I know, I know. I just wish I knew what to expect (ballpark at least) going into it, but I can't read him to save my life. He insists that he wants to be a couple, doesn't want to break up, says he worries that I'm losing interest sometimes, etc. But then he's randomly quit touching me, shows no interest in anything romance-wise, never verbalizes wanting me or thinking I'm attractive and would rather text mystery people in the corner than cuddle with me. I'm afraid I'm going to express myself only to get invalidated with him feigning ignorance or something. I went through that cyclically for 3 years with my ex. I am just so not up for it again. Maybe I'll just text him and ask him. I seem to come up with decent plans but then fail on the mustering-courage bit in the moment when I'm sitting there watching him ignore me.

[annie24]

Yeah you need to ask him what is up. If you're on the bed, and he's texting someone, pretty sure that's a girl.

[Realitynut]

Geez...handwriting on the wall....in great big LETTERS. .. He's texting another girl!!!!!

 

When a guy is continually on the phone to someone....for 2 hours....and you are half naked...and he's closing the screen...and locking his phone....duh.

 

 

The REASON he held your hand is GUILT! He doesn't want to say, lets break up, cuz that MAY cause a scene...and make him feel guilty too! He'll give you a peck, and hope it tides you over...after all...you haven't made any waves YET! He's thinking...yippee...I'm getting away with it....maybe i can STILL start this thing with this new girl....and string the OLD girl along.

 

Sorry. But you're the OLD girl....and he's stringing you along. Learn to stand up for yourself!!! Be assertive. Just because the last guy couldn't stand conflict of any sort...doesn't mean you have to be a DOORMAT to this guy!

[WeeToad]

Well I guess that settles it then. I'll just go home tomorrow night after the get together instead of going to his place, and I'll somehow figure out how to conclude things. Not really sure how to be a good (for lack of a better term) dumper. Should be interesting.

[HeartGoesOn]

Not really sure how to be a good (for lack of a better term) dumper. Should be interesting.

 

After the way he treated you this shouldn't require much thought.

[annie24]

I don't always consider a case like this to be a dumper. It's like a forced dumping. They are so bad to you that you have no choice.

[WeeToad]

I don't always consider a case like this to be a dumper. It's like a forced dumping. They are so bad to you that you have no choice.

 

That's what's so confusing, though. He doesn't treat me badly. He's a nice guy in just about every sense of the word. If we weren't a couple, I'd gush about him as a great friend. But he gives no indication that he's attracted to me or has any romantic-type feelings for me. But he insists that he wants us to be a couple. But then he spends our time together playing video games and texting other people even when I'm sitting half-naked on the bed. And in the beginning he was interested in fooling around. Then it abruptly stopped. It's really weird and confusing. I get the impression that he doesn't really want to be a couple but is too afraid to say so. I guess I will do him the favor.

[annie24]

Well that's certainly being a bad boyfriend.

[sadgirl23]

I've had a situation like this and had it blow up in my face that I was just over-reacting and being too sensitive.

I also wonder how one is to deal with a situation like this. It would be hard to get solid facts unless he's the sort of person that would come out and say honestly what's going on for him. Guys aren't mind readers. However a solid case for you is that you were making yourself available to him and he was choosing not to act on it.

If you feel like it's so awkward and can't deal with how he makes you feel then I would go with that and let it empower you in making a decision for yourself.

[WeeToad]

I've had a situation like this and had it blow up in my face that I was just over-reacting and being too sensitive.

I also wonder how one is to deal with a situation like this. It would be hard to get solid facts unless he's the sort of person that would come out and say honestly what's going on for him. Guys aren't mind readers. However a solid case for you is that you were making yourself available to him and he was choosing not to act on it.

If you feel like it's so awkward and can't deal with how he makes you feel then I would go with that and let it empower you in making a decision for yourself.

 

My ex always played that game with me. He'd make me feel rejected and insecure all the time, but also act like there was nothing wrong, that it was 'all in my head.' I would finally get really upset, and then he'd blow it back at me as me being crazy and melodramatic. I would try to give examples, but then the plausible deniability would come out in spades. Probably why I am so averse to having to bluntly confront problems in a relationship now. I feel like I have to figure things out and fix them on my own, or else I will just end up looking crazy.

 

I do feel that I have given so many indications that I would like us to be more like an actual couple. I've expressed it verbally in numerous ways, as well as given visual signs and made physical gestures, also making it clear that I find him attractive and enjoy being physical with him.

 

I actually had a goof up over the weekend. I had bought condoms several weeks ago just in case (I know it's probably the guy who should buy them, but sometimes I'm responsible to an awkward fault). They were still in my purse this weekend, and I was trying to find something. Rustling through my purse, the condoms wound up on the top with other things. He walked by and I am pretty sure he saw them. I thought I saw him glance at my purse out of the corner of my eye when he walked by. He let out a sort of short, cocky laugh but it wasn't at anything obvious, so I figured he was laughing at the condoms. This could also just be my paranoid insecurities by this point, too. Anyway I was pretty embarrassed and threw them away when I got home.

[Realitynut]

Hey, condoms aren't cheap...you didn't need to throw them away! Are you guys having sex??? Did he laugh thinking you had them for someone else?

 

Basically, if you ARE a gf/bf he IS treating you bad. Anytime he's txting someone else for HOURS...no matter WHO it is...and ignoring you...that's NOT a good boyfriend who is treating you good.

 

You are NOT the dumper. You are walking away from someone who doesn't CARE!

[WeeToad]

Hey, condoms aren't cheap...you didn't need to throw them away! Are you guys having sex??? Did he laugh thinking you had them for someone else?

 

Basically, if you ARE a gf/bf he IS treating you bad. Anytime he's txting someone else for HOURS...no matter WHO it is...and ignoring you...that's NOT a good boyfriend who is treating you good.

 

You are NOT the dumper. You are walking away from someone who doesn't CARE!

 

No we're not. He said he was inexperienced when we started dating. I'd given an ex oral years ago but that was it for me. I wasn't sure how fast or slow he'd wanna go given him claiming to be a virgin yet also being a seemingly healthy young adult male. Initially he seemed very interested in being intimate and fooling around, although not full-on sex, and he did let me go down on him. I eventually decided to buy condoms just in case. But he abruptly seemed to lose all interest in me physically. I think the most passionate thing we've done in the past month is hold hands.

[mila]

wow a lot of the replies are so negative! if are really into this relationship id say definitely talk to him before just ending it. I have been in a similar situation to you before (convinced my boyfriend was texting and calling another girl) and it turned out he had some blood tests taken and was worried about them and waiting for the results before talking to me because he didn't want to worry me so was getting support from a friend. While every situation is different I wouldn't end things without talking to him incase you are throwing away a perfectly good guy with some other issue... he may also be waiting for you to ask him if everything is okay, remember that men quite often find it hard to express emotions incase it is construed as weakness. good luck sweetheart.

[Unreasonable]

Just FYI, walking around half naked isn't communication. Don't assume that's automatically going to get you the response you want. You should focus less on non-verbal cues and more on verbal ones. These are the ones men pay attention to, and is a big reason men complain about "mind-reading."

[Realitynut]

No we're not. He said he was inexperienced when we started dating. I'd given an ex oral years ago but that was it for me. I wasn't sure how fast or slow he'd wanna go given him claiming to be a virgin yet also being a seemingly healthy young adult male. Initially he seemed very interested in being intimate and fooling around, although not full-on sex, and he did let me go down on him. I eventually decided to buy condoms just in case. But he abruptly seemed to lose all interest in me physically. I think the most passionate thing we've done in the past month is hold hands.

 

This changes everything. And i won't say what i think.....

 

(it might not be another girl....)

[WeeToad]

Just FYI, walking around half naked isn't communication. Don't assume that's automatically going to get you the response you want. You should focus less on non-verbal cues and more on verbal ones. These are the ones men pay attention to, and is a big reason men complain about "mind-reading."

 

True, but I've also verbally flirted a lot and verbally expressed my desire to be more physical. My usual approach starts out with non-sexual physical affection, then verbal flirting (sometimes quite suggestive) and then followed by an attempt to more visually seduce. I've mixed up the order a few times. Just not happenin.

[WeeToad]

This changes everything. And i won't say what i think.....

 

(it might not be another girl....)

 

Possibly, although I'd guess him to be bi before I'd guess him to be gay, if he likes guys. He has plenty of female erotic material in his apartment, the typical college guy sort of stuff. He's also extremely close to his mother and seems to think the world of her. She's always posting on his FB and calling him occasionally just being supportive and seeing if he needs any money. Most of his friends during his teen years seem to have been women. He once told me that he usually played the therapy role to all of his friends, and I asked him who was the person who he usually confided in back in those days. He answered that the only "girl" he had ever opened up to was such-and-such. Thought it was interesting that he specified girl when we were talking about friends in general. So I don't think he's averse to women. But he might have something else goin on. I don't know. He's the pretend-everything-is-fine sort of person. He'll ask me if I'm hungry. I'll say not really but that I'd enjoy going out to grab a bite somewhere with him if he's hungry. He's quickly back off the topic like "no it's fine, I can wait" even though his stomach is growling. Just weird stuff like that, like he can't assert his own basic needs and needs my permission to do something like.. eat. So if he was gay or something, pretty sure no way in hell he'd tell me. Won't even admit to me when he wants a snack. =.=

[Iggles]

He's also extremely close to his mother and seems to think the world of her. She's always posting on his FB and calling him occasionally just being supportive and seeing if he needs any money. Most of his friends during his teen years seem to have been women.

 

Plenty of gay men are close to their mother, so I wouldn't take him being a momma's boy as any indication of his sexuality.

 

However, having most female friend is. Many gay men primarily socialize with girls during their formative years, and make gay male friends when their older and already out..

 

Personally, if I got vibes that a guy I'm dating may be into other guys I'm move on. Life is too short to play guessing games on whether he's attracted to my gender!

[Realitynut]

Or the smaller picture of.....is he even attracted to ME!!! Doesn't seem that way!