sadgirl23

Even though I've been with other people and tried to move on from you, your body feels like home to me -there is no one else that I love being with. At the start when we were together we used to write to each other so much, I would be so excited for the times we would get to be together and everytime we are together it's awesome. What happened. If you were feeling like something wasn't the same anymore, even though it might be scary to think there would be a huge reaction -it would have made more sense to be straight up and avoid the aggravation. Don't hold me to fault for loving you. Just think how you would feel if I was outright denying you and shooting you down. You want me to have feelings for you, then you can't deal with it.

I don't miss the sex, I miss you. I wake up every morning with a heavy heart. I don't know if I had false hope. But I do know I would have been in a better position right now if I had not let things go so far.

The reason I dated lots of other guys was because all the stuff we went through made me feel so low and unwanted and made me doubt myself. It always takes me down a notch. It was nice at first to feel wanted, to know that I am attractive, to know that I'm not crazy -other people can give me what I need. The only thing was that even throughout all that I still came back to feeling like you were the one I connected best with (all the drama aside). When I saw that you still seem to think about me I thought just go for it. But again you take me down a notch. Criticising me and finding fault and bringing up old issues. Not focusing on the positive. Not respecting me. I wasn't deliberately trying to drop stories of other guys into the conversation. And I can see why that would bother you, it would bother me too. And I'm sorry. It was thoughtless. All the drama of last year clouded my ability to see things from your perspective -you came back to me and made yourself vulnerable and you dove in and invested yourself and ended up getting hurt. It probably is extra salt in the wounds to see me be so insensitive to thoughtlessly bring up other people as if you're cold and unfeeling. I guess I was awkwardly trying to address the elephant in the room -that yes we saw other people. Unnecessary. I feel like if you really wanted me, you would give me grace around that. Instead I'm made to feel childish again. Being schooled by you and not good enough.

I had the time of my life with you. I saw beautiful things and it shows in the photos I took, I was inspired. I look at them and think I was happy but know in the moment I wasn't fully or didn't know it. You're so distant. No photos of us together. Why? I like to keep all that in a little bubble and not think of it being tainted by the thought of you doing those things with someone else. I thought it was special. I wanted it to always be you and I travelling, going on adventures together. Why couldn't you see it. Why wasn't it enough.

I never want to cut anyone out of my life. The thought of you not caring if you ever hear from me hurts me, too. When you thought I was planning on seeing my ex you called me a dog and told me to stay out of your life, what a hypocrite. To me, breaking up is usually the last resort. I would prefer to stay together and try to work things out rather than end things in the heat of the moment, at the first sign of problems. Because the problems don't just go away. Taking time apart makes me think about them. Healthy relationships and arguments should not be about the last word it should be about the content and reaching an outcome that suits and favours both parties. I think the absence does make the heart grow fonder and I have been completely bamboozled. I've been like a 'love zombie'. I have felt like when I don't have the full information/evidence I doubt myself and cave in, wanting to believe the best in you. We have both been weak willed. Why break up if we're just going to keep getting back together again. Keeping saying 'stay out of my life/I'm going to block you' -looses it's meaning after so many times of going back on it. So does saying I love you or want a future with you. The words have lost all meaning and all that is left are the actions. And the last ones I was left with were that you used me for sex then you tried to show me it was more and when you thought an ex girlfriend randomly showed up you panicked and silenced me. It's got to be one way or the other. It had to stop. The on and off has been soo damaging. I don't break up with you so I can go get attention or sex from other people. If that was your true intention then I needed to to know that so I could stop deluding myself that it was more. When you unblock me you talk to me about sexual things -when you are seeing/sleeping with someone else. You only tell me you love me or were committed when it comes to the crunch that I'm cutting you off. You don't seem to apologise of your own free will or remorse. If I had just let things be at times you had broken up with me I would have never heard an apology or how you feel. I have to stop fooling myself that I'm okay with that. I don't want your platitudes of wishing me happiness. Because I thought I had and wanted happiness with you. Because it implies I'll never be happy if I cut you out of my life -and that's just childish. What you are saying equates to punching me in the guts and then saying 'hope you feel better!'

You really hurt me. I'm stunned. I feel like I don't know you at all. I think of you with someone else and I feel sick. It has made me feel so bad about myself -I find myself comparing myself to other girls at the pool and imagining you having sex with someone else. I feel used and like you threw me out like yesterday's garbage.

I can understand the idle chit chat between you and your ex. You were open about me in front of your daughter and friends. But I'd honestly like to know how often it is that you two talk to each other -is it on a personal level? Like about what's on TV if you're bored at home? Do you listen to music together? I found myself doing that once when we first started seeing each other. Sometimes when I'm really sad I feel like calling my ex because I feel like he knows me better than anybody else. But he's not that person for me any more. I want to have a relationship with someone who is my 'lover' and best friend. Was the decision to separate (at couple's counselling) mutual? Do you think she still wants you back? You say you want to live with someone, come home to them. In that situation how would you see the level of communication with your ex and vice versa if she were to get into a relationship. Surely one day there will be a new man in her life to help her out and do things for her (and your daughter) -just as you have done for me. Who might want to live with her and/or have children with her. Can you honestly say without a doubt that you no longer have any attachment or attraction to her.

DAY 3: Weird, I don't even feel that sad. I noticed last night that he unblocked me from Facebook. I'm trying really hard not to take the bait. I'm very curious why he did that. In the past my gut would be in knots, I'd be unable to sleep, in a fog, unable to concentrate for long. I'm surprised how okay I feel considering. I'm not sure what this means. I still think about him lots but only in the sense of curiosity about what he thinks of this. I don't want to break NC (yet?) because I'm worried if I do the feeling of being okay will be un-done. I'm a bit worried the longer I leave it though, it will be irreparable -he may think I'm not thinking of him, just heartless. It's a strange feeling to be over for good after so much reconcilliation. I'm wondering if some sadness is going to hit me out of the blue soon. I hope not.

DAY 2: I had a really good sleep last night. Normally I'd be tossing and turning, thinking about him, feeling mixed up and hurting. Just slept. Still thought about him when I woke up. And most of today. But writing it out here has been a good outlet. I'm more able to focus on my kids. I did feel the emptiness of not having the usual messages from him asking how I am. Felt down about ever having that again and feeling like a lonely cat lady -will anybody know if anything ever happened to me. Being alone sucks. That sort of guff. I still wonder what he's thinking/feeling. But if it's not much I don't want to know. So I think I'm better off to stay away for my own sanity. I still feel like I want to say sorry to him. I think about spending next summer without him and feel sad.

When we were in the car and you told me your ex was going to the *** concert and probably wants to go to *** it really irritated me. I'm sick of hearing about her. I also like both those artists and both of them sing songs that are about sex/relationships. Every couple usually has a song. I don't want to hear about it. I want to have something that is special between us and not have songs I like ruined by the thought of her. I feel like I've also said so many times about how I like to lie in bed and cuddle in the morning but I felt if I told you it would just kill things again. I've already had you walk out on me twice during sex and talking about it too much was not good. I just felt like in the long run I don't know how much of that I could put up with/brush off, especially if it's difficult to talk about it calmly. I felt like I need someone who is a bit more sensitive to what I say and just listens, takes it on board, not storms off. I also felt like if I say something then you are only doing it because I said so. If I brought up my ex everytime you said something about yours maybe then you might stop, but that seems childish.

oops new here and don't know how to delete a post I made by accident

DAY 1 He has blocked me on Facebook and said he deleted my number. Didn't get much done today except ruminating about the whole break up. Wondering how he might be feeling about it, what he's doing, is he sad or still angry. Impulsively went to his house to say sorry; so glad he wasn't home. I will never do that again -not a stalker! So glad I found this site. Feeling bad wondering if I made the right decision to have caused it to end but pretty certain there is no going back and that hurts. Not feeling like I want to get back with him, but deeply sad that I may have caused a great thing to end prematurely. Actually it makes me feel sick, and still wondering if talking to him would make me feel better. Going to keep back coming here as it's better than drafting emails to send him. I'm thinking NC is good for space right now and read a good bit of advice on here saying contacting them is like holding their hand through the break up while you end up staying hurt.