Loving BF making comments about my weight... help...

[whitwhit]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7... almost 8 months now. He is a medical student and I am a teacher. He is 27, I am 25. As a partner it has been a wonderful experience so far dating him; he is loving, romantic, sweet, helpful, affectionate and silly. Personality wise, we are very well matched and my friends love him.

 

He is a triathlete, very fit- little to not fat on his body and a gloriously toned behind. I am slightly taller than him. We are an odd couple, but I do love it... and him, dearly.

 

I am in the process of changing my eating and exercising habits. By no means am I obese, but I am not entirely skinny either. I guess I would consider myself a little chubby, but still very attractive. Health wise, I am about 15 pounds overweight (according to the BMI scale). By the way, my body in no way bothers me. I am comfortable with it. I am changing my habits to increase my energy and help me get out of some mild seasonal depression I have been going through.

 

In america, my body size/shape would be a non-issue. But I live in Japan, the land of the 20 to 22 BMI standard, and my boyfriend is Japanese.

 

In this culture, its not considered rude or insensitive to straight up tell someone they are fat and that they should lose some weight. Japanese people with extra weight will nod and smile and the conversation will move on.

 

I am not a Japanese person, and have told him it hurts my feelings when he makes comments about my body. Since then he has toned this down a lot, but it doesn't change the fact that inside his head he thinks my body is not as it should be.

 

It's really confusing to me, because he continues to confess his feelings for me, to be romantic, to develop our relationship beautifully. We talk at least twice a day and see each other every day we are both free (around 2-3 days a week).

 

But I sometimes wonder if he sees us as going nowhere if I do not "reduce my weight." Verbally, he insists he is crazy about me when I bring this up. He says, "I want you to be healthy." I feel that I do my best to be healthy, minus a few weak moments, as is normal.

 

This is a huge red flag, but I really would like to keep the romance going as this one is a real catch in every other arena. The last person I dated did something like this to me too, making comments about how he would marry me if I got myself into better shape. I dumped him because he was a loser, I do not want to dump this guy.

 

But irregardless of whether this extra weight comes off me, how will our relationship be worthwhile if he can't accept my body as it is?

[Feast]

I think he should accept your weight as is. My last GF was heavier than I but I accepted that as part of the package. I never told her to lose weight nor implied it. I did have a problem when she got heavier later in the relationship, I attempted to resolve this by jointly eating more healthy and joint exercise. Still didnt tell her upfront, but implying was probably there due to the additional activities. With the additional weight, it ended up affecting my attraction and probably contributed to a minor degree to our break up. I think I'd tell him your happy with your current weight and that this seems like a normal healthy weight per MY standards.

[missmarple]

I don't care how 'perfect' a guy is or how different his culture is to mine. I won't allow anyone to make me feel like I'm less than perfect in his eyes. Especially if I already had an experience like the one you had with your ex.

Ok, you don't want to dump him...but, think about it for a minute...what if you gain weight? People, especially women, gain weight easily..there are hormonal changes, periods of 'to hell with weight, I'm going to eat this', diseases, pregnancy, etc etc. Even athletes can gain weight.

If he already has a problem when you're just 15 pounds overweight AND you're doing things to change your habits, how is he going to react if you gain 30 pounds?

I wouldn't be able to live with someone if I knew that they think my body isn't 'as it should be'. You need to deal with this issue sooner rather than later or you could be looking at years of constantly counting every calorie that goes in your mouth.

[Fudgie]

I don't care how 'perfect' a guy is or how different his culture is to mine. I won't allow anyone to make me feel like I'm less than perfect in his eyes.

 

But no one is perfect, so why should your partner see you as perfect? Your partner should love you regardless but I don't think it's possible for a partner to think you are PERFECT. Everyone has their flaws. Everyone. And if you're with anyone for any amount of time, they will see them and that's okay.

 

Anyway, is he still making these comments? I do think they shouldn't make them if they bother you. If he is still very much into the relationship and loves you and is developing the relationship with you, don't worry. I would tell him that you don't want to lose the weight, that you like your body the way it is, and how does he feel about that? See what he says/does. If he acts okay and you guys continue having a good relationship, don't worry about it.

 

Remember, actions speak louder than words in this case. If he continues to be loving, there is your answer.

[MisUnderstood9]

This bothers me a bit. He's making comments about your weight? That's not acceptable. If he wants to be with you he would love everything about you, weight and all.

 

If its something you want to change then have at 'er. If it is something you feel you need to change in order to keep him interested, thats not right.

[Snny]

Culture shock much?

 

Telling him to "accept who you are" or to "get over it" will only go so far because she is battling with a culture who views women as second-class citizens and very petite figures as a sign of beauty. You live in Japan and have to deal with their culture now. Also, Korean and Japanese societies do not exercise social filters that most Westerners would. I have heard stories from friends teaching in those countries (both Korea and Japan) about the things kids would outright say to them that would not be deemed appropriate in Westernized society (one of them who is black had an elementary school aged child in Japan reference the size of his genitalia).

 

Also... sorry if this hurts ladies... no matter what culture you are from, there are a lot of men who have a body type preference when it comes to attraction. I learned that from link removed.

 

My only advice to you OP is to be proactive if you want to stay with this man. You mentioned before that you are dieting and are taking steps to eating healthy. I would combine that with working out and invite your boyfriend to come join you (play a fitness game, jog/hike together, etc.)

[lerenard]

First of all - but it doesn't change the fact that inside his head he thinks my body is not as it should be - you have no idea what he thinks inside his head.

His culture is different about that issue, so you need to accept him too for what he is and for his view.

 

If you like how you look, you like your BF, and he does everything a loyal BF does - whats your problem? Its not like he goes around pointing his fingers at you and calling you fat, right? as I understood he stopped mentioning your weight after you talked with him and your concern comes from what you think he thinks inside his head.

And another question - if you want to be healthy and energetic, don't you think chubbiness should go anyhow? You can`t just get more energy and be more fit without toning your body, even if a bit.

[mmnyc5052]

No matter the culture or race or religion, making demeaning comments is unnecessary and unfair to anyone regarding their weight. More than likely, and I see this is your case, you know full well your situation, so those comments don't help at all.

 

If he loves you he accepts you as you are, without wishing you'd change. If he keeps making comments, Id leave. He should know you get it and are trying to make a difference. Unless you fall totally flat, he needs to leave you be. If he keeps trying to make you into some skinny model size 2, when you know you aren't, he won't ever be happy and nor will you.

[Snny]

No matter the culture or race or religion, making demeaning comments is unnecessary and unfair to anyone regarding their weight. More than likely, and I see this is your case, you know full well your situation, so those comments don't help at all.

Given the context from the first post and the descriptions of her boyfriend and his culture, I doubt seriously he was attempting to disrespect her. Respect is defined by cultural standards and expectations. Plus you and I don't know the full context of how it was said by him, so it isn't "fair" to judge something when possibly pulled out of context either.

 

If Japanese culture sees that it's ok to openly point out a person's physical attributes (this including skin color, weight, etc) there is nothing the OP can do- especially since she is considered a gaijin ("outsider" in Japanese, used both as an insult or just a mere "observed fact"). All of my friends who have taught in Asia had to deal with that stigma and find ways to be "accepted." She is living among their society and needs to figure out a way to cope and manage- even it if means being proactive with trying to lose weight. If she were living in among Western society, then yes her boyfriend really is a jerk- but in this case I don't think the boyfriend even realizes that is taken as an insult toward her from a cultural standpoint.

[poetryandlyrics]

I agree with Snny. Deaf culture is a bit like that (I'm raised in both hearing and Deaf world myself, am hard of hearing myself). We can be pretty blunt like that and it's not really about disrespect, believe me. I remember my first culture shock of in my Deaf high school (I was deemed "hearing," as in acting "hearing" at the start. Now I know the culture more), even cried. But you know what? I remember crying because of this one girl over what she said, and she comforted me after, apologized, and rearranged her words. No one really means anything but sometimes things are so rooted in culture. It becomes a part of a personality trait. While I'm not as blunt as some of them, I can still be rather blunt. I try to keep a mind on it for hearing people, but I still get to be called blunt. It's rooted.

 

And yeah, Asian culture can be pretty blunt as well.

 

I do think another change would be talking to your bf further about this and maybe make suggestions like... If he feels the need to say anything about it, then he can replace his words with an invitation to join him for a walk instead. That can help him out and help you out in the long run too for being proactive with your weight.

[nutbrownhare]

He insists he's crazy about you, and he's still with you. This guy can't win - if he desists from making comments about your weight then you still get upset about what you imagine he's thinking. Who knows what's going on inside his head? If he's still being romantic with you, then he clearly does accept your body as it is. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Partners have commented about my weight, too, for the opposite reason. I'm not unhealthy, but my BMI is below 20 - one guy, in particular, told me I needed to gain at least seven pounds - and I told him where to get off. It sounds as though you are happy and content at the size you are (just as I am with the size I am!), and it's far more important to feel comfortable in your own skin than it is to try and starve/sculpt your body into a cultural ideal which doesn't fit for you.

 

That said, it is a good idea to cultivate healthy eating and exercise habits from a young age, for your own wellbeing. Believe me, when you're 50, you'll be really glad you did!