NC vs Closure: How to heal?

[brucewayne]

Hi Guys I wanted to put up a post with a particular issue I’m having with my breakup. There are a lot of you out there who have been through exactly the same thing, so to get your opinions with the luxury of hindsight would be really valuable to me.

 

My other post on the site has a more detailed account of my breakup, but in short basically I was in a relationship for a year, half of which was long distance. We talked about moving my life to be with her and I was only a month away from visiting when she dumped me….out the blue…by email…days before Xmas. She had cut me out her life overnight, blocked me from all social media without even talking to me about it. Of course I soon found out she cheated on me and left me for another guy. I was so in love with her and when I heard the news I was completely devastated.

 

Fast forward a few months and here I am, 42 days NC but still heartbroken and generally depressed about the situation still. Don’t get me wrong, things are not as bad as they were, but I’m still quite a bit away from being healed. Anyway the crux of my dilemma is based on the fact I felt I never got closure. I still don’t understand how and why this happened. My ex never spoke to me about the breakup and even when I replied to one of her emails telling her I had found out about what she had done, there was no reply. Admittedly by the way I had written the email there was no direct questions or accusations – I was trying to be dignified - but still, no closure that a lot of people get in normal breakups.

 

So I have a theory I’d like your opinions on. Is my slow recovery due to the fact I never got closure, if I sent her an email asking to address some of the things that still perplex me would this help me get over this quicker? Or would this just set me back?! 42 days of NC is a lot and I’d hate to even think that one kneejerk email would set me back. Perhaps fulfilling a 60/90 NC challenge first would be a more sensible option first.

 

Guys, I’m just sick and tired of feeling sad. I want to be able to move on from this. I know it’s over and I wouldn’t take her back after the cheating, but at one point I really loved and respected this girl. The cruel way it ended really has got me down. Please if you could offer your opinions on the best strategy to heal and get over this it would mean the world to me.

[silversoul]

She won't be able to answer any of your questions. I too was dumped for someone else and completely ignored. Save your dignity and walk away, don't contact her. Just curious, what do you want or expect her to say?

[jphcbpa]

Getting answers to you questions will just produce more questions. You get closure from within yourself. 42 days is a looooooong time. It is not worth setting you back. Fact is, if she cheated on you why would she tell you the truth to your questions. She is a cheat and a liar.

[nutbrownhare]

Healing doesn't need to involve her. In fact, as you are probably already aware, contacting her would destroy any healing you've managed to do already. If you were in love with someone, 42 days isn't very long NC, so it's not surprising you're still hurting.

 

Getting any information from her will devastate your self esteem, and not help you move on. What you really need to concentrate on are your own feelings of anger, pain, betrayal - all the rest, and let yourself feel them keenly. Cry if you need to. Vent on the 'Post here instead of contacting your ex' thread. Feel your anger and let it energise you in whatever way fits for you - whether it's sport or some other physical activity. Beat up the pillows. I personally found it very helpful to burn a photo of my ex, take the ashes to the sea shore and watch the waves gently carry them away. Though a WC would have been just as effective.

 

Whatever... but recognise that she's in the past, she's no longer part of your life, and she can't cheat on you again. Let yourself know that your emotions are yours to deal with now, and deal with them in the most constructive way possible. It's still very raw and very real now, it's just early days, but it WILL get better.

 

(((HUGS)))

[jstew2000]

I feel your pain. I had 5 weeks NC and broke it. I feel the same way everyday. I never got any closure and you may never fully understand why or get closure. We have to accept without fully understanding sometimes and have faith that it's for the best. My ex cheated on me btw and I still am pining at certain times of the day and want her back. It's hard. You're not alone...

[JA0371]

Sometimes closure comes by getting angry at an ex who has hurt you...and laying it all out there. It's not for their benefit, it's for yours. If you've been carying the burden of the breakup around, then put it down. Some will say don't break NC, but sometimes just letting it all out is cathartic. Just don't without the expectation of hearing back from her.

[silversoul]

Closure comes from accepting that your ex is a cheater and not stooping to their level looking for explanations. Life's unfair, no one owes you anything, especially a cheating ex. Closure comes from respecting yourself and not needing anything from a cheater.

[roberto1]

What can she tell you ? That she is in love with that guy and not with you? That she wants to be "friends" and really cares about you and after that she goes and sees her new bf. Really, i will feel much, much, much worse than now. The only reason you want " closure " is because you want , in a way or another , to contact her. It's hard , i know, it's extremely hard not to talk to the person you want to love. When you get over this you will see that contacting her would only have brought you more pain. The only closure you need is this : she cheated on you, lied to you and treated you horribly. What else can she say which isn't more lies ? Even the truth will hurt you. Good luck ! Hope you get over her soon

[brucewayne]

Thanks for all the responses

 

She won't be able to answer any of your questions. I too was dumped for someone else and completely ignored. Save your dignity and walk away, don't contact her. Just curious, what do you want or expect her to say?

 

I guess the main thing I’d ask her is why did have to go about it the way she did, by email, blocking me on everything overnight, deleting our mutual friends. She must have known I would have found out so it couldn’t have been to save my feelings. It was just so disrespectful.

 

I’d also ask why she couldn’t have just spoken to me about how she felt. It came out the blue. What still tortures me is still the idea that it was the distance that killed us. If she was finding long distance tough we could have worked on it and been honest with each other. Not jump into bed with someone else

 

Do these seem like pointless questions?

 

 

I've been very dedicated to NC. I've deleted and binned everything to do with her - contacts, postcards, presents, pictures, old messages, all her fb friends etc...Yet still after 42 days I still think of her all the time. I would never take her back, I would never respect myself for doing it. It all still seems so out of character. I just want to know where it went wrong. Maybe I’m just hanging onto the idea that she's the good person I thought she was. I miss her and I hate that fact....

 

42 days seems like a long time and I guess I'm just disappointed in my lack of progress. I don't want this breakup to go on spoiling my life for much longer.

[silversoul]

These are not pointless questions, but it would be pointless to ask her answer them. She did it that way because she's selfish and didn't care enough to explain herself to you. Again, she didn't speak to you about her feelings because she didn't care enough to work out things between you two. 6 months is not long, especially if you were considering moving closer to her. She simply didn't care anymore and it was imposssible for you to notice that since she was far away. You only knew her for year and if she did all this, it proves that she's capable of doing that.

 

42 days is not long, I started feeling better at 4 month mark and I'm still healing.

[jonyyy]

If you didn't acted wrongly with her and you were caught out of the blue you will not have "closure" answers from her. But yes this is one of the reasons healing is taking longer. And also another: because you were in LDR you were somehow used to be without her. So now you're in this weird limbo.

 

Even if she would reply to you and tell you the truth... the truth is that she was weak, coward and she fell for someone else, she gave up fighting for you and comunicating with you. She revealed the worst of her, she might have met new realities/people that changed her personality. I think that covers it. Would you have closure from that? Probably not.

 

 

 

The answers are likely the following:

 

- She was coward and ashamed.

- She might have not wanted to lose you in the first instance.

 

EDIT: and yes the long distance definitly helped killing your R/S. But it doesn't mean that if you were not in LDR something else wouldn't have come along and destroy the R/S. There's a huge amount of luck and randomness in R/Ss.

[silversoul]

I don't it's wise to assumed she's ashamed. It seems to me this kind of people are simply unable to feel shame due to their selfishness. I think she just couldn't be bothered, especially considering they've not seen each other for 6 months.

[jonyyy]

Maybe. When I say they have shame, I'm assuming that a basic/standard human being doesn't like to do such awful actions on purpose. Unless it's some sociopath or something.

 

But yes these people usually do not have the same core morals/standards so even though they might know it's wrong of feel bad/shame it wont lask long. They quickly rationalize good excuses with their consciences.

[silversoul]

They quickly rationalize good excuses with their consciences.

- yeah this is very true of my ex.

[brucewayne]

Jonyyy you commented on my last post, I really appreciate your insights, I know you went through something similar. I think she was ashamed to an extent. She was telling me she loved me days before she broke up. She even sent me an Xmas present days before. The cheating must have prompted the sudden break-up and she knew how that would of made her look.

 

And as for the long distance thing, again yes, you're probably right. I hope you are to an extent. One of the things that makes me feel slightly better is that although the long distance might have helped kill my relationship now, it would have meant I avoided the same fate further down the line. Well that's what I like to think anyway....

 

Just out of interest, did you ever get closure, and if so how and how long?

 

P.S I'm a bit scared by your 4 months of NC till healing silversoul...

[jonyyy]

- yeah this is very true of my ex.

 

I remember in one of the final talks with my Ex, I said to her something like this:

 

Me: so after all these years together, I thought you were a good person a good heart. But now I see that you're also capable of the worst, you have it in you. You can be absolutely terrible with other people.

 

Her: what? oh that's not fair, I'm shocked you're saying that. I've always been right with you, a great girlfriend all these years. I just did this thing wrong this time.. come on...

 

Me: I'm not denying your qualities, you have good qualities but you're also capable of doing terrible things towards people.

 

She: we all have that.

 

 

So you see she had already had that "discussion" with her conscience and rationalized that... hm yeah I'm just human, I've always did good, just this one time I did bad but hey I'm still a good person with the right values.

[silversoul]

My ex too told me that he loved me, on the day of the break up. It's pretty common as I gathered from reading threads on this forum. It's not been 4 months of NC, I think I went NC in late January. If you really loved her, be prepared that it will take long, but the pain subsides, it gets weaker with time. One more thing: my ex told me that he's not over me in mid December and in January he was officially in rp with her, so don't trust anything your ex says

[silversoul]

yeah she did what she thought was best for her, and humans are good at rationalizing what they feel is good for them.

[brucewayne]

ahhhh man, that sucks. But at least you got that off your chest. Years ago I had a relationship which ended and I behaved like a brat, lost all my dignity. In a way it only justified her decision. This time around I was determined to be the bigger person, not act angry and maintain my dignity.

 

However part of me feels I should have just been honest with my emotions. I did write her a final email wrapping things up after we had some housekeeping to do, but it was along the lines of: I know what happened, you should of been honest with me, good luck with the rest of your life.

 

To this day, I still rewrite that email in my head, giving her dogs abuse. Maybe I should of let her have it, although deep down it's probably because I want her to feel as bad as she made me feel... I think after 3 months the moment has passed anyway. I hope years (ideally months) from now I'll be happy with the way I behaved and not still frustrated with the situation.

[sonicfan287]

Hey BruceWayne

 

It seems quite common in these situations (I'm not exactly telling you anything new since you've read the other reactions) that the dumpee wants an explanation, whether it be through some kind of "final email" or text message or whatever. The problem with your scenario and many others like these, is that they (the dumpee) seeks resolution through contacting their ex but essentially, they're just starting another cycle. The "final" email is meant to be that, a final email. So if you send this email to her, what's to say she doesn't either ignore it (stimulating more anger on your part and tempting you to send ANOTHER email) or answer you half heartedly, leaving you with MORE questions. At which point, when does it end?

 

I don't say this as anyone who's had success on these matters, by the way. My ex broke up with me over 2 years ago. This wasn't her first time dumping me either and if the first 2 times taught me anything, it's that I shouldn't keep contacting her. So I didn't. I kept my distance for (at the time) an impressive 4 months but just as many others, I needed this closure. I was deeply disturbed that after hearing from her that our breakup was due to (generic reasons 1-3) that it really was more likely that she dumped be because she got a boyfriend 3 days after we broke up, who just happened to be a "friend" of hers while we were dating. So in my head, I was obsessed with knowing, was it really anything I did or was it more of just another guy being in the picture? Either way, I shouldn't have cared because I was long gone and wanted nothing to do with her and yet this ate away at me.

 

To justify my own "final contact" with her, I did have a legitimate reason lined up. We had been together for a while and I had left several things at her house (assuming I'd get them back because we saw each other almost every week). When we broke up, she didn't bother to ask me if I wanted any of my movies or a couple old shirts I had left there. The shirts I could care less about (they were just white t-shirts) but some of the movies were actually of value to me and they weren't gifts, they were movies I had brought from home. So, this was my reason to call her, to politely ask for my dvd's back. Well, one thing led to another and it didn't end up being so polite. Long story short, I got my dvd's back... along with some of my answers. It didn't really make me feel any better but it didn't make me feel worse either. Of course, keep in mind, at this point I was almost 6 months post BU (yeah, she took almost 2 months to get me back my dvds).

 

Basically, what you feel is normal and not cause for concern. You're fighting through it well and the varying perspectives you'll find on here will at the very least help you come to peace with your decisions which sound very mature (and I speak from experience). Stay on the high road and you'll be fine. Time is on your side.

[Mesemene]

Honestly, I don't mean to be discouraging, but 42 days isn't terribly long to get over a year long relationship.

 

You invested more than 42 days into it. It'll take a bit more than that for you to pull your investment back out, and a bit more still to feel ready to explore new waters.

 

Closure... it generally comes from yourself. Hearing what the dumper has to say - often it gives more questions than answers. Many times the dumper can't GIVE a clear answer. After all, how do you explain that even though you still care about someone, you gradually hit a point where, for you, they weren't "the one?" As long as the guy/girl wasn't abusive, a jerk, horrible etc - they can't put their finger on it - it just wasn't "it." The end result is still you're questioning "why (or why not) me?" Only you can decide that you're ready to look forward and not back, and start putting some of that energy back into yourself. And stop letting someone else's decisions and emotions rule your life. You'll get there - just realistically, it takes time.

[Suly]

I'm proud of you for going that long. I'm still trying to start NC after over a month and a half. It's incredibly difficult. Closure is f-ed up and I understand exactly what you're saying. I wanted it, but it never really closes when you open the door to talk about things. Just important to note you won't get her back and shouldn't want her back. I'm only writing this to remind myself of that exact thing with my ex boyfriend...

[ParisPaulette]

I've been there and I'm going to tell you, closure isn't what you think it is. You don't get closure by hearing from them what you want to hear. She won't ever tell you what you did wrong, because you didn't do anything wrong--she did. She's the one who cheated on you and left you for someone else. That's it. She was weak or a coward or both and couldn't just woman up and tell you to your face that she wasn't happy in the relationship any more. And since she left in a cowardly way you can pretty much just know the girl isn't someone who can or will accept responsibility for her own actions and just admit she was wrong. She won't ever say anything to you, because she will do anything possible not to have to confront you--and more importantly herself--with the blunt truth of the matter. She was too much of a coward to just end things when she either knew she wasn't happy or she knew she would cheat on you. Deceptive people and cowards don't generally own up to their own mistakes and they aren't about making other people feel better either, so you can wait until the end of time but she is never going to tell you anything that you want to hear. She can't, because it would mean she'd have to admit her own actions to herself.

 

In the end it's not just you she ran away from, it's herself. And she'll likely repeat that same action with the new guy and then the one after him and the one after that and.and.and until the day she decides to stop running. If she ever does.

 

You can give yourself closure the way I did by taking back your life from the ghost of them. For me that meant going back to the places I loved, listening to the music I had enjoyed before him, doing all of the things that had been mine first and that I'd shared with him and then during the worst part of the breakup couldn't do, because they reminded me of him. When I was able to go to the places I enjoyed, listen to the music I liked, read and do the things that had been mine and find I still enjoyed them without him is the day I got real closure. That came from me, because it let me remember that I had been just fine beore him and I would be just fine again.

 

You're also still fairly early in the healing process. Another couple of months will speed by and you'll keep healing and doing better and better. Set aside the idea of her giving you closure and focus on the fact that you were happy before she came into your life and you will be happy again with her not in it. Take heart and keep going, you're getting there to fully healed just fine.

[kathy679]

My ex too ended it with me a few days before Xmas. I am now 47 days nc. He never gave me any closure, he never told me he had gone back to his ex. He never told me he cheated on me the whole time, i found that out from his friend afterwards.

 

i was never got any closure from him. He never gave me any explanation. But i truly believe that it doesn't make any difference. I used to think it would but it doesn't. The only closure you can get is from yourself. The dumper has no incentive to give you closure because they already have theirs. Please don't think you are alone for still feeling hurt about the break up at christmas and the 43 days nc. IM still hurting too, you are normal for still being so hurt by the bu

[jonyyy]

The problem with those ranting emails or even if you get to tell her all that she deserves, is that it will likely give you only a temporary relief. And a small one. It does not affects them, they don't care. We completely lost our power over them. And they still have a lot over us.

 

So write that email, to get it out of your head, but dont' send it. Nothing good for YOU would come from it.

 

 

 

My Ex didn't shut me down, she strongly wanted to remain friends, she said I was super important to her, the person who knew her better, the best person she knew blabla but that was her being selfish (conscience issues). She checked out, she had support, validation and love from other source, why would she want to remain friends with me? Plus she never contacted me or asked for me with mutual friends again, ever. And this is probably a good thing for me.

 

So because she was available to ""support"" me I thought I could get closure. She told me everything about the cheating, every detail. Everything she felt and did. But in the end... she didn't have answers besides being weak, couldn't resist the "mambo jambo" he did with her hormones (her words). The irony: she didn't tell me nothing because she didn't want to lose me, she loved me. But she couldn't stop cheating either. Fast forward two months she found herself out of love wiith me and re assured by him. So she finally took the guts and told me.

 

So I didn't have closure from her. I had to find closure myself. IMO they can only give you some closure if you're in a toxic R/S, with personality clashses or if you do mistakes yourself etc. Your Ex tells you, hey I had enough of you, we are always fighting or you disapointed me etc. So you get that part of closure.

 

But when you (think) you have a healthy R/Ss and your Ex tells you, you were an amazing BF, loved you so much, that she failed and was weak you struggle A LOT. Because although you know it was their fault, you don't understand how could they do it, you thought you knew them, you can't believe they did it. It's like they are out of character. So you have to shift your perception of them into bad people, into the kind of people your feel repulse. But how do you do that when all the memories you have from them are good ones!? You end up focusing on the cheating events and that's why healing can be so hard/slow.

 

My closure basis is this: people are not reliable. They might think they are, they might have been for several years, but new people/situations in life prompt new behaviours. Plus the fact that change is a constant in life, people change even if they (or you) don't realise it. You never truly know someone. You don't control them. Sh** happens. Life is unfair. You have to take care of yourself the best you can.