His ex is still living with his parents

[Elliee]

My boyfriend of 3 years and I are discussing marriage and have already moved in together. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he has one child with an ex girlfriend. When he and his ex split she stayed living in his parents house. It is an apartment attached to his parents home with inside access between houses. They haven't been in a relationship for 7 years, all of this time she has remained with his parents. Her child is now 13 and lives with us 90% of the time and has for the last two years before that it was 50/50. His parents have a daughter and 5 year old granddaughter that really need the space she is occupying and they would like her to move. My boyfriends parents are very kind giving people and don't want to upset her. The reason they let her stay in the first place was due to her threats of keeping her child from them and his father.

My boyfriend is uncomfortable with me going to his parents house because of her close proximity. She contributed very little financially to her son. When she insists he stays with her he spends his time in his room alone and eats his meals that are prepared by his grandparents next door. She lives for free. All her bills are paid by my boyfriend and his parents and she has no rent. She works full time, her money is her own.

It is a very strange and uncomfortable situation. I've considered leaving my boyfriend. This hurts him. He wants our relationship and family to flourish. I don't think he knows what if anything he can do. Would she be entitled to child support? My boyfriend and I both have small businesses. It's enough to pay the bills and live comfortably but he has mentioned he feels hes paying child support twice by taking care of all her needs when his child is with us most of the time. His business also supports his parents and their bills. We are stretched to the limit.

He is uncomfortable to talk about the situation with me and on occasion seems scared of her.

[pl3asehelp]

I'd let him know you expect him to man up and kick her out if you guys are to continue. As it stands now, he's choosing to support her and be responsible for her, which is just not acceptable behavior if he expects to have another relationship (you).

[Elliee]

She feels she has the right to stay there until her child is 18 years old. It is in an agreement that she can do that if the child is living solely with her.

[Edmund Exley]

She feels she has the right to stay there until her child is 18 years old. It is in an agreement that she can do that if the child is living solely with her.

 

If the situation isn't acceptable to you then its up to you to move on, not them to change

[pl3asehelp]

She feels she has the right to stay there until her child is 18 years old. It is in an agreement that she can do that if the child is living solely with her.

 

That's not your concern. Tell this guy what it takes to be with you and if he chooses not to meet those conditions, move on, you'll know his ex is his priority instead of you.

[DancingFool]

That's not your concern. Tell this guy what it takes to be with you and if he chooses not to meet those conditions, move on, you'll know his ex is his priority instead of you.

 

His ex or his child? If he tries to evict her and she puts up a custody fight, the one hurt in the mess will be the kid.

 

As for the other issues....he pays for his parents, not her as such. Whatever water/electric she is adding to the bill is going to be nominal at best. So unless he stops supporting his parents, his bills are not really going to change regardless of whether she is there or not and could get much more expensive if she takes him to court over child support, which she absolutely can do and without a doubt will do if she gets kicked out. This situation is like stirring up a hornet nest - nothing good can come out of it.

 

Either you can deal with the arrangement or you can't. I wouldn't try to pit this as you v. her, because ultimately it boils down to you v. his son and there is no contest there.

[MisUnderstood9]

If they have court arrangment that she can stay there while the child is living with her or until the child is 18 then there is nothing you or they can do. If there isnt, you ex's parents could actually have her removed by police for "sqautting". Since she pays no bills nor rent this is technically what she is doing.

 

If your ex really wants her out of his parents and so does his parents, they should get a lawyer and start getting the police involved to have her removed. She doesnt want to leave because right now she is getting a free ride and keeps all of her $$ for herself.

[pl3asehelp]

His ex. There's never been a custody arrangement that says you need to provide a specific residence for someone to live in. He may need to contribute to her rent elsewhere in the form of child or spousal support, but she doesn't need to live in that specific apartment. What if his parents would like to sell their house? They just can't because this woman has some legal right to be there? No way.

[abitbroken]

His parents have a daughter and 5 year old granddaughter that really need the space she is occupying and they would like her to move.

 

His parents also have a 13 year old grand child that they want to stay close with. Even though their son and the child's mother are not together, that is the mother of their grandchild. The grandparents have a right to decide to keep the grandchild close. It could be that it prevents the grandchild from not having a place at all. The sister has no right to say "kick her out". Maybe when the child is on her own, I am sure the ex will leave.

 

Also, if your ex has a child, that is something you have to deal with. Because of the child's age - they will have to talk, you know?

 

I think that the bigger problem is the fact that your boyfriend supports his parents with his business. If they founded the business and that is the arrangement, that is one thing, but if it is for other reasons, then he needs to address it with them and not change it to punish his ex. Whatever support he gives his parents has nothing to do with the child support that he gives his daughter. And if the grandparents want to cook meals for their grandchild - that is what grandparents do! If the grandparents were not there, there would be bills for daycare when the child was younger and after school care now until she got out of work until the child was trustworthy home alone. Some say a 10 year old can be home alone after school but it depends on the kids.

 

I think that it is not your business if she lives next door to his parents. That is their business to sort out. If there were no child involved, then it would be different. Or if the child was 30 years old now.

 

The issue that you have to figure out if you marry is why is his money going to his folks?

[abitbroken]

His ex. There's never been a custody arrangement that says you need to provide a specific residence for someone to live in. He may need to contribute to her rent elsewhere in the form of child or spousal support, but she doesn't need to live in that specific apartment. What if his parents would like to sell their house? They just can't because this woman has some legal right to be there? No way.

 

She doesn't have a "legal" right unless she signed a lease, but the parents have the right to say who they allow to stay in the in-law apartment.

[Lorem Ipsum]

If your ex really wants her out of his parents and so does his parents, they should get a lawyer

and either revisit the existing custody agreement or write one that formalises everything. The child is now old enough to decide who he would like to live with, which going to court could also address. Unless she's got a court decree that stipulates everything, she has been sponging off your parents long enough, especially if she's got a full time job. AFAIK, there's no law out there that says a woman is entitled to free rent until the grandchild is 18.

[lavenderdove]

If it is the parent's house, then it is up to them to decide whether she gets to live there are not. So you really have no say in that and should stay out of it.

 

BUT you have a secondary issue. If after 3 years you still 'can't' go to the parents house to visit etc. then your BF and his parents are wrong, because you are being asked to take a back seat to his ex. They should invite you over, and if she's mad, too bad, she's getting free rent!

 

But I have to ask, after 3 years, are there any plans to marry? And are you sure you want to marry someone who is giving all his discretionary income to his parents and ex-GF, with no money/desire to make you his wife and have you share his home, life, and finances?

 

I think you need to have a serious talk about getting tired of taking back seat to the ex-GF, and to ask him where your own relationship is going (if anywhere). He needs to be thinking about you as a partner where your own needs and your kids needs together as a family don't take back seat to pampering an ex of his! Otherwise your role becomes supplementing his income with whatever you earn so that he can turn around and give his own income to his ex-GF rather than doing the hard thing and hammering out reasonable child support with her and not paying for all her expenses while short changing you.

 

Unless he's willing to deal with this and move forward with you as a family, then i'd think about leaving and finding a man who is ready to commit and treat you like a real partner/family.

[pl3asehelp]

She doesn't have a "legal" right unless she signed a lease, but the parents have the right to say who they allow to stay in the in-law apartment.

 

Of course. And if that's what they choose to do, I advise OP dump this loser who can't stand up to his ex and his parents and find a man. Look, this is preventing her from going to their house - this guy will NEVER have a relationship as long as the is the case.

[Iggles]

This is a mess! The family tip toeing around the Ex along with your boyfriend is disconcerting.

 

I think you should RUN! This should have be resolved years ago.

[Elliee]

I'm so glad I posted. All opinions are greatly appreciated.

He has been throwing up the idea of marriage. Before we decide on that step i want to understand how long I have to deal with his ex under our feet.

I am more worried about the child than I am her or ourselves. I think the longer this progresses the harder it's going to be for a child to understand that his mother has financial stress because we won't take care of her anymore.

Early in the relationship, it wasn't an issue because our paths rarely crossed. His son spent half of his time at his grandparents next to his ex and half with him. As our relationship became more stable his son spends all his time at our house with my 2 children. They all consider themselves brothers now and have wonderful relationships. I don't know if she would even have any right to ask for child support when the child is never there. We provide all his basic needs and wants and have solely for the past 2 years. It doesn't seem right that you would have to keep her standard of living up several years after their split. They were only together less than 5 years.

I never thought that he was putting his ex first and that is probably why it stings so much. I dearly want a relationship with his mother, and she I, but we have to meet away from the houses as to not cause conflict.

My boyfriend also has an office in the same house complex so he is there with his parents and ex everyday. Some days it is just overwhelming!

[lavenderdove]

Well, in theory, if he has the child 90% of the time, his ex should be paying YOU child support for the 40% over the 50% that would be joint custody.

 

And it is ridiculous that you are kept out of the parent's house and your BF's office because the ex is there. You are not being treated as an equal, and in fact should be treated as his wife/partner rather than an interloper into his relationship with his ex. Frankly, they're all being cowards.

 

Your first step here is to tell them that it is not right that you be kept out of his parent's house and his place of business. If they won't start treating you as a REAL part of that family, then this is hopeless and I'd break up with him. They're treating the ex like she's the wife and you're the mistress, and you need to tell them that, that you deserve respect and an equal place in the family rather than being treated like an outsider.

 

I would not push to have her move out because that is not your financial concern because that is the parent's house, but I would push to be allowed into their house and fully into their lives. If the ex can handle you being his partner and in the parent's house then fine, if not, then they should put the ex out rather than trying to keep you out to cater to her.

[jbananas]

If the child spends majority of their time in YOUR home, then his mother SHOULD Be paying you all child support. If you are living together and planning a forever future together, then you need to get a bit more ballsy. Stop letting this imagined fear of what she will do manipulate your BF and his family and YOU.

 

The first thing you need to demand happen is that your ex get a formal custody agreement through the courts. You will have to show proof of the support and the living arrangements. The child is old enough to speak for themselves and I think that element of fear that existed more when he was a lot younger could probably be relieved now. Mom doesn't support her son. Why would she be granted child support. They aren't married, so there is no spousal support or alimony. She needs to go. She's gotten a free ride.. why would she want to leave and be an adult? She has been being taken care of and has used her kid as the bargaining tool. YOUR BF NEEDS TO STOP THIS DEAD IN IT'S TRACKS.

 

Do you really want to wait another 5 years until the kid is an adult? No. It is not fair to you, the kid, your BF, his parents, etc.

 

His parents need to ballsy up too. Find out the laws in your state, or your country, whatever about how much notice she needs and if she doesn't comply, about formal eviction proceedings.

But first and foremost clearly document where finances go, where support for the child goes and who is the TRUE custodial parent.

 

If the mom isn't paying for any of the kids support, then I'm sure she can manage find in a small apartment of her own, elsewhere. It's time to go. She needs to be an adult. And if the kid is with you all nearly always.. then she should be financially contributing to his welfare.

 

BALLSY UP AND HANDLE BUSINESS. Quit being manipulated. All of you.

[Elliee]

My boyfriend has finally started the ball rolling to remove his ex from the apartment attached to his parents house. The lawyer suggested that we document how often our child spends with her. So far this year, 4 days. We're hoping six months will be sufficient for a court if it comes to that. A full year of documenting and then to go through the process of eviction seems awfully far in the future.

He checked with his lawyer and they found that nowhere did it state that he has to pay her bills. He attempted to call her on multiple occasions to no avail and finally texted her, "As of the beginning of the month, you have to start paying your own bills." She texted back "Thanks!!!!!" The lawyer is hoping she will get the hint and decide to move on her own.

His parents are happy that they will have their home back and we can at least start to have a normal relationship.