BF says he 'doesn't give a<edit> when I bring up world events or art and culture

[bananashampoo]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now and things are very great between us though lately I have been noticing things about him that I am trying to hash out and understand. It is very evident that we both love each other very much, so this helps a lot.

 

The biggest issue here is that he seems to be very apathetic on issues that he doesn't want to talk about. And when there are things he wants to talk about he has his opinions and will just talk at me and not ask my own opinion on the subject. This is something I find to be really tough to deal with. When I confronted him about it he said he simply just doesn't 'give a s*it' about things such as human rights or what is going on in the world (things that I like to talk about, I am also studying social work and I have a lot of heavy things I want to talk about with him). He said part of it is because he can get sucked into these topics really badly and it is a downward spiral so he gets defensive to protect himself. I understand that, but me, I like to share things with people and get their opinions on topics and I want it to be mutual. I feel like this is how I learn about people and I do it to get closer.

 

He then gave me an example, he said if he played me a song that he said he really liked, and I thought it was horrible, what would I say? I told him I would tell him I found it to be generic or whatnot, and offer constructive criticism then perhaps ask him questions as to why he likes the song so I can learn about him. He then said why would I want to know anything about the song when I didn't like it and I said 'I would want to know because I care about you and want to know more about who you are.' He seemed to have a light bulb moment right when I said that but he said he thinks this would not help to learn more about a person.

 

My question is, how would one work around this issue in a relationship? Our styles are very different and frankly I feel like he just doesn't care about what I believe and how I feel. This I know is really detrimental to a relationship and I am very worried.

 

Should I just let it go?

[mhowe]

No...this is a huge red flag signifying incompatibility.

[bananashampoo]

Is it? So how would you tackle this incompatibility issue? I think you can work through something like this, I just don't know how to go about it. I have had a conversation with him about it so that's a start.

[nutbrownhare]

It's not necessarily a sign of incompatibility unless you insist on trying to get him to discuss topics he really doesn't want to engage with.

 

I think most of us have pet subjects that we don't necessarily share with our partners - for example, if I had a partner who was really into sport, I'd very much support his engagement with it, but I'd glaze over if he tried talking to me about it. I can get very nerdy when talking about gardening; I'd never try to share this with a partner; this is reserved for others who share the same passion. There are always other people around to discuss world matters with, who are not necessarily people you have an emotional connection with, the way you have with your boyfriend. People who talk at you and don't want to hear your opinion can be very boring to be around, certainly, but I'd let this one go unless he does it all the time. Does he get angry with you if you don't share his opinions? It would be very worrying if that were the case.

 

He's right when he says that learning about people's opinions isn't necessarily learning about them - in fact, I've known several people whose views were egalitarian, pro human rights, equality of opportunity, all the rest... and in their private lives were chauvinistic, overbearing and emotionally abusive. The latter's the bit you need to know about. You learn about people by their actions, not just their opinions or views they express. I get what you're saying about dealing with some very heavy issues in your studies, but he's already expressed to you that he doesn't feel able to cope with them - and, heck, once you're qualified and dealing with these issues in real life - client confidentiality would dictate that you shouldn't be sharing them with him anyway!

 

How you work around this issue in a relationship? Possibly adopt the maxim 'Live and let live', accept that that's who he is and stop getting upset that he isn't someone else. You may find that once you back off from this, there really isn't a lot left to talk about - and then you need to decide whether you remain in the relationship, or try and find someone whose approach is closer to your own.

[bananashampoo]

Thank you butbrownhare, that was really eyeopening for me. He is a very intelligent man and sometimes the way he views things can intimidate me because I go for a more sensitive approach, by nature, but often I admire this in him. When you said that you think he is right about people's opinions you sounded just like him haha.

 

No he doesn't get mad at me if I don't share his opinions though he assumes automatically that I DO share his opinions. Most of the time we do but when he talks at me like that I feel spurred on and get upset.

 

I think I can back off from this because, like you said, there are always other people around to talk about these things with, and I have mentioned that to him, though I think it makes him uncomfortable because we usually share everything with each other.

 

Your last point really scares me though, that maybe there won't be a lot left to talk about. I don't want that to happen. And I think that is the underlying cause for why I don't feel comfortable with this.

[Mishmon]

I know the feeling. Beliefs and opinions are what makes us who we are. You wish to open more to him and what better way then to share your beliefs. It's a form of intimacy really. As long as you are not trying to impose your views and beliefs on him, or try to make him think about things he's not interested in he should be open to talk about it, or rather to allow you to express your thoughts and feelings. He may or may not have opinions about it or engage in active conversation, but he shouldn't shut you off. I think this desire you have comes naturally in that time frame (6-7 months-ish +/- x) It's a new lvl of closeness you are aiming for and you are getting rejected which is tough. It's similar to i.e. coming home from work and hearing him say - i'm not interested hearing about your day, we won't talk about it.

[savignon]

I agree with it being a compatibility issue. I married someone I couldn't really have any deep conversations with (thinking I could get that need filled elsewhere). We quickly went from inlove to nothing to say at dinner, etc and it once the infatuation wore off, there was nothing left to it. I would not be with someone again that I couldn't discuss current events, news/world events or my job with or who "doesn't give a sh**" about anything outside of himself. I'm not compatible with that kind of person although I might care for and be attracted to them...I know from experience those kinds of conversations are important to my day to day.

That's my 2 cents. It sounds like you'd rather stay with him and skip anything deep which is fine if that's okay with you.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, it's a very personal thing.

 

I had a long term relationship with a guy whose grasp of political matters was very slight and didn't feel comfortable discussing politics, spiritual matters etc. But we had masses of other interests in common and he was very supportive of just about everything I did (including, one evening, taking 1.5 hours over a 3 minute car journey because toads were crossing the road, and every time I saw one, I'd get out of the car and help it accross the road to make sure it didn't get squashed by another driver!)

 

In that situation, putting the world to rights was very low down on the agenda for me. Only you know how important it is for you; however, if you find that there's no connection anyway, things will fizzle out quite naturally.

[figur]

Sometimes it just depends on how you talk, not what you talk about. I'm sure my boyfriend would love it if I were also musically inclined, but I'm not...but I still listen to him. I still support him and want to hear about what he's learning about or what new artist he's into. I don't tune him out. And his does vice versa for hobbies that I have and he doesn't share.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend thinks he's right all the time to the point where he may talk over you. He's not getting to know you...he's treating you like a sounding board. I don't think that's something to work through unless he feels like it's a bad personality trait he'd like to remedy...which it appears he does not.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, if you can both sit down and work out a compromise or how to deal with it or agree on what to talk about or not talk about then you can work around this incompatibility. And if you can't and it's going to continue to be a source of distress and neither one of you is willing to budge on what you want then it's pretty symptomatic of where the relationship is heading. You need to sit down and talk and if you can't do that then you need to rethink things seriously, because communicating about your differences and/or problems is one of the most important aspects of a good relationship.

[bananashampoo]

figur, I like your point about it being how you talk and not what you talk about. The problem is how he is talking to me and yeah, he talks over me a lot. I have told him I do not like his rants and now he will go on one and then afterwards say 'Is this one of those rants you don't like?' and I just don't know what to say, I feel like he is trying to collect information on what is going on but I am having a hard time getting it out and I know this is something I need to fix.

 

I suppose I should just tell him that yes that is one of the rants that I don't like but honestly I'm a bit worried about saying it to him again because the first time I did he got pretty upset and was upset for the whole day after; we were on the phone. He said he didn't like that we were on the phone so I promised I will only talk about these things in person. I guess my next step will be to bring it up in person but I'm not sure what I can say. I think I will start with the 'how you talk' thing because that's a good point. I told him that it feels like he doesn't care about my opinions on issues, though he does very much care about my opinions when it comes to us together. It's a strange thing. He will ask me many questions on how I feel about what we are doing and what I want to do and how I feel about him but he doesn't want to know anything about what I think intellectually or what I think on what he thinks.

 

I do want to work through this because he is a very great man and as side from this we get along very well. We just have communication issues and this weekend we decided we need to find a better way to hash out our disagreements. So I think we are taking steps.

[catfeeder]

Your last point really scares me though, that maybe there won't be a lot left to talk about. I don't want that to happen. And I think that is the underlying cause for why I don't feel comfortable with this.

 

You're also not comfortable with the way he bulldozes you, which would be a big deal for me.

 

If a relationship doesn't feel like a safe place to land for me, then it doesn't go very far. I mean, I have a few obnoxious friends with whom I'll play poker or go to a movie, but these are not my 'innermost secret' people--they're acquaintances.

 

My core values aren't something I'll alter for anyone. This doesn't mean I'm not open to new opinions--I thrive on politics, social studies, history, spirituality, technology, science. I don't need someone with whom I can cover all of those bases, and not even someone who agrees with me on much, but someone who would just shut me down and run me over? I'd skip them--without question.

 

In my book, bullies don't make great lovers.

[Batya33]

So if you ever have a child with him and your young child, like mine, starts asking a hundred questions a day (an hour?) about the world and he dismisses his child with a "that's a ridiculous question -eat your breakfast" or "that's a silly thing to care about, let's go play catch" -how are you going to feel?

 

Oh and does he talk to his mother that way too?

[Unreasonable]

Hmm, i don't know about this, depending on what you mean by "I want it to be mutual." Do you just want to offer his opinion, or do you want him to agree with you? Maybe his opinion is "I don't care." This is an actual legitimate answer on many surveys.

 

I mean I'm an avid computer scientist. Yet, this would not be a topic that I would expect my wife to be particularly interested in. So we don't talk about it.

 

Likewise, if my wife has obsessed with, say, GMO's (which some people REALLY care about) I kind of doubt I could generate much more than apathy on the subject because I do, simply, not care.

 

I think couples should try to focus on their commonalities and less on their differences. I don't think people have to care about the same world issues because theres a heckuva lot of stuff out there.

 

I personally think if you really want to talk about social issues, you should seek out social issue forums and colleagues. That's just me though.

[JustLetGo]

Things that the partner doesn't like, which you do. I think there is a problem like this in every relationship, maybe worse in others.

 

Anyway in a previous relationship my then gf didn't like 90% of the music I listened to. Which really bugged me, but I thought fair enough. Apparently I must have a wider taste in music than her.

So if I'd want to listen to it, I'd do so with headphones on. Or sometimes I'd ask her what she thought of a certain song. I got her to like a couple of bands she didn't like before, but never the more extreme stuff (metal etc.).

 

It's hard, but if you love and respect the person. You will understand. And they should do too.

[Moontiger]

So basically he expects you to only talk about things that interest him.

 

I would dump him, honestly. I could not date someone like that.

[pl3asehelp]

How were you ever attracted to him in the first place?