What kind of Controlling, Un-fulfilling hole did I fall into

[MsNadia]

Basically I have no resources. Basically I am in a relationship with a man I used to be absolutely in love with and now find myself so consciously unhappy. We've all been there before, right?

 

I started seeing a therapist, then stopped. I realized that it hurt me more than it did good that I practically had to pay someone to listen to me. Lately, my boyfriend has selective hearing. I ask him to do things and half an hour later, they are not done and he claims to not have heard.

 

The other day, he got a sewing machine for me (I really expressed wanting to learn) and on the way home from the fabric store, I got a whole pep talk about how this has to be my life; that I should sit and work on it for hours a day; that I won't need to go to school any more if I learn to do it well... basically pressured me into having to learn to use it instead of it being the hobby I wanted. I want to go to college... not sit at home and be a seamstress, worried about the economy and cry when no one buys from me anymore (I love all you creative people, I just want a job that is very stable).

 

When I talked to my therapist, I told her I love music, dancing, the arts... that being with my boyfriend I find myself staying indoors all the time and not meeting anyone new. He enjoys his hobbies and for the love I have for him, I try learning about them too! So this is my 5th or so three-day weekend and I really wanted to have fun! I ended up drinking beer alone, crying myself to sleep. I asked him to look up some places we could go dancing and he said "if you want to go dancing, you look it up. It's sunday, I know there's nothing".. but he was in front of a computer, I didn't have any internet next to me and we live in the "city," there has to be SOMETHING. He said "I hate dancing. Just like you hate what I like. You want to do it, you figure it out and we'll do something, I don't know." I haven't gone dancing in a year and a half since I've been with him. Friday, Saturday and Sunday night I went to bed at 9 pm. I am 22... I don't feel that life should be like this but I fear that I am leaving a stable man to land myself in a life full of uncertainty.

 

Ugh. To have no feelings.

[Clio]

Your relationship is in a rut and you two are having communication problems. He is probably doing the best he knows how and so are you. However, you two need to find a way to communicate your grievances in a more constructive manner or your relationship is pretty much doomed. Sounds to me that you are holding him responsible for your (un)happiness and this is hurting your relationship. Blaming him for the things missing from your life is not fair unless he is forcing you not to do things 'staying indoors all the time and not meeting anyone new'... Don't you have any friends you could go out with from time to time? You don't have to do everything together. You are not joined at the hip. You could also do things with your friends.

[misssmithviii]

It's rather simple, stay with him and none of these things will change in your life. He honestly doesn't even sound like a great bf imo. Apathy isn't something good relationships are made of.

 

I vote leave him. You might be faced with different obstacles but at least you would be moving forward. I'm guessing you don't want to see yourself in the same place you're in now, years from now.

 

Best wishes love!

[Minilogue]

MsNadia I"m not going to tell you to leave him, that would be wrong because I don't know him. But your only 22 and your going to bed @ 9PM on fri, sat, sun!!! That's not normal for a person your age, so you need to get out of the house without him for your own sanity. You should be going to clubs, pubs, bars and having fun at your age. If he doesn't want to come out with you stuff him, you need to go these places with friends or by yourself because he obviously doesn't want to do these things with you.

[MisUnderstood9]

I was there a long time ago. Was in a relationship for a long time - thought that I wanted to party, dance, meet new people, feed my creative side.

I ended a fantastic relationship to go away for University because I thought it was what I needed to do, just to find out I was miserable after 6 months - I didnt enjoy dancing and meeting new people as much as I thought I would. I realized that in that relationship it was because of a lack of communication that we weren't seeing eye to eye. It wasnt that he was a "homebody" and I was a "party girl". It was the fact that I didnt ask him to do thing or bring things up to him that I wanted to do that I found fun, instead I did what you did. I tried to get him to bring up us going out and doing things, but they arent mind readers. They aren't going to suggest things we like to do if its not something they like to do. I put all my reasons for being unhappy on him when really it was all my choice for not just being up front and saying "hey I'd like to go dancing, want to go to ____ club with me Friday?"

After those 6 months, him and I got back together and our communication is wayy better then it ever was before. We do eachothers interests together and we suggest doing things we like to eachother. My boyfriend hates dancing as well, (to be honest he isnt the greatest of dancers either lol) but he does it and goes with me when I ask because he knows its something I enjoy. Try finding something you are interested in and communicate it with him; even making a weekend thing where you suggest going to a club on friday and then saturday doing something he enjoys.

[DancingFool]

Sorry but you sound full of excuses. It's not his job to entertain you or to find dancing for you, etc. In fact it would seem that he is quite clear in that you need to get off your behind and do something constructive for yourself. If you want to go dancing, then find where to go and he sounds willing to humor you or even has no problem with you going with friends. If you want to go to college, what you doing about it? Are you looking up where you can get in, what to study, how to get financial aid so you can go? These things are all on you and your personal responsibility. You are an adult. It sounds to me like he is encouraging you to do something constructive with your life in whatever way he knows how, but it's falling on death ears. He is also right to tell you to look up what you want to do. Don't make excuses for yourself about not having internet. You knew you were going to have a three day weekend - it wasn't a surprise. Nothing stopped you from actually looking things up in advance and planning something for yourself or you both, but you didn't.

 

If your shoes, I would make a list of things you need to do every single day that lead toward accomplishing what you want - job, learning to sew, college, dancing, etc. Make sure you accomplish and check off what's on the list every single day. Sometimes that's the only way out of rut.

[MsNadia]

Hi Everyone! Thank you for replying.

 

Clio - You're right. I don't mean to blame him for my unhappiness, because I see that he is very happy. I, of course, am not trying to delve whole-heartedly into our entire relationship but to clear things up, I am not allowed to go out with my girl friends. He gets upset if I want to go out to dinner without him -- he nearly broke up with me because I went out to dinner with a girlfriend and drank whiskey. (I wasn't drunk, but my breath had the smell of alcohol and he hates alcohol).

 

MissSmith - I've been contemplating that a lot. Perhaps going away on a long volunteering trip to Peru to get my mind off the break-up and on to something positive.

 

Mini & MisUnderstood - it's not exactly that I am a party girl, but I would enjoy spending nights out with my beau, especially if we had similar interests. I really liked this jazz pub we went to once, and he just doesn't want to go back. I don't even like clubs. I hate men oogling me and him having to put a protective arm around me all night -- I do enjoy live music though but he haaaates the music I like. After 40 minutes in the jazz club he was eager to leave.. which brings me to Dancing Fool..

 

Dancing Fool - I guess I didn't mention this - I am currently in college. I am a 3.9 student with grants and scholarships so I don't even pay for my classes or books (thankful). I am one semester away from getting into my major program. He thinks school is unnecessary. I am well on my way. Also, I failed to mention that every day I go to the gym for an hour, I go surfing with him, I take care of my mother, I work a full-time job, I go to school full-time to half-time each semester. I am asking for my boyfriend to woo me. Just because we are together doesn't mean the courting stops. The other day I got him headphones he's always wanted, organized his things, write him lovely letters and set alarms on his phone to tell him I care for him when i sleep in and he works early. I don't feel the same energy coming from him. Does that help? Not to say I am without fault! Obviously I tend to just give up and go to sleep rather than face my feelings. Instead it's as if we are not compatible personality wise and that in my effort to find a wonderful man, i indulge him in the "fantasy girlfriend" and attend to his every need.. but feel jaded in the end.

[MsNadia]

How can I communicate that I need some romance in my life without making him upset? He is very sensitive. As we all are with criticism. I don't mean to be critical! I just want to feel special and for the three years we have been together, the wooing stopped promptly at month 10

[DancingFool]

Well that kind of puts a different spin on things. I think you hit the nail on the head here though unfortunately and the question then is can you two actually manage to mesh or not. Instead of bottling things up and doing things for him hoping for reciprocation, have you ever tried to tell him directly that you need this and that from him? I mean if you don't tell him point blank, he might not be very intuitive and for all he knows you are this loving gf who is doing all these things for him because you are totally happy with him. As for sensitive, it's really how you word it. If you make it sound like you are not happy and it's his fault, he'll get defensive. If you just tell him something like "I feel like we need some quality time and would like for you to plan a weekend for us" or something along those lines, you are giving him a problem and solution without making him the bad guy. He should be willing to oblige and step up.