Commitment-Phobe Ex

[koala725]

my ex and I have been broken up for 8-9 months. We have known each other for about 9-10 years. We dated in high school some, broke up in college because he thought we were living separate lives and it'd be easier. We remained friends. We graduated college, moved home, and we still had feelings for each other which grew into us being a couple again. Dated for about 9 months. The last couple months we dated he was seeing me less and less, texting/calling less, going away to see his college friends on weekends last second unannounced, basically just "fitting" me in. So, it was all signs he didn't want a relationship. Finally, he asked me to meet up and we talked. We are both reluctant to share feelings or communicate with one another, for whatever reason, so during this conversation everything kind of poured out.

 

He said, he shouldn't be dating right now, that he can't be a loving boyfriend, that he can't be intimate, and that its easier to be friends. So, of course I was upset and kind of knew something was wrong. The week before i met up with him to say I thought it'd be nice to see each other during the week one night/hang out. He had this look on his face like he knew he didn't want a relationship. And he was a bit stand offish, even saying goodbye that day I remember. It felt awkward. So anyways, i said to him ok go be free, im sorry you hated to be in a relationship with me and it was confining you. And of course, when i put it as bluntly as that he didn't want to get out of my car at the point. He stayed to talk. Which was more me analyzing why we ended up dating again and why he didnt say anything sooner if he didn't want the relationship. I just felt used a little. He said he didn't want to me to be hurt and that he knew i had told him in the past i wanted to be together or to not be friends, because its too hard to stay friends. Long story, i agreed to be friends because its not like there was cheating involved so i figured i could see my ex every now and then and deal with it.

 

Fast forward 9 months till right now, I think he's finally moved on. We hardly make small talk or text much. He's been treating himself to vacations, just accepted a new job, will be moving the other side of the state in the next couple weeks, etc. He just went to hawaii and brought all our friends little shot glasses back, including me. The one thing that bothered me though was he invited me for a drink the other night and while showing me pics of hawaii on his phone, some texts from his coworker kept coming in accross the top banner. Didn't quite see the whole text but it was something like she hadnt received the hawaii post card yet but something to look forward to/worth the wait, etc. I just thought it was strange how he specifically sent her a postcard and was that thoughtful. I guess it made me jealous, but it seems you would do that for someone special in your life. Not just a friend.

 

Anyways, my real question is i dont know what to do now. He has moved on. So i should move on, naturally correct? It's been really hard for me to do that though. Maybe cuz i still feel rejected. And that his life is great without me, like he never needed me. Maybe i dont need him? This is what i keep flipflopping about. He wants to treat me like a buddy/pal, ask me how i've been, "catch up", and nothing more. And if I agree to keep meeting up, I usually end up sitting there being reminded of feelings that were left to rot between us. I can't drop the romantic feelings and pick up as friends - I don't know if he's really good at hiding his feelings, or if he no longer has feelings for me OR knows he can't give me what I want so he is doing things for himself and bettering himself. It makes sense. But, It hurts me to think it's so easy for him to let me go. Or to act so distant and uptight with me, while his coworkers he is sending them postcards from hawaii and being sweet and texting them.

 

How should i proceed with talking with my ex? I like him as a person, i think hes awesome. But as my best friend reminds me, he was a crappy boyfriend to me for a lot of years and now that hes my ex for real now and wants to be "friends" I don't even know how to be friends without being jealous or bitter it seems.

[Kendahke]

You shouldn't proceed in anything with him right now. You can't be his friend. You said so yourself before you allowed him and you to talk you into this... the fit doesn't work right now. You want him to be a boyfriend, to make you feel special--to send you postcards---hell, to take you to Hawaii with him!!

 

A friend means talking about the new person he's dating. Are you ready to hear that come out of his mouth right now? Because that's what being his friend will mean--him talking to you about her.

 

You are not ready to be his friend, so you need to honor yourself first and do what you said---relationship or nothing.

[ThatwasThen]

Anyways, my real question is i dont know what to do now. He has moved on. So i should move on, naturally correct?

Wait, what? Are you saying you agreed to be demoted to "just friends" when you still wanted to be his romantic girlfriend? What a waste of your healing time. You can not be friend only with someone you want more with and to think you can is YOU fooling yourself. Is YOU stringing yourself along. Is YOU not loving yourself enough to just let him go so that you can get to the stage of indifference to him which would leave you open in both heart and mind to find someone new who wants you romantically.

 

Start framing yourself more as the Prize instead of framing men who have broken up with you/demoted you from lover to simple friend as such a prize that you need to keep them in your life for the tidbits of attention they give you. pffft.

 

He's not afraid of commitment generally, he's just not committing to you. It does you no good to assauge your own ego with that kind of thinking. (that he's afraid to commit and that's the only reason why he hasn't) It does nothing to help you get over him and his BS.

 

Keep in mind that any new guy you get with that sees potential in you and you in he more times then not, will not take kindly to you still being friends and in steady contact with a past lover so don't be so needing to keep men who have demoted you in your life.

 

Werd! Go zero contact. It's the only way you'll get to the blissful stage of indifference to him.

[Liraele]

Don't try to be his friend just because that is what he wants. Be his friend because that's what you want and because you are ready to actually be a friend. Which means that jealousy and bitterness have to go away, first.

 

Some people make great friends, but crappy partners. Acknowledging that is a good first step. You don't have to cut him out if you don't want to - but just be honest that you aren't ready to be friends yet, and may never be. The positive reasons that you would want to be his friend sound OK, it just sounds like you aren't quite in that head space yet. You may never be, and that's OK too. Just be honest.

[ThatwasThen]

as my best friend reminds me, he was a crappy boyfriend to me for a lot of years

Can I ask if he was such an awful boyfriend why you'd want to keep someone in your life that mistreated you? What is the draw there?

[koala725]

Can I ask if he was such an awful boyfriend why you'd want to keep someone in your life that mistreated you? What is the draw there?

 

My best friend ALSO asks me that a lot. I don't see it like that I guess. We just had a lot of great memories and interests together - I guess we still do. But, he mistreated me like he didn't invest the time that a boyfriend should've. He put himself first a lot. Went away on weekend trips, without me, to visit friends. Things like that.

 

I wouldn't say he was the worst, but he wasn't good. And when I do think about it right this moment, it's not like "yes, i want to be with him right now and be his girlfriend" Not at all. I do have feelings for him, but being together isn't really in the picture. He just has not interest in dating anyone, he's said that. I mean, at one point he was saying he might even be asexual. He is a very conflicted individual. And confusing.

 

Like the first comment said, I probably am not ready to be friends. And shouldn't have agreed to. That was wrong of me and not valuing myself, but I am afraid to not have him in my life. Idk why. He's been in my life for a while, not just as a boyfriend, so it seems strange to live life without him in it. Despite our relational problems or differences rather. He doesnt like anything that confines him. Or labels him. Hence, commitment is not something he wants.

 

I just don't really know what to say to him, he must notice im quiet and different with him. I'm not going to apologize for being quiet when I saw him, but the whole thing feels unresolved like I need to tell him im uncomfortable now, just like he was in a relationship then. Idk what i'm looking to get out of that though if I say something. He will have nothing to say to that I don't think.

[nutbrownhare]

You need to cut off all contact with him and move on with your own life. Maybe you'll be friends at some point in the future, but don't even contemplate this until the thought of him having another girlfriend won't hurt you.

 

Tell him that you can see he's moved on, and wish him well for the future - but that you now need to do the same, and it will be impossible for you to do that while you're still in contact with him.

 

Every time you see him, this will effectively pull off the scabs of your own healing and set you back. Don't do that to yourself.

[ThatwasThen]

My best friend ALSO asks me that a lot. I don't see it like that I guess. We just had a lot of great memories and interests together - I guess we still do. But, he mistreated me like he didn't invest the time that a boyfriend should've. He put himself first a lot. Went away on weekend trips, without me, to visit friends. Things like that.

Well, love. He's not changed. He'll do that as a friend as well.

 

I wouldn't say he was the worst, but he wasn't good. And when I do think about it right this moment, it's not like "yes, i want to be with him right now and be his girlfriend" Not at all. I do have feelings for him, but being together isn't really in the picture. He just has not interest in dating anyone, he's said that. I mean, at one point he was saying he might even be asexual. He is a very conflicted individual. And confusing.

Yea... he'd make a lousy friend as well as a lousy romantic interest.

 

Like the first comment said, I probably am not ready to be friends. And shouldn't have agreed to. That was wrong of me and not valuing myself, but I am afraid to not have him in my life. Idk why.

Because you are codependent in nature most likely, because you don't VALUE YOURSELF and therefore you settle to have people like him in your life. Because you're addicted to having him in your life and you've not given yourself the time to go cold turkey withdrawl and thereby cleanse him from your system.

 

He's been in my life for a while, not just as a boyfriend, so it seems strange to live life without him in it. Despite our relational problems or differences rather. He doesnt like anything that confines him. Or labels him. Hence, commitment is not something he wants with me

I corrected that for you in bold. As smack accross the face as those bolded two words are, more times then not they are the truth. As soon as he meets someone that he values, he'll want commitment. You're not going to want to be in his life when that happens. You're not going to want to be continuously feeling like you're not worthy because that's how his actions make you feel. Zero contact is what I'm advising. It's in your own best interests right now and for when you get with a guy that does value you and wants commitment... most times any new partner coming into the picture will not like you still being friends with an assclown you were once intimate with. It's human nature that we love possessively.

 

I just don't really know what to say to him, he must notice im quiet and different with him. I'm not going to apologize for being quiet when I saw him, but the whole thing feels unresolved like I need to tell him im uncomfortable now, just like he was in a relationship then.

Or you could just simply fade and start ignoring the tid bits he happens to send your way...I'm sure in time he'll get the hint. You don't need to tell him anything.

 

Idk what i'm looking to get out of that though if I say something. He will have nothing to say to that I don't think.

Even more reason for you to simply fade and remove any traces of him from social media so that you're not stalking him and making yourself pine for him.

 

You'll do all this in your own time I'm sure. You sound smart and calm... two good ingredients to facilitate you accepting him OUT of your life when the right time comes. Don't stagnate yourself where you are. There are good men out there that will be wanting to meet you.

[koala725]

thanks for the detailed responses. it's helping. When i do pull away/ignore he tries even more. Example: I was out shopping with my soon-to-be sister-in-law and he had texted me earlier that day (day after he returned from hawaii..) and said "Hi! Can we do something this week", I was busy all day and read the text and left it to sit. Then went shopping after work and it had been a few hours that I didn't respond and then i get another text saying "Ok...". Like, he said that to get a response and because I wasn't texting back. Which just makes me feel horrible for intentionally ignoring or just not bothering to communicate back. It's just unlike me. Besides that example, he'll just be like hey hows it going, or try to get conversation out of me within the last month or two and i've been brief. Which also has left me feeling not good at all either.

 

But yeah, if he doesn't want a committment with me, and he meets someone in the new town hes moving to that he likes a lot, then of course i'll be crushed if im still pining over him. I guess im just afraid of him finding that new person. Although, he broke up with me so he must not mind if I find someone new.

[ThatwasThen]

When i do pull away/ignore he tries even more.

Then tell him not to text/email/phone/snail mail/carrier pidgeon you again and then ignore everything after that. ZERO contact. In fact (but you prolly don't have the strength to do this) block and delete him from every means of contact and you'll not even know that he's trying anymore.

In time you'll have (as I said earlier) cleansed him from your system and you'll be indifferent to him and his crumbs of contact that are useless if you actually think about it.

 

Stop feeling guilty because your not giving him his cake while he keeps it to. Start thinking about yourself for a change. At this point you owe him nothing just like what he's giving you.. nothing (but fluff).

 

Don't date or worry about anyone new for you at this time, you're not emotionally available to anyone new until you go cold turkey withdrawl and cleanse your ex from your system.

 

Good luck. Take care of you and stop worrying about him. It's time.