blueskies333 Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Hi all, I need some help/advice on my situation. I've been with my husband for 13 years, married 5. I have never been in love with him, but I do love him as a person. He is very sweet, emotionally there, charming, loves to be around people and could be described as the life of the party. The entire time of dating I fluctuated between wanting to leave and staying with him to see where it went. We had some really rocky moments where if I had been a stronger person I would have walked away, but I was too scared of giving everything up and so chose to be unhappy yet safe. When he proposed I wanted to say no, but I knew if I did it would mean the end of the relationship. So I said yes, and pushed the marriage off for three years. A week before we were to marry I called my sister bawling my eyes out because I didn't want to go through with it, but she told me that what I was feeling was normal and to suck it up, basically. So I did - it would have been crazy financially to call off the wedding because we had just bought a house a few months before, our finances and everything were completely entwined, and we were paying for the wedding entirely by ourselves. About a year before we got engaged I discovered that my husband had a psuedo-identity online. He claims that he never cheated on me and that it was all because he was just curious and playing out a fantasy. I do not believe that he's never cheated on me, but that isn't really upsetting to me - what is, is the fact that he can never be truthful about anything. He is an accomplished liar, and while he has gotten better, he still lies so much, even about stupid little things. Anyway, we went to counseling and he stopped using the online identity. Fast forward to a couple years ago, I discovered that he'd been doing it again. By this time though I had emotionally checked out of the marriage, so I welcomed the prospect of having a solid foundation on which to get a divorce. When I confronted him and told him I'd wanted a divorce, he lost it. Started bawling, pleaded with me to stay, begged me to go to counseling with him. It made me feel horrible. So I agreed, but I only lasted about 3 visits of counseling. After that we just kinda swept everything under the rug and never talked about it again. Fast forward to today. We are basically roommates. He wants more, he wants me to love him, but I just can't. He is more like a brother to me!! It is awful. I just don't know what to do because the thought of divorce and being on my own is terrifying. Plus, once again, I don't want to hurt him. I've been a part of his life for the last 13 years. We have no kids, it is just the two of us. I handle everything regarding the house, finances - everything. I worry about what would happen to him, though I know I shouldn't since he is a grown man. What do I do! I can't stand the thought of living without love but otherwise in a comfortable marriage for the rest of my life. I have tried to love him and be that loving wife but after 13 years if it hasn't happened yet then it's not going to happen ever. I know that he deserves better than what I can give him, but at the same time he has told me he would rather be miserable than divorced I feel so lost and confused. Link to comment
Ready Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Move out and get a divorce. I am currently divorcing a man I have been married to for 18 years because I didn't want to hurt his feelings even though he is not very nice and he really doesn't even love me he would rather be miserable than divorced. You aren't in love with him and aren't going to fall in love. On the flip side I was in love with mine...he wasn't in love with me. Sort of your situation flipped around except I wanted the divorce and not him. Mine has actually told me we are divorcing when my kids graduate in 3 years...lmao...uh...no. It's happening NOW! Link to comment
Kendahke Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 That is what living a lie will do for you. However, I think that you being upset that "he can't be truthful about anything" in light of the fact that you went to the altar behind a lie--that you didn't love him like a wife is supposed to love her husband, were never in love with him, didn't want to marry him--is rich. You lied by omission for 5 years. You need to get over being terrified of making your own way. It's not fair to expect him to make your lifestyle comfortable because you're afraid to make it on your own. He deserves to be with a woman who loves him, is in love with him and wants to make her life with him. It's a bit too late to be hung up you not hurting him: the fact that you've lived a lie for 5 years has already done the lion's share of the hurting of him. At the end of the day, what your sister thought back then was meaningless--she wasn't the one marrying someone she didn't love. You were grown and should have made up your own mind, not pass your decision past a committee for their approval. If people got mad, then let them be mad--they'll get over it and would have been happier that you didn't marry someone you didn't love. You think they'll be any happier now that divorce is looming? Perhaps it's time that the truth came forth and you leveled with him about how you feel and have been feeling for the past 5 years. That you never wanted to be married to him, but you did it to save face instead of being truthful and calling the whole thing off. What monetary loss you'd have incurred back then is a pittance to the emotional price tag you're going to have to pay to get out of it. Try the truth. It may work wonders for you. Link to comment
KarenC Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 If think that it's very wrong of you to pretend to love someone if/when you really and truly don't because not only does it cheat you, but also them. I realize that you acknowledge the fact that love doesn't live there and also that you want out but it's time to make it happen because your Husband deserves love and so do you. I know that he's going to cry, beg, and pleaded, but it's just so unfair for you to live under those conditions. It causes and creates so much unhappiness within for the both of you. I know that you have a lot to possibly lose but you're settling by staying. Does your Husband know how you feel about him (that you don't love him)? Link to comment
oneK Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 I think you know what the right thing is to do already BlueSkies, and are just looking for confirmation. Right now you are looking back and screaming at your past self not to get married. But she is not listening. What do you think your future self is screaming at you to do right now...? Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Welcome to ENA, From what you have written you both have been lying throughout the whole relationship haven't you? He lied to you and did things behind your back while you have been lying to him about being in love with him and lying to yourself about your true feelings. Marriages are hard enough when both people love and are in love with each other but with this situation there is always a cloud hanging over your relationship. Have you come right out and told him you are not in love with him? It looks like you were just waiting for him to screw up so he would be the bad guy and you could justify divorcing him. Step away from the untruths and sit down with him and tell him how you really feel. Tell him so as he searches for what happened he will have at least some answers as he moves forward in his life without you. You may not want to hurt him or leave him to fend for himself but he will be just fine just like you will be just fine after some time and healing has happened. Living a lie is exhausting so tell him the truth and remove that burden from your soul... Lost Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Why are you calling a perpetual liar a nice guy? Since you never loved him but chose to marry him anyway, you lied as well. I'd just get divorced and don't pursue any alimony or anything you didn't come into the marriage with since you misled him. Link to comment
oneK Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Don't let us be too hard on you BlueSkies - there are many many people who stay with and end up marrying partners they know they aren't in love with. And very few people in your position before the wedding would be able to call things off. Our culture has many mixed messages in the settling vs not-settling argument so it's rarely clear what is the 'right' thing to do. But now, you do seem to have a clear idea about what the right thing is for you. Don't let fear or guilt get in the way of that. Link to comment
force Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Wow I'm surprised you went through with the marriage when every part of you was screaming don't do it. Maybe I just think differently that I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. You must really like him as a friend but how do you wake up next to someone your not attracted to or in love with every morning or have sex with them. Like I said maybe I just think differently Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 However, I think that you being upset that "he can't be truthful about anything" in light of the fact that you went to the altar behind a lie--that you didn't love him like a wife is supposed to love her husband, were never in love with him, didn't want to marry him--is rich. You lied by omission for 5 years. Agree. Now, stop your lie and get moving. Right now, because of your fear and selfishness, you are holding this man, your husband back from finding a woman that will love him. One that will be there in all ways for him so that he doesn't have a need to get his emotional needs met through online capers behind her back. You do neither of you any favours by perpetuating each others lies. First things first. Go to a lawyer and tell him what you want to do and get both your rights spelt out for you. If you know what equity you will come out with then you won't be so afraid. Even if you have little equity, then go to your family and ask them to help you find a place you can afford on your own salary. Then start looking at those places. The more you accept that you're doing neither of you any favours by staying, the more strength you'll have to actually do the right thing this time. Do something tangible to help your own mind to accept that you don't need to live in a lie. Once you accept that, you'll be able to leave and stay gone this time. Expect him to bawl... he'll be scared to let go of his security blanket at first as well but I have a feeling he'll quickly find someone to replace you. Link to comment
Lester Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 I'm confused too... What did the counselors say about you two? Link to comment
blueskies333 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Share Posted January 27, 2014 I think you know what the right thing is to do already BlueSkies, and are just looking for confirmation. Right now you are looking back and screaming at your past self not to get married. But she is not listening. What do you think your future self is screaming at you to do right now...? This response made me cry…. You are SO, SO right. I have lived so long with regrets because of staying with this man when I should have gotten out… I should really take a moment to meditate on what my future self will say. Honestly, when I think of living life on my own, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I have never really been on my own before. I was 19 when we met and started dating, moved in with him straight from my parent’s house when I was 23. I'm confused too... What did the counselors say about you two? He is a sex addict, so the first counselor gave me a book to read about how to deal with people like that and the second counselor tried to talk me back into the marriage saying our problem was with trust. Which is true, except that really the problem is that I am not in love with him and nothing is going to change that.... I've tried. Does your Husband know how you feel about him (that you don't love him)? I think he knows, deep down inside, but I’ve never come right out and said it. Why are you calling a perpetual liar a nice guy? Since you never loved him but chose to marry him anyway, you lied as well. I'd just get divorced and don't pursue any alimony or anything you didn't come into the marriage with since you misled him. He really is a nice guy… everybody has demons. I wonder if he would be such a liar if I weren’t with him. I feel like he started the lies when we first met because he wanted to impress me and be the “perfect guy” for me, and it’s been that case ever since then. If I did divorce him it would be a 50/50 split among debt and possessions. But I wouldn’t pursue alimony anyway. I make decent money on my own. And I wouldn’t want the ties back to him. Wow I'm surprised you went through with the marriage when every part of you was screaming don't do it. Maybe I just think differently that I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. You must really like him as a friend but how do you wake up next to someone your not attracted to or in love with every morning or have sex with them. Like I said maybe I just think differently I know. I just felt that the emotional trauma of calling off a wedding would be too much. I never want to be the source of someone’s pain. I spend my entire life making people happy. I need to remember that I am important too. And we hardly ever have sex. That is on my end, however. When you feel like you are married to your brother it is hard to feel that desire. Also, he sleeps on the couch. Has been for months. He says it is due to his back, but I question that. Agree. Now, stop your lie and get moving. Right now, because of your fear and selfishness, you are holding this man, your husband back from finding a woman that will love him. One that will be there in all ways for him so that he doesn't have a need to get his emotional needs met through online capers behind her back. You do neither of you any favours by perpetuating each others lies. First things first. Go to a lawyer and tell him what you want to do and get both your rights spelt out for you. If you know what equity you will come out with then you won't be so afraid. Even if you have little equity, then go to your family and ask them to help you find a place you can afford on your own salary. Then start looking at those places. The more you accept that you're doing neither of you any favours by staying, the more strength you'll have to actually do the right thing this time. Do something tangible to help your own mind to accept that you don't need to live in a lie. Once you accept that, you'll be able to leave and stay gone this time. Expect him to bawl... he'll be scared to let go of his security blanket at first as well but I have a feeling he'll quickly find someone to replace you. Thank you. You are right. Ultimately I have been hoping and praying that someone will come into his life and sweep him off his feet, so that he will just leave me and I don’t have to be the one to do it. I guess the best course of action for me is to sit down and tell him the truth, as you all have said. Who knows, maybe he will be relieved. I don’t know though… he really does have this image in his head of the two of us growing old and being happy. Plus his stance on divorce. But I know he will be happier without me, ultimately. He will be able to get a place closer to his job, do whatever the heck he pleases on the internet and whatever else in person. He is a very good looking man, so I don’t expect him to have trouble finding a woman. I guess ultimately my feelings are that if in the end we need to be with someone who can be a companion, which we clearly are that, then maybe I should stay and just wait it out. But at the same time…. I crave love. I want to love someone with all of my heart and soul. I had it once in my life and I remember that feeling…. Sadly that relationship just wasn’t meant to be. I also just want to be single for a while. I want to be on my own and not have to deal with someone else’s demons. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Whatever you do, I highly suggest you do not tell him you NEVER loved him. That will stay with him the rest of his life and he'll have a hard time believing women in the future. To be showing someone in actions that you love them when you don't is taking away a choice that he should have been given the opportunity to have before he married you. Don't jade him into mistrusting the actions of all women. He is a sex addict, so the first counselor gave me a book to read about how to deal with people like tha She diagnosed him as being a sex addict? Link to comment
UhNotherGuy Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 That does sound like a difficult situation. I really hope that you find the peace of mind that you need. I want to share a point of view, but please do not be offended. My intention is honesty, not judgment. This relationship has been going on for 13 years, and these days, that is really impressive! But if you want to be honest with yourself, the dishonesty was coming from both parties involved; Your husband with an alter ego on the internet, and yourself for leading him on for 13 years under the guise of being IN love for the sake of comfort. I realize that it IS scary to be alone again, but as they always say "it's not the end of the world". You don't feel that kind of love towards him, and chances are that he will do the same secretive things again after enough time passes. Perhaps it would be best to find a way to be comfortable on your own, and separate. Let's be honest, after 13 years, you two won't be out of each other's lives for good; you'll just be there for each other in a different capacity. I don't think you've thought ahead to how much happier and free you will feel after leaving this relationship of comfort. I really hope you find peace of mind. Good luck and take care! Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 after 13 years, you two won't be out of each other's lives for good; you'll just be there for each other in a different capacity. And why would that be? Link to comment
blueskies333 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Share Posted January 27, 2014 Whatever you do, I highly suggest you do not tell him you NEVER loved him. That will stay with him the rest of his life and he'll have a hard time believing women in the future. To be showing someone in actions that you love them when you don't is taking away a choice that he should have been given the opportunity to have before he married you. Don't jade him into mistrusting the actions of all women. She diagnosed him as being a sex addict? Yes, she did. He still is, though he seems to be a little better. It was one of the most prevalent issues in our relationship. I can't be too hard on him though, since I was likely the one who pushed him to that point. Well, he was one before we met, but I didn't help the situation, is what I mean. Link to comment
blueskies333 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Share Posted January 27, 2014 Thank you. You are right that I definitely have not given much thought to that... I've been dwelling too much on the pain that is coming from having to tell him, and the awkwardness and challenges that will come from it. I wish I could just say it and black out until it's all over with, and I'm living life alone. Link to comment
blueskies333 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Share Posted January 27, 2014 I should also say that I recently met a man who has shown me what it feels like to be in love again. I have not done anything with him, nor will I - we are just becoming very good friends. He has already been brutally honest with me in saying that he does not have any further feelings for me other than he likes to talk as we have so many similar interests and things in common. But, there is so much about him that I love, and it was nice to discover that I could feel that again, even if it isn't reciprocated. I wasn't looking for him, I actually met him at a party that my husband and I went to and after small talk realized that we are almost like twins. But, if my husband and I do end up divorcing, which I truly do think we should, I just wouldn't want anyone to think it was because of this guy. Including myself. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Yes, she did. He still is, though he seems to be a little better. It was one of the most prevalent issues in our relationship. I can't be too hard on him though, since I was likely the one who pushed him to that point. Well, he was one before we met, but I didn't help the situation, is what I mean. You can't push someone into being a sex addict any more than you can push them into being an alcoholic or drug addict. As well as needing to come to terms with the idea of being on your own, you also need to establish healthier boundaries for yourself and establish a better sense of your own identity. Either than, or there is a high risk that you'll continue to attract unhealthy people into your life. It's impossible to have a good relationship with someone who's a habitual liar - not least because you don't actually know who they are. It's like trying to build a solid house on shifting sands. In many ways you are in a much better place than most people facing the prospect of divorce in that you are secure financially and are not likely to be facing a battle with your ex. Use your time to develop a better relationship with yourself, so that you are not scared of integrity, and that your principles are strong enough not to be compromised - with the inevitable sorrow this will cause in the long term. However, in breaking up with him, do not say or do anything which is gratuitously nasty. If you do, it will stay with both of you for a long time, and won't help anything. Link to comment
Lester Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 You said, "I should also say that I recently met a man who has shown me what it feels like to be in love again. - Ah, the confusion begins to lift. You said, "I have not done anything with him, nor will I... - Nope, you are and did. You said, " - we are just becoming very good friends." - lie PS, Your jumping out of the frying pan right into the fire. Link to comment
blueskies333 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 You said, "I should also say that I recently met a man who has shown me what it feels like to be in love again. - Ah, the confusion begins to lift. You said, "I have not done anything with him, nor will I... - Nope, you are and did. You said, " - we are just becoming very good friends." - lie PS, Your jumping out of the frying pan right into the fire. Yeah, normally I would agree with you. But, he actually just met someone last night - someone who is single and available - and told me he is going to start seeing her, so I am leaving him alone. I don't want another relationship anyway, I really just want to focus on me and be ME for a while, with no one else to worry about. Link to comment
blueskies333 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 I don't expect this to be particularly nasty... that isn't how either of us are. I do expect it to be incredibly sad, however. Link to comment
blueskies333 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Last night I could not sleep... the first night I've ever woken up tossing and turning and unable to turn off my mind. So I started to read through the journal I've kept for the last... almost 15 years. It was so incredibly painful to read through it and see all of the unhappiness. It was like a smack in the face when I finally realized, after seeing it in black and white over and over again, that I have felt this exact way - EXACT WAY - for so very long. It is definitely time to face reality and stop living in fear of the unknown and the emotional pain. The best course of action has been laid out, and I just kept ignoring it. Thanks, all, for listening. You've provided some valuable insight. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Yes, she did. He still is, though he seems to be a little better. It was one of the most prevalent issues in our relationship. I can't be too hard on him though, since I was likely the one who pushed him to that point. Well, he was one before we met, but I didn't help the situation, is what I mean. Well, you certainly didn't cause it but you enabled it. I'm sure your councellor has explained to you how you enabled it so I won't reiterate. It's good to hear that you've had an epiphany. See your lawyer asap and end the farce. Just don't do nothing for another decade is all. Link to comment
Lester Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 So I can understand… How long have you been seeing this other person? When did your husband learn of your infidelity? Link to comment
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