Leaving the Nice Guy

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like you aren't making rash choices which is good and getting that other man out of your life is really good! No matter what the other man has said he would be with you given the chance. He said he only wants friendship so if it becomes more it is all your idea even though he is leading you down that path.

 

So divorce is on the horizon... What next? Time to get your thoughts together on what you are going to tell your husband. I like the suggestion to not tell him you never loved him. Find a way to let him know you have been thinking about this for a very long time and you are positive that divorcing is the best thing to do. Don't give him false hope or put the blame on either of you. Let him down easy but firmly so he can begin to accept that the marriage is over.

 

I wouldn't use a lawyer if you can help it. Mediation is much better if it is amicable and it keeps a lot of money in both your pockets. You are so right that it will be very sad. It is the death of your marriage and it should be mourned.

 

Being single for a long time is also a very good idea. Find out just what you are made of and who you really are so when the time comes you will be authentic and true with whomever you are dating.

 

I dislike divorce but it is at times a necessity. You didn't just fall out of love....you never loved him so it is time to free both of you.

 

Best wishes and please think carefully how you will phrase the words that will hurt him and end your marriage.

 

Lost

[blueskies333]

So I can understand…

 

How long have you been seeing this other person?

When did your husband learn of your infidelity?

 

I haven't seen him, actually. We met at a party that my husband were both at, found we had common interests, all became friends on FB the next day, and then I started to message him about various things we'd discussed the night we met and in turn learned that we are essentially the others twin. It's never been anything more than that. I just was happy to have found someone who was so into all the things I am. I didn't think that person existed. However, he is very practical, and he knows that with me currently married there is no sense in pursuing a relationship, so when this person from his past popped up out of the blue he was honest with me when he said he was going to start dating her. That is all. Secretly, deep down, yes - I wish it could have been more. But that is just another sign for me that I am mentally checked out of this marriage.

[blueskies333]

Thank you, Lost.

 

I spent today thinking about how I would approach all of this and yes, I agree that I don't want to make any blame... I just want to lay it out. I don't want to tell him anything that will scar his psyche but I want him to know how it is. Honestly I do love him, but it is all a sister/brother type love. Not romantic or passionate. This is probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life so far. I keep finding myself getting scared and starting to go back down the path of comfort.... but then I recognize that is the reason why I'm here in this position right now.

 

I believe my friend who recently came into my life did so as a catalyst, nothing more. He came to show me what I was looking for that I did not have - never had - with my husband. That it does exist, somewhere out there. And I definitely need to be single. I have always defined my life as being with another person. I need to define my life as being with ME.

[Mari]

I don't think it's like that. People compare to what they have without the person, which is nothing, and what they have with the person, which is finances a nice house and so forth. So even though they're not in love they're still getting something. So I'd say these traits:

1) Risk Averse

2) Appreciation for what's available.

3) People pleaser

 

Have prevented her from risking finding someone new. And that is how it is, you leave, if you don't find someone better, you want what you had, even though it wasn't enough.

[Lester]

With the few facts you offered, vague or non-answer to questions and fanciful pop-culture ramblings of the “happy life”, my guess is you are scared of your husband and suffering from a bad case of green-grass fantasy.

 

You said, “I just was happy to have found someone who was so into all the things I am. I didn't think that person existed.”

- How many ways wrong can this one sentence be! These "men" are very common and skilled at manipulation of confused/fearful wives.

 

You said, “But, he, actually just met someone last night - someone who is single and available - and told me he is going to start seeing her, so I am leaving him alone.”

and

“However, he is very practical, and he knows that with me currently married there is no sense in pursuing a relationship, so when this person from his past popped up out of the blue he was honest with me when he said he was going to start dating her. That is all.”

 

- Wow are you naïve; The pursuit is not only still on… is has been intensified to the parasite 101 of “you better hurry” routine. (Honest… ha!)

 

 

You said, “Secretly, deep down, yes”

- Very true... animal truth.

 

You said, “I wish it could have been more. But that is just another sign for me that I am mentally checked out of this marriage.”

- You haven’t checked in or out. Your just using green-grass to run away from the marriage you deserve.

 

 

Blue… Forgive me if I'm way off base, but I’ve seen this thing happen over and over here. Thirteen years, a nice but somewhat screwed up husband, your fear and the stars in your eyes will lead to divorce.

Your parasitic "friend" will get what he’s after, (only your body), and move on. The divoce will happen and you will be stuck searching through the dumpy, (spend some time reading here on ena), date pile for only half of what you throwing away.

 

PS, Divorce for the incompatible, abusive, non-loving marriages is a logical first step toward happiness.

In your case, from what you have said/not said, I think you are going to really hate divorce for a really long time. Hope I’m wrong! Best to you.

[ThatwasThen]

Honestly I do love him, but it is all a sister/brother type love. Not romantic or passionate.

Sadly, you confuse "lust" with "Love."

 

*Looks in Crystal Ball*

 

You shall likely repeat every mistake you've ever made in this relationship with the next one if you don't learn the difference. You will lust after the next guy until it wanes, then (if he's codependent as you) you'll simply exist with one another while you wonder why you love him but you're not "in love" with him. Sad.

 

Lust can be rekindled when there is still love there.

[blueskies333]

Hmmmm.... well it IS certainly easy for everyone here to be armchair therapists, especially when you can only go off one side of a story and whatever part of that story I choose to divulge.

 

I will be fine, he will be fine. We will live out the rest of our lives either way. I am not an unhappy or a negative person, just someone who hates emotional conflict and being the one to cause it. I have made up my mind though to do what I've been wanting to do for years. I will survive, as will he. If the fates align so that I live out my life without a life partner, then so be it. Lucky for me I have plenty of friends and an amazing group of family who will provide companionship should that be the way that it goes. I'm not scared either way. All I know for certain is that if I could go back in time I would choose a different path. 100 times over I would choose the different path. And if I stay in this marriage there is a very good chance that one of us will have an affair, so why do that to the other? Best to just end it, count our loses, see the lessons, and move on. Life does not have to be so complicated or so sad.

 

Thanks again, all, for listening and providing your feedback.

[wilyone 11]

I was in almost the exact same situation as you. Was with my ex for 15 years total, married for 5 years (because I was never in any rush and broke the first engagement). I was never "in love" but I did have feelings of love for him if that makes sense. He was safe and comfortable and loved me to death. Other men weren't exactly beating down my door (probably because I was in a relationship lol).

 

I knew it was over when I couldn't tolerate having sex with him anymore, and I'm a sexual person. Like you said, it felt like having sex with a brother or something. All romantic feelings and passion had disappeared. It was SOOOO hard to disappoint him and I felt terrible about that, but I knew I just couldn't continue living in a roommate situation. I don't believe that every relationship or marriage is meant to last a lifetime, and it's impossible to promise someone that you will love them forever. How can you promise to feel a certain way in the future?

 

It took a long time for him to accept it. He fought back hard and I backed down and sucked it up for awhile. Gradually he stopped fighting. One night he said that he wasn't going to fight me anymore. And that was it. I was free. It was smooth sailing from there. That was about 18 months ago and it was actually the easiest break-up of my life, because I was emotionally checked out for at least two years. Haven't regretted it for a moment, although I know that my parents hate it. That's been the only hard part, kind of feeling like a failure in front of friends and family.

 

Best wishes to you.

[ThatwasThen]

Hmmmm.... well it IS certainly easy for everyone here to be armchair therapists, especially when you can only go off one side of a story and whatever part of that story I choose to divulge.

Just to highlight something: You were perfectly content with the answers that told you what you wanted to hear even though they too were based on a one-sided observation.

 

You'll both be fine, yes. People break up everyday and are fine. All I'm saying is learn the difference between lust and love or you'll end up with someone for the "chemistry" which quickly dissipates in any long term relationship if the two of you take one another for granted (as you did with your husband and he did with you) and don't do the basics to keep the fire's burning. The honeymoon stage doesn't last a life-time. EVER.

 

I too send best wishes to you.

[Circe]

I'm sorry - I don't know if you'll even see this response and I'm pretty sure you've made up your mind already but just to chime in - I agree with Lester.

 

Not trying to be critical - I think it is a problem if your husband really has a problem with lying - but not something you can't work on.

 

This other idea - that you love him but not romantically and therefore have been unhappy for more than a decade - this just saddens me a bit. I think you have a fantasy (an idea in your mind) about what life would be like with someone you loved romantically and how it would make you happy, and who knows - maybe you will find someone you can play that fantasy out with - and maybe it will even last long-term. But to be honest, I think it's just as, if not far, far, more likely that any relationship you get into will have it's problems and - unless you fall for a guy who essentially treats you like crap all the time, you will get bored and start taking what you have for granted and feeling dissatisfied and unhappy.

 

I feel like you don't know what you are about to lose right now and that by the time you do, it could be too late. So - I'm not saying don't leave - I'm saying think about staying for a while longer and giving counseling a real go. You said you stopped after 3 sessions. Don't you think giving it a proper go by really getting the issues out there and not sweeping them under the rug, as you said you did, might be worthwhile?

 

I know you say you aren't afraid of being alone - that's great. It's easier said than done though.

[wilyone 11]

I get so tired of these fear-based messages.

 

Like your signature says, LOVE IS THE ANSWER.

 

Follow your heart. Follow love. Don't stay in a love-less marriage because fear tells you that you didn't work hard enough and there's no one else out there for you.

 

This guy who came into her life? He was sent as a WAKE-UP call from the universe. She doesn't need to feel dead anymore.

 

When two people have learned everything they can learn from each other, the universe will often have them go their separate ways, to be replaced by new partners who teach them new lessons. Human beings see this as a great tragedy and failure, when it could be viewed as a tremendous gift.

[Circe]

I get so tired of these fear-based messages.

 

Like your signature says, LOVE IS THE ANSWER.

 

Follow your heart. Follow love. Don't stay in a love-less marriage because fear tells you that you didn't work hard enough and there's no one else out there for you.

 

This guy who came into her life? He was sent as a WAKE-UP call from the universe. She doesn't need to feel dead anymore.

 

When two people have learned everything they can learn from each other, the universe will often have them go their separate ways, to be replaced by new partners who teach them new lessons. Human beings see this as a great tragedy and failure, when it could be viewed as a tremendous gift.

 

Well, that's ok - because I get tired of "you're not in love? Get divorced" answers too.

 

The fact that OP is saying now that she never loved her husband, not even when she married him - doesn't mean that that is true. All it means is that's how she's feeling now. I know that it is possible to look back on a history and see it, not as it actually was, but distorted - based on how one is feeling presently.

 

I do not believe for one second that it is obvious here that OP spent 13 years with this man, married for 5 yrs, without ever loving him as a wife loves a husband. It's possible that she did - but I don't think it's obviously the case at all - just because she's saying it now.

 

OP says she went back and read her diary and she's always felt this way. Are you telling me you wrote in your diary every day for 13 years and you felt this way every day? Or are you focusing only on periods of your life when you felt this way? Were their periods where you were happy and loved him? Is it possible that you only write in your diary when you are unhappy and so the diary gives a distorted and unrealistic picture of what your life with your husband has actually been like?

 

OP says she loves her husband - but not in a romantic way. I think she owed it to herself to go see a counselor and work out what she really means here. What she needs. And give her husband a real chance to fulfill that. That's what you do when you're married. You try and try and try until you are sure there is nothing more to be done - you do that because IF you are married to a good man (and OP herself says, that his sex addiction notwithstanding, he's a good man) - then the end result of working it out is more than worth it.

 

The idea that this is "fear based" is meaningless. We don't live in a world where negative things can't happen. Obviously things like ending up alone and with huge regrets - or ending up in a crap relationship with huge regrets ARE possible consequences of OPs actions. Not taking into account the possible (and even likely) consequences of a big decision - that's irrational, if you ask me. Of course no one should live their life controlled by fear - but at the same time, people should think about the potential negative consequences of their actions and truly be prepared for them - and better still - avoid them if there are better paths open.

 

To tell this woman who says she's been with a good man for 13 yrs to get up and divorce him because - after losing her heart to some guy she met at a party - says she wants freedom now - even though she may just be focusing selectively on times in her relationship where she hasn't been happy and hasn't felt like she loved this guy - that's nuts to me. You're entitled to your opinions but I think it's treating this very long relationship and marriage like it's worthless. It's at least worth a proper shot at counseling.

 

OP - there was a time in my marriage when my husband and I had a very big problem - and he just gave up. It absolutely killed me and me very miserable. I remember saying to him that I didn't love him and NEVER loved him. He told me that that wasn't true - that I was looking at things through a tint of what I was feeling at the time - but to think - really think - and I would know that wasn't true. But I coudnt do it. I was too angry to see it. When the anger went away - of course I could see that he was right. Maybe you are actually more angry than you think because he's let you down - I don't know - but I truly believe there's a strong possibility that what you say you feel isn't exactly an accurate or fair summing up of your feelings for your husband.

 

Maybe it is absolutely accurate - I don't know - but the relationship and the marriage - they are worth a proper go at counseling. And - whatever anyone wants to tell you about not being afraid - repairing a marriage with a good man is a thousand times better than the rather large risk of living your life alone or in a relationship that isn't half as good as the one you are in now. If people don't like hearing that - they can rest assured in the fact that this is just one (well, two if I can count Lester) poster's opinion.

[ThatwasThen]

I get so tired of these fear-based messages.

 

Like your signature says, LOVE IS THE ANSWER.

 

Follow your heart. Follow love. Don't stay in a love-less marriage because fear tells you that you didn't work hard enough and there's no one else out there for you.

 

This guy who came into her life? He was sent as a WAKE-UP call from the universe. She doesn't need to feel dead anymore.

 

When two people have learned everything they can learn from each other, the universe will often have them go their separate ways, to be replaced by new partners who teach them new lessons. Human beings see this as a great tragedy and failure, when it could be viewed as a tremendous gift.

 

This is reality we're talking about here. Perhaps she should read the Secret and work on the passion in her relationship instead of confusing lust with love and when the lust is gone, thinks she simply "loves" and is not "in love".

 

There was no "fear based" message in that post you quoted. It was common sense.

 

Op may leave the marriage but don't leave it because she thinks she 'loves' but is not 'in love.' Even the most loving couples can crush on another if there are no personal and romantic boundaries in place. It is no wakeup call that you no longer love your partner. It is the end-result of what happens when your boundaries are not in place or there never were any. Its what happens when two people that once enjoyed a sex life have let it go stale and didn't re-work the passion when it began to wain, it is the thought process of someone who will repeat what they just came out of if they don't learn the lesson that the last relationship should have taught them.

 

When two people have learned everything they can learn from each other, the universe will often have them go their separate ways, to be replaced by new partners who teach them new lessons. Human beings see this as a great tragedy and failure, when it could be viewed as a tremendous gift.

Sorry but that statement just reminds me of someone who is a serial monogamous who doesn't put any stock in LIFEmating. Seems we can spin things about "the universe" to accommodate our (the general our) own tendencies. That doesn't make it true.

[blueskies333]

Hello, all. It has now been over 3 years since I posted this.

 

I stayed. We talked. We went to counseling. We tried to make it work, and it was ok for a while, but the problems we had were too fundamental, and we were never able to fully connect.

 

I agree with Wilyone 11. Sometimes people are meant to be together, but just not for forever. And that's OK. It took years for me to learn that. I think too many people stay with the wrong person because they are taught that divorce is wrong and that any marriage can be saved. It's just not true. Sorry.

 

We are now starting the process of separation and divorce. I do not regret the time that we were together. I believe it was for a reason. He is sad, but he now understands. We are lucky enough that we're approaching this as amicably as possible. We will be continuing to live together until our house sells, at which point we will file and go our separate ways.

 

Divorce is not easy. Hurting someone who you truly do care about sucks. But realize that staying with someone simply because you don't want to hurt them is, in the end, hurting them even more.

 

Best of luck to all who are in my situation. It hurts, but the right thing to do is be honest, and live authentically. It's a big world out there, with a lot of people in it. No need to settle, and no need to force someone else to, either.

[Lester]

I want to apologize for my rush to judge.

 

Good luck, and may God be with you!

[KantSleep]

"But realize that staying with someone simply because you don't want to hurt them is, in the end, hurting them even more."

I have been in this situation. It is indeed a bad spot. Good luck with all your future endeavors.

[ThatwasThen]

When two people have learned everything they can learn from each other, the universe will often have them go their separate ways, to be replaced by new partners who teach them new lessons. Human beings see this as a great tragedy and failure, when it could be viewed as a tremendous gift.

^^^ The true definition of "Serial Monogamy" it seems.

[Myrivera]

Nice guys are dishonest. They people please because their anxiety wants them to be well liked so they can receive the love they deep down don't believe they deserve. They are manipulative that way because the services they perform (cook, clean, fall all over themselves to do anything you want or need) are a covert contract. They do nice things for you and expect reciprocity but when they don't get it, they bury their resentment and anger deep down for fear of rocking the boat. The built up resentment will sink that boat called relationship. How do I know this? I'm a nice guy going through a divorce I didn't want. I catered to my wife's every need but her criticism and verbal abuse made me lose my self-respect and self-worth. A woman will never love a man she doesn't respect. A man with no autonomy and constantly needs input and validation will soon find himself without self-respect in the actions he ends up enduring. I became a shell of my true self and I truly believed I had no value and worth as a human being. That's a terrible thing to do (no matter unintentional) to another person. You disrespected your husband with your online endeavors. His reactions disrespected you. If the marriage and your husband are truly important to you, please seek help and counseling. Truly give it your all. Otherwise, give each other the true gift of respect and cut the cord. You both deserve happiness whether together or separately.