jan1968 Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 Hi all, I've not been here for quite a while and I hope everyone is well. Myself and my LDR boyfriend have had our ups and downs but we have been together for just over 4 years now and love each other. He has a best female friend who I was aware of but did not feel threatened by till now. Way back in March last year I was supposed to go down South to stay with him for a week, I live up North in the UK. He contacted me to let me know he was going to be too busy for us too see each other, I was upset but I got over it and got busy with stuff myself. He then rang me at about 01.30am at the end of the week very upset and saying that this female friend had been to visit him and stayed in his spare room for about a week. He kept saying that nothing had happened and he knows he should've told me. I was in shock and couldn't quite comprehend what he told me. They have been friends for 30 years and had a brief teenage fling. She has been there for him for all his relationship break ups and his marriage breakdown. We kept talking about this but I don't think he wants us to meet or be friends on Facebook. I really didn't know what to do about it all so I thought I trust and love him so just tried to forget about it all but did keep my radar on so to speak. I saw him in April but he was a bit off with me and distant and he even said later he knew he was acting not himself. I didnt think it was anything to do with her but now im not so sure. We didn't see each other till October because of money and work, now please don't shoot me but I am not a snooper and I have never snooped before in previous relationships but I did in his mobile which is password locked with the same pattern as mine. I saw texts between them saying they loved each other and one he sent saying he wanted to be with her! He was calling her sweetness and gorgeous, she was calling him honey. Quite a few texts later of asking how each other is, there was one of her saying that it was best they stayed best friends as too many years have gone by. He replied that he was sad but she was still his best friend and girl. She then answered by sending lots of hearts and smiles. His last text to her was asking what to do with his life - a lot of plans but the last one was "sell up buy a motor home and come for her! ". Absolute no mention of me in any of these exchanges, to say I was stunned was an understatement and how the hell I acted normal the rest of the week is a miracle. I know I shouldn't have snooped and I am very ashamed of myself and I know I cannot say anything as he will know I've been in his phone. What a mess I am in and it is eating away at me. I think whatever has been going on has cooled but it could've been an emotional affair not really sure what it was! I am due to see him next week for a week he has not acted any different with me, very loving says he wants me wants to be with me and misses me very much. I love him very much but I don't know what to do with this situation I've got myself in. Please try not to judge me I'm ashamed of myself enough. Thank you for listening to me. Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 He cheated on you. I am sorry but you should end this now. This is the reason I would never date a guy with a close female friend. Move on with your life and find a man who is not crushing on a woman he can't have for 30 years! Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 I think it's best to take note of the following things: - She's not his best friend - that is for sure. She is someone he wants to be with - She is the one who is rejecting him because "too many years have gone by" - You snooped because you felt you were being lied to. You found out your intuition was right. - She stayed at his in the spare room for a week- which, keeping in mind his record of truth-telling, and the above statements, I would also be cynical about. - This stay compromised you being able to see him, therefore he would rather have this woman staying in the house with him than you It doesn't matter if he judges you for going into his phone, what he is doing is far greater. It is most definitely an emotional affair. And I would bet a lot on it being a physical affair as well... Link to comment
jan1968 Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 Thanks for the reply I've definitely got a lot to think about, I think I've had my head in the sand for a very long time. Thanks once again. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 Your boyfriend is in love with his female friend. You should break up with him. None of this is your fault. He already had strong feelings before he ever met you. It's wrong of him to hide his true feelings from you. For some reason they haven't taken that step yet. Link to comment
dragonfly94 Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 He clearly has strong emotional feelings for this other lady, and as much as it hurts right now, its probably best to break it off. And yes, a lot of times a close female friend can be very uncomfortable for the girlfriend. Personally, I try and avoid men with close female friends because I've been burnt more than once. And keep your chin up, it'll hurt a while but I promise it gets better as soon as you decide to move on. And as for him, if they didn't work out in the last 30 years, I doubt they will now. Emotional cheating is as hurtful if not more than physical cheating, and while I get it, people make mistakes, everyone has to pay the price of hurting someone. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 It would seem that the only reason he is not with her is because she rejects him that way. Still, he is carrying a torch for her and likely has all these years. That's kind of messed up if you think about it. He carries on and has other relationships, but ultimately, he is stuck on her. Personally, I'd walk on that basis and be done with him. Also, in the future, your huge red flag is not so much a female friend, but what boundaries they have and whether or not you are introduced to her just like you would be to anyone else in his life. The second you get any kind of secretiveness, don't even bother with snooping, just walk. Your intuition will be correct every time. When something looks rotten, it's because it is. Link to comment
jan1968 Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 Boy do I feel like a complete idiot! Thank you all for your constructive honest replies definitely got a lot to think about and deal with. Link to comment
Kendahke Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 since he's pretty much indicated that you do not fit into the picture, I dont' see what telling him you saw what you saw and to kiss your behind would hurt. You're still going to end up without the guy, so might as well cut him off at the knees while you're at it. I mean, why would you want a man who is actively pursuing another woman, lying to you about coming to see him, being false and phony while you're with him and telling this woman that he'd sell off his life to buy a motor home to come scoop her up? I mean, TF? My questions to you are: yeah, you love him "very much", but how much do you love yourself? Do you believe you deserve to be treated like this? Do you like the person you're having to become in order to have this guy in your life? Link to comment
jan1968 Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 I do get your point and I obviously don't love myself enough. Im not usually so weak but have been through the deaths of both my parents actually in the same bloody year I met him which explains a lot really. Thsnk you for your replies got a lot to think about. Link to comment
jan1968 Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 The one thing I cannot understand is how loving he is to me. Only last night he was on the phone saying how much he missed me and wants me. Im not justifying whats happened I just can't get my head around it, these exchanges with her which I think are not happening now, we are going to have 'the big talk' next week about our future and what we both want. I have got a lot to think about. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I think he's caught in a place where the girl he wants to be with won't have him, and the girl he is casually seeing has found out he's over the moon for her. Honestly, I think you should pragmatically ask him, next week, if he wants to be with her - just straight up shoot the question at him like you're an old friend. And whatever he says, tell him you think he should go, and be done with this man in your life! As soon as he has gone, you'll be far better equipped to find your next relationship. Be honest, there's been so many times here in this past where you and him were so far apart, that such separation should be easy enough to do. Link to comment
jan1968 Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 You are right I will ask him I have to for my sanity, thank you for your help. Link to comment
jan1968 Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 And another incident which was very strange, the last time I was with him in December, he said this female friend was acting like his ex - wife! I wss very shocked and just didn't know how to answer him, I just looked at him and asked him what he meant but he didn't answer me. Its all so bloody confusing and its doing my head in to say the least! Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Why do we fall for these people? Here's to world peace! Link to comment
jan1968 Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 Haha yep I agree Link to comment
jan1968 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Just a bit of an update when I last saw my boyfriend a few weeks ago, we ended up not talking about stuff and just had a lovely time together. Anyway we spoke last night on the phone I didn't tell him about looking in his phone but did ask him about him and his friend. He said she was like a sister to him and yes he did love her but nothing has ever happened. He got quite angry that I'd asked him and he kept saying "you don't believe me do you?". We ended the conversation then not on a good note and I ended up texting him apologising for upsetting him! Yes I know I'm an idiot! So he must've text me back with a few kisses in reply when I was eventually asleep as it was getting quite late. So I feel like I'm in limbo now and no idea what to think about the whole situation and feel really crap about it all. He actually said we could meet which is something he has never said before in fact he said quite the opposite last year. I feel like I'm in the wrong in this but I know what I saw on his phone and I wish I had the guts to confront him about that. Last night was bad enough. Thank you for listening to me ramble on about it. Link to comment
lerenard Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 You are not in the wrong. No matter how much he loves her - he chooses her over you. With your best friends you share the happiness of your great relationship, right? You tell your friends about your girlfriends/boyfriends. He never mentioned you, for a clear reason. When you were supposed to go see him he cancelled it all, telling you he had no time, but then wait - he did had plenty of time! But he chose to spend it with her. STOP apologizing, you did nothing wrong. You had a gut feeling, so you went on and checked. And you were right - he wasn't being honest! DUMP HIM for your own sake. You are his side dish. Link to comment
jan1968 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Thank u for replying I will take your advice on board its very much appreciated Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. Staying with someone who consistently lies to you, whether by implication or quite deliberately, is an absolutely soul-destroying thing to go through. Long distance relationships are hard enough to maintain even when both of you are really committed; your current situation doesn't have an earthly chance of ending well for you. On the other hand, the fact that it IS long distance makes it easier for you to walk; you won't have the problems with bumping into him, or mutual friends taking sides, or any of the other collateral damage which happens after a breakup. If you feel really uncomfortable about confronting him, don't. Just tell him that the distance between you is taking its toll, you'd like the relationship to progress but it can't because you're so far apart, and that you think that each of you would be better off looking for someone else - and walk. Don't get hung up on how he feels about you, what he tells you, all the rest. Look at your own feelings of hurt and betrayal - without beating yourself up - and make the decision that you won't be putting yourself through this any more. You owe it to yourself. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Honey, I am sorry but the reality is he actively and aggressively pursued another woman and is in love with her while he was with you. and if she hadn't shut him down, he would be with her rather than with you. Note how he talked about selling his house and moving to be with her, but he hasn't done that with you has he? I think he has back burned you as someone he contacts for attention and stimulation, but he is not seeing you as a serious long term potential for a relationship in real life. You are calling him your BF, but you hardly ever see him for months and months on end, and sometimes when you ask to see him, but just turns you down and says he's busy. So honestly, regardless of what you THINK, this guy isn't even really your BF. He's an internet/phone flirtation that isn't serious in his mind because he is totally leaving his options open and pursuing other women while he's supposed to be dedicated to you. So you are see this as a 'real' relationship and him as a 'real' BF, but he is seeing himself as single and perfectly able to chase any woman he chooses should the fancy strike him. And he did! He is angry at you because you busted him and caught him at it, and you obviously care about him way more than he cares about you and he knows it. Please don't be his doormat. You honestly should have dumped him the second you read those emails of love towards that other woman, and especially dumped him hard because there he is talking about pulling up stakes and dropping everything to go live near her, and meanwhile he does NOTHING to really see you and no plans at all for a future with you. So you're ENTERTAINMENT to him and an EGO BUILDER for him and an random HOOKUP for him when he's in the mood, but this isn't a real relationship in the true sense of the word with two people firmly bonded, exclusive, and planning a future together. It is more about fantasy and stimulation rather than anything in real life. btw, he may TELL you you'll meet this other woman, but dollars to donuts it will never happen, there will always be an excuse. For LDRs to succeed, you must have concrete plans to live in the same area and turn it into a real life relationship in the near rather than far future, otherwise they eventually fizzle out when one person or the other finds someone else in real life to date, or pursues the next online fantasy relationship when they get bored. But in this case, I advise you strongly to break up with him because he clearly preferred this other woman and actively chased her behind your back, and the only reason he didn't cut you off was because she rejected his romantic overtures. He'd already be gone if she'd responded to them, and he'll be gone for sure when he finds someone else he likes well enough and then he'll dump you. He has the opportunity to strengthen your relationship and doesn't take it, and instead talks about moving to be where some other woman lives. There is no future in this for you, only whatever time exists between now and when he finds a woman he does want enough to commit to or to move move near her so they can have a real life together. That woman obviously isn't you, I'm very sorry. After 4 years, this should have progressed to a marriage and living together in the same area, and it just hasn't done that, and in fact he is actively chasing other women and turning you down if he's 'busy' when you want to see him. So sadly this is going nowhere, and he's a cheater, so you shouldn't waste one more moment of your precious life with him. You can and will find someone local, but you need to dump this guy and put your efforts into finding a local guy in real life rather than a fantasy guy who is chasing other women behind your back. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 btw, there is one more powerful lesson you are learning here... actions speak more loudly than words. And his actions were he would blow you off when you tried to see him and not put all that much effort into being with you in real life. And after 4 years of a fantasy LDR, still no movement towards being together and marriage. He frankly should probably have proposed after a couple years, and you should have already been living together in the same area and married by now (or living together at a minimum) if this were a relationship that he took seriously, which he obviously doesn't. It costs him very little to text or chat when he's bored and see you for a bit of fun every few months... that is not a real relationship, that is an online fantasy relationship. You deserve better than that, and shouldn't settle for that either. Time to recognize this is going nowhere, and move on and find a real in-person BF who lives near you and will actually see you all the time rather than next to never. And most importantly, find someone who isn't a liar and cheat and who won't pursue other women behind your back. You already have 100% evidence that he's a liar and a cheat and willing to live a double life in order to get what he wants, and a person like this can NEVER be trusted because he is a betrayer and uses other people based on his whim of the moment. Link to comment
jan1968 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Thank you for the advice ill take it all under consideration and then decide what to do. He's just text me saying he loves me and wants me to be with him. I just don't understand any of it I really don't Link to comment
lerenard Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Are you seriously considering staying with him after that? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 >>I just don't understand any of it I really don't This is very easy to understand... you've been together 4 years, still not living together and still not married, him chasing other women and declaring love for them while lying to you. Very simple: He's a liar and a cheat and you can't believe anything he says. It's just words, very easy for him to say to keep you on the hook and keep this fantasy game going. You are really naïve if you stay with someone when you have discovered he is wildly proclaiming his love to someone else and trying to get with her when he's with you. He doesn't love you, he is USING you to tide himself over until he can find a woman he likes well enough to get serious about building a life together. And you don't have a life together at all. He lives in one place and you another and you rarely see each other and have no plans for marriage or living together. So this is totally stalled and going nowhere. So nothing confusing about that at all. Your 'confusion' is that you are trying so hard to hang onto the fantasy that he's your one true love, while his actual behavior is showing you that what is going on here is far different than your own fantasies of what this situation is about. It isn't true love, in fact it sounds like he believes his true love is this other woman, and you're just the consolation prize because he can't find a woman he loves as much as this 'friend'. So really, the writing is on the wall and you need to confront him about what you found on the phone about him being in love with this other woman, and break it off with him. This man doesn't love you, regardless of the words, or he'd be selling his house and moving to where you are, just as he promised that other women he'd do. He's not doing that, is he? So that proves he doesn't really love you, though he is willing to use you as a nice fantasy to pass the time when he's bored or needs an ego stroke... but he's not interested in a permanent in-person relationship with you or things would be far different than how they are now. Link to comment
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