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Sudden change of behavior and hasty ending


mbee

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I was dating this guy for the past 5 months. It's a very weird situation because I'm moving to Australia in about a month (which he's known since the beginning of dating me) and he was very against being in a relationship with me for the first 2 months and suddenly changed his mind about 3 months ago. We have not been in an actual relationship, mainly because I wasn't sure how serious he really was about me (he hasn't been in a serious relationship for 4 years and has been doing the casual sex thing for awhile before meeting me), I didn't know if I wanted an LDR, AND I wasn't sure if I was ready for a relationship right now (bad breakup about 10 months ago). He's been in 100% agreement about treating this as an exclusive friends with benefits thing until I leave knowing that we both want more, but the situation just doesn't feel right for that. We have said we loved each other as well and he was making plans to come visit me in Australia, and we both discussed trying a relationship once I return in a year if we both want that.

 

To make a long story short, this guy has been sabotaging our friendship/relationship the past couple of weeks. He's been acting completely out of character. For instance, I'm balancing time between friends and him before I leave. A friend wanted to see a movie, so I asked him if he wanted to join or would rather I see it with just him later via text and he became passive aggressive and implied that I didn't want to spend time with him. When I talked about it with him later that night, he got upset, said how I didn't want an us and was leaving anyway, asked me to leave his place, and ignored me for a few hours. Then he apologized for his behavior and tried to make up with me. This happened again when I was out at my friend's birthday party. I came home an hour later and he responded to my texts saying he was sleeping, then ignored my texts for a few hours, asked me to come over at 2am, and tried to act like me coming home an hour later than scheduled is why it was okay for him to ignore me for a few hours. Basically he's taking small things as a rejection. He's never been this way before with me. I frequently go out with friends, it's just been the last 2 weeks.

 

To make matters worse, he canceled on being my date for a fundraiser for an organization I built (something that I planned for over a year and is very important to me). He promised he wouldn't miss it, since he knew how important it was to me. Then the morning of the event he canceled so that he could spend time with his Dad who decided to visit that weekend (he could have invited his Dad to come). Then he canceled on coming to a big company party this weekend and then canceled on another date we had planned for the past several weeks. As a result, I canceled on a weekend trip we had planned to his hometown since this was hurting me. We talked about this a couple of nights ago, but his response was extremely confusing, he was even getting upset and sounded like he was starting to cry on the phone. He mentioned how this situation is so difficult with me leaving in a month and he just wants to be done with this now. He basically rushed off the phone, said goodbye, to have a safe trip to Australia, and hung up on me without even letting me respond!

 

At this point I'm not sure what to do. He's canceled on so many things that I am very disappointed in him. Also his huge overreactions to things have really made me question a lot of things. He's been very dramatic and not treating me well. Basically what I'm saying, is given I'm only here for another month, I see no way that we can get past what happened in a matter of a few weeks. Also, it seems like he's content just sabotaging what we have had. I feel really bad about it since I really care about him and we've had a really close friendship... but he basically said goodbye and just ended it there and canceled all the plans we made in the next several weeks. I know it's best to let it go if he really is so against this, but should I try to reach out in any other way? With me leaving so soon, it feels so odd to just let things end there and never see this person again. Any advice?

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He is unnecessarily being possessive and immature. If you like you can meet him one last time and tell him frankly how you feel about it and that you are not going to bear it any more? If he does not listen you and is insensitive to your feelings then I think you must move on and, as others in the forum said, focus on what lies ahead.

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Seems like he is being extra sensitive to things that are happening, most likely due to the fact that you are leaving. I can imagine he has all this anger and confusion building up in him and you are his outlet as you are the one that is leaving. It's tricky because you'll be gone for a whole year, and even though it's a short amount of time he knows deep down that a lot can happen in a year. I'm only imagining this because before me and my boyfriend decided to stay together in an LDR, we were set on splitting up and I went through similar feelings although I can't say I went to those extremes, inside me was a constant battle between emotional and logical. At the end of the day, he just doesn't want you to go.

If his behaviour has made you want to throw the towel in, then I'd say let him deal with it his own way and concentrate on the other people you will be leaving behind. However, if you do feel you have more to say then let him know that even though you are leaving, you want to have a great last month with him and spend time together when you are able to. It is sad, and confusing to know you've met this great person you have feelings for and they have to leave, and he's probably finding it hard to deal with this. It also needs to be explained that he is not the only person you will be leaving behind and that you need to spend time with your friends as well. If he doesn't want to accept this, then at least you get to say a nicer goodbye than the one you have had so far.

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Thanks for this! Very helpful. It's not about me wanting to throw in the towel, I just know that if I leave for Australia on this note... that it'll just build resentment in me and make me unsure of a future with him. For instance him skipping out on my fundraiser and the other 2 events, makes me feel like he's not supportive of me. I can say some of this is from me leaving for Australia but is this how he'll cope with things in the future, even if I wasn't leaving? Would he try to "punish" me with his anger and confusion by bailing on things that mean a lot to me. Those are the concerns I have. If I was here longer, then it would give us more time for him to make it up to me, but at this point he just has a handful of weeks to make it up to me, and it's clear it's not going in that direction. I even saw he defriended me on Facebook today. All of this is not making me feel like I can say a nicer goodbye.

 

Maybe there will be an opportunity in the next few weeks. If not, I was planning to try and say something right before I leave or mail him a goodbye letter or something. It's just shocking how dramatic of a turn this whole thing took. Really was not expecting it.

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You've both agreed that an LDR is impractical and to not treat it like something that would move forward. He's backing out now to spare his feelings. Try and understand that and just let it go since its not what either of you want anyways. You have all these new exciting opportunities and new friends ahead of you where he'll be kind of left behind with the friends/situations he already has now...not that that's a bad thing-I'm sure he has a decent life...but try to understand from his perspective. I would likely do the same thing.

Good luck in Oz....I hear its wonderful!

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I think when you get into a mess, what you get out of it is often a mess as well. From the beginning, the whole thing has been back and forth, wishy washy, push-pull where you had to put your foot down to get anything resembling an agreement. And now it's back to a jumbled mess.

 

I think in the future you will look back at this situation and laugh. But I would again recommend leaving this guy alone.

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