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Me and Ex are taking it "slow for now" what to expect!


bison67

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So me and my ex split up 6 weeks ago and that is a completely different story that i have shared in this thread a few times, been a very rough past few weeks for me. So last week my ex calls me to discuss many things involving "us", she still loves me and cares about me a ton and has missed me over the past few weeks. She has been and is currently hooking up with a guy but says she is completely bored and over it and is done with her once he moves away in 2 weeks to Alberta. She says that when she would leave his place she would miss me alot and want to be with me, that thought scared her though cause she promised herself she wouldnt just jump back into things with me. She came up with that idea that me and her should start hanging out again as "friends" and just get to know each other again so she can see if i really have changed and she wants to be with me. She is open to the idea of getting back together in the future but really has to make sure she is doing it for the right reasons. We saw each other last night for the first time in 6 weeks and talked about us for about 3 hours, she says right now she loves me, but isnt in love with me, she knows i have made changes to better myself and wants to see them and that actions speak louder then words, she wants to start fresh now as 2 people who just met and go from there. No promises, no expectations. She also came to me with the idea of going on a little weekend vacation somewhere together in the next few weeks just as the two of us to see how it feels. I have changed alot in the past few weeks and i know she will see that! She is happy we are talking as friends right now and she said is really helping her let go of the bad feelings of the negative things i did to her in the relationhship and she is remembering the good times more and more. She knows i wanna get back together and she says part of her wants to as well, but she just isnt ready to take the risk yet until she gets to know the "new" me better. She has been partying and drinking alot and being really wild over the past few weeks and hooked up a few times, sucks to hear about but thats life. She is giving me a chance to show her i have changed and im lucky! We have been texting and talking on the phone alot lately and it feels like old times, so thats a good start! She is coming over tonight to watch a movie and have dinner with me, anyways any thoughts or concerns from anyone???

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Bad idea. She is just using you because she is bored and he is leaving.

You have seen how she is willing to treat you...and she is beyond cruel. And yet you are going to put your hand in the fire once more.

 

She has shown her true colors. You are blind not to see them.

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She's full of bull ish. Anytime someone says they, "want to take it slow", "see where things go", etc they are lying and they just want attention from you.

 

If she won't sleep with you on your dinner date, kick her out, right then, and tell her not to contact you unless she wants to get back together.

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Im all confused by this, becuase i know she misses me and wants me in her life, im just not sure how. She is willing to see how things are with me, she has met a few guys and just days that none of them connect with her like me. I admit it i was a bad bf and i hurt her through selfish immature ways. I think of her everyday and love her so much! She has 0 feelings for any of these other guys and misses how i was always there for her, and i still am. She is just confused on wether she wants a relationship for awhile and if i have really changed. Everything is so confusing....

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She never cheated on me while we were together, shes no a liar by any means. All the things she did were in the past 6 weeks. She was able to move onto other guys quickly because she said that she was mentally out of the relationship a month before dumping me. But things just seem different now after being apart, she wanted to see change.

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Keep telling yourself that enough times and you'll start believing it. I love you but I'm not in love with you means I'm trying out other guys but still want you around just in case.

 

If she truly loved you she'd be with you, period.

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She has slept around like an alley cat since she broke up with you because you needed to change. You did some introspection and saw what needed to be fixed...not for her...but for you to transition from boy to man.

 

She went and started partying, slept with a bunch of guys...told you about the sex, etc.

NOW....because she hasn't found anything better she will "get to know you again"????

 

Has her partying affected her memory? You broke up.a few weeks ago.

She is going to use you...and keep looking.

 

Don't start up again. She will just keep hammering your heart.

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She has been and is currently hooking up with a guy but says she is completely bored and over it and is done with her once he moves away in 2 weeks to Alberta.

 

If he wasn't moving away in 2 weeks do you really think you would have heard from her? I am sorry but you are her backup plan.

Tell her to stay away & only contact you when she is ready to come back & have a relationship.

Please don't let her use you.

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Ya i do cause she is bored already and has started to think about me again, classic grass is greener case, and we were broken up so she was free to sleep with whoever she wanted. Its really difficult cause we hungout last night and it felt fine and civil, she just wants to see if i have really changed before she wants to commit, i get that why would she want to jump into something blind and have me hurt her again? We were talking while they were hooking up, i see past it cause i know its temporary and she doesnt really want it that bad. She doesnt want to be single and she wants me, but she wants the new changed me, she just has to see it.

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You're going to do whatever it you want to do, as it should be, but you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

 

We both know that if the other guy wasn't leaving town nothing would have changed. If you like being second best then that's up to you.

 

Good luck.

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well i changed my ways for myself cause i took a step back after she dumped me and needed to change, i was a boy treating a girl poorly in a relationship, she deserves a man. So i made some goals and got some help and im working towards growing up and being a man for myself.

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You are free to do as you wish, Bison.. but are being asked to be 'cautious' with this step & decision.

As per her actions as of late as well as this break up only being a few weeks.

 

She has definetly live it up, while you've been apart- not sure how long you two were together?

But- it is 'normal' to end up 'missing' each other after a break up happens. There's a whole new world of change going

on and it is NOT easy to 'accept'. Therefore, often, after a little while, the couple will re-interact again and of course, admit how they feel about each other...

 

Of course she misses you & vice versa, because you're no longer around each other. Doesn't necessarily mean that you must get back together again, though.

Usually, when a BU occurs, it's for a reason(s). These reasons/issues need to be dealt with in order for the relationship to be able to work- or you'll just end up in the same place again..broken.

 

Anyways.. these are just words of caution. Sure, all seems great right now, because you miss each other, etc. ( Like trying to wean yourself off a drug- is very hard to do).

But just be aware of the possible outcome... so, do approach with caution.

 

As you have mentioned here

>> " she would miss me alot and want to be with me, that thought scared her though cause she promised herself she wouldnt just jump back into things with me. She came up with that idea that me and her should start hanging out again as "friends" and just get to know each other again so she can see if i really have changed and she wants to be with me. "

 

Also, I wouldn't agree to take off for a weekend away with her, If you're both trying to start off 'fresh' again and go SLOWLY. Not such a great idea at this time.. is it?

You're supposed to be going on 'dates', sorta thing, right? ( You know more is going to happen if your together all wknd).

 

good luck.

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We talked for hours tonight and cuddled and stuff, she wants to go on dates and not be physical for awhile but she does want that in the end. She just had to find herself, being with other people isnt the biggest deal to me cause its trivial in the end of things. Just solidifies things more in my opinion, which may be wrong. But i know her pretty well and she told me where her head is at. We were together for 2 years.

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Bison, you want to try, please do, but a couple words of advice:

 

1) She is still with this other guy, if she wanted to be with you, she would dump this guy immediately. Sounds like she doesnt want to be alone to me and it sounds to me like she's the one who needs to grow up.

 

2) She is dictating the rules of how your relationship is going to proceed, which doesnt put you on very equal footing. Meaning she is still holding the power. Im not suggesting this is about power either, but it's about being 50/50, and right now she's giving you no room. Maybe you did need to grow up and change, and you have your chance, but the way she is acting is 100% self centered.

 

Usually when two people reconcile it's because the dumper has a change of heart and is willing to give up something and make things work, however with her, she has her cake and gets to eat it too. She's basically using you as her cuddle blanket and isnt valuing you as much as you deserve and as a result is treating you that way. If she really wanted to give you a honest try, she would drop all presumptions. And as long as she has these presumptions, she will be watching for the behaviour that proves her judgment right. In other words the deck is stacked against you.

 

I understand your want to move forward and try to make this work, but tread lightly and be wary. She also needs to prove to you that she is worth your time. And the fact that she's currently tramping around town and living with this other deadbeat doesnt give me that impression. Personally I would define your boundaries, and tell her that the way she's treating this other guy isnt fair, and that you dont want to be with someone who is stringing this guy along.

 

I had a girl who did that to me when I was 21, I met her and was head over heels, told her I thought she was amazing, but I had a gf at the time. She pulled the same line on me and I broke up with my other gf (whole other story). Had she not said that I probably would have tried double dating. It only made me like and respect her more when she said that - I felt like a total dirtbag (which I was doing that). I in turn told that to a girl I met who had another bf a few years down the line. I told her I wasnt interested in dating her if she had another guy in her life as it wasnt fair to him. She broke up with him a day later. I dont want to get into the house wrecking morals of that, but at least you're defining what's fair for all parties involved....

 

Good luck!

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thanks everyone for the advice! Im just talking to her alot now about things, she doesnt have much interest in this current guy other then for sexual purposes now and i get that cause she is an EXTREMELY sexual women and doesnt view sex as having to be emotional unless she wants it to be. She wants to get back to being emotional with me before we consider getting physical again. This guy is just a friend and she has some pretty clear rules with him that she doesnt want a relationship. She wants a future with me but wants to go slow to see how things develop. She has the power now for sure and im trying to be there and do the right things. It feels ok, she is choosing to see me every night instead of him now as she is losing interest but doesnt wanna get physical till she feels comfortable, we touched more last night and cuddled and she told me how right it feels.

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Some people have to learn the hard way. You may have mentioned it, but I'm assuming you are very young. She has the power you say? She has more than that, she has your balls in a jar hidden away in a drawer. I suggest you find them, reattach them, and act like a man.

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