Dad hates my boyfriend because 'he is too short and not successful enough'

[Lost in fairytales]

Boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years. Told my dad about him 1 year ago, and he disapproves because boyfriend is too short (he's shorter than 8 out of 10 people), and not earning as much as I do (I earn more than most). Dad thinks his little girl can do much better.

 

Fast forward 1 year, dad still refuses to meet my boyfriend, and refuses to come to the wedding if we are to get married (obviously no blessings from him).

 

Boyfriend is a super nice guy, who I can see myself with in the long haul. I'm 28, boyfriend is 30.

 

I have tried the 'short stature does not impair happiness' argument many times, and it does not work. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Please help!

[lavenderdove]

Well, your Dad is not marrying him, you are.

 

And if your Dad is being a jerk, then his loss if he doesn't want to attend your wedding! You're 28, and it is your choice who to marry, not your Dad's, so you need to just quit indulging your father and go ahead with your plans with your BF and marry him if that is what you want to do. You don't have to have a big wedding paid for by Daddy, and at 28, you should be totally on your own regardless and not letting your father dictate your personal choices.

 

I think once you are actually married your father will pout and stomp around for a while, but what you need to do is just tell him that you are now married, and if he won't accept your husband, then you won't come around anymore for holidays etc. unless your husband is welcome too. He may eventually come around if he realizes his bullying isn't going to work on you, and you won't see him at all if he doesn't stop acting like a jerk and welcome your husband into his home.

 

btw, don't try any more 'logical' arguments about stature or anything else. This isn't about logic, this is about him wanting to control you and your choices. He may very well find something to object to for every BF you try to bring home, and his objection will change each time because it is not based on anythign rational but on the irrational and unhealthy desire to keep you a 'little girl' who lets him make choices for you.

 

So just take back your own power and remind him you're an adult, this is your choice, and if he doesn't like it, then he'll be seeing a lot less of you because you won't let him disrespect your husband over stupid things like how tall he is.

[lerenard]

You are 28, and sound like a pretty mature woman. You don't need your dads approval to marry a guy you love.

I don't think that woman should earn less then her man. Why? That is a very stupid stereotype.

If your father decides that he doesn't want to see his little girl getting happily married - let it be. He will be the one to regret it later, not you.

 

So just take back your own power and remind him you're an adult, this is your choice, and if he doesn't like it, then he'll be seeing a lot less of you because you won't let him disrespect your husband over stupid things like how tall he is. --- THIS! very true.

[peter]

I don`t know but perhaps your dad is right? I know it might sound not nice, but just yesterday I was thinking what I would do if I found myself just in a position of your dad. And you know, love is blind. You might like him now, but perhaps you will like other man also? Maybe your dad know of somebody?

 

I know nobody will like my comment, but this is my sincere reaction. On the position of your dad I would react the same.

 

Best wishes and hopefully you`ll make the best decision.

[Dragunov-21]

Tell him that if you needed someone to support you financially then that might be an issue, but that hi little girl is independent enough to afford herself the luxury of choosing to be with something she loves and is compatible with, rather than a guy she can sponge off until they hate each other.

 

As for the height thing, maybe it's cuz I'm 6'4 but it's a ridiculous non-issue. Yeah, there's some weird stigma associated with being short, but I haven't worked out why the heck that is yet.

 

At the end of the day, you should be able to guilt him over the fact that you're not in it to impress your father, you're in it because your boyfriend makes your life more joyous and treats you the way you deserve. If he'd prioritise financial/physical impressiveness over that, then what the heck sort of father is he being?

 

I don`t know but perhaps your dad is right? I know it might sound not nice, but just yesterday I was thinking what I would do if I found myself just in a position of your dad. And you know, love is blind. You might like him now, but perhaps you will like other man also? Maybe your dad know of somebody?

 

What if? Why would she be any more likely to fall for other men because her husband is short and makes a sufficient-but-lesser amount? I'd hope you'd think more of your future-daughter than to think she'd be so easily fooled by a few dollars and a few inches where it doesn't count.

[Snny]

Maybe it's just me, but I think there is a lot more to the story (probably more than what the OP knows). I have never heard of a parent disapproving their child from marrying because their partner is "too short" and even threatening not to show up at the wedding based on that factor alone. Money might be a concern, but it shouldn't be the only factor.

 

I'm somewhat in the same camp that the OPs father needs to get over it, but feel there some things missing.

[Lost in fairytales]

Hi Peter, thanks for your honest thought.

 

I have thought about breaking up with my boyfriend as my dad suggested, but it means I'll lose someone who makes me happy forever.

 

What if I never find someone who makes me as happy as he does? I don't think I can live a life with a regret like that.

[Dragunov-21]

I have thought about breaking up with my boyfriend as my dad suggested, but it means I may lose someone who makes me happy.

 

Wait, what? Why? Do you, a woman almost in her thirties, live to please the whim of her father, or are you just not that committed to your boyfriend?

 

To phrase it more kindly, what is your Dad doing to make your life so crappy that that's a valid option for you?

 

And I'm kinda wondering if Snny might not have a point...

[Lost in fairytales]

a few dollars and a few inches where it doesn't count.

 

Thanks Dragunov-21 for your beautiful reply.

 

I do love my father, and I do consider his advices. I have imagined different scenarios, and the one where I am no longer with my boyfriend is a very sad one.

 

At the same time, I would like to celebrate festivals and have family gathering with my parents and my future family, so I would like his father-boyfriend problem resolved if possible.

[Dragunov-21]

Not sure if sarcastic or sincere, but thinking about it (flippantly, kinda, but not really if you think it'd work), tell your Dad he's completely hung. Sounds crazy, but then so does worrying about your girl's bf's height. Might be a value-add if you can work it into the above.

[Lost in fairytales]

I tried telling my dad he's unreasonable, but that didn't work.

[Tanzi]

I don`t know but perhaps your dad is right? I know it might sound not nice, but just yesterday I was thinking what I would do if I found myself just in a position of your dad. And you know, love is blind. You might like him now, but perhaps you will like other man also? Maybe your dad know of somebody?

 

I know nobody will like my comment, but this is my sincere reaction. On the position of your dad I would react the same.

 

Best wishes and hopefully you`ll make the best decision.

 

????

 

On what do you base these facts though? She loves him. She is with him and wants to be with him for the same reason that most people get together/stay together/live together and eventually get married whereas her dad is basing his opinion on immature bias so, please, enlighten us as to why her dad is right and she is wrong? Just because he is short!?! Surely not!

 

OP, I'm sorry but your dad is being extremely immature and selfish. If you truly love this guy don't let your dad's bias stand in the way. If he is so strong on what he wants for you then you can be sure that the next guy won't be good enough either. If you are happy (and as long as this guy isn't sitting on his backside all day spongeing off you) then that should be good enough for your dad.

[Snny]

Hi Peter, thanks for your honest thought.

 

I have thought about breaking up with my boyfriend as my dad suggested, but it means I may lose someone who makes me happy.

 

What if I never find someone who makes me as happy as he does? I don't think I can live a life with a regret like that.

I can relate with your situation. My parents did not approve my relationship with my fiancé for a long time because it's interracial. He also does not have my country's citizenship which made my family even more leery. My parents have gone out of their way to get my abusive ex to connect with me (he was sending me gifts while he was serving overseas) and come visit me at their house when he was home. They didn't hold back on their opinion of how they thought my own children with my fiancé will be ugly and hideous because they would be biracial, or that they would never fit in "normal society." They were openly accepting my sisters boyfriend (same race) and their relationship when he had a serious drinking problem and abused her.

 

I stood up against this for several years. It took several long years for them to get over their hard feelings and accept that I take ownership of my own life and decisions as an adult. Unless your parents have an absolute good reason why you shouldn't marry the partner you're with, they need to butt out and learn to deal with it.

[Lost in fairytales]

I stood up against this for several years. It took several long years for them to get over their hard feelings and accept that I take ownership of my own life and decisions as an adult. Unless your parents have an absolute good reason why you shouldn't marry the partner you're with, they need to butt out and learn to deal with it.

 

Hey Snny, I can see how your issue was much bigger than mine, and I am really happy to hear it eventually worked out for you!

 

I know my dad is unreasonable, but the problem is how do I get him to see that he's unreasonable. He's in denial even after 1 year - still trying to set me up with other guys (including guys who he used to object when I was in high school/university).

[Unreasonable]

Your dad's being a douchebag, and you would be enabling him being a douchebag by giving up someone you like to be with him.

 

My son is dating someone that I personally find quite unnattractive. I have not said one word about it to him. She's not my girlfriend, so what business is it of mine? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He's projecting and is worried you will see what he does and end up unhappy. Well, you're not him.

 

If you happen to get married someday, I think he'll come around. Obviously you should not stand for any exclusionary tactics, your boyfriend is invited to all appropriate outings or you won't go. Your dad's gonna miss you, and want to see his grandkids, and if he doesn't he will die a miserable old man alone.

[lavenderdove]

>>I don`t know but perhaps your dad is right?

 

How can the father be right when he hasn't even met the guy ONCE and his objections are that he's short (what does that have to do with character or love or anything at all) and that she makes a bit more money than him (old fashioned sexist twaddle). They're both teachers and very compatible, so it sounds like Daddy may not approve of anybody for his little girl, or only wants a son-in-law that panders to his own ego (tall/handsome/rich) rather than worrying about finding someone who makes his daughter HAPPY.

 

I think the father would have a point if he'd actually met the guy and spent time with him and the BF was a druggie/drinker/unemployed user/abuser/nasty etc., but he knows nothing about the guy other than the 'stats' of him being short and a teacher rather than a highly paid doctor etc. So he's being judgmental and controlling at best, and toxic at worst to behave this way without even meeting the BF.

 

You get him to be reasonable by telling him that bullying you won't work, and you intend to marry your BF whether he likes it or not. He's trying to control you, and if you let him do that you're frankly weak and not ready to be married and independent yet, and need to do some counseling to help you learn how to be an adult and not let your father control you.

[GinNJuice]

I agree with Unreasonable.

 

Call your dad's bluff. Tell him if he wants to be nasty he's going to miss out on your wedding and his grandkids, don't speak to him for a month. Tell him he's going to die alone. He'll break.

 

I think your dad has done this type of controlling thing for a long time and is in your head, but you actually have the power to crush this. Whether or not you marry this guy, your dad needs to know where the line is.

[Tanzi]

Gotta agree with all of this!

[Lonewing]

You don't. You move forward with your boyfriend, living your life as you did before your father ever said anything. If your father can't get over himself, then he'll just have to miss out on, well, everything.

[lady00]

I think you need to accept that your dad is not going to approve of your boyfriend. Unfortunately, not all parents are accepting of their adult children's choices in many areas of life and sometimes, like here, the reasons are just plain silly. Plenty of people get married to people their parents don't like and yes, it is rough because it means not being able to be as close to your family anymore but many people decide that it is worth it because they are in love (especially where the family does not have good reasons for disliking their significant other).