jt1979 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 It has been a while since I have posted. Things have certainly changed for me. I am with a different woman, my ex and I ended last February, attempted to fix it but no-can-do. She and I have moved both on, she is remarried to the guy I figured she would end up with should we split and I moved to Florida, she moved to Texas. We split custody over holidays and summers now. I am with an amazing woman who I love completely and I feel it's right. We fit together perfectly, I've changed my ways and I am definitely not the angry man I once was since being with this woman. Needless to say I feel I have found the "one" for me. Life is good, it's beautiful but I have jealousy problems I am still trying to work out since my ex cheated on me all the time and I am trying not to allow it into this relationship, but I am failing. My woman she's gorgeous, she's sweet, she has many friends and many guy friends. I am not controlling and I would never ask her to stop having friends or stop associating with guys, but I have a hard time trusting this one fella she spends time around. Now I don't think she would cheat on me, but again I am insecure and I still have problems overcoming trust issues and I try not to hold the past against her since it wasn't her past, it was my ex. Do I discuss this jealousy with her? Should I voice my concerns about this fella? It drives me crazy because he is always texting her, calling her, and "needing" her. She says she has known him for years and I am fine with this but I feel like he is very dependent on her and it gets in the way of our alone time. We do a lot of cooking together, well it gets interrupted when this guy calls and he's always I need you, can you come over, or can I come over? He is always texting in the middle of the night saying how he needs her because he's so depressed. I am not against her having friends or being there for friends, but it has gotten to be a problem, I am annoyed and jealous with how much attention she gives him because I feel like he feeds off of it, relies on it, and then he continues with this. Am I wrong to feel ignored? Am I wrong to feel like this is WRONG of him to do? If he needs her as a friend, it's fine, but it's every day. It's every waking moment I feel. I don't like our intimacy being ruined, our time alone being ruined, and I really want this to be a successful relationship. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Tell her that...that you trust her...but that she needs to set boundaries around your time together. He is playing/using their friendship for his neediness. Do not use "jealous". Emphasize that you trust her and love that she is a supportive and kind hearted friend...but HE needs boundaries. No texting in the middle of the night...no inviting himself over. Diplomacy is your friend! Link to comment
savignon Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I agree that this isn't about jealousy or your ex...it's about having boundaries around your relationship. How does she get on with your kids? You only get them twice a year? That must be extremely difficult. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I wouldn't want a partner of mine to have such a needy friend either male or female Have you said anything to her about the amount of time she is giving to this friend's "needs"? Maybe she thinks you are ok with it if you haven't said anything. I think your partner should be much less available to this person. If you guys are cooking dinner tell him she will call him back later, or let the call go to voicemail. She shouldn't be at his beck & call. Link to comment
jt1979 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 She gets along great with the kids. My ex has been awesome about giving me time on their breaks. Normally we would rotate holidays but she gave me over a month in summer, Thanksgiving, gave me a week of their Christmas break and even invited me to her Christmas party to spend time with the kids. My ex and I get along better now that we have moved on than we did before. My current girl is doing great with the kids, they like her a lot, they call to talk to her, and it's such a great thing. It's just difficult because I try not to be jealous or be concerned about these things with guys hitting her up and bothering her and normally I tolerate it because she handles it but this guy I can't even take his cling to my girl. Link to comment
jt1979 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 You could be right. I should tell her, I was afraid to because I didn't want her to think I am controlling. I am not controlling by any means but I feel it's gone way past the point of normal, feel like this guy is just attached. The best part is when he calls, talks to her, and begs her he never asks about me, he never talks to me, he doesn't even acknowledge my existence. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 It is not about controlling or jealousy. It is about boundaries. And I am fairly certain she doesn't find his clinginess/attachment attractive...she is just used to it. You don't get to pick and choose her friends. You do get to ask for respect. Link to comment
jt1979 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 Thank you, I appreciate the input from you all. I will definitely have the discussion with her over this and hopefully get it resolved. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 The best part is when he calls, talks to her, and begs her he never asks about me, he never talks to me, he doesn't even acknowledge my existence. That isn't good. I think this guy has feelings for your girl, that is why he is constantly calling her. Does she think his calling is too much ? How does she react to it? Be careful, she might like the attention if she hasn't put a stop to it Link to comment
jt1979 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 She has made a sigh a few times, she has a very big heart and does a lot for friends but I have noticed she isn't like smiling or excited to receive messages. I feel like she needs a push in the right direction with this guy because all he does is contact her because he has no one else. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Hate to say it, but it is a good sign that she sighs. Hopefully she just needs a little nudge from you. Good luck Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Not a push...a nudge. Great minds think alike Link to comment
jt1979 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 Lol, good point. A nudge will hopefully do the trick! Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Never use a shot gun when a flyswatter will do the trick. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 She is too available to him. He should really gain some 'respect' for her & her life. He relies too heavily on her and way too 'need'y! She needs to be spoken with- yes that'd bother me. The amt of texts should be greatly reduced through the day & week. NO need to be bothering her thru the night, at all- out of respect. I dont care who it is! She needs to understand this and STOP giving in to his every beck n call! Link to comment
Liraele Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Tell her that...that you trust her...but that she needs to set boundaries around your time together. He is playing/using their friendship for his neediness. Do not use "jealous". Emphasize that you trust her and love that she is a supportive and kind hearted friend...but HE needs boundaries. No texting in the middle of the night...no inviting himself over. Diplomacy is your friend! ^^ Super advice. I'm beginning to feel a little bit like a parrot. Or a stalker. Link to comment
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