Having difficulties with my "break" from dating

[radiohead20]

So a few months back, after mounting frustration with the opposite sex from the past years I decided to not invest ANY energy in the opposite sex in terms of romantic intent, whatsoever, until I start making progress in certains areas in my life.

 

A few months in, It has become hard on many levels.

 

In terms of human contact: I do not know many people that are not couples that I enjoy hanging out with that are my age, and I like to be social on the weeekends. Additionally, when I hang out with my long terms friends it is often 90% couples (not exxaggerating) and it is a little awkward.

 

Sexual Frustration/lack of intimacy: I honestly did not think that this would be as big an issue as I thought until I started on to my second and third month. I still am around environments with attractive women and still workout/bodybuild so I catch my eyes and mind wandering more and more. For some reason my sex drive goes up when I weightlift. I can't imagine going 1-2+ years without any form of intimacy or sexual contact. I dont know, maybe you get used to it

 

So basically, in summary, I start to get isolated and lonely along with mounting sexual frustration. I am naturally introverted but seem to need some human contact.

 

Any strategies for coping with this? I was thinking of finding a meet-up for my single people and re-connected with old friends that are not with people and just dealing with the sexual frustration.

 

I have taking breaks from dating before for 2+ years but I was younger and I usually had a social circle to stay involved with and I got some intimacy on occasion just due to place and environment (college).

 

yeah I know, haha, it's only been 3 months for me and I am sure a lot of people here have it A LOT worse, which is part of the reason why posted this here in the first place. maybe I can learn something.

[ThatwasThen]

There are plenty of woman out there that want one night stands and will be happy to never hear from you again after the glow wears off. Whats stopping you from indulging?

 

If you want a companion, then do the work, the nurturing and the attention one needs to form a relationship. You can't have it both ways.

 

You can join sites that are geared towards single men and women that incorporate activities as a group. Perhaps that would satisfy your need to be social while maintaining your singledom. Just don't lead anyone on by making it appear that you want more then a bop but in reality, you are only ready for just that.

 

meetmarketadventures

Is one site that may interest you.

 

link removed

 

Is another.

[JA0371]

It makes sense that your sex drive goes up when you weightlift. Blood is pumping.....lol...Im a woman and it happens to me.

And yes, there are probably women looking to just 'hook up'. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you're upfront about it. O need to torture yourself!

[happpybear]

Maybe your sexual frustration is contributing to you feeling weird when around couples. Perhaps finding a FWB or something will make you feel more chill in general and when out with your coupled friends. Working-out increases testosterone levels, this is why your sex drive increases during and after a workout

[Blue Spiral]

I avoid exercise like the plague; this clearly explains my self-control...

[radiohead20]

you know I am very curious that people keep mentioning "find a FWB". It seems to me that finding women who are fine with a FWB is extremely rare and on top of that I don't have qualities that would make it easy for me to find a FWB. I would definitely not mind it, if I could though.

[Blue Spiral]

you know I am very curious that people keep mentioning "find a FWB". It seems to me that finding women who are fine with a FWB is extremely rare and on top of that I don't have qualities that would make it easy for me to find a FWB. I would definitely not mind it, if I could though.

 

FWBs aren't easy to find, no. But, at the same time, don't be blinded by cognitive dissonance. Look at these two bits of mutually-exclusive "common wisdom" we're constantly told:

 

1. Way too many women are giving up sex too easily, instead of waiting for a relationship first. They're just doing it to have fun and pass the time until they hit "marriage age". They're hurting themselves, and guys aren't being forced to "grow up" or "man up" or whatever the latest code-phrase is. Porn and video games, dogs and cats living together, etc.

 

2. If a man sticks to FWBs/casual dating only, he'll be sabotaging himself, because women will reject him! How ridiculous, expecting a woman to put up with an arrangement like that!

 

The existence of #1 pretty much means that #2 isn't true. Do me a favor: think about the female-posted threads you've seen on ENA, the ones where women say "I'm sleeping with this guy but he isn't committing to me!" or "I slept with this random guy I just met and..." Have you summoned them to the forefront of your memory, now? Good. Unless those women are posting from an alternate reality (always a possibility, but I tend to doubt it), they're right here in our universe, having sex with guys that could be you!

 

I personally try to look at actions, rather than words. Yes, women say that it's unrealistic for men to find FWBs--and, certainly, many will never go for it once they hit a Respectable Age (late 20s or so)--but, despite that, a whole bunch of guys are hooking up with a whole bunch of girls outside of society's "dating" construct. I bet we all know someone (or, more likely, several someones) who had a child with someone that they "weren't quite" in a relationship with. I'm not talking about the early stages of dating, I'm talking about someone we didn't even know they were sleeping with, because they were keeping it on the down-low. I can't tell you how many times I've had women insult me for bringing up the idea of casual sex, only to accidentally get pregnant because of the Random Dude they were banging. Gym instructor, kinda-still-married neighbor, someone in a uniform that'll be gone in a month, etc. My favorite was a woman that seriously moralized me for bringing up the idea, and then got knocked up by her personal trainer, who she'd been sleeping with the whole time (while telling me she was single and leading me on, trying to get me to date her).

 

Remember Back to the Future? Think fourth-dimensionally, Marty! In all likelihood, the woman that's telling you "No casual sex!" has totally given it up for Random Hookups already. They'll talk about how horrible and evil and (non-cursing s-word)-ty other women are, and then turn around and say "But you have to be a sincere good guy or else you'll never get laid!", because they seem to forget that our memories last more than thirty seconds. Oh, a few super-serious/religious types will hold out and never hook up, but I'm convinced that they're the exception. You just need to work on your timing, and find women who are in a "have fun" stage of their life. They can be younger women, post-divorce cougars with something to prove, career women on the hedonistic side, whatever. You have to learn how to catch them in the right part of their life.

[radiohead20]

Well I do agree with you, that many people are hooking up outside of the normal dating construct in the from of casual sex, one night stands etc - I guess I always thought it was much rarer than people say. People on this board and online seem to offer "oh just find a FWB, there are plenty of women out there that would be fine with that" when it comes to wanted a casual relationship, like any guy could just go out there and randomly ask women over the course ofa few months and just find one. My next question is, are these types of realtionship typically reserved for people with certain traits? I say this because I have noticed that women place more emphasis on physical attributes for these kind of relationships, and it almost seems (just based on my experience) that being good looking is a requirement for being able to find a casual relationship, or at least one where there will be mutual sexual chemistry. Being that I am not good looking or the kind of guy that women would lust after for a casual relationship (and I am really trying to change this in any way possible so that when I do enter the dating world things are better), I find it hard for me to be able to find a FWB, unless it is with a girl that I find unnatractive, which you know, I guess I would be ok.

[ThatwasThen]

There are web sites geared to casual hooking up. If you're too shy or lazy to actually do the work then that's your own fault that you're frustrated. Do you actually expect to sit on your couch and have a Eff buddy fall from the sky into your lap?

 

Like all things in life, they are much more appreciated when we've had to work for them.

[Blue Spiral]

Don't sell yourself short--no one should ever be with someone that they find unattractive. (Unless they're asexual, which is a whole 'nother story.)

 

To answer your question, yes, I'm sure that it helps to have certain conventionally-attractive physical traits...but you can get FWBs without them, as well. If I can do it, anyone can. If you're okay-looking and treat women well, certain women in the "have fun" phase will basically jump on you. Most of my FWBs initiated sexytimes and were extremely casual about it. It was almost like, "Well, we're not dating or trying to impress each other, so I can stop pretending I'm a Very Respectable Person, drop the gender roles (in terms of women not being sexually aggressive), and just have fun." The key is to come off as "safe" (i.e., they've likely had bad experiences with men) and yet be casual about doing enjoyable things. My picture should be next to the dictionary definition of the word "harmless", but I made it clear that, if they wanted to hook up, I was available. Because of my attraction-related limitations, I never pulled the truly elite women, but there are plenty of normal, above-average women out there, who are looking to have their physical needs met between relationships.

[radiohead20]

Can you maybe elaborate on some of the experiences you had and how they turned into FWB? I have no problem talking with women and carry myself confidently but I have yet to have an experience where a women overtly hits on me or wants to "jump my bones". its completely foreign to me. Maybe I am missing the signs...

[Blue Spiral]

Can you maybe elaborate on some of the experiences you had and how they turned into FWB? I have no problem talking with women and carry myself confidently but I have yet to have an experience where a women overtly hits on me or wants to "jump my bones". its completely foreign to me. Maybe I am missing the signs...

 

There are indeed some women like that, but most FWB candidates will "merely" be casual about/open to the idea of sex, to the point that they're the ones that bring up the issue.

 

My usual process:

 

1. Meet women online. Ideally, women that are in a fun-having phase of their lives and/or appear to have a low threshold for sexytimes. If they're in a bunch of family pictures, clutching their nieces and nephews like they're little prototype children, they're probably not an ideal candidate. If there are a lot of bar/club pics with their girlfriends, give it a shot. But there are always exceptions...some of my best FWBs were seeming "straight arrows" like myself, who lived double-lives that their families knew nothing about.

 

2. Chat with women online--most people on ENA say that this stage should be short, but I always did it for a few weeks or even a month, first. Develop a non-physical friendship, get to know them, and flirt with them constantly. Also, if they want to show off on cam, more power to them. I can't tell you how many times I'd ask for a pic, expect a regular one, and get a topless selfie instead.

 

3. Hang out with women offline. No dating, just casual hanging out. If you keep the usual relationship culture/expectations away, there's a better chance that things will work out for you.

 

4. Hook up with women. If a woman wants to have sex with you, you'll know because she'll be having sex with you. If she isn't into it, move on, and don't copy the rom-com playbook and try to win her over. When women are truly into a guy (either romantically or sexually), it should only take minimal convincing.

 

Women want us to believe that we have to go through an entire obstacle course to get laid, but there are two types of guys: the guys that they don't really want to sleep with, who have to earn it, and the guys that they do want to sleep with, who don't have to earn it. (Some women are traditional-type holdouts, but that's a diminishing percentage.) Oh, I'll be accused of being a whatever for saying that, but look at who the father is in many of these accidental pregnancies. It isn't some beta male that wooed her for months and finally got rewarded with sex. No, it's a conventionally attractive guy that treats them horribly, or a conventionally attractive guy that they barely know, and yet it didn't stop them from hooking up with them. You just have to get into the right category, and the best way to do that is to find women that actually want to sleep with you, instead of bothering with "romantic"/relationship-minded women that have de-prioritized sex in favor of husband-hunting. Find the type of women that are into you, don't be one of a dozen guys that are trying to impress some monogamy-seeking princess.