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Conflicted


akrngrl

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I met a guy over a month ago who I get along with really well and who really likes me. We've been hanging out a lot (coffee shops, going to his apartment and watching movies, grabbing chinese food, walks, etc). He's asked to kiss me, we cuddle and we enjoy seeing each other.

 

About a week and a half ago he asked if he could take me on a real "date" (a night out at dinner and I think a comedy club). We were both really excited about it (he was going to get an outfit for a Christmas party and wear it on the date too so I bought an inexpensive dress). Being that we've been talking so much I know he works hard to barely make ends meet, but he was extremely genuine about the offer and when I just suggested dinner like most dates I'd been on he said he didn't consider just dinner a date.

 

Things ended up happening and he didn't have the money for the night we were supposed to go out so he asked to do it the next night, which he ended up needing to postpone to this upcoming weekend. Now through talking he's saying he doesn't have the money this weekend and hopefully things straighten out so we can do it next weekend. He still wants to get together with me though and has already asked to spend New Year's together.

 

I feel terrible because on the one hand I know he's going through a hard time, but at the same time I'm wondering if this date was ever going to happen. I'm well aware that there is more to a good guy than if he has the money to take you out, but at the same time I wouldn't be caring if it weren't for him bringing up the "I don't consider dinner and/or a movie a date" bit. If we got dressed nice and went to any sit down restaurant/eatery I would have considered that a date.

 

We are definitely approaching the point of the "what's going on between us?" talk. He's already asked if we were dating a week ago and I said "Well let's go on our date first and see how it is" jokingly. I'm torn between wanting to be my sympathetic self, but friends have also informed me that he should definitely be making that extra effort in the beginning to keep his word and wine and dine me (even if it's just a little).

 

Should I say something/maybe back off from hanging out so often or should I just go with the flow and continue our hangouts? I do like spending time with him and I don't want to seem rude or high maintenance, but sometimes I feel like we're already in a relationship that's fallen into low maintenance habits.

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A couple of things. First if you wanted wining and dining then you sent the wrong message by agreeing to casual hang outs. Second I think it was on him to make sure he had the money to take you on the date he wanted to take you on and put that money aside unless an emergency came up. Third, I am a little surprised you didn't offer to chip in for the date he had planned so that the date could happen. If this happens again tell him that a proper date can be as simple as going on a picnic and that you'd prefer he not plan things that are going to be outside his budget. But if you are looking for wining and dining then given his financial situation he might not be your guy.

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sometimes I feel like we're already in a relationship that's fallen into low maintenance habits.

 

I think this is the key here.

 

Fair enough if he's struggling to make ends meet, and that you're sympathetic to that.

 

But if he's just making excuses to be cheap, to hide his own bad financial decisions, or maybe because he's not actually that serious about you... then yeah, you've got reason to be concerned.

 

My suggestion is to be available... but let him initiate the activities.

 

If he's interested - and just as importantly, if he's got the drive & confidence to make a "first move" - he'll do it.

 

If not, you'll have your answer.

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I agree also with Batya that you can let him know that the amount of money spent isn't a factor for you, and that you'd be happy to help out in that regard. Assuming that's the case, of course.

 

If he's still flaking & cheaping out after that, then yeah you can probably just expect more of the same.

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If you've already been hanging out casually and enjoying each other I don't see where the sudden need on his part to "wine and dine" you come in without being able to back it up. A nice dinner isn't all that expensive and you could offer to chip in. All the excuses would be a turn off. I wonder if he's hiding a more serious money issue or something.

I wouldn't expect much from the "wine and dine" category of a relationship and probably not much from "material gifts for bdays/etc". If you can live with that, keep waiting.

I agree with your friends...you should expect more of the same. If you like the way it is, then more of the same will be a good thing.

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I'm not sure actually haha. His words today were "I don't have the money this weekend to take you out how I want to". Which adds to the effect that I don't think he'd take kindly to me paying for any of this date he wants to go on. I've paid for either my own coffee/tea when we went out or both of ours so it's not like I'm expecting him to pay for everything. Like I mentioned, he insists that "just dinner" isn't a real date. We've been out for dinner once before and if he didn't say anything I would have considered that to be a date.

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@ Savignon I think that's what's got me so thrown for a loop, all the excuses. To me, we were hanging out & we liked each other and it was fine. I know he doesn't have a lot of money and I have even less so I wasn't sitting around wondering when he was really going to take me out. Now though since he's brought up this date that keeps falling through, I feel like I'm getting put off by the excuses and I want to see if he's going to follow through with it. It's almost like "Okay you brought it up and made such a big deal, now either make it happen or own up to the fact that it can't be done." I wouldn't be upset if he was just honest with me and I don't think there was any pressure for him to bring it up at all. We were laying together watching a movie when he sat up and was like "I want to take you on a date, a real date...".

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I can certainly understand where he's having financial problems, but with all these excuses, it seems he's either clueless, or he has more problems that what he's revealing. I would give it a bit more time, yet I would accept the possibility of what you see, is what you get, so to speak.

 

Having said that, it may be a good idea to take a step back and spend less time at his apartment, in order to make it clear that this isn't what you signed up for.

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I think he also made it obvious he doesn't have the income to take you out as much as he would like to. I have gone out with financially-strapped guys and they will tell you they want to do this and that with you but dont hold your breath. Also, I don't think he is making excuses not to take you out because he was honest with you (yes last minute) that he doesnt have the $ any more. I think maybe the guy might not know how to manage $ or he doesn't think far in to it. And if he really likes you, I am sure he's embarrassed he couldn't take you out as he promised.

 

Question is are you going to keep this relationship going? Because if you do, you have to be realistic with your expectations of him... Some people who date financially strapped ppl usually start having second thoughts (like 'emm, when you gonna get ur shyt together?') and it can ruin a relationship. So think far in to it... consider this might be a long-term thing.

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