What is with my ex???

[Juha]

She is 19, has been a semi sheltered well off girl.

 

First thing is we were great friends first, best friends for a year or so. Always there for each other, knew everything about each other. Totally trusted each other. Then it escalated into more. It got more serious than either of us wanted. She escalated it as her feelings grew very strong and she loved me as I did her. I would do anything for this girl. She got scared of her feelings it seemed. She would say that she does not like her strong feelings for me. She does not know what to do with them.

 

She transfers to college two hours away. First time in her life she is on her own, parents kind of ruled her life growing up. First couple of weeks are normal. Were talking and texting then she starts to pull away and just stops contacting and more or less disappears. Answers some of my texts with one or two words. If I talk about her or anything personal she does not answer or says things are great. Stops calling and does not answer my calls. I only called a couple of times and texted 4 or 5 times in those two weeks.

 

She broke up with me in October with no real reasons. Just a bunch of things, tells me she loves me but is not in love with me Also told me that I am very important to her, she wants/needs me in her life forever and wants me as her friend. She then runs off the phone and away from me. I went NC right away.

 

Month later she calls late one night, obviously been drinking. Tells me she has been thinking and that were never getting back together, ever nor does she want a relationship with me. Then tells me she misses me, the guys there are not as good as me and she wants me there right now. lol I go back to NC.

 

I get sick and in hospital, she gets in touch to see how I am. Keep it short and tell her I am good and will be totally fine. I ask her to get together for coffee or go out and do something fun. Tells me she is not sure it's a good idea.

 

Thanksgiving again she gets in touch to see if I am doing ok and wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. I again ask her to get together and she just goes off on me. Saying there is no reason for us to ever spend any time together, she does not love me. Was just seeing if I am ok because she cares about me. We can only get together and do things when we can be friends.

 

Made semi plans to meet Friday to exchange our things. She never got back to me until 2 hours before i suggested to meet and by then I already made other plans with a friend to go out and could not meet. Told her and never heard back form her.

 

Today she is all y about meeting in a text and that she wants her comfy clothes back and just wants my clothes gone from her house. I answer with a time and she never gets back to me until that time. So I tell her I'm not around but will come back to meet (just so I can get this over with, I'm done with it) she tells me it's ok don't come back but tell her when i can meet.

 

I tell her tomorrow @ 2, she responds with I'll try and be available. I respond with I am busy with things I need to do and can't wait around for her to decide if she can meet tomorrow. I tell her that when she is sure of a day and time to let me know.

 

Also she said we don't have to talk when we meet but figured I wanted to.

So can see she does not want to talk at all. Just wants to run away.

 

i said to her she never said anything just ran away from me. SHe told me she did not run away she ended the relationship. LOL

 

Just looking for some insight into how she just did a 180 and seems angry and hates me now.

 

After we meet and exchange our things I am NC.

 

Thoughts on this girl? What is her deal? Problem?

 

Thanks to everyone

[Kendahke]

She's met a new guy.

 

Just drop her things off at her house. She can drop your things off at your house. There is no need for either of you to look in each other's faces for ths. Get your things, be done with it and move on.

[daddids]

I agree with Kendahke, either she has met a new guy or she just plays around.

 

As you said she grew up being restricted by her parents, now she is away from home and can do whatever and whenever she wants to, including meeting and hanging with probably hundreds of people of same age. My own brother had a relationship ended for the same exact reason.

 

Dont try to talk to her when you guys meet, keep it short and simple, give her her things, take yours, and thats that.

[sammi87]

She wants her things back but doesn't want to see you. Why have neither of you ever considered having a friend meet you or her to swap the boxes??

[Juha]

Thanks for answering. I already figured so much being free for the first time in her life and such...

 

I meant why does she act mad, hateful, and cold towards me? Like I was awful to her. I was not...

 

Is she just making things up in her mind to make me look bad to her so it easy for her to pull away and kill all feelings for me?

 

This was a girl who was in love with me and wanted me. I take it that GIGS is at least part of it...

[Juha]

She wants her things back but doesn't want to see you. Why have neither of you ever considered having a friend meet you or her to swap the boxes??

 

I kind of was figuring that but why??? Don't get it at all. She acts mad and hates me for no reason.

 

Why would she not want to see me? I do not get what is wrong with her?

[sammi87]

Two reasons:

 

1. It is ALWAYS difficult to see an ex.

2. You are coming off as if you'd still kinda like to get back together. She doesn't want in-person pressure for a coffee date.

[Edmund Exley]

Sounds to me like she has become annoyed with you. Whether its of your own doing, or not, you need to leave her alone.

 

Don't try to figure it out, don't try to assess what happened, don't try to make excuses like "I know her better than anyone", accept that she wants to be left alone, exchange your things and leave her alone.

[SooSad33]

She's acting out this way because those are normal 'emotions', after a break up. Hot/cold- due to confusion.

When a relation ends, it's normal to go thru many emotions ( anger, sad, confusion, denial, lonliness etc).

This can go on for a while....

 

So just deal with her as you have to, get this deed done and respectfully leave her be.

I suggest No more contact and let HER deal with her choices.

What she's giving you are 'little nothings', (ocasionally telling you she misses you... but)

 

Unless or until she comes back to you admitting she's done wrong and wants to get bk together, accept nothing else.

No contact required.

 

Sorry for your loss... it's not easy.

 

tc

[Kendahke]

Thanks for answering. I already figured so much being free for the first time in her life and such...

 

I meant why does she act mad, hateful, and cold towards me? Like I was awful to her. I was not...

 

Guilt. It's how she's justifying how she's doing what she's done. She's rewritten the script and you're the bad guy now and she's "justified" in being mad, hateful and cold towards you because she feels that way about herself, but doesn't want to face that

 

Is she just making things up in her mind to make me look bad to her so it easy for her to pull away and kill all feelings for me?

 

This was a girl who was in love with me and wanted me. I take it that GIGS is at least part of it...

 

That's exactly what she's doing. She doesn't want to deal with the reality of who she has become, so your role now is to be the bad ex boyfriend that's causing her to act this way.

 

When someone adopts a "take a sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach instead of owning up to their true feelings, then 9 times out of 10--unless you're a creepy stalker, clingy won't-leave-her-alone type of guy--it's because they're running from themselves and can't get far enough away on their own merits.

[Juha]

Guilt. It's how she's justifying how she's doing what she's done. She's rewritten the script and you're the bad guy now and she's "justified" in being mad, hateful and cold towards you because she feels that way about herself, but doesn't want to face that

 

 

 

That's exactly what she's doing. She doesn't want to deal with the reality of who she has become, so your role now is to be the bad ex boyfriend that's causing her to act this way.

 

When someone adopts a "take a sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach instead of owning up to their true feelings, then 9 times out of 10--unless you're a creepy stalker, clingy won't-leave-her-alone type of guy--it's because they're running from themselves and can't get far enough away on their own merits.

 

Well saw her yesterday and asked why she was mad and hated me. told me she did not hate me.

 

When my anxiety was raging because of family members being sick and almost dying and me having to do everything I was a little needy and clingy. I now have my anxiety in control and am my strong self again...

 

interesting she is running from herself like that. She always did have self esteem issues. Problems with feelings and emotions.

 

So she is totally lying about things being great? Still don't get why she is doing what she's doing? I was someone good in her life. Why would she do a total 180 and just throw me out of her life? Makes no sense at all...

[Juha]

So update from yesterday. She had me come to her house. Not going to lie felt a little weird but I was good. I was happy, cheerful, and usual strong self.

 

SO she lets me in and says hi in a totally cold voice and has an emotionless expression on her face. Walks to the kitchen and says she is having soup, do I want some.

I thought and said sure. As she stirs the soup she says that's probably not a good idea. lol We exchange things and say thank you to each other. I washed her pajamas and told her so and I also took care of all her things with the utmost care.

 

I then crack a stupid joke to try and break the ice and it worked. She started smiling and looking at me differently. Said it's probably not a good idea I'm there, I say probably not. She says to me I'll see you around. I'm in my joking wise ass mode and say will you? Maybe. Smirking while I say it. She is still smiling and looking at me.

 

Walks to the stove for her soup and says I wanted to see how I'd feel seeing you. she turns around still smiling at me as she walks over...

Then say wish you were not mad at me and hate me. She told me she does not hate me

 

Then her face goes back to being expressionless and the cold emotionless voice comes back. you probably should be going.

 

I agree. I had asked how school was going and she only said great, that's it.

 

SO I say I knew you would be great when you went there. She was always worried she could not handle it as it is a Ivy school. I always assured her she could

 

Then say I hope you have a great life and wish you nothing but the best. Good Bye.

 

She was looking at me and seemed surprised I just said what I did as she said nothing at all. I turned and walked out.

 

A few minutes later she sends me a text saying. That was weird. I'm sorry. Thank you for bringing my things. Please take care of yourself...

 

So that's that I guess. Will probably not be in each other's life ever again.

 

Don't understand how you know how you feel about someone seeing them for a few minutes.

You need to spend some time together, like 30-60 minutes, talk and interact to see how you feel.

She is just immature emotionally and fvcked up.

[Juha]

Oh, on top of never breaking up properly and with respect. Never talked about anything. Never gave any real reason, just a bunch of things that were skewed and not the truth. Said some mean things and that she did not think about me, miss me, or need me.

Kept saying to me as I tried to talk that I'm not changing her mind. Then ran off the phone.

 

Just ran away and never said a word. Ignored me totally like I never existed.

 

It really is sad that this is how she wants to treat me and how she wants our relationship/friendship to end.

[Kendahke]

Be glad you're done with her mess. She's now out of your way and you can be free to find a girl who really wants to have a true connection with you.

[Juha]

Guilt. It's how she's justifying how she's doing what she's done. She's rewritten the script and you're the bad guy now and she's "justified" in being mad, hateful and cold towards you because she feels that way about herself, but doesn't want to face that

 

 

 

That's exactly what she's doing. She doesn't want to deal with the reality of who she has become, so your role now is to be the bad ex boyfriend that's causing her to act this way.

 

When someone adopts a "take a sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach instead of owning up to their true feelings, then 9 times out of 10--unless you're a creepy stalker, clingy won't-leave-her-alone type of guy--it's because they're running from themselves and can't get far enough away on their own merits.

 

 

Kendahke thank you for your thoughts on her and the situation. She did tell me that it's her and I have nothing to apologize for or explain.

She said she has changed so much. Her life has changed so much since getting to her new school.

 

So what are her true feelings?

What would make her run from herself?

Will she wake up one day and realize how badly she has been to me?

 

thanks again

[firefly2613]

Those things are natural to wonder. But ultimately unimportant.

 

For now it is important to stick with No Contact. It's difficult. It's hell. But it has to be done.

 

You cannot do anything to make her decide what she wants. That must be her.

[Kendahke]

Kendahke thank you for your thoughts on her and the situation. She did tell me that it's her and I have nothing to apologize for or explain.

She said she has changed so much. Her life has changed so much since getting to her new school.

 

So what are her true feelings?

 

Only she knows that.

 

What would make her run from herself?

 

again, only she knows that.

 

Will she wake up one day and realize how badly she has been to me?

 

thanks again

 

 

She may; she may not. Depends upon how much self reflection she is prone to do in the future and how quickly she comes to that epiphany. Meanwhile, you'll be long gone and probably with someone new who will treat you much better and you won't be in the frame of mind to give a good dash-darn what she does.

[Juha]

Be glad you're done with her mess. She's now out of your way and you can be free to find a girl who really wants to have a true connection with you.

 

Could be she is being like this to me because she feels she needs to be cold and awful towards me to make me go away???

 

She did say she could have handled the break up better. All she did was ignore me first, then call and go through a list of things, checks to make sure I am ok and tells me she cares about me. I'm sorry you can't say you care about someone and also treat them like they are trash being thrown onto the street.

 

Never even said a real good bye to me, never said anything to me at all. Just looked at me and said nothing when I said good bye. then sends a text with a couple of things and please take care. That is just so wrong, in so many ways.

 

She is emotionally immature and guess this is the easiest way for her to deal, handle this.

 

I guess what hurts the most is how close we were/are, how exceptionally good together we are, how much we cared for each other, I mean our connection is ridiculous. Have not had one quite like it. We knew each other so well, what we were thinking, etc. lol Now I am garbage tossed aside into the street like I never meant a damn thing to her...

[doicare]

Same thing happened to me. I was convinced it wasnt another guy.... It was. Her behaviour sounds almost identical to what happened to me. You can count on it being another dude, sorry. What she did is cold and callous, and if she so easily dropped you like that, you would never want to be with someone so insincere and heartless, please believe that. She probably cant face you because she's spoiled and doesnt ever have to deal with messes.

 

These women will rip your heart out, I know it first hand. Dont even try to understand it, just find a way to be good with yourself and be happy. I spent a whole year wasting my time over one of my exes, then I found out she had left me for another guy. Never told me, she just disappeared when she went for a summer job out of town. We were living together and 3 months after she disappeared she came to collect her things, that was it... There are some really heartless, self centered people out there, she sounds like she fits the description.

 

I feel for you man, that sucks. Turn and walk away, she doesnt deserve an ounce of your attention anymore, please for your sake never ever respond to her again - you probably dont want to hear this, but she will not change her mind either. These people leave broken relationships in their wake with no remourse. I hope you recover and quickly. Be good.

[Juha]

Well here is an update.

 

First we are still Facebook friends and I thought about blocking her and it does not bother me as I have been moving past the relationship and feeling much much better. I never go on her page, don't care. I did not think she went on my page but I guess that was wrong. I have plenty of females on my page but I guess my friend makes her jealous. She may think were together lol

 

This morning I receive this text from her: "I'm so angry with you and I have no one to talk to about it so it keeps getting worse. Every time I see you and your family and that blond beatch (a very good friend nothing more) all over your facebook like this morning all I can think about is how mad I am. I just want to kill you. I didn't want to be that beatch who unfriends you and I hate yelling at you but I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I don't want to hate you and I don't want to lose you. I just want us to be happy and friendly. Make it better..."

 

Some background info...

Now she does not really know my parents, never had a relationship with them. Not because she did not want to but things were complicated and it was going to happen. She actually was somewhat afraid to meet them and they would not like her. She did not want to meet them when they were sick and having issues. As far as my friend, the blond , she does not live around here. We are just really good friends. Since the break up she has visited my city for work and to see me and some other friends as she used to live here.

 

Guess she is not as happy as she puts out there. Obviously still has feelings for me.

 

I kind of understand but don't. Where is all this anger towards me coming from? She wants to kill me? Does not want to hate me and does not want to lose me? Wants us to be happy and friendly?

She dumped me and in a really crappy way. She got rid of me, told me she did not want me. Guess she can't deal with what she did or that I am doing ok.

 

This is one confused female. Still immature and selfish it seems. Does not get it yet. I really don't think I'm going to answer. She wants me to make her feel better for what she did. At least that is what it seems like by me.

 

Would love to hear thoughts and opinions on this. Kendahke where are you? lol

 

thanks everyone