I'm so devastated. Can't figure out if I'm doing the right thing here.

[justaglimmer]

Ok, so its been a whirlwind of a year in regards to the relationship I started well over a year ago with a guy I’d randomly met and thought he was just the sweetest thing on earth. I’ve got another thread or 2 already on here about past things he’d done to upset me. He was never verbally abusive or outright mean to me in any way, but he was moreso “neglectful” of our relationship and never really made me feel like the relationship (or myself, for that matter) was all that important to him. He never really wanted to do anything fun or special with me, he would only text me and not call even though I’d told him time and time again I’d like for him to call me more often, he would always have me driving to see him, he never made an effort with my family, the sex came to a screeching halt after I started resenting him for all these “little things” that were adding up and affecting me every day. We had our fights about this, he’d cry and ask me to stay, and I stayed for awhile. He started making more of an effort eventually, but its like by the time he started to amp it up a bit, I had lost interest and slowly but surely found myself pulling away. He wanted me to move in with him earlier this year but I didn’t feel like we were in the right place for that at all. I told him he needed to put more effort into this relationship before I ever would feel ready to move in with him - especially because he lives almost 2 hours from my hometown and where I live now. Then, recently, he told me that he began to resent me and started pulling away more and more himself because I wouldn’t move in with him when he first asked. Apparently he assumed that after I graduated college, I would just swiftly move right on in, even though we never really talked about that or made a plan for that. It was just something that was assumed on his part when all he ever did was "hint" at the idea once or twice, never really discussed the idea nor made any solid plan.

 

I told him time and time again he would have to show me something more before I’d ever feel ready to move in, and all this time I just never felt like he cared about me enough. Not by my standards anyway. So I called him on it… To show him just how little I felt he was invested in this, I asked him to tell me my middle name. He couldn’t recall it, and guessed the wrong name. I got so upset that I went into this furious rant about how he was a lazy boyfriend and he was going to have to give me a few days to think about things. He apologized profusely and said that he’d been feeling depressed for awhile, and that he was going to blame his “neglect” on depression and that he thinks he needs help for it. I told him to cut the s*** and call it what it is – being lazy, being not that into me. He decided to give me a few days to think about things, and when we talked again, nothing much had changed. He was still apologizing, but not asking me to stay. He said he had no idea what he could even do to fix it at this point, so I told him that we should just end It now. And so, we did. He just let me go, and here we are. It’s the holiday season and I’m nursing yet another broken heart.

 

So in another bold move, I got back into social networking (something I hadn't been a part of in a long time) in an effort to reach out to old friends and have people to talk to instead of just burying myself in isolation in misery. Some of my old friends reached out to me and we made plans to hang out soon and that made me feel great at the time… But then the bigger picture is that they are all married with kids or pregnant, and I’m once again starting from scratch. This made me unbelievably sad, and I got to thinking that maybe I gave up on my relationship too soon. After all, he wanted me to move in with him, he wants a family of his own… Maybe there’s something more I could have done? These are my thoughts, anyway… deep down I know that he didn’t put very much into this… It was all too little too late… But I have to search really really deep down for these answers and its killing me. All I can see now is that I just broke up with someone who claimed to be ready to move me in and begin a life together. Its only that his words spoke louder than his actions.. His actions never really showed me much. I feel like he stepped it up towards the end but at that point things may have very well been too far gone, because I still wasn’t happy with things or convinced that he’s truly the right one for me.

 

I know this is a very confusing situation, but I’m very heartbroken and confused now. I, myself, have dealt with anxiety and depression for about 2 years now and I finally got on the appropriate treatment plan and medication to deal with all that. But I never once let it affect my relationship, I refused. I can honestly say I wasn’t perfect in this, but I tried. I put forth real effort and tried to allow us plenty opportunities to grow together as a couple. Maybe I could have done more, but I feel like he could have done a LOT more.

 

So here I am, on this site hoping that someone can shed some light on all this. I really need to pull myself together so that I can enjoy my family’s company over the holiday weekend. I desperately need to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing, that I’m going to be OK.

How can I really deal with all this “dumper’s remorse”? Am I honestly doing the right thing? I’m just so sad. I can't picture how I'm going to move on at this point.

 

Thanks for reading and I’m wishing you all out there a very happy holiday season.

[jjkk]

You are doing the right thing. You said "wasn't happy with things or convinced that he's truly the right one for me" and moving in wouldn't have changed that. You know it's the right thing to do and it sucks that it's painful right now. You WILL be OK. Things will get better!!

[Kendahke]

Would you have just been satisfied shacking up with him and having babies out of wedlock? Because moving in together does not mean that natural progression is towards the altar. It means the convenience of being a couple without committing to the obligation of marriage. It sounds like from what you've written that you wanted way more out of him than he was prepared or willing to give you. Is that really the kind of person you want to bind yourself to, legally and emotionally, for the rest of your natural born days?

 

I think you are doing the right thing for you. You need a man who gives a damb about you. You need a man who doesn't make excuses for his laziness. You need a man who won't make you drive 2 hours to see him, who will call you instead of texting or ignoring you, who will come with you to spend time with your family, who wants to do fun things with you, who doesn't treat you like an afterthought. This guy wasn't doing that. He was regressing instead of progressing and you don't need that. It would have been a shame for you to have settled for that and think you were keeping up with your friends.

 

I know it's hard during this time of year to be going it alone (I've done it more years than I care to count), but try to change your perspective if you can. Try to make the focus your nieces, nephews, friend's children--make it a project to see the holidays through their eyes... to take the focus off of what is not working for you right now. Or perhaps look for a church organization that adopts underprivileged children for the season and gets them gifts, if you can afford to do that kind of giving. OR book a trip to warm climate and get away from what may make you feel lousy for your relationship not working out.

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

I don't think you were the dumper here -more like mutual. I know holidays are hard and I know the impression is that married people don't make time for single people but of course you need to take them as individuals. Perhaps some of them know single men to introduce you to? And I agree that moving in isn't a progression unless the couple decides it is (i.e. we're moving in together but plan to be engaged within 6 months).

[iam42]

you did the right thing. your self-esteem would have suffered so greatly if you'd stayed. you deserve someone whom you can adore unreservedly while they adore you and give to the relationship in equal measure. why not?

[justaglimmer]

Just wanted to say thank you all so very much. I really needed some encouragement at a time like this, especially because of the holidays. This is really tough. I miss him in a lot of ways but I know that I should have trusted my gut a long time ago. Still, I'm definitely hurting and its going to take some time. In a way I'm grieving more than just him, because I really loved his dog and also had a nice bond with his parents, they're awesome people. I have no idea where to go from here but I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time. Kendahke, I absolutely love your idea of taking a vacation. I may not be able to do that anytime soon but I can start planning now and hopefully go somewhere awesome in the spring.

 

Funny thing, I was actually asked on a date the day after we split up... I just don't feel in my heart like I'll ever be ready to date someone else anytime soon. I really feel like all hope has been sucked out of me this time. Maybe I'll have a different perspective after a few months.. I'm just so tired of the cycle.

[Kendahke]

No, not anytime soon--you need time to process this out of your heart. But please believe me when I tell you that love can be reborn in your heart with the right man who declares his intentions to you and wants to be with you. I'd been alone for 3 1/2 years since the break up of my relationship (13 years together). I truly never thought I'd feel love or the excitement and attraction of love with a new man, but it has happened to me. Finally. I keep pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming this stuff up. He is amazing and I can't keep from smiling all the time.

 

It will happen. I can't tell you when or with whom, but work on yourself right now. Get whole. Get emotionally healthy and solid. Pursue the things which you love and make your heart burst with life and purpose.