Husband walked out of me with a 3-month old baby :( please help

[rose2summer]

I used to be a very active member of these forums and really felt at home here. I am in quite a difficult situation. My husband walked out on me and our 3-month old baby. 3 days prior to him asking for divorce, he stopped wearing his wedding ring and was incredibly mean and distant. We had known each other for 8 years, lived together for 5 years, and married for 1.5years. I feel very lost and stay up at night trying to figure how to stay afloat. He was the money-maker, making 200k-400k per year, and I made very little. I hired a lawyer to help me through this but have already spent $7k in a retainer that is nearly used up. He is paying me child support and alimony but at a low amount because he lied about his income, assets, etc, and was gifting tons of money before asking for divorce, I should have sensed what was coming. He also tried to cancel my health insurance, changed beneficiaries on life insurance, cancelled my credit cards, and locked me out of joint accounts. We filed for legal separation as we are not eligible for divorce yet (we recently moved), and he is taking joint assets to buy a home today.

 

He was so devoted to me until our baby was born and then I suspect he must have met someone else because I don't see how he could be this cruel so fast, he also didn't show up for our sons delivery and was making these week trips to different states after our son was born His dad was a dead-beat dad too and used to rape his sisters, I guess he took after his dad and walked out when the going got tough and is also fighting me for child support and child custody. The money is really not the issue here, it's the fact I'm heartbroken and I was left to drown. I honestly just don't know if there is light at the end of this tunnel.

[metrogirl]

There is always light at the end of the tunnel. You have a beautiful baby afterall. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine someone being so cruel to just walk away without a care in the world. Hugs.

[Moontiger]

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you except to listen to whatever your lawyer says but also do your own research when you have spare minuet to look into your options. If you have to get gov't assistance. I know its not ideal but it's in place for situations like this.

[laninaperdida]

Planning went into his exit.

A lot of planning.

When do you think it all started?

It sounds like he checked out a long time ago, but the pregnancy was keeping him around.

Now that the baby is born, he can leave you to live your life the way he wants to live his.

Sometimes, we refuse to see what's in front of our faces, but if you *really* look back would his exit seem so fast?

So harsh?

I have a feeling this all started before the baby.

Did he even want a child or was it a surprise?

These little details may help you see that although this is over there were signs.

Coming to terms with these signs can help the recovery process... It won't seem so fresh.

I'm sorry he doesn't want to be with you, but you have a whole new life to live with you & your baby,

Don't let him have so much power... He's not this evil monster.

Personally, he only truly horrible thing I think he did was not be there for the birth.

Cutting you off from his money & preparing to leave you only sucks when the person is in your shoes.

He just sounds like a guy who wasn't happy, wanted out, waited for what he thought was the best time to leave & left.

Try to be positive... You're not going to starve.

It sounds like he's going to pay his alimony so things will get better... Life will go on...

You have a new baby to be with,

[The_Seeker]

One thing for sure, when he wants to be back with you, have the guts to say no. God who knows if he would do this again to you and your child. But do give him his visitation rights to see his daughter.

[SooSad33]

This is really sad for you to be going through- so sorry. Loss hurts.

 

Do you have any social assistance there, since you are such low income ( and something like legal aid- to help with divorce? )

Let the tears roll.. work on your confusion, anger etc. It'll happen.

Main thing to do is take care of YOU and baby. If he wants to act like this- let him go!

 

One step at a time.. look into getting a place smaller, apt? And if you can't afford, can you get some assistance help?

 

Take care.

[CatsMeeoow]

How long has he been "gifting" money???

 

And, there is a HUGE difference between $200k per year and $400k per year. Which is it? Unfortunately its all too common for some women not to know anything about the family finances... unacceptable! If your partner cannot be open about the family books this most likely isn't the partner for you.

 

If he has assets to buy a home and yet "gifting" money have your lawyer insist on a paper trail. Where are your tax documents for the last few years? Pull bank statements for the last few years as well - you say you were frozen out of bank accounts but your attorney can have the court ordered that he provide them.

 

If you truly make so much less money than he does your attorney should be seeking that the court order him to pay your fees.

 

Leave no stone unturned... you and your child deserve no less. I know the epic battle you have before you and it will take all the strength you can muster but you must!!!

 

Hugs

[Lester]

Rose, first let me say… my heart breaks for you! You have a long road ahead of you which will be filled with pain you never before thought could exist.

 

You must brace yourself and prepare to work in a mind haze.

Spending time in denial will make your crucible millions of times worse than it has to be.

 

I'm going to offer some very hard, non-denial action tips to you. The best you can hope for from such advice is to not waste time.

 

Taking such advice will generate many surprises about you and the world around you!

 

 

Helpful hints:

1. From this moment forward… all communications, (computer, this forum, phone calls and questionable friends, whatever), must be done in secret. Buy a new laptop, a new phone and separate plan. You cannot trust this fruit, who fell very near his Father's tree! Again, do not trust him for any reason! Once you get your, "legs", he will spy/probe!

 

2. He has a girlfriend and secret life you don't know about. It's most likely someone you know/met or he talked about… sorry!

Secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" today! (Never let him see this book and forget what you think you know about Tough Love.)

 

3. Do not hide this fiasco from family/friends! Call everybody you know and tell what this low life did. They will want to hold your hand and give you sympathy. Cut them off and tell them this is not why you called. Tell them you are looking for the best attorney in the state and you need/want to call her/him today!

Note - If you only had casual encounters with the Realtor/whatever local attorneys, be warned; there are huge differences between these people! (Think a person who listens, thoroughly knows all the DIVORCE laws in your state, is accessible at almost all times for you, remembers every word said, does most of his own leg work.) Yes, there out there! I have personally been in there amazing presence.

 

4. Once you know you can safely talk to us… keep coming back! Many of the people here have been in your shoes! Do not underestimate these folks!!!

[rmoheban]

It sounds like an awful situation that will probably traumatize you for some time. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is that you are not with a person who could do this to you anymore. If he behaves in this way when you are vulnerable and just had a baby, him leaving could be the best thing that happens to you. In order to deal with this you may want to try to get in touch with a good women advocacy group in your area and a counselor to help you through this difficult time. As you mentioned, he may be playing out issues from his past/father etc. but you are much better off not being married to a man with these heavy issues that don’t sound like they have been worked through. Hopefully, you also have a supportive family and friend network which you can reach out to. Time is always a good healer and you will eventually move on and hopefully in the future find a link removed.

[rose2summer]

Thanks everyone for the amazing advice! I read the books recommended and really appreciate your kindness and love.