HElp!!

[Notsure93]

So my girlfriend and i have been together for about 6 months now and we get along great. We make each other laugh and smile and all the other stupid little things that couples do is going well also. Now, after reading this I am sure that most of your are like okay so what the hell is this guy's problem? Well you see the problem is her past and how it affects our relationship now but, mainly how it will affect our relationship in the future. We have both agreed that we are in it for the long haul and won't keep from each other and we don't. By girlfriend has been with numerous guys before around 15 and i waited to lose my virginity with her ( yes I was/am religious and turned down multiple opportunities with other girls and i messed around i went to all the base except home multiple times) the problem is every time i feel like I am getting over her past she will make a joke about it or make it seem like it was no big deal and she doesn't realize it until after i get mad. We have talked about it briefly and she thoroughly enjoys the sex we have (and constantly asks for more) but her ex bf and her tried every position i can think of I know most people are going to say have a about it and get over it or go sleep around but, I am looking for more of a how do i get over it? I don't want to lose her but i don't know if i can have a long term relationship with someone that has such a promiscuous past. Please give me any sort of encouragement or advice and you don't have to be nice about it just be honest, I would really appreciate it thank you.

[lady00]

This is a fairly common dilemma on ENA. This is a tough one because you can't unknow what you know and from her perspective she has done nothing wrong. I won't judge either of your views but I think that in order to move forward she probably has to stop joking about it and you have to let it go. I don't know the "how" of this because I don't think much about what a guy I am seeing has done in the past and I don't ask a lot of questions about the past. So it's hard for me to say how to do it other than if you set your mind to it you can achieve it. You both need to take steps toward getting past it and respect each other's views but not dwell on them.

[alli]

You are not the first one to post about this topic here. For one thing, her past is none of your business. It has nothing to do with you and it is not your place to judge her decisions, especially those made before you were in the picture. Second, if you don't think you can live with it you better make up your mind now. There is no reason to date someone for x number of years, then decide that you just can't live with something that you have known about them nearly the entire time. Either get in the boat or get out. Third, it is common knowledge that you don't talk about your past sex life with your current partner. Why she felt the need to tell you all of the positions she did it in with her ex is beyond me. She just needs to stop bringing it up. Perhaps she is doing it to show off or pull a twinge of jealousy from you. In any case, you need to tell her you don't want to hear about it. If she wants to talk about all the sex she had in the past she needs to save it for her girlfriends.

[Notsure93]

i appreciate it and we get a long very well, the only real problems we have are directly related to her past which she is not understanding of at all. She gave me 2 options break up with her or move on and im trying to move on because i care about her and she has extremely strong feelings for me i just over think things and i don't like picturing my girlfriend having numerous drunk one night stands.

[Notsure93]

Your right in the sense of the past is in the past but, it seems like every time i start to get over it she will kind of make a sexual joke that directly ties to that. I realize that if i can't get over it we have to break up it's just a scenario where i already know so much about her and she trusts me 100% i just don't know what to do if i break up with her i lose her which i don't want but if i can't find a specific way to get over it i will drive myself insane.

[alli]

So, she makes sexual jokes? Or she makes sexual jokes that relate specifically to people she has had sex with or specific sexual encounters she has had?

 

You should also know that as time goes on and you get older your potential mates will be older as well. As that happens you will find it harder and harder to find a partner who has never had sex or has only had a limited amount of sexual contact that you find acceptable. You may have to either adjust your expectations or accept the possibility that you will never find a partner that meets your near-celibacy standards.

[Notsure93]

she will just make jokes about one night stands or her friends will come over and they will laugh at the fact that her bestfriend just got it in last night they just talk more like guys than girls. It's not that i expect close to perfection i just expect you to do what you say so if you want me to put your past in the past then stop bringing it up when I am around is the way i see it.

[lady00]

Is she joking or speaking about her own experiences or just with friends about theirs or just making general jokes?

[Notsure93]

joking like just making stupid sexual remarks that like indirectly reference her past, and when she is with her friends they all kind of laugh and act like it was cool that they had a one night stand. Plus they have a "community condoms bowl" in the bathroom as well as multiple posters about safe sex that just make me uncomfortable.

[alli]

edit: Sooo... she is sort of making jokes about her past, but mostly making general jokes?

[Notsure93]

yes but they are jokes like oh im glad me and u werent a one night stand, or just referencing meaningless sex in general. so i guess sort of both?

[Lambert]

Couple of my thoughts:

 

- how will you feel if you end it? Don't you think it would be sad and you'd miss her. Because you don't want to be all dramatic breaking up when you know you don't want to. If you are only doing it so she will chase you or for her reaction to boost your confidence, it won't work.

 

- how are you supposed to get over it if she keeps bringing it up. As a person with no other partners, it's probably hard for you to accept that sex does not equal love. Just because you had sex with someone does not mean you always love them or that you still want to have sex with them or that you even loved them the time(s) you did sleep with them. I think this is the hardest thing when two people don't have similar pasts.

 

- just because she slept with 15 guys, that doesn't mean she is promiscuous. For many people, once you lose your virginity, you might still make a partner wait until you decide to be monogamous. But I think everyone can understand sometimes you just need that human contact. It's a need. I have probably slept with 15 guys and I have never had a one night stand. I am not promiscuous at all. My current bf, I thought started as a one night stand but 5 months later we are still together. We like each other.

 

- you mentioned you are religious. Have you tried talking to your clergy person? Maybe they can help you accept your girl for who she is, not some image that you thought you'd be with. You opted to wait and she didn't. Does that make you lame or a poor lover? NO! But it doesn't make her a big either. In today's age, sex is was looser than it has ever been. Not everyone views it the same.

 

So you gotta find a way to accept this and stop being so judgy. A good person is hard to find! Don't make up dumb issues or problems. Believe me problems come all on their own.

[lady00]

Ok I think you need to pick your battles. Maybe she should not hang out with her friends around you so she doesn't feel like she needs to censor herself and maybe you can let the posters ane condom bowl thing go. What is wrong with encouraging people to have safer sex? It's not like encouraging someone to cheat.

[alli]

I don't know, the jokes sound pretty general and harmless to me. Bottom like is ask her to stop making jokes that directly reference her previous sexual encounters. Other than that, I think it would be a bit much for you to expect her to stop making jokes about it at all. She is entitled to be her own person, joke about her friend staying out all night and have a community condom bowl in the bathroom if she wants to. She is who she is and if you don't like it your time will be better spent finding a partner who already has feelings similar to your own, rather than trying to mold her into what you want her to be. You've only been together 6 months anyway.

[Notsure93]

correct which instantly triggers her past for me and we have talked about this and she agreed not to do it yet she still does it, just not quite as often but still pretty frequently, or she will make a reference like ohh ya i really like that condom stuff like that.

[lady00]

Bottom line is if she feels like she can't speak relatively freely she will get frustrated at some point. If she is faithful and good to you maybe you should accept this as something you view as a flaw that is not necessarily a flaw in everyone's mind. You will never find a perfect partner so decide if her flaws are something you can accept.

[alli]

or she will make a reference like ohh ya i really like that condom stuff like that.

 

Would you feel less uncomfortable with this comment if you knew she was referring to an encounter between you and her rather than her and another guy? Because if you actually stay together I doubt she will continue to reference the sex she had years ago when she has had much more recent and frequent encounters with you.

[Notsure93]

Yes but it was about a product i had not used with her before.

[Notsure93]

I understand and your right no i would be very upset if i ended things ( she would be crushed) but, yes i would be upset as well. She did have one night stands though and she has said sex means little to nothing to her which is a hard concept to grasp for me. I haven't talking to a religious person about this yet it's not her past that i can't get over it's the way she tells me to get over it or end it with her instead of understanding that sex means something to me.

[Notsure93]

I just don't see how it's fair for her to deman that i get over her past right away and then not be understanding when I tell her it doesn't bother me I am good and then she decides to make jokes about meaningless sex ( which she agrees not to do).

[alli]

Well it sounds like you just have very different views on sex. You aren't going to change her opinion and she isn't going to change yours. Why not agree to disagree and ask her to save the sex jokes for when she is with her friends?

 

If she can't help but make jokes in front of you about encounters that were obviously involving a man who was not you, I would think she is doing it to show off or make you jealous and I would question whether or not I wanted to stay with someone with that maturity level.

 

Relationships are all about compromise. You will have so many more bigger issues than this down the road if you stay together. You talk about your problems together and it typically works best if you think of a couple options that seem pretty fair to both sides. Presenting a problem and not offering a solution will get you nowhere. So try expressing your concerns to her again and propose a solution that will make you happy that is also fair to her. This is only an issue because you guys are making it one. It is definitely possible for two people to be in a relationship with a large discrepancy in sexual experience and to not experience conflict over it.

[Notsure93]

i apreciate all your help and i will put it into consideratipn

[shellyf62]

I used to date a guy that had limited sex partners where as I had more than him and was a lot more open & honest about sex & jokes etc than he was.

I never discussed my past experiences with him (I never discuss this with anyone new), but whenever I would make a sex joke, or say something a little risqué he would get very upset & angry with me. I think he was from the old school where ladies didn't swear or have sexual urges.

It got to the point where I just felt so stifled by him. I had to rethink anything I was going to say just in case it had any connotation to sex.

I ended up breaking up with him, because we just had differing views, and these would never change.

Maybe you need to decide whether you love her enough to accept this is all a part of her or if it isn't something you are willing to accept.

[Capricorn3]

She gave me 2 options break up with her or move on

i just over think things and i don't like picturing my girlfriend having numerous drunk one night stands.

I think this is your only answer. You either have to come to terms with the fact that she has a past (as does everybody), or you end it and move on with your life. As long as you can't accept it, keep harping on about it, keep over thinking it all the time, then your relationship is doomed. It will NOT work. Either agree to disagree and let it go once and for all, or move on.

[Ms Darcy]

I just don't see how it's fair for her to deman that i get over her past right away and then not be understanding when I tell her it doesn't bother me I am good and then she decides to make jokes about meaningless sex ( which she agrees not to do).

 

I think you two should end it because it sounds like you aren't compatible. The sex isn't the main issue here. It is the attitude towards it and you are a more conversative person than she. You can't change her.