joebroz Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Here's the story. I've told my girlfriend several times that I'm super happy when, on special occasions, she straightens her hair, wears a dress + makeup and becomes one of the super high maintenance girls. I told her that two months ago but nothing has changed in terms of how she looks when we go to restaurants or there's something to celebrate. Don't get me wrong, she's 5'8, fit, has been working out for years, and I do find her beautiful but jeans + T-shirt is getting old. It makes me feel that she doesn't care enough to make herself look as good as she can for me. On the other hand, if she goes to a party... she spends 3 hours at the mirror, and I quote "so she looks good in front of others". Over the last 2 months there have been 5 occasions where I've dressed as if I'm going to a wedding just to hint it at her. She compliments me a lot and appreciates it, but... didn't seem to understand what I wanted to tell her with my appearance. So, yesterday - halloween, I asked her again why she dressed so casually for the evening. I got upset and also told her that I feel as if she doesn't care enough to do this for me, but she always does it when she goes to a party(about once a month). Her explanation was that she doesn't find halloween to be a special occasion. I got really upset and told her that she's too stuck with everyday life to have a special occasion WITH ME. Why does nothing with me ever seem like a special occasion to her? She left the car and went home. So, now, she's extremely upset with me and I'm looking for advice on how to make it right. Thanks. P.S. We've been dating for 8 months, she's 20, I'm 21. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragunov-21 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Steak and blowjob. Always makes me feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lerenard Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 If you had no idea - women (mostly) dress up for other women, not for you guys) So its fine she dresses up when she goes out clubbing with her girls. Its what girls do. On the other hand I can understand how you feel less special for her when she refuses to wow you time to time. Does she wear cute/nice lingerie for you at least? For her as a woman it should feel nice to notice how her BF eats her up with his eyes. Getting too comfortable around you guy and always wearing sweats and stretched tees = romance killer. Take her somewhere fancy enough, where she will be not allowed to enter in jeans)))) Or take her dress-shopping, I think she wont refuse that) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joebroz Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 ...take her dress-shopping, I think she wont refuse that I believe taking her dress shopping will be a direct insult to her. "Oh, so because you don't like how I dress, you are taking me dress-shopping? How cute... -_-. I dare you tell me one more time that you don't like how I dress, motherf*****." Getting too comfortable around your guy and always wearing sweats and stretched tees = romance killer. Exactly. And we are about to move in together, so she's definitely really comfortable with me. I wish she'd do the things she used to do right when we started dating. Damn, was she high maintenance back then... I guess what I should do next is never wear anything special anymore - maybe after a while she'll really get the hint.. I tried convincing her to dress better the "good way" but what I got was the silent treatment for a day... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lubblobba Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 If you're really comfortable with each other and get on well she will let her guard down around you and not feel the need to "dress up" for you because she knows you think she is beautiful. From experience, I am far more worried about what everyone else thinks about how I look than my own boyfriend. I don't really dress up for him, though we never do anything worthy of dressing up for. She probably feels secure around you though I get how that you may feel hurt by that. You could ask her if she wanted to go on the type of date with you that is worth dressing up for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joebroz Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 You could ask her if she wanted to go on the type of date with you that is worth dressing up for? Isn't Halloween exactly that type of date? Rhetorical question - of course it is. She simply doesn't want to do it. She claims it takes her a lot of time and also finds no point in it (when she's with me. If she's with someone else - totally different story). It's sad and I don't know how to deal with it. I want her to be comfortable around me and feel happy, and also know that I find her naturally beautiful. But if she knows that (which she does), dressing up nicely for me a couple of times per month suddenly becomes an unnecessary/forbidden thing. It seems like this is a dead-end issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Do you get a hundred percent dolled up for every moment with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandy86 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 You have tried confronting her and that is not working for you. Perhaps its time to take a different approach. If you think she is naturally beautiful, then tell her. If you think she has amazing eyes, tell her. If you love her, tell her. What woman doesn't like compliments? It may encourage her to make more of an effort because you are making her feel like a million bucks (really wondeful about herself). It won't happen straight away but perhaps over time she may change. Persistence is the key. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joebroz Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 You have tried confronting her and that is not working for you. Perhaps its time to take a different approach. If you think she is naturally beautiful, then tell her. If you think she has amazing eyes, tell her. If you love her, tell her. What woman doesn't like compliments? It may encourage her to make more of an effort because you are making her feel like a million bucks (really wondeful about herself). It won't happen straight away but perhaps over time she may change. Persistence is the key. Been there, done that - for months. Not working. What it did was make her comfortable, secure and in love. Because of that she doesn't want to make an effort to doll up anymore. Do you get a hundred percent dolled up for every moment with her? No, and I never expected that from her either, because it's unrealistic in the long run. But every week when we go to a restaurant, or when there's a special occasion, I always give me absolute best and I think this type of effort makes the other person feel real good. She always notices when I make an extra effort to look my best, and gives me a lot of compliments. Even after confronting her, she doesn't seem to realize that things go the other way around too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 So what exactly about this girl do you like? You don't like the way she dresses, you think you're smarter than her, you think she has no ambition... Will she ever be good enough for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joebroz Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 The only issue I have with her right now is the way she dresses. Other than that, I am perfectly satisfied with her qualities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lerenard Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I meant dress-shopping that you do for a present, not because she has nothing to wear or you don't like what she wears. But if you think her reaction would be that severe - you guys have bigger problems in relationship than her not dressing up on occasions. What Lubblobba said is true. Ask her next time to at least undress in some special way for you))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 So these things are no longer a problem? I am an overachiever - successful manager, highly ambitious to become a millionaire before I hit 30 (It's definitely happening) and my girlfriend is just an ordinary country girl that used to party a lot and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age. She is not ambitious and she has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life. . I am a very honest person and I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me. So she quit drinking, quit seeing her friends, apologized when you told her she wasn't very intellectual and promised to try to get smarter, and now she doesn't dress well enough for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joebroz Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 No, she has changed more than I'd hoped. She really has become all I'd ever wanted, except for that annoying dressing problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendahke Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 My dear, you want a woman who takes more pride in how she looks when she goes out with you. She wants a guy who doesn't care if she's in sack cloth and ashes when she goes out with him. You two are coming at this from fundamentally opposing viewpoints. Either you get used to her looking like a frump when she's with you and only dressing up when it means she's got to do some kind of fashion magazine battle with other women or you find a woman who has no problem dressing up and looking good because that's who she is. Because that's what this is about: who she is---and you don't accept who she is. If you did, there would be absolutely no thought in your mind that she needed to change and what she wore when wouldn't phase you. It does phase you: it does bother you that she's isn't enough for you in more way than her appearance and what you're telling her each time you point out some place where she's falling short in your estimation is that you reject her. Her intelligence, her ambitiousness and her direction in life would not be a point strong enough for you to bring up if you weren't rejecting her. The first thing you need to do is to quit lying to yourself about how unfit you view her for your lofty estimation of your own self. If you want a woman who straightens her hair, wears a dress and makeup and becomes super high maintenance, is highly ambitious, has a solid direction for her life and is smarter than you, then you need to find a woman who doesn't have to be asked to do all that. Being told constantly that you're not good enough is hammering nails into the coffin containing your relationship. The way you make it right is to accept her as she is or leave her alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joebroz Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 If you want a woman who straightens her hair, wears a dress and makeup and becomes super high maintenance, then you need to find a woman who doesn't have to be asked to do all that. That makes a lot of sense. So it is a dead-end problem. Thanks for the feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Istilllovehim Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I'm one of those girls..heels,makeup, dresses, both my exs complained about it. One couldn't keep up and the other understandably got frustrated that I was always doing my makeup, but after I got sick and didn't want to dress up until I reached my weight prior to getting ill..he got mad that I didn't dress up for him and I didn't really take it personally. I actually thought it was cute he was fine with me being into fashion and clothes as much as I am. But I did get hurt a little that he didn't understand I had just gotten better from spending a year of being sick and was still getting back into the groove of things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I think she should dress appropriately for the occasion. If she wants to go to a fancy place then jeans/t-shirt are not going to fly. How's her hygiene? That's what i would be focused on. If she smells good and is clean shouldn't that be enough of a turn-on? And yes when my husband and I were dating I did like to dress nicely for him and for me. When we go out now, I do dress nicely, every single time. But we had a baby -now a small child- and there is no way I'm wearing clothes that could get ruined or shoes that I can't run around in. He's never complained. He compliments me when I walk around wearing my yoga pants and t-shirts (and yes I keep clean and yes I am slim and in good shape). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joebroz Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 Her hygiene is spot on and it has always been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emberness Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 I like to get 'dressed up' but it takes a lot of time and while I look great and my boyfriend appreciates it when I do, he lets me relax my appearance because we are comfortable with each other. He does get jealous sometimes and thinks I am dressing up for guys, but I dress up to feel good about myself. I would imagine if my boyfriend nagged me to look like a model every day I wouldn't feel good about myself. I would feel ugly. I think if you just say you are sorry and don't nag her about it again she will want to dress up for you. Right now she probably resents it a bit. Another idea is to make her feel special. Take her on a special date every once in awhile. If she feels special, she will look special. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendahke Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 That makes a lot of sense. So it is a dead-end problem. Thanks for the feedback. don't forget I also wrote in that sentence: is highly ambitious, has a solid direction for her life and is smarter than you, because that's a part of the problem, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandy86 Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 It seems like you are going to have to accept that is the way she is. You can only say so much and you definitely can't force her to dress the way you want her to dress. It is hard to hear but what other choice do you have? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 No, she has changed more than I'd hoped. She really has become all I'd ever wanted, except for that annoying dressing problem. I find this hypocritical. I think because she's changed before, you feel sort of entitled to her changing to make you happy. I also feel like I would not date someone who wanted me to dress up AND gets upset when I don't. I would say Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figur Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 OP, it really sounds like you're trying to morph your girlfriend into the type of woman you want to be with. That's not how it works (well, that's not how it works in a healthy relationship.) She obviously resents how you feel about her. If she isn't the type of girl who wants to dress up in situations other than the club, that's probably how she's going to be in the long run, period. You insinuating you want her to be "like a high maintenance girl" when she isn't is insulting to her. Would be a similar situation with a girl that does want to wear make up and dress up a lot. If her boyfriend told her he would want her to wear outdoorsy clothes more often, and that just isn't her natural persuasion, she would be offended and hurt. My boyfriend likes that I generally dress comfy. He likes my normal. And when I do want to dress up, he's delighted at the change and effort for the occasion. But he doesn't expect it. And my dressing up is still very my style. I don't feel like I'm altering my self-presentation to fit what I think a man's ideals would be. My boyfriend just likes my effort and style. And vice versa. It's simple. But an ex of mine would try to paste his desires onto me. He wanted to take me clothes shopping (which I reluctantly agreed to) and he got angry at everything I chose. Because it wasn't about me getting a dress I would like on his dime...it was about him changing my appearance to fit his ideas of a woman. It hurt and was degrading, and I ultimately ended up resenting him for it. Basically, you really need to figure out if she is the type of woman you actually want to be with, or if regardless of her great qualities, she actually does not fit the bill. There are many great people in the world, but it doesn't mean you would want to be in a relationship with all of them. You have to figure out who you genuinely mesh with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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