Delacrank's Self Control Journal

[junebug123]

So

 

I remember know what i wanted to talk about last night which i was feeling too anxious to talk about before.

 

It was some fight about some stupid clothes being put on a toy which was started by my sister yesterday. She had confronted me about why clothes were put on some little car toy which is actually trash brought home by her boyfriend. He likes to collect things from work and then store them in our basement which happens to be where everyone does laundry. Anyways, so she opens my door and starts confronting me about the entire situation about why they were left there and so on and so forth. I explained to her that i wasn't available to talk about the matter and that we would have a discussion about it as a family, yet she wasn't satisfied with this answer and proceeds to get into an argument with me about it.

 

Following this argument her boyfriend losing it like he always does in these situations and then tries to enter my room forcing the handle off the door. Afterwards we had a family meeting about the entire situation, where more name calling ensued and childish behaviors took place. Writing about it now makes me realize how immature the entire situation was and how i should just drop it instead of making matters worse. However, i do feel that if things keep escalating like this it will only be a matter of time before her boyfriend and i get into a physical altercation.

 

The strange thing is that i really can't blame him for getting upset and trying to stop the havoc which happens between my sister and I, it is only that she is starting these problems in the first place. Why a 31 year old felon is living in our house and trying to start fights with me is another issue entirely, i suppose my parents are fed up with the whole situation entirely and they (my sister, her boyfriend and their child) have been living here for over a year now. The whole purpose of them living here was to buy and fix up this house which still is in the process of being fixed. Tensions are really high almost all the time and everyone is stepping on each others toes all the time. This whole situation has made me realize how much of an emotional mess my sister is, I really feel that i have more to learn about how to handle these situations and how to handle people in general.

 

My friend took me out to a bar several nights ago to see this reggae show. We had a lot of fun, drinking and dancing, etc. The weird thing is that we went out there with an ex girlfriend of one of my other friends, she invited him there and so i warned him just to be-careful that it wasn't a date or anything. On the ride there (we rode bikes), we were talking about this theory i came up with about relationships and how many of the interactions were based on an exchange of gifts (goods or services). I am not sure, where i got this idea, maybe i will remember another time, but this prompted him to start talking to me about Marx (the communist i suppose), we spoke about Nietzsche as well, and then i realized how much reading i will need to do in order to grow and to learn.

 

Sometimes when we become caught in certain activities or behaviors, we start losing or missing out on other behaviors or activities which could actually be more beneficial for us. I feel as though this is the case with handball and my computer activities, i have been missing out on a lot of important social events and looking for work. Earlier i wrote about the bike mechanic training, however i was mistaken as they had called me up for what appears to be an orientation for workforce 1, something which i have attended years earlier and have no interest in going back there. I find that many govn't programs in this capitalist country are of the worst kind, where workers are not very knowledge and services are of the lowest sort, it is really true in this country where you literally have to pay to receive any standard of living.

[junebug123]

Back to my old ways, boy how i missed those days

 

Having that big episode triggered something inside of me, to start getting passionate about the things i love all over again. I am not sure why these things get me serious but it did, now more than ever i started to become serious about programming again.

 

After 5 months i fixed my old linux computer which was having trouble logging in, it kept taking me to back to the login screen so i had to log on a guest account in order to even gain access to the desktop. Trying to fix a command based operating system when your knowledge of the commands is a very difficult thing to do, even with forums there is no way to know what is wrong if, you don't know how to access files/folders without the use of the GUI interface. Somehow, i was able to get it to work and now i am finally able finishing downloading the adobe master collection after such a long time.

 

Also, i have been doing a lot of research on what it takes to build a good software resume and hope to build my website portfolio with much of my work i accomplished in school, after i finish downloaing the adobe. I have a book on HTML and CCS so that should make things a lot easier, also i have built a website before using both dreamweaver and text based editor using PHP.

 

The good thing about this all is that i have been playing a lot more handball recently and working out more as well. I finally feel like myself again because, after getting fired i went through a semi serious depression. Yet, now i feel healed and i am ready to start working again and taking myself seriously. The one thing which i have made the most improvement on is working my hamstrings and my glutts, i have been doing this exercising to rehab my knee after so many injuries it feels good to finally put the problem to rest. Unfortunately my shoulder is still weak and i have pain while doing push-ups, i wonder if that pain will ever go away.

[junebug123]

Playing LOL again, the cycle continues

 

So, i went to the gym today, it was great. I worked out my legs and surprising it wasn't that bad at all. For some reason it is the one area which i need to work out the most and it has been the man reason my legs are so weak. You know sometimes when you listen to people who give you advice, people like doctors and teachers and stuff, someone who you think is educated. Well, you learn something important, and sometimes you learn something unimportant or just untrue.

 

Two years ago when i had overuse injuries from being a bike messenger, this supposed doctor gave me advice about what exercises to do what which ones not to do. Well my problem had to do with weak glutts which could only be strengthened through doing squats, yet he advised me against doing them so my knees remained weak through and through.

 

I am so tired right now. An hour ago i took a 10 mg pill of melatonin because of my sleeping problems.

[junebug123]

It is raining today so i decided to stay home

 

Instead of applying to this job as a bike messenger i decided to stay home and play LOL. Sometimes i make the dumbest decisions, its Monday and yet here i am at home two months since i quit my job. Every now and then i have a small break through but then its one step forward two steps back. The good news is that classes have started again and now i can focus more on school and learning which is one thing i enjoy.

 

I realize that playing league will probably get me no where in life, as of right now i don't even understand why i am playing it again. 2 semesters ago i messed up a lot of classes because i was so addicted to the game, it has messed up my sleep patterns, i probably would have went to the city to search for work today if it weren't for the game. So, why am i playing it again? I don't know, half the things i do, i don't know why i do them, enjoyment maybe?

 

One thing is that league does keep me happy to some degree where other things do not bring the same sort of enjoyment; also i have spent a lot of money going out to bars and drinking, which also wasn't smart so now i have to play computer games to have fun period. I know i made a lot of mistakes since i got quit, i feel like the only way not to make mistakes is to man up and deal with stress. Ultimately it comes down to making life choices.

 

Okay, so its ten o'clock i woke up at around 7 am today, been having a great day so far. Going to do laundry clean up my room and then head to the gym afterwards. Or maybe i will go bike riding around park slope and look for work in some bike shops, i am not sure. One thing is for certain, the sleeping pill really helped me, i feel energized today.

 

I love how music and art can express thoughts and feelings in a way that words can't. Sometimes i feel as though words are so two dimensional in their ability to express thoughts. Sometimes we put too much faith into words, and our faith in false words has a way of betraying us, the way i feel betrayed about those squat exercises.

[junebug123]

Woke up at 1:30 pm Feeling Depressed all over again

 

I know I have to stop playing league its messing up my brain, last night i took a sleeping pill again but still stayed up late. This whole situation is getting out of hand where i get really excited to play the game, but i can't play everyday because the situation with the latency on my computer is really bad.

 

Maybe i will go to Starbucks or something, i don't know anymore. I have to make a decision to stop and i feel as though i am not making any progress. On a side note my progress at the gym is going good, I have been pretty consistent in work out and i am making small strides to getting in better shape. My brain feels very scattered today, maybe i will play handball or something, hopefully people will be at the park.

 

Or maybe no handball, its 13 degrees outside, . Boy, i am not having a good day already, everything fvcking sucks right now. I need to be able to something which will make me happy something which doesn't include playing this stupid game which lags every minute on the hour. Anxiety monkey on my back right now, maybe i'll keep writing until it goes away. Have to keep writing in short sentences because thoughts are racing constantly in short bursts, almost like i get distracted every time i complete one train of thought.

 

This is definitely not one of my better journal entries, also this ping is fcking stupid. GOd, i just want to play so bad right now.

[junebug123]

I started this earlier but then somehow i must have deleted the entry by closing this tab

 

I had planned on going to starbucks today but even that plan seems to be failing as it is getting late in the day and cold as well. Maybe i will starbucks today and hit the gym afterwards, going to the gym has done wonders for my mind more so then my body. Going to the gym has been a nice way to interact with people and an interesting way to release stress.

 

I know i am under a lot of pressure to find a job soon, i feel as though i am not making the necessary effort but once i obtain a job, i will be able to hold it for at least a year. The problems arise when i start getting depressed, this seems to be my life long down fall. Overcoming a life long of depression, i think there is no cure to this.

 

I feel as though i have to the power to do great if i know where my feelings are coming from and how to channel them properly. The main issue is when i cannot channel my feelings and fall into these downward spirals.

[junebug123]

When you feel like you are in a hole which is too deep to climb out of

 

This is probably the time in which things will start to turn in your favor. I have noticed that my depressions are always like this, 90 percent of the time my depression always stems from 2 things.

 

A. lack of money.

B. Social problems with people.

 

You see if i have money then most likely i will have to deal with people, if i don't have money then i am too broke to deal with them, so hence it is not a problem; but then again i will remain lonely and sex deprived.

 

To be honest, the only reason i am even writing in this journal right now is because i had a great work out in the gym. Also, this girl who is always checking me out decided to start a conversation with me today. She isn't of much interest to me because she is a little of weight and just plain looking in general, yet when she started to talk to me i automatically became interested in her. Funny how this always happens to me, i think another persons attraction to you is what makes that person more attractive in general (not sure about the laws of attraction?).

 

Either way, there are about 3 or 4 girls who look at me a lot in this gym, some are more obvious then others about it, personally i think they look at all the cute guys. None of them are really the type i would go for except for this younger girl who is really fit, but then again i wouldn't bother approaching her at all because most of the guys at the gym are basically on her P-word like 24/7. I don't go for those types because i can't take them seriously, who goes to the gym wearing makeup? Like she is hot, but at the end of the day it just screams self esteem issues. Also, the young girl is Dominican like me, she is less obvious about looking at me then the others, but i do catch her eye grilling me from time to time.

 

Sometimes i realize i have low self esteem because i am surprised that women even look at me at all. I think most men have low self esteem, yet i feel as thought i have some small advantages over other guys due to my genetics. For one i have light blue eyes, and dark hair yet, i am Spanish, so that makes me sort of unique; Similar to the way a Spanish person would be unique with red hair (how that isn't something you see often). Also, i am tall which many women like and i try to keep in good form, yet i feel as though i am skinner then most men, which is something i am trying to change.

 

My work out went good as well. While I am struggling with chest exercises due to my shoulder injury, i am making more progress then i had previously (finding the weights easier to lift). Also, i feel more comfortable at the gym and more comfortable with the people there. It feels nice to have another home away from home besides the handball courts of course. I feel like come this Monday i must take looking for work seriously, also i need to take my studies seriously as well. I just took a sleeping pill because, yersterday i stayed up for 2 days straight and today i woke up at around 4:30 in the afternoon!

 

Well, i'm going to play a game and then hopefully try to sleep. I need to stop playing this game but it is so much fun . . .

[junebug123]

Filling in the Void

 

Recently i had a real heart to heart with my mom about a lot of the problems i have been having in the house. We spoke about some of the issues i had with her husband (my step-dad), and she basically explained to me that his behavior shouldn't be taken as personal. He just has issues which stem from how his father raised him. Realizing this made me feel like his behavior towards me shouldn't be taken that seriously, and that he didn't have a personal vendetta against me, just issues which he had to deal with on his own.

 

I sometimes feel like everytime i have a problem with someone, I seem to internalize the conflict and exacerbate the problem. I will stress so much about conflicts and hold grudges instead of just brushing them off and moving on. Similar to the way a boxer will handle a punch, he can either let it land and take the full force of it head on, or avoid it and let it bounce off him like a bubble.

 

Another thing my mom told me in our heart to heart: was that the only person who could love me the best is myself. Depending on other people to love you makes you resent them in the end. You feel cheated when that person doesn't favor you or love you in the manner which you expect, eventually you end up feeling lost and confused not knowing why you put your hopes in this individual. I started to realize that i was making up for love which i wasn't receiving from others by playing video games a lot. This made me feel really lonely and unhappy.

 

Recently, i uninstalled both hearthstone and league of legends. As a result, i have been feeling a lot happier and motivated to become more progressive by: doing homework and looking for work. One of the main reasons i stopped playing is because i exhausted my money, playing video games and being broke is a low which i don't think i could resort to. It is just really depressing, at least working or school can keep you occupied and allow you to feel some sort of accomplishment.

 

In fact, you feel better about yourself when you do progressive activities like: going to the gym, doing homework, playing sports, and working. While, other activities like: watching TV, playing video games, drinking beer and staying up late, will only serve to make you feel worse. Temporary these activities may allow people to escape reality, but afterwards when you realize that you are just: wasting time, not learning, nor building relationships, losing money and missing out on the world outside. Eventually you become depressed.

 

My new challenge is learning how to fill in time gaps. Filling in the void, basically, consists of finding ways to use your time productively, not avoiding time wasting endeavors. When you avoid things, you tend to focus on them even more, i think this is why overcoming addiction can be so difficult. People tend to avoid bad habits rather than focus on new proactive and productive habits. The likely hood of them picking up old habits, while being bored while avoiding them is: more likely to occur; than a person who spends their time doing new and productive things.

 

Ex1: Person smokes cigarettes. Stops smoking cigarettes but still feels stress, and now feels more stress plus addiction.

 

Ex2: Person smokes cigarettes. Replaces smoking cigarettes with mediation and reading zen philosophies (spirituality).

 

In the first example the person who smokes cigarettes has nothing to fill their void with, while in the second example the person can focus on something else which helps distract them from smoking cigarettes.

[junebug123]

Spin to Win, A game of Endless Decisions

 

So, tomorrow is my birthday, since uninstalling both games i have been doing better in some situations and worse in others. Uninstalling the games made me realize two things about myself, for one: I am bored all the time and have too much time and energy on my hands, two: i have problems making decisions. Everyday, i am troubled with making tough decisions: should i go out and look for work, should i stay home and focus on programming, should i do homework, should i go to the gym, eventually i just stay home and watch videos or TV.

 

I decided, why not handle one issue at a time, this morning i woke up late as usual and thought to myself, "the only way to solve this problem is to buy an alarm clock." So, the issue of waking up can easily be addressed, but how about my other issues with deciding to do homework and studying programming, when i have no will or desire to do these things. Maybe, i can create a wheel with an arrow in the middle, separating the wheel into multiple sections, one for programming, one for homework, one for reading, one for working out and one for handball. If i left it up to the fate of a spinning wheel, making decisions would become very simple. As long i had a routine to stick to, then maybe i could learn to make these decisions on my own one day without having to depend on the wheel.

 

Another solution to my problem was blocking websites which wasted time spent on the computer. My sister explained to me that she blocks websites during the time she should be studying for finals and stuff. Maybe if i had no wasteful outlets like youtube and twitch.tv, then maybe i would be forced to program. This reminds me of the time i lost internet connectivity for like a day or two, at first i fought my need to go out and use other resources to get online, but eventually i conceded to just programming to preoccupy my time.

 

There is a part of me which really wants to grow, get out of this funk and move on with my life. Then there is a part of me who is scared of the future, scared of success, scared of working hard, scared of stress and scared of life. I think, maybe this wheel will help me overcome these fears which have become so real in my mind. I know they are just irrational fears, yet they have become so powerful that regardless of how irrational they may seem to others, they are very real and powerful in my world. There is a part of me which knows where these fears come from, and even a part of me which knows how to overcome them. Yet, i think i am not ready to part ways with that part of me, to give up on my childish imagination and crawl out of the bubble of safety.

[junebug123]

Filling in all the hours . . . Recently, i created an okcupid account inspired by my friends success with online dating. It was a disaster. I got no messages, no replies, few people visited my page. I realize there were things i could have done to make my profile better but in reality, it wasn't that serious. Why bother, the male to female ratio on many of these online situations is favored towards the women. Its like having a room full of men and sticking in two or three women in there, paradise right? Wrong, its a fvcking sausage fest is what it is, where women create profiles and wait for the messages to start pouring in while men are desperately and patiently waiting for replies from anyone or anything. I have had it with okcupid, i am also going to be putting that site on my leech block list, starting now. There, it's blocked, no more low self esteem, no more being at the mercy of ugly women.

 

I have managed to uninstall every game except for online chess, blocked all of my most wasteful websites and now it seems that the computer is no longer appealing to me. Honestly, i feel as though i have broken the addiction and freed myself from all the depression and misery of online addiction. However, i feel like i have too much time on my hands. Hopefully, i will find productive ways to use my time, my next enemy is the TV. It seems that now that i don't spend time on the computer as much but, the television has become the new enemy. Surprising how it has taken me an entire year to do some simple things, yet in the grand scheme, i am coming out of years (13 yrs) of online addiction. Well, i am a little drunk today and don't feel like writing. My new problem is blocking everything from my other machine, i don't know if i am ready for that. Today, will be the last day before i block all the websites from my Linux machine as well, but for now i will settle for eating ice cream and watching twitch.tv one last time.

[junebug123]

Changes made recently

 

Added leech block to my linux machine, purchased an alarm clock (it's very loud woke me up today, on time actually), actively looking for work.

[junebug123]

Update

 

Turns out that leech block or not, when i am drinking it is even harder for me to abstain from watching videos online. My new rule is no drinking when alone in front of the computer regardless of stress, it actually just keeps me up and makes me want to do stupid things as well. The other night i had this dire need to want to play lol so badly, i don't even know how i resisted the urge but somehow i did.

 

In spite of a lot of the progress i have made, and it has been substantial, i am still not making much progress towards my programming goals, i feel more inspired to go to the gym rather than to program. I have been making some small improvements though. Finding out new and creative ways to deploy websites and working on my Linux commands, posting in the forums when i have troubles, ideally i want to get very comfortable using linux and programming using linux.

 

Work is in the back of my mind, but i am going to try to do anything i can to not get another job bike messaging because i want to move away from that and get into healthier occupations, which are nicer on my knees.

[junebug123]

Wow, I have been neglecting you journal. I think its because lately i have been happy but recently i am depressed again. Every time there isn't changes happening in my life depression follows. Recently, i dated 2 girls (one of which i sleep with), got a job and graduated college. I think this is all i will write for now until i am really inspired to write.

[junebug123]

So, i took today off from work because my knee was really bothering me. I think i figured out the secret to staying motivated and getting energy to want to be productive.

 

I think the secret is women. Somehow those females give men the necessary motivation to do great things. Other men are motivated by other factors. I wish I could find other things which motivated as much. Since i started working as a messenger again i have been emotionally and physically drained every single day and i haven't been looking for any real jobs.

 

I applied to this one job for bike share citi bikes which pays a little more than my current job, and they called me back. I sort of had a lot of opportunities to find work being a bartender or security guard but after i found the job as a messenger i kind of didn't follow up on those other opportunities.

 

Also, i received a substantial tax return which i will use to get my license, maybe i will become a taxi driver or something, not sure. This one girl which i met a while ago seems to know what it takes to make it in the real world and she has her priorities in check. I wonder what drives her to work so hard, maybe she isn't working that hard, maybe its all a facade for staying away from me, not sure. I think i have matured a lot more when it comes to relationships, I have been approaching women more and establishing dates. Furthermore, i don't get all anxious and stir crazy staring at my phone all the time and i am kind of able to focus on my own thing on top of seeing these girls.

 

I think that is where all the craziness was before with relationships. Not having a life and obsessing about another person too much, it brings you down a lot and makes people want to stay away from you. Of course you need some of that in your life in order to establish new friends and bring people into your life.

[junebug123]

I got an interview for this bike share job tomorrow. I hope it goes really well, i am really excited about it. Also, i decided to not worry so much about girls and I think that i can make myself happy by just fulfilling my goals and staying true to myself. I realize that i got to this point by working hard on my body, my self esteem and my education, everything that came along for the ride was just extra; no need to devote myself to extra because there will always be more of that in the future.

[junebug123]

Yesterday, was not the best day for me. I spent 80 dollars at the bar and somehow i only calculated that i spent 60, either way i was really upset about how small my check was and this got me feeling extremely anxious. I tried to call some friends in an effort to calm down yet no one came out. 4 drinks later i was feeling a little better, yet 6 drinks later got me feeling drunk. I should have just left the bar at this point but i was feeling extremely lonely. I don't know why but i started hitting on this less than attractive women.

 

It was really her friend who i was into and it seems as though this friend had into some weird problems with another man earlier. I don't think i would have gotten any play from her and whats more is that she called me a creeper for looking at her at the first bar. Here is where things got crazy, i spent 30 dollars buying them drinks as well as myself. Yet by this point i was already so tired and drunk that i couldn't drink them, and the hot friend was drunk too, i noticed this and offered her water. I was sort of putting some moves on her friend but she had to take her friend home. Weird because her hot friend was sort of blocking me and wouldn't leave us alone and then finally dragged her friend home.

 

All in all it felt good to be able to buy them drinks and i think that wasn't the problem. The problem was that i get paid so little at my job. Recently, i went for this interview at the citi bikes and i feel as though it went well. The guy told me he would let me know next week whether or not i would get the job. Yet, the job doesn't start until april 20th. Which means i have to keep bike messaging.

 

To be honest, i don't know why i got so mad about my check, it wasn't that bad (actually it was), but its better than nothing. I think the other problem is the dispatching, its horrible; this guy has me going up and down all day long and it is exhausting as well. I need to find another job and I need to focus on my career rather than wasting my time doing this bike messaging thing.

[junebug123]

Its Monday today, i am sitting in a Starbucks and seriously contemplating whether or not to quit this job at Dutch Express as a bike messenger.

 

There are several reasons for me wanting to quit.

 

Number 1, I am making 60 dollars a day and spending 15 of those 60 on food and transportation.

 

Number 2, the work is brutal and i am hurting my knees everyday doing it.

 

Number 3, I am exhausted every single day and worried about injuring myself by going to the gym or playing handball after work.

 

Number 4, I haven't spent any real time looking for internships or jobs related to my degree because of the stress of working full time at this company.

 

Alternatives: I work part time until i find something better, I try to become a walker (not sure about this), I find another job as a bike messenger for another company (which can either be worse or better).

 

Today, i took off because i was feeling sick and to make matters worse I am also having issues at home. It seems as though I was right all along about my happiness, because it seems as though my expectations went up once i reached a certain level of happiness. Yet, being unable to constantly fulfill the demands of your own expectations can be very detrimental to feeling self fulfilled.

 

Solutions. I can either keep working as a messenger and hope that when my physical strength gets better, that the job will become easier. I can find another job which doesn't consist of messenger work but then i run the risk of other issues which can become more or less serious (like social problems at work, feeling bored, feeling depressed and loathing my job). Realistically, I am just having the doldrums which come with every job after the honey moon period. The real problem is that i am working for peanuts and every messenger job i have ever had has been for peanuts.

 

Once you hit 28 and are rapidly approaching 30, you just don't want to kill yourself for peanuts anymore. I really don't know how these older messengers are doing it either? Maybe they have just become satisfied with that way of life and, they are willing to accept that they will never be able to find work which either pays more or that they enjoy more than messenger work.

 

I know one of my friends who is a messenger is going crazy because every time he finds a job working on a bicycle he quits within 2 weeks because they don't pay enough. I tried to tell a mutual bike friend of ours that he will never be happy because messengers don't make real money and that he has to just accept it.

[junebug123]

So, i'm depressed again. Everyday i am spending 4 - 5 hours playing league of legends during the day, and then in the afternoon i'm playing handball for another 2 - 3 hours. While, all this is going on i really should be focusing on programming but i find myself on the computer every single day. Not sure why i am doing this to myself, and i know how i can pull myself out of this depression, but i think the problem is lack of motivation. I really need something which is going to keep me going on the straight and narrow.

[junebug123]

Good news, i just got a job at NYC Citi bike share program starting at 14.50 an hour. IT is a seasonal job until November but i am really excited about it. I have been applying to a few programming jobs and internships but they really expect someone with more experience than what i have.

[junebug123]

Started programming more again, i have actually been feeling better since i started, not sure why i haven't been going to the gym and programming more i think i need to stop playing this game. The only thing the game does is make me feel depressed and isolates me from everyone.

[junebug123]

It's currently 7:58 am. Many things have changed in my life since my last entry. For one, its a new year. Something else, i am in a relationship with this girl who i have been dating for about 3 months now, also the NYC citi bikeshare job offered me a full time position with benefits and has since unionized. However, there is a reason why i keep coming back here to write. I am depressed, inspite of all my achievements.

 

I noticed that i am usually happy when things are constantly changing in my life. Once things become stable for any period of time, i quickly become bored and start to feel helpless to change my life for the better or worse. The reality is that i will usually make changes for the worst, those changes are usually easier to make. I think i stopped writing in here because I thought that my life was going well and that i no longer needed to write in this journal.

 

It seems that once you stop doing something that is helping you, you start to fall back into regression.

 

The good news, is that i have been going to some form of consoling which has really helped me grow and learn. Since, going to co-consoling i have read 3 self help books and started working out as well as cut video games out of my life. The video game addiction was something that was really preventing me from moving forward in life, and even though i still have urges, i know how to resist those and exercise self control. At least more so now, then in the past.

 

The other good news is that i have a stable job, although, i want to start looking for another one. I pattern i see with people now a days, is that they get stuck in jobs which they do not like and end up spending years in a miserable situation. I feel like this current job isn't challenging me and i don't find it intellectually stimulating. Yet, when i first applied i wanted it more then ever and was sad that it would be ending in Novemember.

 

 

I am not sure what exactly prompted me to start up this journal again. I think recently i had an experience which made me fear for my well being and this is probably the reason. I worry sometimes that i make rash decisions without realizing why. Many times the reason i make decisions is to fulfill some sort of feeling which i desire.

 

Another addition, for the most part i have conquered my anger. Anger used to be a thing which controlled me to a point where, i found it difficult to get through the day without getting angry at someone or something. The anger also makes me do things which i normally wouldn't even consider.

Road rage for example: a situation where a driver becomes so upset that he yells and curses at a stranger.

 

One of the books i read helped me conquer my anger. It is called 'Change your thinking, change your life'.

 

Well, i wrote enough for the morning, hopefully i will be able to continue to write in this journal and will be motivated to stay on task with my goals and my dreams.

[junebug123]

5:50 pm.

 

Today, I am suppose to do laundry, go to the gym, program and read. I will start by doing laundry then i will work on the other three, oh and make dinner. I will write in this when i come back to see how it went.

 

I have been very exhausted after work the past few days because: I have been drinking coffee and doing a lot of running around. tomorrow, I will go back into the field instead of working in the office. My new supervisor is younger and inexperienced, I don't think any of the bike checkers respect him much. He is very re-active and doesn't seem to care much for our welfare or well being in this job. Instead he just doles out orders which are asked from management reguardless of how practical or important those orders may be.

 

It's funny because, I intially applied for this position and I wonder how I would be acting if I were in his position.

[junebug123]

12:22 am.

 

I did really bad today as well as yersterday. I spent most of my time playing video games. This all started up again when i installed hearthstone on my mac book. I really have a problem.

 

My lady called me today and i ended up going to see her and somehow i ended up getting high and drunk. I don't think she is a good influence on me. I wanted to do laundry and clean my room and while seeing her was fun and relaxing, i wasn't able to do much with my day in my high stupor. I am anxious and can barely write right now as it is. I just need to sleep this off. Hopefully, i will write more tomorrow. It just sucks when you think you have an addiction conquered and it keeps coming back to bite you over and over again.

[junebug123]

Okay, so inspite of me going on my mac book and playing 2 games of heathstone today, I decided to move the program to trash, again. I've been talking about my video game addiction in co-consoling and it helps. Lately, i realize that a lot of thoughts related to: addiction, love and bad habits are simply thoughts. You don't have to make decisions based on thoughts, even strong ones which tend to constantly cycle through your psyche. The more you practice abstaining from these thoughts, the less control they have over you.

 

'I am not sure what happened to the spell checker option on this website but, it is really annoying to constantly type things into the search feature in order to have words spellchecked.'

 

Another thought which crossed my mind recently is how we tend to value things which, we cannot obtain, more so than those things which are accessiable.

 

For example: a person will try to obtain the love of someone who has already denied them and spend quite some energy in the hopes of acquiring their affections, rather than to move on to searching for someone worthy of their time. This happens with jobs, friends, hobbies, etc. We spend so much time dwelling on trying to change the past then to accept the present and start to try to enjoy the future.

 

It must be familiarity, the bane of man's existence. Once things become a pattern of some form, breaking the habit seems unfathomable. This seems due to the fear of change or rather the fear of the unknown. IT seems that we constantly struggle to preserve what we have, even if it isn't to our benefit. In the long run we are actually spending more time, energy and resources in maintaining poor conntections to jobs, relationships and activites; However, if we cultivate new: jobs, relationships and activites then there is a possibility for more happiness and productivity in our lifes. The work we put forward into obtaining these new connections will eventually be paid back with interest.

 

College for example, it is a large investment and we end up paying loans for years to come. Yet, this experience enables us to obtain jobs which pay more, eventually saving us money in the future. The same goes with relationships, you can grow attracted and become attached to someone who drains your time, energy and resources or, you can invest your time in searching for a new parnter. The time spent searching for this partner will have been well spent, even if it takes years, wouldn't a life of love and nuturing be more rewarding then a life of dissatisfaction and disappointment?

 

Something I learned from my own experiences: from bike messenging to working for citi bike, from dating people who didn't appericate me to those who did, from spending time with friends who didn't help me get anywhere in life, to spending time on myself: writing, reading, exercising and working. From video games to programming.

 

 

I feel good about this entry, hopefully I will try to write more in the future.

[itsallgrand]

Great insight in that entry! Thanks for the reminders too. I think you really nailed it with that post. On the kind of thinking that can keep us stuck, and the kind that can help us grow.

I hope you do keep writing - I enjoyed reading it.