Delacrank's Self Control Journal

[junebug123]

I understand now. Handball after work, is just in general a total energy drain. I never realized it before. After handball, i am so fatigued that my mind just wanders. Somehow, my mental energy and my physically energy are linked. It's like those guys who work 10 - 12 hour shifts, they get home and they just want to drink a beer and watch a football game. Well, that's how i feel after playing handball.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me today, i have been letting too many people upset me. In general, i have had a bad day today. I am having problems at work, problems at home and now i feel like i am having problems with homework. I need to exercise because i have too much pent up energy and i cannot do any homework feeling like this. Why is it, that once i take a small break from work, getting back to it feels like a chore.

 

Self control its like this weight. Once you become good at restraining yourself from a behavior you have self control, and you can exercise it with ease. Yet, once you give in even an inch, it's like the weight increases ten fold and lifting it can require a great deal of mental focus and perseverance. It's like you go to a party and you tell yourself you only going to have 2 drinks, but after those 2 drinks you start to feel good, and everyone around you is drinking, and you think to yourself maybe another drink isn't that bad, you think to yourself when was the last time i even went out and had a drink, you think: i deserve this drink, i work hard, i need to get this monkey off my back.

 

That is the feeling, when self control becomes this weight, and sometimes that feeling gets the better of ourselves. We betray ourselves, we life to ourselves, we break promises we made to ourselves, we let ourselves down and the end result is shame. I shame myself constantly. I need to stop shaming myself and start acting like a man, it's this child inside me who keeps me going, but the man i want to be is the image which keeps me in check.

[junebug123]

It's happening. All over again. My depression, it is coming back to me in droves. I don't understand how it got so bad so quickly. There were many different triggers.

 

The first trigger was me not wanting to go to my sisters wedding in vegas, then there were problems at work, coupled with my mom's problems at her job which led to her fighting with me, also my step-dad being under a lot of stress which he took out on me, finally today on the handball court i was so stressed that everything was bothering me even though i normally wouldn't mind about the arguing and the fighting and stuff.

 

The one place i felt safe got violated after one too many fights over minor issues, it's like i cannot deal with people and their small inadequacies, everyone is juvenile and acting out of line constantly. Maybe, i am like the Japanese who expects people not to show their emotions, i don't know. My stress levels were so high that i literally sat outside of my house for about 40 minutes in an effort to calm down.

 

Then i took a shower and shaved my body which usually helps me calm down but this time it didn't. I tried to play chess but lost every game, every single game, my rating on FICS dropped by about 150 points. Right, now all i can think about is drinking beer but because my hours have been cut so much, money is tight and i am trying to conserve. I know the problem, the problem is this job, its fvcking me over right now. I need to find another job but it's hard because i don't know where to start and i need to focus on my studies.

 

Why is money always a fvcking problem. You see, this journal is suppose to be about self control, but when i get into these moods i am liable to drink, masturbate and play computer games until 6 in the morning. I know the other problem which is very clear. My lack of structure, when things get tough i have nothing to fall back on. No real plans set in place to keep me happy. I will spend money unnecessary in an effort to become happy, yet the happiness never comes and the money disappears so rapidly.

 

I want to write something nice, but when i am feeling this way, its impossible. On a side note, i gave this girl my number today. Her name is M****** and she works at a grocery store near the handball courts where i play.

[junebug123]

I can't do it anymore. I have no plan for tonight and last night i stayed up until 4 in the morning watching youtube videos. I have no idea how to control myself, i feel lost and confused, i told myself well, maybe i can go out to a bar tonight, or hey why don't i go to the gym, but the truth is i don't want to spend money and my body is tired from playing handball.

 

Maybe, i should just force myself to go to the gym, or force myself to do homework. I was watching these videos about how to get over a crush, well they need to make a video for how to get over computer addiction because its fvcking hard. I mean, i feel like i did everything in my power to avoid being on the computer but there are just too many hours in a day to keep me busy. Like, i had nothing to do today, i spent my whole day playing handball and then i just showered, and shaved, and even i picked my unibrow and cleaned up my eyebrows with a tweezer.

 

10:30 pm, what to do, what to do. Things i could do right now, read a book, work out, do homework. SEE, this is my problem, i don't feel like doing any of that stuff, how do i fvcking motivate myself to do it! GOD, WHY IS THIS SO HARD RIGHT NOW!

[junebug123]

Okay, reset everything. I have indulged myself in enough videos and i am going to try again to go 1 week without any computer activity with the exception of school, monitoring my bank and reading emails, and also checking the weather. I realize that i was expecting everything to go too well on my first attempt and that's why i only made it 4 days. I didn't have a back up plan for what to do when i became bored.

 

Now, i know better, my new back up plan is to read books. Recently, i watched "Enders Game" with my mom, it was a series of books which i read more than a decade ago, my mom remembered and she took me to see it. We talked about a couple of things, my sisters wedding and school stuff, and work. This time with her made me feel a lot better, and significantly decreased my stress levels. I know that i can overcome my addiction if i just keep working at it. As with everything, it's not something that is going to go away over night and similar to drugs it is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

 

I think what people don't realize about addiction, is that once your brain becomes exposed to a certain feeling or thought process, it is very hard to unlearn this feeling or thought process. In fact, we never unlearn it, it lies dormant in our memory bank, until something triggers it. It is like Television, in a third world country where kids play soccer and other outdoor games, they have no urge to watch TV. However, you take a kid from the states, you put him/her there and all of a sudden they cannot do anything, they are miserable because they have no access to television or computer. Their brain doesn't realize that these devices are not necessary in order to survive, it only knows whatever the person has taught it.

 

Some people teach their brains the dumbest things too, like how to crave material objects, how to enjoy bulling, how to cheat, steal and lie. These behaviors like everything in life are not necessary for surviving (maybe in a dystopia), yet we learn these things because we are bored. People don't even realize that being bored, and anxiety are necessary in order for us to survive.

 

Are brain teaches us that we need to go out hunting, and gathering, or in modern times working and shopping. Without motivation to do so, we became complacent and eventually we could just die laying in our beds because laying down sleeping is such an easy thing to do. Yet, our body becomes anxious if we sit down for too long, so as a method of survival our brain produces chemicals which enable us to leave the bed and work in order to gather resources necessary for survival. Of course, if a person had everything they need in order to survive, or depended on others for surviving (like children), then they would have to create other means of activity in order to use this abundance of energy. Welcome to the 21th Century.

[junebug123]

Okay, maybe i will have to start on Monday because like an idiot i am cramming again. Why is this so hard. I just finished taking 2 quizzes and writing 2 discussions, i am mentally fatigued. I have no strategy for dealing with this fatigue. Also, i almost got into a fight today on the handball courts with this kid because he was being really annoying, like shouting everytime my opponent scored a point on me and i was really upset. I told him, "If it happens again, its a problem", then he like went crazy and starting shouting at me and throwing a fit and stuff. I mean when your wrong, your wrong and i'm going to call you out on it.

 

I try to avoid drama but some people have no boundaries, i asked the kid once to be quiet and he just kept on and on. Like dude, you don't listen to words maybe you listen to fists or something because that's how upset he got me . . . Anyways, i want to forget about the incident all together but its still buried in my subconscious. So yeah, that's also bothering me and making hard for me to complete these assignments. Maybe i will take a small break and come back to this work or just leave it for tomorrow. Either way, i need to find some way to address this fatigue i get. My anxiety just builds up after a while and it becomes impossible to work, i know i must have wrote about this before, but it seems i never came up with a solution for the problem.

[junebug123]

I ended up working out a little bit before going to bed. Also, i made it a habit to wake up early today. What inspired me was reading this article by Forbes about 5 practices which CEO's regularly indulge in, one of them happen to be waking up early, another one was planning their day out. If they plan their day out, there is less thinking involved about what to do next, this never occurred to me; rather than just spontaneously deciding to play handball or go to the gym, or do homework having a set course and sticking to it will actually regulate the amount of thinking you do.

 

I suppose i have to start letting my thoughts rule my world and not my emotions, i have gotten into the habit of being an emotional creature to much. For some reason, i couldn't ignore that kid on the handball courts the other day, it was like i allowed him to have power over me by getting so upset, why did he bother me so much. I want to learn how to not let people have power over me, how to not let their actions dictate my behavior. Part of that journey is surely working on myself, and even though i have worked on myself for over a year now, i realize that i have a long way to go in terms of being mentally stable.

 

Sometimes, i wonder how much other people have worked on their selves in order to achieve their goals. I know that not everyone has to work as hard as me, some people have a naturally nurturing environment where they have inherited money, where both their parents have college degrees, where they go to private schools and have baby sitters. Yet, there are other people who have to work way harder than me because: their parents have a history with drugs or alcohol, they have at least 1 parent who is dead or in jail, they live in the projects, they have to over come other challenges in life like a physical or mental disability, they were bulled a lot throughout their life.

 

Either way, i need to start having more faith in my decisions and more passion in my goals if i am to achieve anything, today starts the first day of my week without computer games or youtube videos, i understand now how difficult this is going to be so i am more prepared for the challenges ahead. What's funny is that people who try to quit anything for the first time don't realize what they are in for, this is why they end up failing.

[junebug123]

Okay, so today i quit slash got fired. So, if you are wondering how did it happen and how is it possible that the exact same thing happened to me last year around this same week?! This is exactly what happened, i went to work about 10 - 15 minutes late which is what i always do, then my boss gave me this small bag, i took it and went to the destination not realizing that i was suppose to take another bag with me. I don't know why i did this, i think i didn't care or maybe i just had too much on my mind to focus on work today. I called them and told them that today is my last day there (because basically, my boss forget to mention the other bag or maybe i couldn't be bothered to ask him) and then he came personally, and gave it to me.

 

This was after i made this tragic mistake of going to the wrong location on Wednesday because i forgot to read some small change of directions on the bottom of the page, maybe I'm suppose to be at fault for that too, idk? Either way, i was sick of the company and i told them that i didn't want to work there any more, and maybe it was a good thing that this happened. Similar to the way people are miserable in relationships, i was being miserably employed, i mean whether i quit or got fired, like does that make much of a difference? Maybe for unemployment but i don't plan on going that route, and i am not sure why i even did that last year.

 

The funny thing is that after i talked to my boss, he was like asking me why, and all these questions, then he told me was that i need to speak to this other guy in the office named, "Rodney". Yeah, I'm writing his name because the guy is an azzhole, like right after i gave my little speech in the office about what i decided to do and why, he was like, "oh well, we were going to let you go, but i guess it worked out for the both of us." Sorry, to take the steam out of your stack buddy, you can't fire me i just quit. Almost as if, he had been wanting to fire me or something and he just had to like throw that in there to save face. The job is crappy, the pay is crappy, like getting off on firing people there is like getting off at firing people from, "McDonald's". Nobody is going to care, they can just as easily get a job at another fast food chain with the experience they have or find a job which is going to pay them better and treat them with way more respect.

 

Wow, i almost went on a tangent with that last paragraph. So far i am not finding: 'Journals', to be any more interesting then 'solo Journals'. Sometimes, i look back at my other Journal and i feel bad like i let it die or something, wow, i feel depressed, i think I'm going to buy a pint of ice cream and some beer. I've had this throat infection for like a week and a half now and i couldn't eat any dairy or drink beer, and even though i should do homework, i just feel like being a fat b@stard.

[junebug123]

Doing it all over again, avoiding homework, drinking, spending money. This depression, its like meh. I know i can control it but somehow i don't want to. I need to study and do homework and avoid handball, it's just that i am just so bored and sad. How can people function without hope or happiness?

 

Is that the meaning of life? What does it mean to work hard in order to achieve ends which cannot be foreseen. Has anyone ever chased a dream which has never come to be? Why does man struggle?

 

FVCK!

 

You know that feeling when you just do something, even though you don't want to, and then afterwards you realize it wasn't that hard. Well, i don't think i have felt that in a long time now. The feeling i get is doing something i don't want to, then feeling like the whole way while doing it, then afterwards regretting then i didn't do something else which i would have preferred to do. Is this what adults feel like all the time?

[junebug123]

Somehow i managed to finish all the work for my lab in my java business class. This was the code that was really killing me

 

while (radiusString.equals("") || radiusString.matches("[A-Za-z]*")) {

JOptionPane.showMessageDialog(null,

"The Radius must be filled with a number value", "D A T A E R R O R",

JOptionPane.ERROR_MESSAGE);

radiusString = JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Enter a radius for the Circle");

}

 

I just don't know java that well, and couldn't validate the program. Anyways, it was due last week but, i'm submitting it now. Something that really helped me today was going to the gym. It allowed me to release a lot of stress and anxiety, also i was working out with my friend which made working out a lot easier because it was fun to work out with someone. Working out alone is really boring unless your like in your house or something, it just feels lonely in the gym sometimes.

 

Also, i am not sure if the treadmill machine is broken, i'm pretty sure it was because i was able to put it to 19 mph and usually i can't run more than like 12 mph, maybe its was like using the metric system or something, and i was running 19 km per hour? I don't even know the conversion rate on that. After everything was said and done, i was really excited to hop on the computer, then i realized there was no internet connection!

 

At first, i was upset but then i thought to myself, well i can just use this time to do homework, and away i went. For the first time, i realized that boredom is the biggest motivation to doing anything. I was so bored that i had no choice but to do the homework. Maybe, in the future, i will like press the wireless button on my laptop to ensure that i get started on homework first. I need to start using a TOP heavy down approach to completing tasks. That consists of doing the hard stuff first, and saving the easy stuff for later.

 

Basically, when i attempt to have fun and then do homework at around 10 or 11, it basically never gets done! Using a new approach to doing homework and getting it out the way will save me from becoming to tired and mentally exhausted. I will do everything to avoid doing it too, i will play handball, watch videos, play chess, then by like 6 or 7 i'm taking a nap, basically its really stup1d on my part.

[junebug123]

JUAN CARLOS! What is wrong with you today, why are you not doing homework, what happened to the top heavy approach!

 

Yesterday, i freaking worked out like a beast, my friend C and I went to the gym and even though my shoulder was weak, i managed to work out a lot.

 

C was like lets focus on chest and back, i think i just did like half my normal bench work out and then 15 - 20 pounds lighter on everything else. It felt good though to be able to feel like i am getting back to my normal self. Also, i was working out because of the altercation that i got into with that handball player. Sometimes, i worry that those types of situations can elevate and i don't want to put myself in a situation where i cannot defend myself because i have been slacking.

 

Today, i was super excited to play handball and i went out about 1:00 or 1:30. I played fairly well for working out so much, but the cold air is heavy on the lungs and i got really exhausted and ended up losing a few games playing with this kid who i thought was good. I noticed that he got exhausted even faster than me and kept choking on easy shots. I guess he gets nervous when we play better players.

 

Right now, since i woke up, i've been feeling exhausted and, i have been on the computer for over 2 hours now since about 8. I know i need to do this work, but i don't know how to force myself to do it. Also, i am feeling really bad about not wanting to do it either, i just feel like i am depressed and i feel like drinking beer.

 

Why is it that i am in a constant state of depression, like everytime things go good, i start feeling this way . . . I wonder if i am delusion and thinking that maybe i just delude myself into thinking i am happy, when really all it is, is a mood swing.

 

Woe is me, woe.

[junebug123]

OMFG, the amount of anxiety i am feeling right now is driving me crazy. I know its caused from me spending too much time on the computer and that i need to do homework, its just i don't know what else to do!

[junebug123]

Anxiety through the roof again. I knew i shouldn't have drank that green tea 2 hours ago, at around 9 pm with dinner. I've have been working out in my room in an effort to calm down but it seems that i am no where near my goal. Breathe, Breathe, hope that it passes, i feel like i am a victim of constant anxiety attacks. Is there a cure for this BS. I once read somewhere that the cure is to just allow yourself to feel anxious and understand that it will eventually pass.

 

I don't know if working out when i am anxious is such a good idea?

[junebug123]

Okay, i think i know what is causing my anxiety, the feeling of being overwhelmed with all this homework which i left until the last minute once again. I just finished doing this one assignment from last week and now i have to do this weeks assignment for both classes, plus 2 discussions and 2 quizzes. Why do i keep doing this too myself. I need to start waking up early!

 

These late nights are killing me.

[junebug123]

So, i got a job today, i think. I got a job at this bakery and it pays more than my last job. I am all butterflies and excited and ready to brag on friday when i pick up my check to my old co-workers. Today, it feels good to be Juan Carlos. Also, during the interview this really hot young co-manager was interviewing me and she was staring deeply into my eyes. She was short, Asian with freckles, i wanted to jump her bones so badly, but i forgot her name and then the other girl asked me i couldn't remember! douh, strike one.

 

I have to remember to take this happiness in strides, it could be gone in 5 hours or in 2 weeks, who knows. This is why imagination is sometimes evil, it allows us to feel fantastic thoughts which may or may not be based on actual facts. Like, i am assuming that i got the job but who knows if this women will email me like she said, well, i don't know but everything went so smoothly and they told me about the two positions and i seemed so over qualified for the job, dude, i know i got this!

 

What's more, i can't wait to see that girl again, Shirley was her name, idc if i write it, its not like anyone even knows me, i hope not at least. What's funny is that girl who i gave my number to a few weeks back never called me, and i don't think i even remembered her name. What is with me and these names! Man, i need to get laid soon, i feel so backed up lately, this stuff is going to start pouring out my eye balls. It's no wonder that every girl i encounter lately seems so attractive, i feel like my body has a timer on it, every like 3 to 5 months i start to get really horny and then eventually i get laid. After that, i can just chill and not worry about my body acting out again.

[junebug123]

So its 9:50 right now. I had a really unproductive day since that interview. I went to this school which has handball courts to play a couple of games and like no one was there (at least no one good). Then i ate 3 slices of pizza at the dollar spot and finally went home and played more handball. I stopped playing at around 6 but then i was really tired and ate chinese food and watched youtube videos.

 

Whatever happened to my self control, its like i forget about it everyday. That is the problem with addiction, on the plus side, i have been watching a lot less youtube and playing more chess (which i feel is very productive). At least after i'm done playing chess, i don't feel like sh1t and also i have learned something useful. I need to play my day out, turns out that having google calendar send me those messages about working out and doing homework didn't help me much. I just read them and ignore, how do I end up ignoring my own advice?!

 

I need to find a method that works. Maybe i should tattoo "Do something productive everyday" to my arm . . .

[junebug123]

My phone has died on me. So it happened, my battery no longer holds a charge which is ironic considering that I thought i was going to originally going to lose my laptop battery, but then it turned out that we blew a fuse from using too many radiators and there was simply no power coming from the outlets.

 

Instead of just buying a new phone i ordered a new screen and a new battery off of amazon for 18 dollars shipping included. This sets me back a little because i don't want to pay 25 dollars for the 1 day shipping and i have to wait until at least the 20th of November until i can start using my phone again. Also, what is troubling is that this place hasn't emailed back about coming in for training, should i keep looking or should i wait a week, i don't know, what the protocol is because i feel as thought training should have started ASAP and now i feel like maybe i was getting my hopes up, the lady said she would shoot me an email like that same day, but then i received no email. Now, I'm confused if i should bother emailing her or maybe i guess i just failed the interview . . .

 

I think, I'm going to keep looking because i don't like being kept on the back burner like this and maybe i will find an even better job instead of waiting on those guys. This whole situation is confusing.

[junebug123]

Ok, so after a lot of stress and worrying i called them and then she emailed me back saying that i can start training on Saturday. I'm happy to just get a job and i feel excited again like a little school boy. It's part time, so that's good and also it seems like a tight knit community. I hope that everything will go smoothly although i do have to wake up super early on Saturday morning so that's not going to be so great. Yet, on the plus side, i get to work early and then just come home and chill for the rest of the day.

 

I'm glad I posted a thread about this because i was really confused about what to do. Someone on ENA told me to just follow up and call, about the position. I called and then she just emailed me back, so no big deal. The big deal was that i was freaking out inside and having anxiety for like a day and a half straight. I mean like i need to eat and stuff i can't go with out work for long and i think I already went through about 150 dollars in just 1 week. Considering that i don't have much money saved up, who knows how many weeks i would have lasted before i went entirely broke.

[junebug123]

I'm doing it again, I am going on auto mode and wasting time on the computer. How do i stop feeling like this, its so upsetting. I am starting to understand my problem a little more, everytime i succeed i doing something i feel like its time for play. Has anyone ever like done something really hard and then asked them self, how do i top myself, or do they say to them-self, damn that was hard, i need a cold one now.

 

I feel like i am the latter of the two, like i was born to be a failure in life because everytime i do something great, my brain goes into break mode. If i mapped out my progress over the years, it would not be like a diagonal line going up, it would look like a mountain range. Maybe, i should make a spread sheet of the time i spend everyday. And getting that spread sheet to look pretty will be my goal. I wonder if there is something online for that?

 

Damn, now that i wrote down cold one, i actually feel like getting a beer. I am a fool. But, ill be damned to be a sober fool today.

[junebug123]

Falling behind in school work, picked up my last 3 checks from my last job, starting my new job tomorrow. I'm nervous but excited, I noticed i spend less time on the computer when I am actively doing something. I started to realize something very important about this journal adventure, don't put my self in a situation where i am liable to use the computer.

 

It's like i haven't realized that spending hours in my room leads to me eventually using the computer for mindless purposes. I don't know why it never occurred to me before, but when i am doing something important which takes precedence over the computer then the computer no longer becomes important at all. Also, if I know i have an addiction and I am more liable to use the computer to watch videos and waste time, i should have been going to Starbucks or out to where there is wifi, in order to focus on homework.

 

Ultimately, this all boils down to laziness and not giving a fvck attitude which proves to yield no results and leads to more laziness and not giving a fvck.

[junebug123]

Exhausted today, feeling like i got fvcked over again. Woke up at around 4:30 this morning to start what i thought would be a new job. Worked from 5:45 am until around 12:00 on a Saturday morning to hear the lady say that this was a trial run and then I will learn next week whether i got the job or not and that she is still interviewing people for the position. To be honest, this job is paying 12 dollars an hour, and for all the BS they are putting me through, i am thinking of just finding another job, even if it pays less. I cannot stand people who think so highly of themselves, this HR manager is fvcking pissing me off.

 

After work, i payed handball for about 2 - 3 hours then i road my bike home. I was so tired that i took a 2 hour nap, then woke up and didn't feel like doing homework. I was under a lot of stress, so much stress and physical tension that i tried to release some only to find that i am still stressed out even after the deed. Why, i am writing this, because it svcks to be losing money, out of work, and to deal with these sort of people, meanwhile i have school debt up the ying yang and doing the deed gives me piece of mind for about 2 minutes.

 

I feel like drinking a beer tonight again! And i have all this fvcking homework to do, why is god so unfair to me. What have i done to deserve this wretched life. The funny thing is that i know successful people don't let these moments phase them, and so how they manage to handle their sh1t at the end of the day, maybe i just wasn't born to be successful. Maybe i don't have the gull to be one of the greats. I am just too fvcking lazy to give a fvck.

[junebug123]

Woke up feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes i feel like i am living in a nightmare. My java programming professor is a total b1tch and i think that there is no way i will be able to get all these assignments done in 12 hours. Wasted so much time online yesterday from literally 7 till 1 in the morning. It had nothing to do with being bored, it was more like i was feeling stressed and just didn't want to do the work. Sometimes i think i build up situations too much, also this whole situation with this job is getting annoying, i think i am going to just turn them down because i find myself hating this place more and more every single day.

 

I went on to glass door last night and read reviews of the place and all the reviews were saying the place svcks. I don't know if i need that type of headache in my life. I don't know what to do anymore, more and more I am leaning towards being a messenger again. I am just worried about my knees. I haven't done anything about it in all this time and my quads are still really over developed.

[junebug123]

Feel like i'm going crazy right now. Spent the last 8 hours on and off completing my assignments for this week. I left it all to the last minute, and all i can think about is wanting to watch youtube videos right now. The good thing is that i'm done with my java homework and quiz. Which leaves my web game programming quiz and homework to be done. I'm not that worried about it thought because the professor isn't a b1tch and his work isn't that hard.

 

I just need a little break . . . Also, i got into another fight with my sister today, strangely it left me feeling suicidal, i think fighting with her is a bad idea but allowing her to annoy me is even worse. If i'm not fighting with her then she will just annoy the sh1t out of me asking me for favors and stuff. She is so extreme.

[junebug123]

Feeling very hopeless right now, I don't feel tired at all and its almost 12 o'clock, I know this is because i spent the entire day doing homework and barely exercised. I am so depressed right now, maybe its time go back to bike messaging, i felt like that was one of the only jobs I actually enjoyed doing . . . On the bright side i just finished my lab though.

 

Something has to change soon because i can't keep living like this.

[junebug123]

So, here i am throwing a pity party for myself, again. I feel depressed, more than ever, i realized i need to be pro-active about my situation and start waking up early so that i can go out and find work.

 

Why does this always happen to where i fall into these slumps. On a good note, i did all my laundry and cleaned my desk off, mostly. I need to fold my clothes now and i just need to make plans that all for what i will do next. My thought patterns are very irradiate and its hard for me to focus on any one thing.

 

I need to like mediate or something to find my balance. I feel very off balance lately, very anxious, very confused. I need to find a driving force in my life to help settle my mind.

[junebug123]

My body is so sore today, i've been working out like a monster lately. Something inside me snapped and i decided that i need to work on myself before i start looking for work again. There is so much i need to do which i have been neglecting. Recently i cleaned all my clothes (4 bags full, and folded them), now i have to focus on homework and getting it done early. Somehow, one of the assignments which i meant to send out never went it, and its really upsetting to me, my professor gave me a zero and said late next to the assignment!

 

I emailed him explaining that i did send it but fvck!!!!! he hasn't he mailed me back and i feel that this time the zero will stay, so no more messing around i need to start getting on top of this school situation. Also, my battery for my phone and my screen arrived so i can work on fixing my old broke phone, i might even get a case for it. I need to start working out my hamstrings because they are super tight. This tightness is affecting my posture and also my abs are really weak as well.

 

Last night i was icing my knees because they were really sore, I actually stretched them out and everything for like 2 - 3 hours. I think i finally got the computer monster under control for once. I found a way where i can watch videos and still be productive. I am limiting myself to watching only 1 show ("one piece") and i am only watching that show while i work out. SO in a way, i am still being productive, plus i don't get all anxious afterwards because my body is actually moving.

 

I feel like i am talking small steps forward towards breaking out of my depression, we shall see how i do in the coming weeks.