Delacrank's Self Control Journal

[junebug123]

Great insight in that entry! Thanks for the reminders too. I think you really nailed it with that post. On the kind of thinking that can keep us stuck, and the kind that can help us grow.

I hope you do keep writing - I enjoyed reading it.

 

Thanks.

 

Juan.

[junebug123]

So, today I am sitting in Starbucks because it is raining. I just came from the chelsea clinic to find out about free testing options, turns out I will get tested on Tuesday. My lady friend, turns out she forgot to take her pill when she was away so we used protection, it all worked out in the end sort of.

 

I decided to bring my laptop to work with me today in the hopes of possibily programming during my breaks. The job is god awful boring and i spent a lot of my breaks on my iPhone watching youtube videos (cross-addiction). I hope to move from that habit into more fruitful ones, only time will tell how well I adapt to these new patterns.

 

In terms of my thoughts at work, many of them still revolve around my co-worker and getting excited about her. Lately, I find her less attractive, and I also feel like I have more control over my feelings then in the past. There was a time when having a good experience with her would lead to jubilation and tranquality in the weeks following, while bad experiences would turn my life upside down in a matter of minutes.

 

These sorts of shifts in my feelings would go on for months following and the range of feelings would be so extreme that at times, I wondered why i continued to befriend her after countless betrayals. One of my other co-workers who I spoke with frequently suggested, "maybe it is the emotional roller coaster ride which kept me interested". To a certain degree, he was right. This girl brought excitement into my relatively mundane life of work, TV, video games and handball. I didn't have much going for me at the time.

 

Eventually, through talk therapy and reading self help books (about four or five at this point) I started to realize that there were other things I could invest my time and energy into. At this time I also started dating a lot. Little by little I started to make changes in my thought patterns from wondering what tomorrows interaction with her would be like, to: wondering what sort of exercise I would do at home, what the next chapter of the book look like, who was playing at the handball courts or how many bikes would i check today.

 

Well, that's all for now. I am going to find a domain name for this website I am building and hopefully I will post it soon.

[junebug123]

So, i am at 'think coffee' right now. The same pattern emerges where i find myself watching youtube videos and writing on this site. I have to remember to make 'first things' first, and 'second things' second. I am a little anxious from drinking this de-cafe coffee.

 

Yesterday, I attended a mens workshop and it went fairly well. I feel like my experience was much different then I have had with other co-consoling situations. The men's workshop allowed me to think differently about feelings and how they affect us. I often tend to ignore my feelings, yet the reality is that feelings are information. Sometimes i think we have a problem processing that information or listening to it.

 

The opposite can also happen where feelings can overwhelm us, not allowing us to to think about things logically. Information based on feelings can also lead to bad decisions. Maybe, the point was learning to use our feelings to achieve our goals and understanding how information can be used for both good and bad.

 

Example You get anxious about approaching women (fear of rejection), you follow this feeling as a sign of what not to do.

 

However, what if you interpreted this feelings differently.

 

Example You get anxious about approaching women (fear of rejection), you take this feeling as a sign of a challenge and try to overcome it.

 

See how the information didn't change, the only thing that changed in this scenario was how you reacted to the information. Ignoring the information doesn't help you either, and if you used feelings for your benefit, you could succeed in many situations.

 

Example2 You feel heartbroken because you're SO just dumped you (fear of abandonment), you follow this feeling by staying home and moping about the house.

 

What if we choose to react differently?

 

Example2: You feel heartbroken because you're SO just dumped you (fear of abandonment), you take this feeling as a sign that you are not happy with your life and you make the necessary life style changes in order to continue to feel happy.

 

I will continue to think about this more about myself slowly learn to trust and act on my intuition.

[junebug123]

Noticing a variety of issues with said SO. Not sure why this keeps happening but overall i feel there is a serious lack of intimacy between us. Feeling like i am approaching a brick wall at times and it just keeps getting more and more frustrating. Not sure why i open up but i feel like ultimately i am wasting time in this endeavor with this situation.

 

Oftentimes, i wonder why i am investing so much time in these sorts of situations because ultimately they feel futile and i find myself constantly annoyed. Not sure why i expect so much of people and why i couldn't expect more of myself and learning to make myself happy. Ultimately this was always going to happen in the end so why shouldn't i just start to distance myself early.

 

If i do distance myself then i would be saving myself a lot of time, energy and heartache.

[junebug123]

It's cold right now, I am sitting in whole foods. I think about programming more and more every single day. I want them to lay me off so i can focus on that full time. I haven't managed to save much money, this relationship is draining me financially, I keep thinking that I will save money each week and just end up spending more and more.

 

Wearing this silly jumpsuit right now and its really hot. Need some warmer gloves, went to a union meeting yesterday and it was a great experience. Relapsed yesterday, stayed up till 1 in the morning watching youtube videos and porn. In my defense i was too tired to program or work out once 9 o'clock hit, so i just laid in bed with the laptop.

 

Not liking this job more and more everyday but things can be worse, i could be making less money. I need to start changing my point of view from seeing things as difficult and realizing they are just challenges to overcome. I am really good at controlling anger but, i still suck at boredom and motivation.

[junebug123]

My neck is hurting me. I am struggling with this video game addiction. I spend all day watching hearthstone replays and its no wonder all I can think about is playing that damn game when i get home. I found myself installing the game, and halfway into the download installation process I asked myself, 'wait, is this going to make me happy?' Needless to say I had the strength of mind to stop and remove it again for the 3rd time this month . . .

 

I am just so tired when i get home. I don't have the energy to work out, what's going on with me. I think this is because I only got 5 hours of sleep and then i rushed to the doctors office to get std testing after work. My energy is zapped, but I just need to push myself to take naps and then keep going instead of quitting. I tried to take a hot bath as a means of relaxing, hoping that i would feel better, but then i just passed out in my bed for an hour or 2.

 

Ice cream gave me diarrhea, not sure why i decided to eat it. I thought it would relax my sore muscles. This is the 'I' entry, where I just keep writing that letter over and over again, because 'I' have no sense of imagination. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I need to stop feeling that there is finality to every small mistake i make. The world isn't over because you watch youtube videos during the day instead of programming, its over when you accept it as a way of life and have no intention to change.

 

Not, sure how therapeutic this writing is, at least I think it allows me to feel better. I am also not going to bother editing this because, I am curious to see what my writing looks like when I am feeling anxious. Which, seems to be the case, constantly.

 

Listening to 'Angel Vivaldi'

[junebug123]

I'm sitting in Starbucks, its cold outside as usual. This girl is pissing me off more and more everyday. I think of just dumping her and moving on with my life, its not worth it anymore I don't enjoy the way being with her is making me feel. She dumps on me for everything and is stubborn as fvck. One of the problems we are going through now is about this std testing thing, she has a problem constantly, its getting old now.

 

I am ready to be single again, I want to experience life without dealing with the burden of owning up to someone else. The more comfortable she gets around me, the more fighting and stupidity I am dealing with. I know in my heart that things will not change, but i want to keep having sex with her. The reality is that at some point even that will start to become meaningless, very much similar to the way i feel about this relationship.

 

I sent her a picture of my written results so.

 

So, she got back to me about the results and i have calmed down a little bit. Still, this fighting is taking a toll on me.

 

I decided to write in my journal every time I feel like watching youtube videos. Hopefully, I will abstain from watching any videos or do unnecessary things on this computer moving forward.

[junebug123]

I did it again, probably with good reason. Maybe, I am being of piece of sh1t. Who knows, tired of being in a relationship with someone who is going to constantly piss me off. 3 months into it, people change i suppose, this girl for the worse. She pisses me off constantly, with her fighting and piety demands, I keep talking myself out of walking away but, then i just end up having sex with someone else behind her back. This is the first time i've ever been in a situation like this. I know things aren't going to get better but, I am too scared to pull the trigger and something tells me that I should have ended it sooner and walked away by now.

 

Since she has been back from her trip we've had sex like twice with condoms and both occasions sort of sucked. She never organisms in bed with me, just once when i fingered her while she was rubbing herself. She has never had an orgasim with any of her prior partners either. One of her partners used to go down on her for long periods of time (half an hour) and even then she never got off.

 

I am really just annoyed right now. I asked to see her yersterday and she had dinner plans with a friend, and then today, the day which she supposably gave to me, she spends the afternoon with her roomate and the evening with her sister. Something also tells me that i'm taking this b1tch too seriously. I need to slow down because, this is exactly the reason why i don't last in relationships. I get pissed off and start sh1tting on my partners the moment things go wrong, instead of find other ways to make me happy.

 

Well, i'm going to try to program and hope that this feeling starts to wear off.

[junebug123]

I'm in my room, feeling weird about this weekend. I sort of made up with that girl but i still want to sever ties, she's crazy and fights too much. Too many problems and while i feel guilty, its best to just walk away now and save myself the future headaches. I'm sick of the fighting, i can't do it anymore, sucks that i had to be with her for 3 months to figure this out. The funny part is that maybe i saw signs of this in the very beginning but, choose to ignore them. Funny, how we always ignore things we wish didn't exist.

[junebug123]

Sitting in starbucks again, during my shift. Changed my attitude a little about work. I need to go home and clean my room, i've been slacking a lot lately. I need to do some food shopping, I need to get back on top of my priorities. If i stop taking things so seriously and put myself and my needs first, i wouldn't get into some of the situations i find myself in.

 

Not sure why these entries are so short lately, it must be a sign that my anxiety is kicking back into full drive. Feel, like i am changing my mind about the girl already, why am I so weak. I keep perpertuating the cycle in spite of myself, similar to what i did with the co-worker. Making difficult decisions has never been my strong suit.

 

I am playing hearthstone again, it seems to be my only escape these days but even the game is a form of betraying myself and my ideas about maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Feeling trapped, i hope i can escape this mood soon before it takes over me. Depression is what goes on when I am not self fulfilled, crawling out of depression can be easy if you know what to do in those sorts of situations.

 

I have to stop telling myself one more game, one more game.

[junebug123]

Yeah, so today is crazy. Some people are so dirty and giving me their dirty sh1t. Fvck them, I hate that.

[junebug123]

Monday, Feb 22, 12:55PM

 

I decided to continue this Journal

 

Wow, so its been a year and about 1 month since I last wrote in this Journal. I have decided to continue to write in this journal in the hopes of curbing an addiction to youtube.

 

Since then, I have moved on from that job at 'Citi Bike' tried to work as a software consultant for this company but didn't like it at all. Blew through 5k of savings in 5 months learning to program yadah yadah yadah. On the plus side, I learned a lot from the experience, I picked up several languages and got a lot better at some older ones. Mainly I learned a lot about web development, and realized that I can learn a lot faster on my own than under the supervision of someone else.

 

Some of the programming languages that I have become familiar with since then are HTML, CSS, Javascript, C#, PhP, SQL (MySQL). Also, I have learned to use some of the features of the .Net Framework and learned a little about MS SQL. Aside from that I continued to learned C++ and picked up on trying out some of the libraries for the language like SDL (Simple Direct Media Layer), OpenGL (Open Graphics Layer). I finished reading the book called 'Code' which talked a lot about assembly, machine language, how computers are built (interesting stuff).

 

Also, I built my own website from scratch and currently I am hosting it on a server called 'ipage.com' ( It's not the prettiest thing but it serves my purpose as sort of a blog or programming journal for me to refer back to when I forget things. I am thinking of making another website but not sure when that will happen or when I will finish this book I am reading called C++ Primer. It's sort of an intermediate book on learning C++ and its a real struggle. Well, I am going to try to do some programming for now but, I will keep updating this journal regularly in the hopes to stay off of youtube.

[junebug123]

Anxiety

 

Why is this chapter on functions so damn hard? I'm currently on page 237 of this programming book called C++ Primer. It is covering a lot of information, however, I have a methodology of just reading this information and then positing it to my website in order to better process the information.

 

For some reason I have been stuck on this chapter for close to 2 weeks now, or so it seems. I think that maybe my impatience is attributed to the slow rate of retention here. Not sure how to go about this best. What happened earlier is that I tried to just read through the chapter fluidly but then got stuck on the exercises.

 

I already have a source which provides me with all of the answers to all of the exercises but its meaningless if I don't understand the solutions either, lol. I think the other thing which has been very upsetting to me recently has been this cold. I was sick for most of last week before last week and some of this week.

 

I need to stay focused. Give me strength.

[junebug123]

4 months Later

 

Wow, To think that I am only on page 500 of that book now. I got really set back in my goals of being a programmer due to summer season hitting and playing a lot of handball. The good thing, is that I made a lot of accomplishments with my handball game.

 

My head is pounding right now from caffeine withdrawal. I'm going on day 5 of no coffee and the first two days I was having a lot of headaches. For some reason, some time past (2 days) and I didn't notice having any headaches, then out of the blue 5 hour headache, . I can't concentrate or do anything right now. I don't know why I stop writing in this journal so much. As soon as I get some money I am going to start updating my website again, I just need to get a new host and I should be good.

 

I got into a big fight with this kid who I made friends with, but now I am going to start distancing myself from him to focus on my goals. Its always so much easier to meet people then it is to leave them. Lol.