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Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

justagirl2

By justagirl2
in Dating Advice

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justagirl2 Contributor

justagirl2

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You keep telling us about how smart you are and I am waiting for evidence of this. I would again suggest you stop talking to him. He just wants someone to talk to.

 

Am I pretentious? Haha. Do I write a lot about how smart I am? That is not a good quality so I want to make sure I don't do that. I actually don't think I'm that smart. I think I'm naturally very quick and good with words but that's about it. I still have NO idea how I ended at the grad school I am at now. I have a lot of ambition, that's probably what got me here but I don't think I'm overly smart. I think I was overly smart as a kid, for sure. I was very smart until middle school. But, I believe the brain is a muscle and I just did not work very hard starting from high school which made me not develop my full potential, IMO. Now it's hard to get all that back. I really regret not working harder during high school and college. I actually think I talk more about being "hot" here than smart. And this might be pretentious too but I'm more confident with my looks than my smarts at this point. I'm just the typical latin woman but with European features: I have long, wavy blonde hair, big boobs, big butt, an European skin tone that goes darker when meshed the latin. I wish I could post a picture. I'm not the prettiest woman in the world, far from it. But I am very good looking.

 

Should I post a picture? Would it expose me to much? At this point, I don't think it would mater when would Z or T finds us here?

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justagirl2 Contributor

justagirl2

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I'm still feeling SO good. It's so weird I was expecting to be depressed, quit my diet. Instead, I followed my diet today, finished and submitted my homework in advance. I glad I keep it. I'm just... happy. You guys probably think it wasn't smart but the last thing I wrote Z was what finally made me move on. I had that on my chest for months and needed him to know that I wasn't demanding any seriously relationship. But, it seems like he can't even get what I wanted - to plan dates, spend time together and see where it takes us. If he already knows he sees me as just friends, there is no point on following what my perfect scenario would be. I think it is good resolution and I was able to get MY closure in a nice way, without manipulating or berating him. I also like to ends things in a positive way and my comment about the 20,000,000 people was funny and positive.

 

"I know Z. I don’t want this to be anything too dramatic just think it’s good for us. Also, I just want to make it clear that I didn’t want any sort of serious relationship with you, as I really don’t think we know each other in a man/woman context at all. All I meant when I said I like you is that I really enjoy spending time with you and I’m attracted to you as more than a friend. Nothing too intense or complicated, just see where things go with no expectations. But, if you are not attracted to me like that it’s a lot better for us to just stop constantly talking for a while because I don’t think it’s fair to feel like you are letting me down or anything like that, you know? I’m sure we’ll cross paths again Z. Haha. I mean, it’s not like we didn’t in a city of more than 20 million people

Good night!"

 

What is the downside that you guys see with what I wrote? We've stopped talking and won't talk on the next few months!

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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I see a downside in having any sort of contact after he told you what he wanted (friendship) other than "thank you for letting me know. I'd appreciate if we not be in contact for awhile as I still have feelings for you. Thank you and take care". No big deal -you just reinforce for him and his ego how much you DO want him (as in "the lady protests too much"). I'm glad you told him not to contact you I just think that should have been in response to his answer to your question and very short/simple. Your lengthy response opens the door for him to keep contacting you far more than simple/sweet. I'm sure you will make the right choice not to stay in touch.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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This is day 1 not staying in touch. Hard. He is so cold.

 

I just want this month to pass quickly because I know once 30 days have passed things get a lot easier. I know it will be tough, specially week 1.

 

Please please downgrade the drama. This is not about a long or even short relationship ending. This is about a friend confirming again that he doesn't see you in a romantic light. And you deciding not to be in touch with him as a friend because you have feelings for him. Think of it this way- you've had months to get used to the idea - his answer came as no surprise, right -or if so, minimally. You chose to hang on and pursue him despite his not wanting a relationship with you. It's ok that he doesn't see you that way- has nothing to do with your attractiveness/intelligence/worth, whatever. It just is. Making it more dramatic than it is is just going to lead to you making excuses to be in contact or stalk his facebook page, etc.

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Deciduous Explorer

Deciduous

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This is day 1 not staying in touch. Hard. He is so cold.

 

I just want this month to pass quickly because I know once 30 days have passed things get a lot easier. I know it will be tough, specially week 1.

 

Hi Justa,

 

I know. It can be very hard - not to contradict, Batya (cause I do get what she has saying) but I've had very heavy crushes on people in my time, and it was soooo painful to let go, because in my mind I had envisaged and imagined a happy and loving future. It was having to let go of that future and the strong feelings that had built up.

 

So I would being gentle with myself. I admited that it was a loss to my subconscious. And that is where it counted. Not necessarily the external facts and details, but how strongly I had related to that person and welcomed their prescence into my life.

 

According to my subconscious, I was already into the relationship and in deep. And there-fore normal rules apply. It takes time to emotionally disconnect. This thread has been going since 12 October 2013, so of course it's a painful loss.

 

However to help the process of healing, it was beneficial to physically disconnect. You have asked and asked and asked him. He has always come bac with nothing and broken your heart all over again.

 

Normal "No Contact" rules apply. Let us not downplay your pain or disappointment. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have repeatedly put everything you had behind this, even though logically, it seemed hopeless.

 

The loss of a crush (particularly one that you interacted with several times a day) does hurt and it is hard. I'm not going to kid you, or give you any bulls**t.

 

But there are reasons why you are making this decision. You have tried everything possible to make this situation work. You hoped against hope that he would warm to the idea - and it would become a real relationship. But on each occasion you were hit with extradinary disappointment.

 

The truth is, there is nothing left to try, if I may quote Madonna. I think she sums it up perfectly....

 

There really is nothing else to try, my darling.

 

God Bless

 

Deci

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justagirl2 Contributor

justagirl2

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Deci - Thank you so much for your words. That song is AMAZING. Fits this to a "T". I just would definitely not use the word "love" to describe my feelings for Z. If I was 18? I definitely would have but this was not love. I was very into him and had very high expectations for a relationship/future with him because I just admire him a lot and feel like he fills the perfect "mold" of what I want in a partner and for my future, but it wasn't love.

 

I've been feeling surprisingly ok about all this. I cried A LOT on Saturday but today I've been very chill. Remember 2 months ago when I ended things with my ex, T, for good? For the first week I was so sad that I couldn't even eat. I felt so needy and empty had to have sex with random dudes. It hurt a lot more. I do think I loved T.

 

Z? Nah. I'm addicted to talking to him and I feel like I won't ever find anyone as perfect on paper, but I don't feel a hurt in my heart. I just... don't. I guess he never really gave me anything so it's not like I'm losing much?

 

Maybe the sad wave will hit but I feel very on track right now.

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justagirl2 Contributor

justagirl2

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This is a good (a little too dramatic) song for Z. I can't help but be a Tay Swift fan. Haha. It's the girly girl in me.

 

"Cold As You"

 

You have a way of coming easily to me

And when you take, you take the very best of me

So I start a fight cause I need to feel something

And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

 

[Chorus

 

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day

Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through

I've never been anywhere cold as you

 

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray

And I stood there loving you and wished them all away

And you come away with a great little story

Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

 

[Repeat Chorus]

 

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you

And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

(Died for you)

 

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day

Every smile you fake is so condescending

Counting all the scars you made

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through

I've never been anywhere cold as you

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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I also have had intense crushes. My perspective on your behavior towards Z is a bit different because you pursued him even though you hadn't yet broken up with your boyfriend and while you had this intense crush you pursued and hooked up with a number of other guys plus wanted T back on and off. That is why I saw it as less intense -because of your behavior and choices during this time. I am sorry you are disappointed again and glad you are being strict with yourself about staying away from him.

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justagirl2 Contributor

justagirl2

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Blah, nights are hard. It's 8pm and I have nothing to do until 10pm. No homework for tomorrow. Having nothing to do is bad. I really do not feel sad about this. I feel more of an "abstinence" from talking to him? It's weird. I wonder if I was too intense with him and scared him away? Was I too pushy/intense? I keep thinking if I should start talking to T again, like my mom suggested. But I literally do not miss T. It's crazy because this is supposed to be my lowest moment but I just don't want to talk to him. I really don't think I loved him that deeply. I have to accept that even though he was perfect on paper the feelings are just really not there for me. I just do not miss him. It's sad but it's the truth. The only thing really bothering me is my 27th birthday looming and the fact that I should be close to be engaged instead I'm on square ZERO, literally.

 

Anyways, I know I won't hear from him anymore so it's just tough. The first, second, third days are very hard.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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I don't think you scared him away. I think he always wanted to be friends. I think he enjoyed flirting with you and very much enjoyed the ego boost he got from knowing how interested you were in him. My guess is that he is pursuing another woman or thinking of pursuing another woman. "Should" be close to being engaged? Says who? Anyway, if you look back at your thread at just these last few months you've dated/hung out with more single guys than many woman date in a year or more. In early 2005 I ended an on again off again long term relationship (about 7 years). 7 months later, days after my 39th birthday, I was serious with my now-husband. During that 7 months I had a number of short term dating relationships. That's not meant to brag in the least, just to point out that that was in my late 30s -when most men would run screaming, covering their ears to drown out my clock, right?

 

Oh and when I was almost 27 I broke off an LTR after he proposed (I think I mentioned that he's now happily married to a man) so I was at "ground zero" too. The year that followed was a bit more of a dry spell because I didn't meet anyone for a serious relationship.

 

Please stop with the shoulds, ok?"the reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight-reel".

 

Oh and please don't think that I wish for you what I went through - if you finally decide to act like you want a serious relationship leading to marriage I hope it happens several or many years before mine happened for me- for a number of reasons. No need to decide that today, tomorrow or even this year - it's fine if you decide whatever about relationships as long as you're honest with yourself.

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justagirl2 Contributor

justagirl2

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Thanks Batya. You won't believe me but I really DOUBT that Z is pursuing other woman. That is the strangest part of all. He doesn't seem interested in woman at all. He doesn't give me any gay vibes either. It's so weird. Remember J? Who I pursued for a long time? I know he was always interested and pursuing other women. Z just... I know he isn't. It's very strange. He gives me ZERO gay vibes though and I think it's very lame for woman to imply a man is gay just because he's not into you. So I'm not going there...

 

There are things very weird about this though. He's very... asexual? I don't know it's like he has a huge block in regards to sex and relationships. It's really strange. I've been close to him for 2 years and there really hasn't been anyone else. I'm close to all of his friends who told me he really doesn't date. I told you what my friend told me that this Summer in the Hamptons a girl asked his sister... "So, Z hasn't dated in years. Is he gay?" The sister got very defensive and said: "He's just shy".

 

It's just very weird how asexual this guy is. And I'm not saying he's not going to pursue any woman... but right now he isn't.

 

This part of it all makes it very hard to move on. I remember once I knew J was dating other girls, I'd really focus on moving on. I was actually only able to really move on when he was seriously dating someone else. Since Z really doesn't date, it's been harder to let go.

 

I've honestly NEVER met a guy like Z in my life. I think part of why this is so intriguing. Like I have a best guy friend from bschool who really never dates and just does not seem interested in woman but he DEF has gay mannerisms and we all really have a strong hunch that he is gay. Z has legit ZERO mannerisms. He is also a very good kisser/seems into it. It's really intriguing I've legit never met anyone like this kid in my life.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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Is the any possibility he might be gay from everything I said? I really don't have a gut feelings he does though.

 

I don't think he's gay and I think your analysis is based on far too much speculation and gossip. I think you have to assume that he didn't see you in a romantic light (which is fine) and my guess is whether he dates a lot or not at some point -and likely in the next few years - he'll be involved with someone seriously. Maybe sooner. The sooner you stop speculating about why he didn't see you that way (as opposed to "he didn't because he didn't -could be any number of reasons) the sooner you can choose to move on.

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Deciduous Explorer

Deciduous

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I also have had intense crushes. My perspective on your behavior towards Z is a bit different because you pursued him even though you hadn't yet broken up with your boyfriend and while you had this intense crush you pursued and hooked up with a number of other guys plus wanted T back on and off. That is why I saw it as less intense -because of your behavior and choices during this time. I am sorry you are disappointed again and glad you are being strict with yourself about staying away from him.

 

Yet these actions always came off the back of a brush-off from Z. Z was at the centre. Justa would feel hurt and undesirable, which would trigger feelings of neediness and a desire for male affirmation - there was a very clear pattern there. (if you don't mind me saying, Justa)

 

Oh and when I was almost 27 I broke off an LTR after he proposed (I think I mentioned that he's now happily married to a man) so I was at "ground zero" too. The year that followed was a bit more of a dry spell because I didn't meet anyone for a serious relationship.

 

 

Oh, crikey! I think there is a lesson there for all of us. When we look at the "clock" and not the "man", we can make very serious mistakes - which Batya avoided.

 

Deci

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justagirl2 Contributor

justagirl2

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Haha, Deci - You are right on. I think it was Z in the center and I genuinely was grieving the end of my relationship with T. I was definitely in a vulnerable place and needing reassurance. I knew it though and everything I did was very rational so I just really do not regret any of it.

 

Funny that now that I feel a little stronger, my desire for casual sex or dating guys I'm not into is like... negative 100.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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Assume he is thinking "I am glad we cleared the air and she knows where I stand. I enjoy talking with her and flirting with her but I know it's better this way so she can move on". Is he? Who knows. It's possible he's just thinking about what to do this weekend. But I'd assume that because it's the most positive and realistic scenario and allows you to move on.

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