Regret is the hardest pill to swallow

[Jayru]

Hello All,

 

I am new here, this is my very first post. My boyfriend (and father to my 2 yr old daughter) of 9 years broke up with me the weekend of August 23rd (2 weeks ago.) HOWEVER, I think it just hit me this morning. Long long long story short: I was unfaithful last year (summer). I ditched work to hang out with an old friend (male) and he found out (found my beach bag in the my car with a receipt from that day.) I lied to him him told him I was with a group of girlfriends. I was scared of losing him and our family. Well that same night he went through my phone and found some messages from a male friend of mine (who has a gf and lives in another state) which included a picture of him showing off his biceps (not nude.) My boyfriend was devastated and we had a hard few months. He finally started to trust me again after I started being more attentive and affectionate towards him. I cut off contact with all make friends and really tried to be a good "wife." I wanted it to work.

Well things were going great until the week of August 11th (this year). I received a random text from that old friend who sent me the pic. He wanted to see how I was doing and told me he had been hearing I was getting really into fitness and working out (I am/was.) He then sent me a pic of himself (I did not request it.) again, flexing, but this time he was in a full length mirror and in boxers. I know, I know it sounds horrible!!! This was the first contact we had had since last year.

Well of all nights (or maybe he had been doing it) my boyfriend goes through my phone as I slept. He saw the texts. We were leaving to Palm Springs for a romantic weekend the next day (Aug 23rd) so he didnt mention it. We had an amazing time in PS, until he told me what he found.

He was not angry, he was calm, and said it was over and that I needed to move out. He didnt trust me and he couldnt marry someone like me.

I WAS DEVASTATED. I cried and begged him to believe me when I told him I wasnt seeing him nor anyone else. That I had cut off all communication with this person, and this was the first contact made in months. He said he didnt believe me, and thinks I was cheating. He said I am too unaffectionate and that he gave me everything, the house, the car, the love... and I threw it away.

He said he brought me to PS to have a good time because he still cared, but that it was over.

 

Well we got back and things were weird. One day he would shower with me and we would sleep together. And the next he wouldnt even look at me. It has now been 2 weeks and I found an apartment for my daughter and I. I cried when I told him I was moving out Oct. 1st. He has been avoiding the house lately. He used to be friendly with me and ask me to go have dinner with him (after the breakup) but all that changed this weekend. Friday night he went drinking with his friend from work and came home late. We slept together. And Saturday I was throwing his sister a baby shower. We spent all day together and things were fine. I knew we were broken up but it felt normal. We slept together again Sat night.

 

But then sunday he got up early, said he had plans, and vanished all day (10am-11pm) he didnt call to see how our daughter was. I text him and no asnwer. He told me he was going to see his sister... but then I found a gas receipt from a completely different city than he was supposed to be in.

 

I confronted him and he said he was with his sister later in the day but had something to do earlier. He said I had no right to question him. I asked if he had met someone and/or was out meeting people. And he said "I am out having a good time, this is my time. I am out meeting lots of people. I am doing what u did while we were together. You made your bed now lie in it. I warned you. I gave you a chance and you thought I would take you back. What bugs me is the fact I only know part of what you were doing." I started crying and trying to tell him he was wrong, I hadnt done anything... but he said he didnt want to hear it.

 

He told me we would never sleep together again. And that he was checked out.

 

That was monday. Last night I told him I had found a place. He seemed a bit surprised, sad, but he said "ok cool." Then he left to sleep at his moms because he had something to take care of over there. He called me at 11:30pm to tell me his brother was arrested. He has gone to bail him out. We talked about what Im going to take when I leave, and some other details, for about 30 min. It felt so GOOD.

 

Then this morning at 7am he comes in & I asked him why he was taking all of this so well. (I had been up crying all night. I text him at 5am telling him i missed him and couldnt sleep. He didnt reply.) He said "You think this is easy for me?! Its not. You dont think I want to see my baby everyday? But this isnt my first rodeo. You will be fine. You need to do this."

 

He then gave me a big hug, told me to have a good day, and left. It is now almost 3pm and I have not heard from him. At the beginning of the breakup he would call me and text, but nothing in the last week or so. I will text him saying "I miss you, I want to change, I am sorry." And he will reply hours later with a "How is your day going" Or something. He doesnt acknowledge the other texts.

 

He told my mom on saturday night (my mom knows) "I dont see myself having kids with anyone else... but she needs to do this. She needs to grow up."

It made me feel like there was hope. But then Sunday off he goes all day who knows where, and again I was crushed.

 

Basically, I want to get some outside opinions. Do you guys think he is testing me? Should I try and show him the changes I am making or how well I am doing once I move out? I will have to have contact with him because of my daughter, but should I only talk to him about her? How long should I wait until I ask him to try and be open to working things out? Should I even bring it up? What if he meets someone in 6 months and I am still stuck hoping that this year will be much needed break and we will be able to come back stronger???

 

Am I dumb for keeping the hope?

 

Any advice will help! Thanks!

[oitnb]

I don't think he's seeing other people, I think he's separating himself from you because you're in the process of breaking up.

 

Go to your apartment, work on yourself. If you guys are meant to be, it will happen. But right now it's time to focus on yourself.

[SooSad33]

He's very angry and hurt and is lashing out, going hot & cold by sounds of it. You know he's still got those feelings for you no matter what he says or does. Love & feelings dont fade overnight.

But- thing is, is he is correct. You two are done now...

I just HOPE he didn't just 'find some way' to end things (as a reason). So HE could get out of it. I dont think so.

To 'show changes', you need to have some 'time' to do that. You can't or won't change overnight.

Don't bring you two up- yes, speak ONLY of your child. Right now, that's ALL the focus should be on. Leave the rest alone for a good month or more. Give it all time.

You are NOT dumb.. a very hard/sad thing is occurring.. honestly, if you ask me, he over reacted. I know many out there who have friends of opposite sex.... but, can't change him or what he wants to think of it...

 

For now.. work on you. I know it's hard to do for a few months. But look at your lil girl- focus and love her when you're having those bad moments. Work on making sure you eat enough and get rest, okay.

 

We, on here...understand your LOSS

One day at a time.

[mbee]

I have more to say soon, but out of curiosity, since you did not cheat, do you have any evidence to back it up? My ex cheated on me (he definitely did since I saw him with her) BUT if that had not been the case and it was my suspicions, I would expect some hardcore evidence. You could show him your phone bill and show that's the first text this guy gave you. You guys live together so I'm not sure how you could have just disappeared for an extended period of time. Internet history, phone bills, credit card statements, etc. should be able to show this guy randomly texted you.

 

From a person who forgave a guy who was unfaithful and then did it again, and much worse, a year later, I can understand your ex-boyfriend's perspective. I highly doubt he's seeing other people. It takes a strong person who's deeply in love and wants things to work to get over infidelity and give a second chance. With my ex, the second time was the last straw. Like your ex, I had the same exact reaction because it's like taking a second chance and throwing it away. Let him have his space. He sounds like he's still in love with you but doesn't want to get sucked into the lies and cheating again. He's trying to stand up for himself and do the right thing, since he believes you cheated.

 

If this is the ONLY reason for the breakup then you need to start showing some hardcore evidence that you did not cheat. That's all you can honestly do. Keep giving him space and try to show that you've been faithful. At the same time look out for your own mental and physical health, not only for yourself, but for your child.

[Jayru]

My gut tells me he is not seeing other people either, but of course I think about that possibility and very real chance that he may in the future find someone. You are right, I need to just go to the apartment and control what I can- myself!

[Jayru]

Yes indeed, we are done now. He has said it many times lol (ouch) I know that in order for me to really learn from this and change, mature... I need to do it on my own.. ALONE.

Its very hard not to bring US up... but for now I guess it is needed.

I think he reacted the way he did because it is the second time it happens, but this time was merely a text, I did not meet anyone anywhere.

THANK YOU! I love this forum, so glad I found this site.

[Jayru]

That is the FIRST time I have thought of showing him hard evidence that I didnt cheat! I think I will try that. But like you said, he is standing up for himself, and what he believes... so I want to respect his decision and need for space.

 

He doesnt want to hear me out. Calls me a liar, etc. This was the last straw as he already had told me I needed to mature and start acting more like a loving wife (he wanted me to text him throughout the day, call him, etc. but I have a VERY stressful busy job and most times work through lunch.)

 

He just felt unwanted, and this broke him...

[oitnb]

That is the FIRST time I have thought of showing him hard evidence that I didnt cheat! I think I will try that. But like you said, he is standing up for himself, and what he believes... so I want to respect his decision and need for space.

 

He doesnt want to hear me out. Calls me a liar, etc. This was the last straw as he already had told me I needed to mature and start acting more like a loving wife (he wanted me to text him throughout the day, call him, etc. but I have a VERY stressful busy job and most times work through lunch.)

 

He just felt unwanted, and this broke him...

 

Perhaps print out the phone bill, hard evidence ect and leave it out on the table the day you move out? So he can think on that while you work on yourself.

[Jayru]

Great idea!!! I will do, and the fact that Im doing it after I leave makes it seem like im not using it as an excuse to talk about US. But rather letting him make the decision to talk about it when he is ready.

[oitnb]

Great idea!!! I will do, and the fact that Im doing it after I leave makes it seem like im not using it as an excuse to talk about US. But rather letting him make the decision to talk about it when he is ready.

 

Yup! You got it.

[capilot]

This is a really sad story because you have a little girl in the middle of it.

 

You shouldn't have cheated on your boyfriend. You know that now. But you knew it at the time too, and you cheated anyway.

 

When you're trying to fix things after you've cheated, the absolutely most important thing for you to do is to break all -- and I mean ALL -- contact with the person you cheated with. You didn't do that. When the other man started contacting you again and sending you pictures, you had only two acceptable responses: 1) respond "never contact me again" and delete the messages, or 2) don't respond at all and delete the messages. Instead, you chose to keep the messages which tells me (and your boyfriend) that you still have interest in the other man.

 

You expect your boyfriend to believe that by pure amazing coincidence, the one time he checked your phone happened to be the one time the other man contacted you. The odds of that being true are very slim, and it's unlikely that your boyfriend would believe you. I'm not sure I believe you.

 

Try to imagine what's going through your boyfriend's head right now. He loved you, and supported you, and gave you everything in life. You preferred another man who did none of those things. How low your boyfriend must feel right now, knowing that his love was worth so much less than the other man's. And then he gave you a second chance because he loved you, and you repaid him by starting up again with the other man after just a few months. You want the other man so badly, that you'll risk everything to be with him. Your relationship with your boyfriend means so little to you that you'd risk it just for a chance with the other man.

 

(I'm not saying this is true, but it's what your boyfriend is thinking right now.)

 

If there wasn't a child involved, I'd be saying learn your lesson, take your licks, and move on with your life. But there's a child involved, and her life shouldn't be ruined.

 

Do whatever it takes to make this right for your daughter's sake. Cut off contact with the other man. Really do it this time, don't just say you did. Block his number. Delete his text messages unread. Delete his emails unread. Make him dead to you. Do what you should have done in the first place.

 

Get into couple's counseling. Do whatever it takes to keep him in his daughter's life. If you can't be lovers again, at least be friends again for her sake. And if it means standing helplessly by while he looks for someone new to love, well, that's the price you pay for your daughter's sake.

[capilot]

Perhaps print out the phone bill, hard evidence ect and leave it out on the table the day you move out? So he can think on that while you work on yourself.

 

When my girlfriend cheated, she offered to do that for me to prove she was no longer in contact with the other man. But I don't recall phone bills having a list of texts sent and received, so what would it prove?

[Jayru]

Knowing that I lost it all over someone who offered me nothing is really hard to take. I had no intentions of being with the other man (different state, in a relationship) Honestly I have known the other person for over 10 years, we have been family friends and nothing more than flirting now and then. My boyfriend had asked me to block that person's number last year, and because I knew this person was not really a threat to us and I had no intention of being with him, I didn't. I swept it under the rug. I see now how this was a slap in the face to my boyfriend.

 

It is very odd that my boyfriend looked through my phone the very night I got the text. I think he had been checking my phone since last year, and thinks I was erasing the messages and just forgot to delete this one. So I completely understand how it sounds and how he is feeling/what is going through his head. I would be doing and thinking the same.

 

You are exactly right, if we didn't have a daughter I would have moved out and sucked it up (or at least not be so so desperate to try and save it.) But the thought of her not having him with us everyday, US not being a unit, that kills me. he is an amazing father. And I know how much it is going to hurt him not to see her or do family things like we did.

 

 

Since the day he broke up with me, I changed my cell# blocked all male friends (the ones he doesn't know personally and aren't mutual friends) from my FB and whatnot. But like you say, I should've done it the first time, and when I told my ex this he said "too late."

 

I am doing now what I should've done the first time. My ex thinks I need counseling (not him) because I have issues that I need to work out myself before I can be in a healthy relationship. So I have an appt. with a therapist next week.

 

He just left to go sleep at his mom's again. He called me on his way there because he saw me in tears on the couch as my daughter played.

 

He said "You need to stop being so weak. No one is going to feel bad for you. You did this, now you need to step up and do what you need to do. By you being so sad and texting me all the time only makes me NOT want to be around you. You are making things worse. I can be here as your friend and nothing more right now. I will help you along the way but you need to stop depending on everyone else to help you up. You need to give me the space that I need right now. ok? Get some rest, have the baby sleep in the bed with you. She needs you. Focus on her right now. Get strong. Not for me, for HER. Do not think about us right now."

 

He is SO right. I need to snap out of this pity party. I DID THIS! That is hard to take.

[mbee]

When my girlfriend cheated, she offered to do that for me to prove she was no longer in contact with the other man. But I don't recall phone bills having a list of texts sent and received, so what would it prove?

 

Phone bills definitely include text messages, at least my phone bill does. I know this because right after the breakup, my phone broke and I was itching to see if I had missed any texts from my ex-boyfriend.

[mbee]

You'll get through this. Keep being strong. The breakup JUST happened so you are experiencing a lot of feelings at once. Be thankful he's willing to support you through this, which again, shows how much he loves and cares about you.

 

For the record, I am fairly sure that your ex has been looking at your phone almost every night. I did the same with my ex after he was unfaithful a year before we broke up. He never knew, but every time the phone was in site, I'd do a quick check. This is just another negative consequence of cheating and choosing to reconcile. The distrust lasts for a very long time.

 

Given how supportive your ex has been so far, I think you making the necessary changes, going to therapy and showing evidence once you move out will help tremendously. Keep being strong. You'll get through this.

[Jayru]

Thank you! My mind is telling me "You will get through this, you will NOT die from this. Life goes on." But then my heart is saying "But HOW are you going to be without him? He is the only person you have ever loved! 8 years!! you are going to give up?! Fight for it!"

 

But I have to listen to what he is saying. He is being brutally honest. I am making him NOT want to be around me when I nag and cry and plead. I am making things worse. I am showing my daughter that when things go wrong, it is ok to crumple up on the floor and stop living. I need to show her and myself that this will not break me.

 

He called me on the way home from his moms this morning at 7am asking what I wanted for breakfast. Asked me how I slept, how I was feeling. I replied "I feel better, finally got some sleep, getting ready for work now." He said "Good." We made small talk as we got ready for work. He hugged the baby and I goodbye as we left. That was it.

 

But to be honest, the only reason I got up this morning with no tears and kept from texting him all night... is because I hope that if I do what he wants "space, no tears, me to be strong" then that will make him come back to me.

I know I should be doing this for myself and my daughter, but I am only doing it to show him that I can be the woman he wants again.

[katiesarahh]

Knowing that I lost it all over someone who offered me nothing is really hard to take. I had no intentions of being with the other man (different state, in a relationship) Honestly I have known the other person for over 10 years, we have been family friends and nothing more than flirting now and then. My boyfriend had asked me to block that person's number last year, and because I knew this person was not really a threat to us and I had no intention of being with him, I didn't. I swept it under the rug. I see now how this was a slap in the face to my boyfriend.

 

Curious... you didn't actually physically cheat with this guy?? I'm not saying that lying about where you were/who you were with was a good idea, honesty is always the most important foundation in a relationship because it builds trust, but if you didn't sleep with him... you didn't technically cheat... right?

 

Does your man have a jealous side? I've been with guys who've tried to control who I talk to and how many male friends I'm allowed to have and it's not OK. If this is an issue for him, he needs to work on himself before he can be in a relationship and truly be happy.

 

Stay strong, we've got your back girlie.

[mhowe]

OP cheated.

He bf is not controlling --- he is actually being quite mature about all of this, all things considered.

[Jayru]

No I didnt physically cheat. But according to my BF, lying, doing this behind his back, not putting these men in their place when they made comments= CHEATING. He says he doesnt trust me... and its so painful to try and try to convince him that I had no intention of being with anyone. But he is hurt, and he ended things. So what do I do now???

 

Thank you! Feeling a bit down at the moment, but it comes and goes. Every hour is different. Mornings are hardest and afternoons when I come home to an empty house now (well I have my daughter with me but its just her and I now.)

[Jayru]

He IS being SO mature about all of this. To him, I cheated, emotionally, mentally, etc. He lost the trust in me.

 

The fact that he is being so nice makes me feel even worse if that makes sense. It makes me feel lower than dirt. "Look at him, he is great, YOU ruined this Jackie, YOUR selfishness.. now deal with it!"

 

I think that is harder to deal with than anything else.

[capilot]

You expect your boyfriend to believe that by pure amazing coincidence, the one time he checked your phone happened to be the one time the other man contacted you.

 

Actually, I should qualify that. I think it's quite possible that your boyfriend was checking your phone on a regular basis, in which case it's not surprising at all that he found the message on the one day your other man sent it. This may indicate that your boyfriend was highly suspicious of you, or that he was hoping to find an excuse to break up with you. If that's the case, it's something to think about.

[capilot]

No I didnt physically cheat.

 

Oh, crud. I missed this part before. Your boyfriend is right to be furious that you lied to him, but if you didn't actually cheat on him, then I suspect he's either a raging control freak, or was looking for an excuse to break up with you.

[HeartGoesOn]

Oh, crud. I missed this part before. Your boyfriend is right to be furious that you lied to him, but if you didn't actually cheat on him, then I suspect he's either a raging control freak, or was looking for an excuse to break up with you.

 

I have to disagree with this. Cheating is not a one size fits all, so to speak, and just because it wasn't physical, it doesn't excuse the betrayal of trust, which is the glue that holds a relationship together.

 

IMO, he has more than a valid reason for reacting in this way, and to label him a "raging control freak" is an extreme injustice.

[katiesarahh]

He IS being SO mature about all of this. To him, I cheated, emotionally, mentally, etc. He lost the trust in me.

 

The fact that he is being so nice makes me feel even worse if that makes sense. It makes me feel lower than dirt. "Look at him, he is great, YOU ruined this Jackie, YOUR selfishness.. now deal with it!"

 

I think that is harder to deal with than anything else.

 

All you can do right now is stop blaming yourself and work on forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes, some are easily corrected and some aren't. Do not by any standard hold it over yourself forever. Do the best you can, apologize for your mistakes, forgive yourself and move forward. That's the best you can do in any situation. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Remember that!!

[Maitrelavire]

To be honest with you, I would not put all of this guilt and shame on yourself. From what you stated here you did not do any thing wrong. You cut off contact with this person then they reached out to you 1 year later and sent you a picture. Now what the full conversation was I'm not sure but if that was just it there was no fault done on your part. If theres more to the story then thats something else but from what you said, your not in the wrong so don't beat yourself up about it. And your ex to be constantly looking through your phone has some issues himself he needs to settle. Give it time but i think when things cool down you both need to be able to talk and be receptive to each other because this situation really sounds blown out of proportion to me.