I wasted my life. I can't cope with it anylonger. [very long]

[mesmerized]

Hello.

 

I think I should begin by saying - thanks for dropping by. Although I'm quite sure I won't be able to include here everything I want to share, I hope at least some of you will bear with me until the very last word. Another thing that has to be placed at the very beginning is the fact that the reason why I'm writing this is because I'm losing hope to struggle against this whole mess and I can't see any way out of it. I know I shouldn't but I'm considering this post to be a kind of last-ditch attempt to find a way out. Let me just make one thing clear. Not even one word here should be treated as complaint. I'm neither moaning nor complaining here.

 

I'm a 29 years old European. My body is still functioning but I feel my mind is gone. It's hard to find the right words to describe the feelings running to and fro in my head. The problem is that I can't stop them. They've been literally destroying me bit by bit, draining of any life energy I've had in me like an unstoppable black hole. I've lost the direction. The world seems to have a lot to offer but I just feel more and more overwhelmed. I think I'll divide this post into two sections - career and dreams on the one hand and personal life on the other.

 

I'm a teacher. My major was ESL Education and English and American Literature. To cut a long story short, I left my homeland because I've always been a rolling stone and sought opportunities to enrich my personal experience in terms of different cultures. What's more, my own country didn't have much to offer job-wise to be frank. Right now I'm in China and I've been here for nearly 2 years. I'm not a native speaker so finding a job here is not easy, especially a well-paid job. Even though I've got a lot of experience and theoretical background to back me up I stand no chance against people carrying passports with the American eagle on the front cover. I don't mean to brag here 'cause I'm usually quite modest but I've been told by my students that my classes have really given them something, that their language skills have improved significantly. I've been told my classes are vivid, interesting and well-organized as compared those conducted by some of my co-workers. Even though I've been told many times that I'm a truly good teacher and the feedback from students has been more than positive, I'm easily replacable in China because it's the face that matters, not your skills. Asia is like a magnet for loads of different people, including brilliant educators on the one hand and, unfortunately, a lot of riff-raff on the other. Again, I'm not saying I'm god-knows who and I easily admit that there are areas of language that native-speakers handle much better than I even if they lack relevant educational background in the field of teaching. As a matter of fact, after so many years of polishing my language skills, there are still things that surprise me as far as English is concerned. Anyway, that's not the main point. My life here is devoid of any stability and I don't even like the place anymore. I've developed a strong dislike for the city I'm in (due to many various reasons, having been robbed being one of them) In terms of development it's far behind cities like Shanghai for instance. The air pollution is a serious problem in China especially in its northern part. But most importantly... I've realized that in terms of my career, I'm not moving onward. In fact, I feel I'm regressing. Sadly, I've also come to a conclusion that teaching is not what I want to do till the end of my days. Actually... it's been harder and harder for me to teach effectively. I used to have a lot of passion for teaching but after over 5 years I've found myself in a mental rut and I guess the burnout effect kicked in.

 

I really don't know what to do. I've been considering going to Canada since being in an English-speaking country has always been my dream. I've been also considering going back to university but studying in English speaking countries is really expensive. I'm panicking because I'm getting older and older and my life is a mess and lack any stability whatsoever. If I decided to take up PhD-level studies, I'd finish at the age of 34 or 35 (provided that anyone would be interested in helping me get financial aid) Frankly speaking I don't even know how I could apply for a PhD. I don't believe I'm able to obtain such a high degree as I haven never published any articles in any journals or periodicals. Most of my students get what they want... Or what their parents want. Education in the US, top universities... Bright future.

 

I feel lost, and sick and tired of being... sick and tired. I worry ALL THE TIME, my EX GF couldn't stand it and left (but that's quite a different story) Every evening, after work, all I get is hundreds of thoughts that strike me hard. How long can I be worried? I've even noticed gray hair here and there and people tell me I look like a shadow of my former self. One day it got so bad that my whole body felt numb, I lost control over my hands, couldn't even tighten my fists. If my friend hadn't been there for me to look after me and take me to the hospital for a med-check, god knows what would have happened. I can't even describe how it feels... It's like being in a cage... Your try to get out of it but the bars won't budge. And you try to tear them apart but all you end up with is broken limbs... You can't escape. I've had suicidal thoughts and I'm trying hard not to indulge in any stimulants but I've noticed that alcohol sometimes calms me down a bit, but sometimes it leads to an even worse state of mind.

 

To put it bluntly... I feel like worthless piece of... nothing. I feel as if my life was lost and time wasted. It's hard to stop auto-destructive thoughts but I'm trying to control myself. Still, I can't see any future at all. I'm just getting older and older and things are only getting worse. I'll skip the part about personal life because it's as messed up as what I've written so far.

 

Just like I thought... I couldn't describe even 1/4 of what I had in mind.

[lerenard]

Hey there, thanks for posting!

First of all - I understand how you feel, even though I am only 23, sometimes I feel like life is over for me and the fun part of it is gone, there is nothing in the future that inspires me and this apathy and on the other hand worry is just too much. I was in this stage for year and a half after a very stressful growing-up period in my life that lasted from 16 to 21. I feel like I lost my precious time on worries and fear.

My advice for you will be to move on. In all the meanings - move on. Change where you live, change how you live. You said it yourself - "being in an English-speaking country has always been my dream", so go after that dream. I think being a good teacher at 29 and having some experience in other countries is good enough for now, later if you still want to study - do it.

I am still struggling with a similar problem to yours, but its your stage of mind that needs to be changed, after that everything starts to come to its place. Meditating and running is also good to clear your head from these worries, fears. You have a bright future ahead of you if you dare to go and pursue it. Good luck to you!

[perennial]

Thank you for posting this and I must say I was among some of those lucky readers who actually read the entire post, for it was beautifully written, though sorrowful for the most part. You write really well, and are good at expressing yourself. Even though you cannot describe even 1/4 of what you have in your mind, for the situation even beggars description, your words actually tugged at my heart strings.

 

I am an Indian, 23, and English has always been my favorite subject. Though not as matured, experienced and old as you are, even I seem to be going through the same phase of life. Till now, my life has largely been marred by career failures and relationship mishaps. As larlequin rightly said, you should begin the reform process by changing things around you. Places, lifestyle, and I would go to the extent of listing even things like clothes, and fragrances that you use which should be changed.

 

I have heard that in places like those in Asia, native English teachers are in great demand. Try developing some contacts with some over linkedin or other social networking forums. Even in my country, according to a recent survey, about 49% of the fresh graduates lack the required English language skills needed to get in to the corporate sector. With such a scenario, I am sure there is a demand for some good language trainers like you. I can understand how frustrating it might be getting for you by not being able to achieve the thing you ever envisaged for yourself, which has also resulted in your interest in your profession gradually waning. But I encourage you not to give up. Not to give up !

 

You may wanna read about experience in Canada and life in general:

 

Lastly, I would like to quote Edison, that has motivated me in my darkest period: "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." !!

[Purusha]

Hey mesmerized,

 

Woah - just how much pressure are you piling on yourself?!

 

I find it worrying about the physical symptoms you're experiencing, you've obviously become very anxious and depressed and I would strongly advise that you get some professional help for that. There are so many coping mechanisms that you can use to start to overcome how you're feeling and turn your life around.

 

I know that it feels like a cage, but it really isn't but you have become trapped in a cycle in your mind that you need to be able to break out of if you want to move on. Your mind is incredibly powerful, and it is the only thing that will help to release you here.

 

Worrying can become addictive, especially when you're frightened to move left or right - it becomes a reason to stand still and not move on, and eventually it feels impossible that you can move on.

 

Learning how to relax and not overthink is a great skill that you can learn, and one I think that would be really important for you to let go of your anxiety. The usual meditation and mindfulness is really helpful to do this, but anything that makes you let go and not think is good for you. Physical activity also works for some people if you find it difficult to sit and not think for a while, however I would recommend learning meditation and mindfulness as you can use it absolutely anywhere and it really helps to train your perspective and learn to detach from your negativity to reach a better place.

 

You talk about so many thoughts coming at you that you feel unable to control - mindfulness specifically deals with this, and you can learn how to control your thoughts from here. You may think that you unconsciously control your own thoughts, but you really don't, they're quite random and if you're in a negative place you will find that they can easily overwhelm you if you don't keep them in check. This sounds difficult, but it really isn't, it's about letting go and relaxing - it doesn't sound like you're too used to doing this and I do feel it'd do you the world of good to learn how to do it. It's a tool that you can use to give your brain and your body some space from all of the things that your mind is currently bombarding you with.

 

If you choose to undertake therapy there are lots of skills that you can learn in order to reduce your level of worry, a great trick is making things smaller (this is also a good way to be able to see how much your own mind influences how you feel and react, and the way that you see things): picture something that you're worried about, whether it's work, relationships, whatever. Get a really good vivid picture, full colour, sound, the works - concentrate on the details and get it as bold as you can. Picture yourself in the scene, again as vividly as you can. Slowly start to make yourself bigger, bolder, brighter - conversely make the scene smaller and smaller, reduce the colour slowly until it starts to fade to black and white, the sound duller. Picture yourself towering above the scene, larger than life and more vividly than ever - you can enhance this by picturing yourself laughing, or dancing, anything that makes you feel lighter. This is a great technique for altering your perspective.

 

In your post there are a lot of 'I can't', 'trapped' etc - this is ALL your perspective that's screwed up - if you continue to allow this to happen the only thing that you will see is the negative, bad stuff and you're bound to feel overwhelmed. When this is what consumes your mind you will selectively view everything around you in a negative context, you're effectively training your mind to only view your surroundings in one context only.

 

At this point, I'm not sure how you can make a clear decision on what you want to do - but you do have options and you must remember that. Finishing your PHD at 34/35 is no biggie, if that's what you want to do it'll serve you well - 34/35 really isn't old - you'll have a good 30 years of your career after that to do whatever you want. The world has huge variety of the things that you can do, however I would recommend getting your head straight before making an absolute decision.

 

This sounds like it's been an ongoing problem for you for quite some time, and it's hit an apex - deal with it now and it'll serve you for years to come.

 

I hope things work out for you, you've got so much going for you, you just worry about it too much - time to give the brain a chill pill.

[NIN2000]

I was also a teacher and after 3 years began to feel as you do. I would wake up everyday and regret that I wasted my life, education and energy on a field that offers no stability. However, in your case things might seem brighter because you enjoy what you do and there are numerous teaching career's available all over the world.

 

If you do enjoy what you do and are a good ESL/English teacher then follow your dreams and move to an English speaking country. ESL/English teachers are needed everywhere even in America. Every South American, Asian and European country would love to have your skills.

[Edmund Exley]

Wasted your life? I didn't even start my life until I turned 30

[SooSad33]

Would be good if you could SEE the 'good' in yourself, first of all.

You have been able to move about in this great big world, your students told you how well of a teacher you are!

Sounds like you need a career change and to move on now though. Go for it!

 

Maybe you're mentally & emotionally exhausted. That can very well happen and to the point it's driven your partner away? Awww, sorry!

So then why don't you look at moving out from the 'Negative rutt' you're in now and make YOUR LIFE something better.

Now sure where you're from in (europe?). I am in Canada and I've taken a year in college for healthcare- i did get help with a 'student loan'.

We have family in Norway and apparently they are covered? Check that out, maybe, if you want to keep travelling and they are awesome for use of the 'English language' over there.

You've got a 'confused' mind. Try 'sleepytime tea', if it's there (well tis china) or look for 'Melatonin' (pharmacy). It's natural to help 'Boost' you off to sleep. Remember, sleep is something you do need, okay.

 

One day at a time.. to work on you. Do some thinking of making some big changes. Seems you've gone very negative in your life in which some things need to be dealt with and changed now, is all.

You Can Do it!

Don't Be harsh with yourself though, okay. Yes, you may have some things to deal with, we all do- believe me *sigh*. Life is NOT always a bowl of cherries, they say here.

So- start thinking about some changes your going to make. Do you need a bit of counselling? need to shut the brain off for a while- get some decent sleep. Look into schooling but not there...etc.

Keep us informed.. good luck

[emma34]

Just want to say I sympathize with you. I'm 26 and constantly question my career choice to the point where I obsessively look up school programs and job websites sometimes all day. I think I agree with someone above who said that worry can be addicting in a way. The thing is, your career, your job, your home, these things will never fill you up all the way...half the battle I think is perspective. You are burnt out, it is time to move on...it's okay, it's not the end of the world, no one said it would be easy. My advice is not to pursue PhD unless you truly are passionate about it...if you don't like the area of research, you will find it terribly difficult to keep up. Canada is a great place to live...I recommend it if you are looking for something different, but the employment market for teachers is over saturated.

 

The feeling of dread and worry you have comes from more than just your career/employment woes. This is an emotional/psychological thing that needs to be worked out, unfortunately it's compounded with the career thing as well. I relate to this very much. I recommend counselling. Your insanity truly is #1. If you must, take time for your yourself, whatever you need to do...don't worry so much about regression...this is character buildling...people often change their careers throughout life many times...

[mesmerized]

Thanks everyone for your priceless insights. I've read each and every post twice and I'd like to drop a line or two now.

 

I find it worrying about the physical symptoms you're experiencing, you've obviously become very anxious and depressed and I would strongly advise that you get some professional help for that.

 

Dear Perusha, as for the therapy... in China it's absolutely impossible. I've been fighting with mood swings since I was 21 or 22. At a certain point I had meetings with a psychologist but I can't say they were fruitful. Even though she was a good one, she just couldn't help me. Then I started taking lots of different meds. Gosh, I guess it's easier to name what I haven't swallowed than what I have. I realized two things, namely that meds were just a temporary solution and that nothing helps me better than satisfaction and knowledge of possibility. My favorite sentences goes like this "Knowledge of the possible is the beginning of happiness I'm very reluctant to take any meds again. I don't want to experiment with my health anymore. I strongly believe that external factors determine my happiness. I know that most of you will say that I have to "love myself and feel happiness from the inside" but that's not how things work for me. If I had a good perspective on my future life (i.e. "knowledge of the possible") either in the area of my personal life or career then I'd worry far, far less. On top of that, I've noticed a lump on my back that has been getting bigger for some time. Some folks here told me to see a doctor as it might be caner-related. Yeah, you are right, worrying completely ruins my health.

 

However, in your case things might seem brighter because you enjoy what you do and there are numerous teaching career's available all over the world. If you do enjoy what you do and are a good ESL/English teacher then follow your dreams and move to an English speaking country. ESL/English teachers are needed everywhere even in America. Every South American, Asian and European country would love to have your skills.

 

Dear Nin, in all honesty, it's hard to say whether I still like teaching or not. Actually, I sometimes can't stand my job. It goes to extremes... and feelings of absolute hatred kick in. I don't have what I need most - professional development. No possibility of being promoted. Nothing like that. As for different locations... I don't want to jump countries. If I choose one, it'll be the last one. I'm nearly 30. My friends already have wives, some have children. I don't want to end up like some of my co-workers here... 45 or 56, single, alone... Some of them want to be like Peter Pan, some of them make me feel sick as they even sleep with their students regardless of their age. It just makes me sick. Some of them advised me to get a position at one of the universities here because I'm quoting "even though the pay is you can get fringe benefits if you know what I mean... girls just love white guys there" I'm an idealist. I wanted to believe that the world is not so f... up.

 

Schools here pay more attention to marketing possibilities rather than qualifications. Heaps of unqualified workers make easy money here (and in Asia in general) and students come from well-off families that only have one goal - to send their offspring to the US/Canada/UK/Australia. All of my students are going to the US for at least 5 or 8 years. Then they get citizenship of green card or parents just pay for investment immigration. I hate working with those teenagers. They are usually spoiled and full of themselves. Most of them study hard, I give them that, and get top score in SAT, TOEFL and AP exams. They will never return to China.

 

Let's consider facts first. The older I get, the harder it's going to be to get a job. I can't count on any pension in the future because I've been always on the move like a rolling stone. I really wish I could move to an English speaking country and try my luck there but at this point I have no idea how to do it.

 

Would be good if you could SEE the 'good' in yourself, first of all.

You have been able to move about in this great big world, your students told you how well of a teacher you are!

Sounds like you need a career change and to move on now though. Go for it!

 

Maybe you're mentally & emotionally exhausted. That can very well happen and to the point it's driven your partner away?

 

Dear SooSad33, I don't see any 'good' in myself in all honesty. I don't have skills that are required by the job market. Let's face it, language abilities are nothing in the modern world. I majored in Education and American/English Literature and that limits my options. I was hoping I could go for a PhD because it was supposed to be my own way of proving myself "I can, I'm not worthless" but I realized that I'm far less smart than PhD students. Look, I've tried to read and understand Heidegger's Being and Time and failed. I've tried to embrace Husser's concept of phenomenology and failed. Derrida's critical approach to literature also proved to be extremely challenging. I'm not a genius and I have never published any articles in any journals so I don't think any professor would be interested in taking me under his/her wings. Nonetheless, it'd make me happy to work with such bright people and students who share the same passion about literature.

 

Yes, I lost the girl I truly loved. Now she's with someone else. A handsome guy from Brazil. I'm getting older and older. I used to look quite good. Now I'm just a shadow of who I used to be.

 

I see no way of changing my life. The place I live in is so polluted that sometimes you can't even see blue skies. In wintertime you just see smog and nothing else. This city is so dirty and polluted that wearing a white shirt turns it into a gray shirt. Sometimes when you walk you see that buildings ahead are covered in some kind of "foggy" haze... As if there was a layer of something in the air. You can actually see little particles in the air and feel how they fall onto your face. People wear masks on really bad days. After all, China is notorious for lung cancer death ratio. I really hate when my students send me pictures from places like Uni of Yale, Berkeley, Bath or Durham in England or UBC in Vancouver (my dream place) Why can't I be there? Why did I waste my life?

 

I work 7 days a week because this place doesn't offer any "fun" and work is the only way to keep my mind off. I can't go to a concert like I used to go in my country, I don't really have true friends here, just co-workers who are either too old to go out or are freak-shows or are married and stay home. My life is like a pattern: home-work-home. Always. Every day. Every bloody day. People normally go out, have some fun, try to entertain themselves, spend time with their friends, grab a beer.

 

This isn't life guys. This is hell. Life shouldn't be about work only. I hardly have time for my hobbies because I usually fall asleep after work. What about love? How long can a man be alone?

 

I've been robbed in China and lost everything I had at that time.

I lost the only girl I truly loved in my life.

I dislike (or even hate) my job.

My career doesn't exist.

I can't really go back to my country because I'll end up unemployed or with a starvation wage.

I feel disappointed by how my life turned out.

I don't even know if I'm employed because I'm white or because I can really teach.

I'm terribly alone here without any personal life.

 

I'm gradually falling into the abyss and it's harder and harder to push the sadness away. Sometimes sorrow just kicks in and I see less and less reasons why I shouldn't just put a bullet through my head. What's the point anyway? Is life supposed to be just like that? Full of darkness? How many years more can I be fighting with myself? Perhaps it's not the right place to discuss such things. After all, I wanted to get some advice on career... I wish I could study again... but at my age it might not be such a good idea. I don't know how else I can change my career profile though. I envy those kids so much. Yale? Wow. Bath? Wow. Sydney? Wow. NYC? Wow. UBC... Wow.

 

The only positive thing is that I'm making relatively good money here. 4-5 times more than I'd be making in my country. Well, the fact that I'm relatively healthy is another positive factor but my appearance and health are far worse then they used to be anyway.

 

I'm so lost in this madness that without someone turning my head into some possibilities I'm afraid I'll worry myself to death.

[londonbridge]

I've been where you are now. I used to teach in a small village in Japan for about 3 years and at that time also felt unsure and worried about what I was doing and at the same time I also lost the love of my life. I mean, who hasn't experienced losing the "one" in their twenties? When it happened, I couldn't eat for a month and certainly considered suicide. I had no friends there(not even enotalone b/c I didn't know it existed yet) just coworkers who I didn't feel comfortable speaking to about personal things. Thank goodness I didn't do anything drastic.

 

Like you, I was isolated, far from family and friends, far from home in a strange foreign land. When you're isolated, you start to become more critical of yourself and of others. Heck, I even started talking to myself because I was so lonely. Too much time alone means too much time to wallow. If you're able to take action, even a very small step, you'll start the engines to get some sense of control over your life and future again.

 

What also helps, is reaching out to old and trusted friends or family. Family and friends you've grown up with will keep you grounded. If you haven't talked to any of them, do it. Also, how long has it been since you've gotten a hug? I think that's one of the things I missed the most when I was living in Japan all alone. So here's a virtual hug for you!!!

 

The way you are thinking right now about "making something out of yourself" is normal. Most people start to look back and evaluate their life as they near the big 3-0. If it helps, I'm 30 years old and definitely don't have a career, it's just a job that pays the bills. I was really stressed out about not having a "career" or "family" like my friends around my 30th birthday.

 

But, at the same time, you know what? I had a really amazing life in my twenties, doing things that most of my career oriented peers have never gotten the chance to do or are too scared to do. At this point, they won't get to travel or live in a foreign country until they're retired since most of them are strapped with kids and mortgages. Meanwhile, I've traveled the world, had beautiful experiences and met amazing people along the way that I would never had gotten the chance to meet. Some of them are good friends of mine now and I can't imagine life without them.

 

By not rushing into a career, I got the chance to experiment with different options. For example, I wanted to become an "artist" and pursued a career in that when I was around 28. My artwork was popular and I got very close to winning some prestigious art fellowships. I ended up not actually getting the fellowship, but the fact that a newbie on the scene like me even made it to the final rounds was cool! Eventually I decided being an artist was not what I really wanted to do with my life. It was a great learning experience nonetheless. At 29, giving up on art, I began to search within myself as well as research online about what I wanted to do in life career-wise.

 

Honestly, before 29, I had NEVER even thought about my future or what I wanted to be. I think for one fleeting moment at 18 years old, I dreamed about being a designer. But I never seriously considered it because I never thought it would be possible for me(namely my parents would disapprove). So before age 29, I had just gone with the flow, wherever the wind blew me. lol. I lived in the moment, and honestly, my youth and twenties were so fulfilling I never gave a moment's thought to my future.

 

But obviously, things change as you grow older. As depressed as I was before when I was turning 30 and felt insecure about my life, right now, as I'm about to turn 31 in a couple months, I love thinking about my future! It's the first time I've ever seriously considered what kind of career I'd actually want to do and enjoy doing. So far, I've narrowed it down to "interaction design" and for the second career, if I get bored of the first one, is to become a shoe designer. 10 years ago, 5 years ago, heck, even 1 year ago, I NEVER would have thought I'd be interested in interaction design -but the more I researched about it, the more I got excited. ME, learning programming languages, lol. None of my friends would recognize me. In fact, I haven't really told any of them because they have such a strong impression of me being a "starving artist" that for me to suddenly be into programming will be fairly shocking to them. On the other hand, if I told them about my shoe design interest, they'd digest it more easily. Change and variety is the spice of life if you ask me.

 

Like others stated above, you need a change! Even if you decide you want to stay in China for the good pay, why don't you move to a bigger city to teach? I'm sure with your experience, you'd qualify for a good position in Beijing, Shanghai or even Hong Kong? Or why not go to Taiwan, Korea or Japan to teach English? You have so many options in Asia!

 

However, since you do want to teach in an English speaking country, why not apply to Australia? Here's a website I found that accepts european citizens for the working holiday program. It's a one year program but it's possible to extend it to a second year. I know you want to stay forever in the next country you go to, so this temporary working program may not be ideal. However, you never know who'll you'll meet in Australia and what other jobs you might be able to apply for there while you're working in their program. The program is for people 18 -30 years old, so you've still got a chance! Take it, if you want it!

 

link removed

(note: I don't personally know anyone who's tried the Australian working program, so I can't say if it's great or not. But it's something! And, if you do more online research, you might be able to find other Australian working/teaching programs)

 

There's so many opportunities out there for you if you can find it. It just takes a lot of patience and research! Sometimes a cursory search on Google works like a charm too! You're so young still, take advantage of your youth. An old fogey like myself just won't get the same opportunities like you young people in your twenties. ;-)

 

Example, when I was researching schools for shoe design, I found a great one in Italy. The school even provided a competition where a person could win a scholarship that paid for your entire tuition and lodging at their school -but you had to be younger than 30 years. So boo hoo for me. Regardless, even without the scholarship, I plan to save up enough so that I can eventually attend it. It's going to take me at least 3-5 years! But, at least I have a dream now, something I never nurtured before! Hope my stories help! Take care of yourself, reconnect with your family, and get yourself out of that terrible job!

[Lonewing]

I really hate when my students send me pictures from places like Uni of Yale, Berkeley, Bath or Durham in England or UBC in Vancouver (my dream place) Why can't I be there? Why did I waste my life?

 

I envy those kids so much. Yale? Wow. Bath? Wow. Sydney? Wow. NYC? Wow. UBC... Wow.

 

Why can't you be there?

 

Start planning and GO!

[Purusha]

Hey mes,

 

After what you've said in both of your threads, I agree that you need a change of scene and I don't think that changing your location would do anything but good for you - what have you got to stay for? If you have the means to I would seriously start looking around for a different place to be that offers more of what you're looking for.

 

I agree that meds aren't the answer to stuff like this (some people it helps to be able to clear the emotional fog to think about problems clearly, but I don't believe it solves problems on it's own), and sometimes it just takes one positive step to get the ball rolling - start looking and planning, find things that make you excited about what could be. Life doesn't end because you make one decision that you became unhappy with, it's always changing and people will change paths many times in their lives for exactly this reason.

 

Sometimes when you overthink everything, it's easy to blame yourself for the circumstances that you find yourself in and the worse you feel about yourself, the more that you doubt your ability to be able to get to grips with it, then you wonder why you feel that way, you feel worse, your doubt yourself more, it's a vicious circle.

 

There is no good and bad, there is only what is - if you can, try and accept where you are currently, don't overthink about the whys and wherefores, that's really not important, your focus should really be on what you want to do now.

 

Your desires have changed, your outlook has changed, that's normal, but rather than thinking about all of the stuff that you don't want (which will debilitate you and put you totally in the wrong place to move forward) why not try thinking about what you do want and figuring out the best way to get there.

 

As for right now, you won't feel great right away because you're still in a place that you don't want to be, but if you start to focus on anything in your life that makes you feel better than you currently do and build on those moments and those influences, piece by piece (no matter how small) it will be easier to focus your attention on even better feelings later on.

[mesmerized]

Why can't you be there?

 

Start planning and GO!

 

Why can't I be there? Because I don't have 25,000 GBP/USD/AUD. Studying in the UK is very expensive and as far as I know the US is even more pricey. What's more, I can't just go to the US/Canada. I can't work there legally. If you tell the immigration officer you want to find a job in the US, they'll NEVER grant you a visa...

[Lonewing]

If you focus on the glossy pages, there's always a bigger boat...

 

5K, 10K. How long will it take to save, to plan? You need the time to plan anyways, and at least the planning will give you something to inspire you to move forward. You're on the same single track that has killed a generation in the US, this idea that these studies are the secret to success. You've been teaching English in China for what, five years?!

 

If this is what you can do, then stick to it but go somewhere else.

 

Either way, right now you have to keep it in perspective. We all with we had a huge luxury yacht in this life, but most of us only have a dingy or if we're lucky, a little rowboat, and we're stuck between wearing our clothes or using our clothes to make a sail.

 

If you have found the problem, you can make a solution, you just have to start looking outward.

[mesmerized]

Thanks for the comment Lonewing. Hope you and others will spare a minute or two to have a close look at this post. Sorry for the length but I really want to depict everything clearly.

 

You're on the same single track that has killed a generation in the US, this idea that these studies are the secret to success. You've been teaching English in China for what, five years?!

 

You see, here's the peculiar thing. I don't need studies to open the door to success. I need studies because ever since I became fairly mature I've found great pleasure in studying and acquiring knowledge. For some twisted reason, it's one of the few things that gives me a bang... a charge. I wanted to study for myself. All of a sudden I'm going to hit 30 soon and time is running out. I love studying. I love gaining knowledge.

 

No, I've been teaching in China for 2 years. I'd been trying to save as much as I can EVERY month and at the same time I'd been helping my family in Europe. Then I got robbed here. Lost everything I had in the apartment which cost me a lot emotionally (I was being robbed at the very same time I was helping my EX GF to get to the hospital in the middle of the night 'cause she was having a serious infection) and financially and I had to restart my head afterwards. I do have some savings but I'm nowhere near what I'd need.

 

Look, I'm in a 2nd-class place, where native-speakers don't need ANY qualifications. Let alone your passion for teaching. Nothing. I used to work with folks who made spelling mistakes in every single sentence that included 2-syllable words. I'm FAR from being perfect but I've been trying to improve every single aspect of my teaching for such a long time and it's WORTHLESS here. That being said, 95% of employers reject my applications based on the fact that I'm not a native speaker.

 

I got a job in a place which is (supposedly) the best school in this city. There's me and another foreigner. He's Australian, 56 years old. Because of his age, even though he's well-educated, he can't find a job in the prime cities. We are here to teach AP-level courses but guess what? The bloody classrooms don't even have functioning computers! The printer doesn't have ink, we are not provided with textbooks, NOTHING. We've even been asked to design a dummy-syllabus so that the supervising institution can keep their mouth shut but in reality we're not to follow it! I objected to that very strongly because I'm not going to take part in some kind of wicked plot. It's ALL messed up. All of it. It's all on our shoulders and at the end of the day WE (not the f... management) are the ones who have to face the students and do the job. Except for we can't. How can I take responsibility for teaching those kids anything if things just don't work well here. You'd say "quit the job and go somewhere else." The only reason I'm here is because I can get a fairly decent salary (about 2500USD). I don't know if it's much for US citizens but for me it's quite a lot. At least I can save something. So that's a plus. Still, compared to HK, it's pretty low and the working environment is just incomparable.

 

Someone here said I could teach in Japan or even Hong Kong. I have tried to apply for various positions in both and either got no reply at all or a short "We accept native speakers only. Kind regards"

 

If I had a degree from a top-30 or top-50 uni then perhaps they would regard me as a worthy candidate. Look, they don't even pay attention to my degrees (BA, MA) They value a 100-hour online training course MORE than a university degree!

 

If this is what you can do, then stick to it but go somewhere else.

 

Well, I could go back to my homeland and earn 5 times less. I'm here because at least I can survive on my own and help others. A friend of mine is a teacher in a public school. She still has to live with her parents because there's no way she can afford a small studio with that kind of salary. I do admit that China gives me much more financial independence and thus, I don't want to say anything bad about this country (well, at least I'm trying not to) but it's still what many Americans would consider as "peanuts"

 

most of us only have a dingy or if we're lucky, a little rowboatIf you have found the problem, you can make a solution, you just have to start looking outward.

 

Fair enough. I'd be happy with a little rowboat as long as I can tell myself "I did it, I got what I wanted, I got my degree, I have something in this little head of mine"

 

Anyway, I don't know how to overcome some obstacles. I can't just fly to Canada/Australia/the US because those countries have strict immigration policies. Look, I work with kids who are going to study at best Ivy League unis because their parents can afford it and most of them are aiming at getting green card/citizenship for their kids. After 5 years in the US, it's not a problem for them to obtain it.

 

So that's why I have no bloody idea how to achieve what I wish to achieve. We are all encouraged to chase after our dreams but it's all nice and easy just on paper. Facts influence my mood, not the other way round.

 

Fact 1 - I don't have a degree from one of the recognizable unis.

Fact 2 - Teaching is not what I want to do (unless I have to and could be treated with due respect and do it in a place that can offer elementary teaching-friendly environment. In other words, I want to contribute, not just be part of the marketing deparment for low-class private institutes without any possibility of participating in shaping the teaching process)

Fact 3 - Immigration to the US/Canada/Australia is probably impossible judging by the regulations.

Fact 4 - I'm not a native speaker of English (which limits my options drastically)

Fact 5 - Age does matter to employers whether I like it or not.

Fact 6 - All my work experience comes from teaching (which, I assume, many employers don't consider as valuable)

 

If you have any advice I'd be very happy to hear/read it.

 

PS. On a slightly different note, here's a quote from my co-worker who just went off because of lack of basic equipement. I can't blame the guy... I feel the same way about what the school is doing. Surprisingly he didn't use too many f-words.

 

"It's really bad Kevin! The printer doesn't have ink, the computers don't work. How the hell am I supposed to teach those kids? How am I supposed to use PPTs? This is supposed to be the best school in this province and nothing works here! I can't even do my job because the internet goes on and off every 5 minutes! Bloody hell"

[mesmerized]

You know what? I'm preparing a class on Jamestown and early colonies. I was trying to print out materials for the students as they haven't been given a textbook and... ha, no paper! They finally have some ink, but there's no paper! I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated. Ignore this post.

 

Anyway, I'd LOVE to teach history and literature somewhere else, at university level. That'd be the best job ever.

[mesmerized]

I hope you haven't abandoned me yet...

[mesmerized]

hello... ?

[lavenderdove]

>>>My body is still functioning but I feel my mind is gone. It's hard to find the right words to describe the feelings running to and fro in my head. The problem is that I can't stop them. They've been literally destroying me bit by bit, draining of any life energy I've had in me like an unstoppable black hole. I've lost the direction. The world seems to have a lot to offer but I just feel more and more overwhelmed. I think I'll divide this post into two sections - career and dreams on the one hand and personal life on the other.

 

OK, what you described there is classic depression with possible bi-polar aspects with racing thoughts. this is a biochemical illness that will not be cured by talk therapy alone. If you have been experiencing mood swings since your early 20s, that is also a classic sign since this illness usually starts in your late teens/early 20s.

 

this is a medical illness that is impacting your thoughts and moods and impressions of life, and you need to get it treated and SOON before you fall into the kind of depression that is responsible to people harming themselves. Your life is not hopeless at all and you are so young you could change your career a few more times and that would be NORMAL becuase most people do re-invent themselves several times during their lives. So just stop that negative self-talk becuase it is NOT TRUE and you are young have have potential to become happy and enjoy your life (where ever you are). Happiness is not induced by a PLACE but by the proper state of mind and proper brain biochemistry balance.

 

So staying in China if they don't have doctors to treat biochemical depression is probably not the answer for you. But if you can travel to somewhere you can get treatment for this disorder, then that is what you must do.

 

You are experiencing a lot of 'grass is greener' thoughts, or what i call 'anywhere but here' thinking, where you are bound and determined to want to be anywhere but where you are at the moment. People get depressed at Yale too! Depression is a separate problem than anything else you are doing with your life.

 

The only people I believe who have truly 'wasted their lives' are those who are incarcerated for life due to some kind of heinous crime. Anyone else, at any age, has the right to re-invent themselves and change their lives. And even people in jail have made miraculous life changes due to what they do with their time while in prison.

 

so the key is not what you could do at some nebulous time in the future in some other place where it all seems insurmountable to get there. I have to ask you one question: what do you intend to do TODAY to get you out of your rut and move you towards a brighter future? You are not going to accomplish any giant improvements or changes in one day, but big life changes are made by a series of small choices every single day that move you in the right direction!

 

If you are sitting in China where it is polluted and you are miserable and have no access to medical care, then the logical next step is to sit down and write out the SMALL steps to get you out of there. It might be as simple as saving money for a couple months, then booking a trip out back to your home place. Then once you are home, you get medical treatment until your depression lifts and you are thinking more clearly rather than in a fuzzy haze of racing and depressive thoughts.

 

Then you start to make plans. You instigate whether immigration to Canada is do-able or not. And what you might do to support yourself there. Education is a lifelong pursuit these days, where people of all ages return to school while working and learn new skills and degrees that get them a better job. And most people don't get their dream job right out of the gate, and it may take 10-20 years to get there.

 

So your problem is you seem to think that these things SHOULD have just plopped in your lap, and you are imagining that everyone somewhere else where you want to be is living a wonderful life when that is not true either. People who are fabulously wealthy can be depressed and miserable too. Depression is a MEDICAL illness, and though it does tend to cycle and can go away after perhaps a couple years of misery, it always comes back again if left untreated.

 

So first things first. Get your depression treated medically. It can take a bit to find the right medication, but you need to go to the doctor and get treated. Then start planning the SMALL steps that will lead you into a better life. And don't think that just moving to another country will blissfully fix this. It won't. Hard work on your part involving planning and researching and getting the proper education needed to get the job you want to have is necessary.

 

So start today. ACTIVELY start doing whatever it will take to get you out of China and into a place where your depression can be treated. And you immediatley start researching the immigration laws of anywhere you want to go, and whether it is possible or not to go there. Canada is a good choice! But you probably need certain educational credentials to get in. So research that. And if Canada is not good, then try somewhere else, or even sit down and realistically decide what needs to happen to make a good life in your own country or a neigbhoring country that would be easy to immigrate into. Stop just THINKING about it and going round and round, and shift to ANALYZING by RESEARCHING what your options are and whether you can realistically make it happen via a series of small steps that will eventually culminate in your final goal.

 

You must break down LARGE goals into SMALL goals or you'll never get there and it will seem insurmountable. So start today. Here are your goals:

 

1. Get evaluated and treated for depression.

2. If i can't do that in China, then i need to make plans to go somewhere i can get treated.

3. What is the small sub-goal that needs to happen to allow you to leave China... book a flight? Save more money so i can book a flight? Contact my family/friends and tell them I need a place to stay for a while while i get myself treated and out of the depressive gloom and doom?

 

Then you start another list... places I might like to go. And for each list, you start research the small steps that would need to get you there, and whether it is indeed possible to immigrate to that country if you set reasonable goals. And if it is not possible, then rip up that list for that country, and never think about it again, move on to the next. ALL of us would be like to be rich and do anything we plesae, and ALL of us would like to live in some magical country where we're all happy and life is perfect, but that is just fantasy and self indulgent 'grass is always greener' thinking. Just stop that kind of think and shift from 'thinking' to 'researching' to 'planning' to 'doing'. That is how people make successful life changes and improvements.

[lavenderdove]

one other helpful hint. It is very easy to fall into a long list cataloging of 'things i hate about my life.' which is exactly where you are right now.

 

For example, 'printer doesnt have ink' or 'china sucks because printer doesn't have ink.' Well, OK, at this school they don't maintain their printers or have the money to do so. That is the reality, and the leap off the diveboard from 'printer doesn't have ink' to 'my life sucks and it will never get better' really isn't realistic thinking or helping you at all. And it is depressive type catastrophic thinking, where every small irritation in life (and there are many no matter where you are) becomes a springboard to self pity and repetitive and cycling thoughts that life sucks.

 

It is out of ink! Yes, it happens, the school is poor, whatever. That doesn't warrant sitting around and turning the printer being out of ink into a major life event for you! Instead, sit down and catalog every irritation in your life. It sounds like you just don't like living in China and working at a school with insufficient money to have good teaching materials (and ink for the printer). That's a given. You now realize it, and you then need to STOP thinking about the printer and START thinking about what this means. Is it a minor irritation (in which case forget about it and stop catastrophizing) or is it something where there are so many irritations there, and you realize you really hate living in China altogether?

 

If you hate China, then sitting around ruminating and being angry that the printer has no ink isn't going to get you anywhere at all. What will get you somewhere is saying, well, i guess i do hate China and need to get out. Now what am i going to do TODAY to start taking the steps needed to leave China and return home long enough to get treatment to deal with my mental issues, then once that is treated and the negative self talk is under control, get a new career and a new life?

[mesmerized]

First of all, thanks for two long posts Lavenderdove. Let me clarify something though. It wasn't I who was irritated by the lack of ink in the printer. It was my Australian co-worker. I expressed my understanding for his outburst of frustration because as a teacher I know that WE are the ones who have to face the students and be responsible for their satisfaction so if your class is about to begin and the printer isn't working because someone who was supposed to change the toner didn't do it, then there's a reason to get frustrated. (it's a long story and I don't wanna get into details here but teaching in China has a lot to do with being part of a school's marketing strategy)

 

I think I mentioned what the real problem is. I DO like China, I could even say there are things I love about it BUT... I don't know how to deal with one fact, namely: as a non-native speaker I've had to face having my application rejected solely because of the fact that I'm not from the US/UK (Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders have it a LOT easier too)

 

OK, to cut a long story short. After 15 years of devoted studying, getting two degrees, having 5 years of teaching experience, gaining appreciation and very positive feedback from my students, truly wanting them to develop and learn, being always punctual, dressing up like a pro, I get a "no" from 99% of schools here while a native-speaker without ANY background in education is welcome with open arms in most places (not all, some do require credentials, diplomas etc) Now you know why I feel the way I feel. Because EVERYTHING I've devoted my life to, goes to a garbage bag.

 

The other day I had to correct a native speaker who was misleading a student into thinking that a (very simple) sentence written in present perfect was written in present perfect continuous. I DO NOT claim to have all the answers (and I do mistakes, but who doesn't?) but I do my best. Mind you, I still think there are many wonderful and professional native teachers but does it mean that all that I know and represent should go to a trash bin?

 

That's why I don't know what to do, that's why I feel like I wasted so many years. Because NOBODY cares about my efforts or skills. No bloody passport with the American eagle = no work for you pal.

 

It all just knocks the wind out of my sails.

 

I just wish I could talk with someone about all of it.

[mesmerized]

I'd be very grateful for your insights... Any insights.